Ex dp and homelessness

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Split up 18mths ago or so due to cheating and drugs. He's now clean and got a job etc and sees our son regularly. He's desperate to reconcile but there are issues so I'm not.
He's currently living with parents but there selling up to downsize and he will need to rent etc. He has assets, think collectable he can sell that are worth thousands. He also ahs a lot of debt which interest rates and impacting.
He's told me he will be homeless if his parnets sell and won't be able to afford to work or live. He's run the numbers.. I've told him to speak to debt advice or look on money saving expert etc and ask counsel about housing in bedsits etc. He can't afford maintenance he says.. He gives me 75 a month and that's it anyway.
I get the feeling he's pushing to move here again and reconcile due to money. Its a no form me but I feel super guilty, I don't wnat him to struggle.
How do I not worry about this and be supportive but distant?

How can you fancy someone like this?

This.

Wise up.

You are managing.

Don't allow this shit show near your life.

But don't let empathy of your child's dad housing situation be seen as a weakness, as so many are projecting on to you here. You have not said you will ever let him move in with you but so many are just saying piss him off. But you are seeing a bigger picture about your son having somewhere decent to visit and stay over.
All those posts about let him sort it out himself etc miss this point. You have clearly stated your boundaries on a relationship with the dad but are looking unselfishly about how this impacts on your joint child.
Not seeing a single post that recognises that

Fuck him! Not your issue to sort out. He is a fully grown man. Do not shoulder his problems, leave it for him to sort out. You should focus on you and your child.

This is not your problem. He’s trying to make it your problem but it’s not. He’s a grown ass man with the job who wants to move back to his nice easy life because it’s convenient and would solve his problem. You need to tell him straight - it’s over, he’s not moving in, and you wish him good luck. Do not start engaging or trying to help him and don’t try to generate solutions for him. If he starts moaning just not sympathetically and say things like, ‘ahh, it’s always tricky. You’ll just have to look harder’ or ‘I’m sure something will turn up’ and change the subject. If he asks directly you need to say ‘No’ directly. Be firm about your boundaries. Why should you put yourself at a disadvantage and do something you don’t want to do just to please him?

And don’t wven let him stay for one night. If he turns up on a doorstep with his bags send him away. He is categorically not your responsibility.

Thank you an

Sorry posting fail!
Just to be clear he will not be living here, no matter what, but I am. Very concerned about the impact on my son after all it is his dad

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?.

If you show your son decent role models, both male and female, the impact on him will be somewhat mitigated. Your ex is selfish to a fault and only cares about his own self. He cares not for you and certainly not his child.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-63305963

stop wasting your energy trying to resolve your ex issues. He is grinding you down in the hope you will let him move in. Stop talking to him about his issues. Leave him too it and I would make clear now that he will not be moving in with you. Then when he gets that message he might actually figure out what he is going to do - as at the minute it doesn’t sound like he doing very much apart from dumping his issues on you

You are not here to save this man. He's a grown adult and as such, is more than capable of sorting himself out. As you said, he's got collectibles he could sell if he really needed to. He's playing on your kind nature, as a way to wheedle himself back into your home.

Go to the cms for child maint and he comes moaning at you, just ignore him or say 'oh dear, I'm sure you'll sort something out' and change the subject

Yes, I understand this. Unfortunately, that's what he's relying on - that you will want to protect your son. But as he's not making any effort whatsoever, anything you do is just a band aid and eventually he will damage your son when you can no longer hide how useless his dad is.

As a helper who struggles in a crisis, im worried that you will weaken when he turns up on your doorstep. What about renting out your other bedroom (quiet female tenant) via Spareroom? You can get up to £7500 a year in rent without paying tax. Offer a lowish price and see if you can get a Monday to Friday lodger. I have no doubt he will ask you for that room at some point.

Tell him to sell his shit rent a one bed flat he can sleep on the sofa when DS sleeps over. If he is on a very low income he may get UC help towards his rent and council tax.

I assume you have fully explored tax free childcare and UC for yourself and DS?

Are you sure the ex kept the house? It seems more likely that he spent 'his share' on drugs and left his ex with a tonne of debts.

He is a complete and total user.

You don't need to be supportive. You should be angry that he gives you fuck all to support his child and that he is dependent on his poor parents.

I bet they are selling up - desperate to be shot of him and probably feeling horrendously guilty like you do.

I earn well above any thresholds for entitlement for UC and am registered for tax free childcare but due to a promotion I lose child benefit too now as higher tax threshold.

If he sets himself up in a 2 bed you could let him claim child benefit and then he could claim UC and have your DC overnight more often?

I've already suggested he do that and happy for him to claim it

He's just wants to carry on with no responsibilities does he?

Grey rock from now on. "Sell your stuff, get a 2 bed, claim child benefit and universal credit and start being a proper
dad to DS"

Rinse and repeat.

I spoke to him again about selling collections Now as he is desperate for money. He's now talking about living in his van or on a boat.. Boat is more reasonable as at least may ahve a spare bedroom.
I have biopsies for poss cancer end of last week, so I wasn't in a great headspace /emotional space wen he dropped this but I'm a bit better now.
Thanks for advice

Its a no form me but I feel super guilty, I don't wnat him to struggle.

Why do you feel guilty?
His own parents clearly don't.

Your ex obviously had some bad issues, but it's not your fault he took drugs & ran up debts.
Maybe he needs to struggle for a little while. Maybe his parents feel that a period of having to stand on his own 2 feet will be the making of him.

He can sell his collectibles. He can get advice from MSE, CAB, Stepchange. He can take a room in a shared house, or as a lodger.

What he cannot do is expect you to provide any of that advice or support.
I imagine you can cope without the lousy £75 a month he contributes to his childrens' needs?
It's bad enough he's planning to stoip supporting them at all - don't let him actively leech off them by taking your time, emotional labour, money, roof, or food from you.
Leave him to find a way of supporting himself. It's not your job. Your job is keeping you & the DC afloat.

Is he worried about the impact on your child? Is he putting the child first? No! His go to is seek others to scrounge off! He wasn’t thinking of you when he was taking drugs.

He needs to step up and sort himself out - at least he’ll gain some self respect and think about his own future. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to be motivated to want better for themselves.

He has options - he has no need to struggle. He can work part time, rent somewhere and get financial help he is just deliberately guilt tripping you

You have offered for him to legitimately claim child benefit and associate benefits so he is being ultimate cheeky fucker.

Someone once said to people who kept telling her how lucky she was 'it's funny, the harder I work the luckier I get'.