Ex dp and homelessness

[Pleaseaddcaffine]

Split up 18mths ago or so due to cheating and drugs. He's now clean and got a job etc and sees our son regularly. He's desperate to reconcile but there are issues so I'm not.
He's currently living with parents but there selling up to downsize and he will need to rent etc. He has assets, think collectable he can sell that are worth thousands. He also ahs a lot of debt which interest rates and impacting.
He's told me he will be homeless if his parnets sell and won't be able to afford to work or live. He's run the numbers.. I've told him to speak to debt advice or look on money saving expert etc and ask counsel about housing in bedsits etc. He can't afford maintenance he says.. He gives me 75 a month and that's it anyway.
I get the feeling he's pushing to move here again and reconcile due to money. Its a no form me but I feel super guilty, I don't wnat him to struggle.
How do I not worry about this and be supportive but distant?

He's got 3 mths, I've told him to speak to ppl make a plan and get busy. Weekend work or evening work ontop of 2orkijg if he has to. Life isn't cheap sadly

I understand, particularly as it relates to your son. When I got divorced my solicitor wanted to go for getting the house for me and leaving his pension for him. He couldn't understand why I was happy for 50/50 but as I said to him I didn't want my kids seeing us living in our nice 4 bedroomed house and then seeing dad living in a grotty bedsit let alone them maybe doing overnights there.

I hope you can work something out.

Don’t let him make his problems your issues.

seems like he is used to being carried by other people

shocked his parents gave a whole house away though!!!

so many ways to make money he has freedom on evenings, weekends etc

worry yourself with your child only - forget about his troubles. He had his chance with you and he blew it

Sometimes ‘helping’ someone means recognising that ultimately, you can’t fix it for them.
Many women are helpers - in this case, let someone help, that is the best thing you can do for everyone. Taking him back will, in the long run, help no one

He is using you. So he sees you as free accomodation when his parents downsize.

Guess they are doing that to get rid of him too?

Do not even let him stay for a whiel, you will never get rid!!

Cant stand these men who are lazy guilt tripping user losers who think women owe them. Don't engage at all on his housing problems - he knows where the CAB is as well as you. He just wants to get his feet back under your table, but as he is a filthy cheater you don't want him.

Agree with the previous posters - not your problem to solve. Don't comment on his woes - just say "let me know your new address" and leave it there. Do not let him off the £75 CM on principle - he has a son and therefore he has responsibilities. If you're still feeling guilty donate some cash to Crisis At Christmas or another homelessness charity.

And whatever you do - do not let him stay in your house, don't even let him in.

My concern would be that he's not going to bother sorting anything out because he's banking on you taking him in when he turns up on your doorstep homeless.

I think you need to be very clear with him that there is absolutely no chance of him staying with you and he needs to start sorting things out right now.

I'd also be getting a door chain fitted and get into the habit of always using it, so that when he turns up with all his baggage he can't just waltz in.

There was a story recently on the news, where a lady was working 4 jobs to keep on top of her bills.

In the past, I've had 3 jobs at once
1xFT
2xPT

He needs to earn enough to rent a room in a shared property. Then he can earn more & then uimprove his living conditions.

Not much sympathy

He’s an adult.
He’s not your responsibility.
He’s using you.
He’s trying to guilt trip you.
Of course he should support his child, £75 is very little. You manage a home, a job and bringing up a child, he should be doing the same. The more you allow him to lean on you, the more he’ll lean. You’ve given him good advice, leave him to it. He only has number one to look after , I’m sure he’ll manage that.

Agree. Don't let his comments about how its all luck, derail your progress. His parents are downsizing, it's up to them to worry about making him homeless.

No way would I step in.

Don’t feel guilty about things. The break up was down to his actions, not yours. And it’s great that he’s now clean and has a job, but this also means he can get on and work overtime to sort his debts and get himself on an even keel. He’s lucky to have been able to stay at his parents’ place.

If he is asset rich, he can surely sell those to clear his debts and get a nest egg. If I were him, and only had 3 months left at my parents’ place, I’d be selling the collectibles, and working flat out, to clear as much debt as possible and I’d also look for a cheap bed sit to move into at the end of the 3 months.

PS it’s not luck. You would have worked damned hard and were savvy enough to get the house. That’s no mean feat.

LUCK was him getting a house gifted from his parents...
Stupid is how he has dealt with everything since then...

Thank you. Your correct and I need to be firmer

He had a house given to him and then gave it away. Just ignore him telling you he will babe homeless. He won’t be, a studio for £400 a month is doable on minimum wage-I have done it myself and it was fine. Probably what he means by homeless is not living in a large house with live in helpers for cheap.

He knows this and is making use of it.

He says you’re “lucky” — no, you are working hard and building a life for yourself and DC. He is a self-pitying waster. Get onto CMS, and above all don’t be tricked into feeling responsible for him.

Unfortunately, many addicts are perpetual "victims" - and this mindset is there whether they are sober or not

Yes, that lack of personal responsibility and accountability is carried over to sobriety in many cases.

@Choconut is spot on and he will 100% do this I had it from dcs dad. The tirade of abuse I got when I said it’s categorically a no was enough to tell me I made the right decision.

You need to sort this out, and make it crystal clear there is absolutely no way you can accommodate him. If he crosses that threshold you’ll never get rid of him.

Do not let him back into your life OP. Biggest mistake you'll ever make. You know that right?
You haven't been lucky at all. You were smart.
You can bet your bottom dollar that your parents are well rid of him. Whatever reasons, they are sooo relieved.
That pittance that he can't possibly pay you now, well, it's far better than having a cocklodger for life!

Wise up OP.

Stop it OP. Just stop enabling.

If his own parents are effectively kicking him out and making him homeless that means he hasn't changed enough. Downsizing might be the only way they have of finally getting rid of him - did you think of that?

He knows you are a soft touch OP and he is trying to wheedle you into letting him live in your home.

He doesn't give a damn about his children let alone his ex's. Please don't kid yourself.

Isn't it high time he learned to look after himself?

For your child's and your sake, DO NOT BE FOOLED AGAIN.

Its not your problem so don't make it your problem, he will drag you down with him.
How come you have managed to survive as a single parent yet a single man with no responsibilities cannot.
He needs to go and find a job and some self respect not bum off you or his parents forever.

Sounds a bit like my ex. It's hard watching the other parent of your kids struggle, knowing that your kids see the effects of that as well. But the whole point of splitting up is that you are not in any way involved with or responsible for their finances/predicaments. Pretty sure my ex would have dragged me down with them if we'd stayed together. Try not to get sucked into feeling guilty about it, or even having sympathy. People like this are parasites and they'll probably never change.

Count yourself lucky on getting £75 a month from them. I've never received a penny in child maintenance, in fact I often have bail out my ex, and send the kids with money to buy food when they have contact weekends. In return all I get is the ex bad mouthing me to the kids about how I've got loads of money, and it's all my fault that ex is struggling!