Help - have done something terrible...

[whydididoit]

Please don't judge me - I am in a loving and happy marriage with children in fact ttc another one...Yesterday got very drunk and had huge argument with dh...don't really remember it and stormed off - ended up going into a pub...vague memory and chatting to two men...they bought me a drink and then don;t remember leaving but vaguely remmeber having s*x with one of them, was found at 1am walking along - god knows where and the police bought me home - dh wants to know what happened but really I don't actually know - feel dreadful, know I did - can I put it behind me - feel so stupid at getting so drunk and in such a state which very rarely happens...what was I thinking please help me as feel awful...can't believe this happened to me!!! in some ways I am lucky to have got home as had no idea what I was doing..

I just feel that by NOT telling him you are making it into something it isn't in a way

Now it is a terrible stupid mistake that may have not even been totally your fault as your drink may have been spiked

If he finds out in 6 months it will be an awful secret, a betrayal of trust etc and the fall-out will be a lot worse IMO

No Fio you are right she did say that she can't remember going into the pub which would imply that she was very 'out of it' before she got there and possibly a brandy was all it took to make her black out. I think it is unlikely that her drink was spiked. And she may have flirted with those men. Either way she is unlikely to have been compus mentus enough to give consent to sex, which technically I think is rape isn't it. And to come on mn scared and horrified at what has happened to you and be met with judgemental posts is imo disgraceful.

I know people who have had their drinks spiked and they have had no memory of the night at all, and in one case she didn't even have much memory of the following day. Fortunately in both instances it happened in a club and they were with friends so didn't come to any harm, but in both cases they were very ill the next day as well, described as the worst hangover ever.

I also know people who have seemed quite lucid and once they've gone out into the fresh air have suddenly seemed a lot drunker and the next day have had no memories of conversations we've had, despite those conversations being perfectly inteligent ones.

How awful. Contact the police and ask for a blood test ASAP (it may be too late tho). I have been there so know where your coming from, except unfortunately for me the guy forced himself on me - my drink was spiked, the police took blood tests. No diseases or pg thank goodness, this was 10 odd years ago.

Whether he forced himself onto you or not he shouldn't have had sex with you in the state you were in - any decent bloke would have got you a cab home.

Poor you .

No decent man would take advantage of a pissed woman - whether he was drunk or not - so I would say it is rape.

whydididoit, just to say I feel for you.

We will be here to support you whatever you decide to do re: dh.

Did you & he make up again when you got home? Did you feel as if you should have told him when you went home?

I would advise coming clean with your dh & go from there, hopefully your marriage is strong enough to survive it.

Best of luck x

I would say it sounds like rape as well. I agree with the poster who said that do decent man would do this. No decent woman should take advantage of a man if he cannot consent.

From what I can gather I still think her drink was spiked. You can lose memories of what happened prior to the drink being spiked i.e. going to the pub. A lot depends on how much drug was used, what kind etc etc.

Even if a person does do something stupid it doesn't mean that someone else has the right to take advantage.

If I screw up my epilepsy meds and become post ictal I guess it is my fault if someone takes advantage of the fact that I am out of it and uses me huh? People should know it is wrong to take advantage of someone who is out of it...whatever the reason. It doesn't matter whether or not someone gets drunk or has a fit or becomes out of it for any reason...they should not be assaulted or used.

I dont think anyone should be assuming this was rape.

I've had friends call me the day after a night out and question me on what they did because they dont remember. Yet at the time they were completely lucid and capable. (albeit merry).

Its entirely feasible that the op had too much to drink and made a mistake..it doesn't necessarily mean she was forced into anything.

I think she's beating herself up enough already

How are you doing now Why? I hope you got some practical help this afternoon.
Will be here to support you whatever you decide with your dh but please, please, do not sleep with him until you have had tests - could make things much worse for you.

Well, what a mess. I'm sorry you've had this experience, OP. I've been in similar pickles myself in my youth, and I've been in that dark place you're currently inhabiting. It ain't pretty

A couple of things: you say you vaguely remember having sex. My guess is that it was a fumbled, drunken episode on both sides, and I really see no reason to tell your husband. None at all. You weren't having an affair. You probably wouldn't recognise this man if he passed you in the street. What's to tell? What's to admit? The truth rarely comes out in alcohol ... just your inner eejit. Best kept under wraps, imo.

Of course, it's possible that your drink was spiked. But I come from the generation before this phenomena took hold, and I was just as capable of getting myself into this type of mess twenty years ago, on drink alone. I think it's more likely that you were just incredibly drunk. It was a quiet pub on a Sunday night, and you've admitted to flirting. That's fine, and it's nowt that hasn't happened to many women before you. It went wrong, but it could have been much worse, as you've already acknowledged.

I agree with all the advice about the MAP.

Lastly, the barman won't be inclined to help you out here. If you walked into the pub obviously drunk, he should not have served you. I work behind a bar, and there is no way I would serve a person who was already clearly inebriated, not least because it's illegal to do so.

Any how, please don't dwell any longer than necessary on this incident. You were very drunk. Give yourself time to mend, and move on.

Oh .. and NEVER drink brandy after wine!!

Nothing to add but I hope it all works out for you.

Look - ignore some of the crap put downs. Get yourself checked out. If there is something you need to tell your dh tell him. If you are in the clear - don't bother.

Your instinct will tell you what you think happened.

Just look after yourself.

Whydididoit - poor poor you, i just want to send you a big hug. You'll get through this. Bastard fucking pricks that they were, totally took advantage. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What i will say is this, i always used to feel guilty when i got drunk, even if i knew i had done nothing but sit with my mates and get plastered. Its a physical thing. So hopefully tomorrow those feelings wont be so acute.

You can't turn the clock back, it happened, but you can control how you deal with it. Take control, get the practicalities sorted out and then concentrate on your family. Don't give this bastard headspace, he doesnt deserve it.

To the poster who said that we would be less sympathetic of a man who did this, that is because it is quite different and i cant even be arsed to explain why.

Hope you got some sleep Why. Did you get to the docs/clinic and how are you feeling today?

OP, I was raped so I sympathise with you. I'm disappointed that someone could ever think about about blaming you. Men are much more forceful and can easily take advantage. Tell the police and tell your DH. I would go to the doctor asap and make sure that you are ok.

Thank you for all your messages of hope and kindness - oh and the odd nasty comment - they are all fine and very helpful.. I am feeling better this morning - slept fairly well but woke early this morning, have taken the MAP - my dh knows there is something not so quite right as I am quiet and feel cold all the time and just generally not myself - he is being so very sweet and kind to me and its my birthday today too so trying to think positive, my friend in rl is going to call the pub today and find out what she can. Oh and I am going to go to the doctors today too. Am in a slightly better place than I was yesterday so can't have been too bad - I just feel lucky that I got home as it could have been so much worse...

poor poor you!!!!! i hope you feel better today and the doctor can give some reassurance. don't judge yourself too harshly, you are not the first and most definatly not the last. hope all works out for you.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better today Why and I'm glad your rl friend is helping you out, I do think it is good to have some rl support. Take care x

So glad you're feeling a little better and have managed to get the practicalities sorted. You've been really strong. I haven't given you any advice about whether or not to tell dh as I think that one is entirely up to you. Sounds like you've got a good friend there. Happy Birthday, try not to dwell on it today, just put it to one side. We're here if you need us.

Glad you're feeling better, and that you have support. Slightly OT but can't help taking this point on - the point 'if a man told this story...' has been made a couple of times by posters. I just wanted to say that it's no different when a man tells this story. A good friend of mine, male, was raped (ie by another man. He's not gay, not that that would have made rape acceptable) when he was too drunk to do anything about it. And he went through the exact same thing as any rape victim 'it was my fault, I shouldnt' have got drunk, I flirted with him, what will I tell my girlfriend' etc. And he was just as devastated as any female rape victim. Male rape practically never gets reported to the police or even talked about or admitted to, but it does happen, and is just as devastating. The 'men are b*ds, women are victims' standpoint is just as misguided as the 'women play the victim, it's a double standard' standpoint. In terms of 'was it rape, was it not' I'm not sure that it's a useful debate. The CPS would not prosecute in a case like this, but I believe whydidIdoit should seek support and counselling if she feels violated, regardless. I do feel very strongly that consent should never be assumed.

what a very very sound post, Thebecster. I think it is important not to fall into the "all men are bastards" trap and I constantly post on this theme on this board.

Perfect use of the word violated. In european languages, the verb for rape often has the latin root of violate. You are right to say that a debate on whether this was rape or not should be superseded by the simple question of whether the OP feels she has been violated (which she clearly does) and, as such, should seek (and deserves) all the support she can find.

Happy Birthday OP, glad to hear that you feel in a slightly better space this morning...

Just wanted to say how very sorry I am that this happened to you .
Dont beat yourself up - we all make mistakes in life. I dont think that you were spiked - I am almost certain that it was excess of booze that caused the blackout.

I am extemely careful of what I drink nowadays as increasingly I am not handling it well . Some days I can drink quite merrily with no issues and retain reasonable judgement and control , other times I can be totally "out of it" even with very little drink . ( At these times people are stunned when I tell them I can`t remember the previous evening as to them I appear sober as a judge - strange and frightning to me)

Now older and a bit wiser I have to take the attitude that I drink almost nothing unless I let my hair down with DH.

Don`t know why alcohol affects me in this way but on occasion my reactions can be "mad" almost like I am not there - certainly not capable - Once I even considered driving 400 miles to see an old friend after 2 bottles of wine - thankfully started vomiting so abandoned the "plan" but FGS at the time I could not see anything wrong with this !

I am just very lucky and grateful that nothing too bad has happened to me.

So again I am very sorry for your trouble ,
please take care and bear in mind what drink can do to some of us .
I really hope that you feel better soon.

Also am sending you a big hugxxxxxxx

Hope you have had a good birthday Why and good luck with the Docs tomorrow

Oops - misread - you went today - hope it was ok.

Hi went to the doctors yesterday and the clinic today - weird but actually pleasant place!! Initial tests are negative which is a good sign.... still have to wait a week though as the initial tests although back negative they 'grow' them for a couple of days then test again....joy but she said it was promising that they were negative initially.... Feeling more positive!! Still feel stupid and silly but at least I have done what I have to..