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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help - have done something terrible...

128 replies

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 13:57

Please don't judge me - I am in a loving and happy marriage with children in fact ttc another one...Yesterday got very drunk and had huge argument with dh...don't really remember it and stormed off - ended up going into a pub...vague memory and chatting to two men...they bought me a drink and then don;t remember leaving but vaguely remmeber having s*x with one of them, was found at 1am walking along - god knows where and the police bought me home - dh wants to know what happened but really I don't actually know - feel dreadful, know I did - can I put it behind me - feel so stupid at getting so drunk and in such a state which very rarely happens...what was I thinking please help me as feel awful...can't believe this happened to me!!! in some ways I am lucky to have got home as had no idea what I was doing..

OP posts:
AnneMayesR · 28/01/2008 14:46

Just because a woman goes into a pub to chill because she is upset does not NOT give men a right to spike her drink and take advantage.

I would be willing to bet that her drink was spiked and have a feeling that the men who did this could have been out prowling for a victim. It happens all the time. They look for woman in her situation.

IF this is the case (and the drink was spiked) then the blame lays at their door not hers.

Some of these posters remind me of people who say "so and so deserved to get beaten and raped because she wears slutty clothing".

donnie · 28/01/2008 14:47

Pheebe - if what you claim in your last post is true then your earlier comments are even more unbelievable.
You learned the hard way - what exactly did you learn?

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 14:47

That wasn't your fault either Pheeb and it is very sad if you are still blaming yourself.
Stupid for being inappropriately insensitive, pious because you were imo, cow I apologise for.

FioFio · 28/01/2008 14:49

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postingatlast · 28/01/2008 14:49

beautifully put, Carmenere!

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 14:51

Pheebe, that's awful and... it wasn't your fault. He had no right to do that to you, you were more vulnerable because of the alcohol but this does not make you any more "to blame". That's why posters questioned your blaming the OP if she was taken advantage of.

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 15:13

I think what I am also going to do is telephone the pub and find out who the barman was that was on last night as I vaguely remember (I think) that we were talking to him in a small group at the bar... it wasn't at all busy from what I can remember - but I don't feel able to phone today as need to get my thoughts and words straight... do you think that is a good idea ?

OP posts:
thebecster · 28/01/2008 15:14

Pheebe, so sorry that happened to you. Something similar happened to me as a teenager too, but I don't blame myself or look back on it as a shameful memory, in fact I look back and am bldy proud of myself for having survived and rebuilt my soul from the ground up. That took years of industrial strength therapy... It didn't happen because you did something wrong, it was because he was an evil predatory bd. I understand that you remember everything about what happened to you. I remember everything too, and I'm sorry, those are awful memories to live with. Other rape victims sometimes don't remember everything straight away, because their brain just refuses to process it. It doesn't invalidate your experience, or theirs, it's just everyone responds differently to extreme trauma. And I'm not saying that whydidIdoit was necessarily raped, but I do feel strongly that consent cannot be assumed and I feel very protective towards men & women who find themselves in the situation of having been taken advantage of.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 15:17

If you feel it would help you piece together what happened then it sounds like a good idea.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 15:18

thebecster talks an awful lot of sense

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 15:19

I think that this is a good idea too Why. At least you will have a little more knowledge although I don't know what he would be able to tell you tbh.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 15:21

Have you sorted the MAP? Not trying to put more pressure on you, but if you're not going to get blood tests then it's the only time sensitive thing.

thebecster · 28/01/2008 15:22

whydididoit - why do you want to talk to the barman? Is it to find out whether your drink was spiked or to find out what happened between leaving the pub and being picked up? Do you have a close friend in RL you could confide in who you really trust? If you are going to unearth what happened then, whatever it is, you aren't going to feel great about it. I'd feel happier knowing someone was there holding your hand. If there is noone you'd trust to that extent try calling a rape crisis helpline and talking it through with them first. Try to put yourself in 'safe' places - with counsellors, GPs, asking the police who saw you for more details, talking to trusted female friends etc.

dittany · 28/01/2008 15:23

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thebecster · 28/01/2008 15:27

Good point dittany, you can get it at the chemists, and if you don't want to have to explain or say MAP out loud, you can ask for it by brand name - one is called 'Levonelle'.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 15:33

thebecster is right (again), do you have anyone you can confide in, in RL? Who could make you huge cups of tea and wouldn't judge? If you haven't we are all here to help, but someone to hold your hand through this would make it all easier.

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 15:33

thebester - thank you! Yes I do have a friend in rl who knows me soooo very well but haven't told her yet - I am going to call her later and am also going to the chemists - thank you for the name! I think I would like to talk to the barman and yes find out some information - how did I act does he know the person I was talking too was it him...! That is my only help and hope that I can lay it to rest and move on.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 15:37

I'm so glad you have a friend you can confide in. It sounds like you're making positive moves. Good luck with it all, whatever you decide to do. x

thebecster · 28/01/2008 15:39

Oh that's good. If you talk to the barman, whether on the phone or in person, please have your friend with you. The barman might be a nice guy but if he isn't, or if he's just insensitive, you might need someone who loves you unconditionally to give you a hug and some moral support. This might be obvious but don't give the barman your contact details or name, you don't know him from Adam.

wannaBe · 28/01/2008 17:08

I realize that I am probably going to get lynched for this but?

If this post had been from someone saying that their dh had stormed out after a row, gone to the pub and had got so drunk he couldn?t remember much but had ended up having sex with another woman, would the dh be getting this much sympathy? Because somehow I don?t think so.

Now I?m not saying that everyone should fall down in judgemen of the op, but the fact is that she did something incredibly stupid and she needs to take responsibility for her actions, this is not just about her, she could have contracted any number of STI?s and would thus have put her dh at risk, she may be pregnant and even the MAP isn?t 100% safe, and while not telling dh might seem an easy way out, if this is generally a close loving relationship, then there wil come a time where the betrayal will become too much to bear, and telling him later might have far greater consequences than telling him now.

Op, you know that you?ve been incredibly stupid, it?s done now, but it?s how you decide to deal with it that matters. IMO you need to tell your dh, because if you don?t you will have to carry this around for the rest of your life, and do you really think you can do that? Also, viruses like HIV have up to a three month window period when they?re not detected, so if there?s a chance you could have been exposed to HIV then you?re putting your dh, and your future baby if you conceive one, at risk.
T
this isn?t just about going to the clinic for a test, taking the MAP and forgetting that it ever happened, if your dh exposed you to STI?s and didn?t tell you how would you feel?

If you don?t tell him now this will eat away at you and might possibly affect your marriage in the future.

BeMyLilBaby · 28/01/2008 17:13

It sounds to me like your drink was spiked, this happened to a close friend of mine, obviously you realise the implications, i would tell DH, and ask for his support

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 17:16

What makes you think that the op is not taking responsibility for her actions Wannabe? I suspect she is doing what you suggest at this very moment.
You are right about there being a different reaction if it was the op's dh who did what she did. But men and women are physiologically different and the opportunity for a woman to be taken advantage of is much higher.
A man who is too drunk to walk home is actually unlikely to be able to shag anyone. I really think that to be anything other than supportive and sympathetic on a thread like this is totally unnecessary.

CountessDracula · 28/01/2008 17:16

I agree

It would be folly to try and hide this. The pain of being lied to for a long time would be much worse for your poor dh than if you just came clean now. It's not like you've been having an affair and also it does sound like your were spiked - clearly he won't be happy but at least you won't be betraying him.

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 17:18

I agree that Why should tell her dh too.

FioFio · 28/01/2008 17:21

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