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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help - have done something terrible...

128 replies

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 13:57

Please don't judge me - I am in a loving and happy marriage with children in fact ttc another one...Yesterday got very drunk and had huge argument with dh...don't really remember it and stormed off - ended up going into a pub...vague memory and chatting to two men...they bought me a drink and then don;t remember leaving but vaguely remmeber having s*x with one of them, was found at 1am walking along - god knows where and the police bought me home - dh wants to know what happened but really I don't actually know - feel dreadful, know I did - can I put it behind me - feel so stupid at getting so drunk and in such a state which very rarely happens...what was I thinking please help me as feel awful...can't believe this happened to me!!! in some ways I am lucky to have got home as had no idea what I was doing..

OP posts:

donnie · 28/01/2008 14:24

" as for the drink spiking, I'm sorry but it's down to you to protect yourself".

Good grief.

FioFio · 28/01/2008 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 14:25

The pub is 5 minutes walk away - have never ever been in there!! ever!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 28/01/2008 14:25

Even if Why wasn't raped, she has fucked up royally and knows it, wagging fingers at her is hardly useful.

postingatlast · 28/01/2008 14:25

PHEEBE???????????????

Really, do you think the OP is in any state to be working through the things you tell her to?

Whydididoit - now is not the time to beat yourself up or worry about the why's and wherefors. Please follow the practical advice which has been proferred to you. There will be time afterwards to look at the emotional questions too - inc whether to tell DH, which is something only you can really decide but NOT now, not when everything is so fresh.

Hang in there, we all f*ck up in our different way, none of us are perfect, in spite of what some posters sometimes would like to think.

Good luck

[a daddymumsnetter]

scorpio1 · 28/01/2008 14:26

when me and DH have an arguement its terribley upsetting and i often cant remember much of what happened, it upsets me so much. She has already said thats it unusaul for her and dh to argue - that and a brandy will make anyone upset and not remember stuff.

She is obviously very very remorseful and ashamed and worried enough.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 14:27

Are you ok, whydididoit?

If someone is showing remorse and asking for sensible help and support I don't think it helps to stick the knife in. She knows it was stupid! She regrets it all!

Amazed at how many people on here have never made a mistake in their whole bloody lives!

hertsnessex · 28/01/2008 14:27

sorry.....but the row wasnt a big one...you storm out....how do you blackout and keep on walking after that??

If this 'blackout' thing hasnt happened before then you need to see your gp about it surely.

TurkeyLurkey · 28/01/2008 14:27

WhydidIdoit - please just get yourself sorted re pregnancy/diseases. If you did not consent (only you know this) then you need to speak to the police.

Your remorse is evident, we all do stupid things. Please have a long think before you think about telling your DH. Only you know if you could work together through the consequences.

Original poster

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 14:28

I don't know if I am ok - just feel very stupid and

OP posts:

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 14:30

Oh dear. If you were very drunk BEFORE you went to the pub then you were clearly in a complete state. Your DH was a bit of a twat to let you go to the pub while already drunk IMO and it's bad that you were served if you were in that sort of condition.

Drink spiking is very rare and it sounds like you would remember very little regardless, but why not ring you GP and discuss it. You need to take action now if you are going to do so.

Please take MAP and get tested before having sex with your DH again. You might want to think about talking to the surgery counsellor because you are going to be extremely traumatised after this experience.

postingatlast · 28/01/2008 14:30

well said, way too many perfect people around here.

Can we make a concerted effort to really stick to the issue at stake, i.e. supporting this very confused, very vulnerable, very upset person?

Anyone else with any other views, not welcome IMHO. Please don't turn this into a thread about morals, about rape, about marriage. Please just support the OP. If you want to debate the above, best to go into Chat.

Jackstini · 28/01/2008 14:31

Firstly get to GUM clinic Why and get tested asap. You can get MAP at the same time.
However, re ttc, I believe you cant take a HIV result for a while (used to be 3 months - someone please correct me if this has changed) In which case you cannot have unprotected sex with your husband until then - it would be completely unfair on him and any pregnancy.
I would say it is not going to help anyone if you tell all to dh but only you know what the consequesces would be.
How you get round not having sex is another matter - maybe say you cannot be sure you weren't injected with anything so need to wait for testing?
Sorry if this shakes you up, I know you are already really upset and very sorry, but you are probably not thinking straight enough right now to consider these things.
Lastly, if you do want to be tested for any date rape drug in your system you have about 6 hours so get on it....

warthog · 28/01/2008 14:31

why, get yourself down to the docs first and foremost to protect yourself and dh.

have a good night's sleep and think about what to do tomorrow. it's hard to think when you're tired and stressed.

is there anyone in rl who's shoulder you can cry on?

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 28/01/2008 14:32

If you were already the worse for wear and then a stranger just happens to buy you a drink, it sounds like they took full advantage to be honest.

You need to get the MAP and talk to someone about having tests for any STDs.

You need to report this to the police. If they have done it once they will do it again and it could be a lot worse next time.

You need to tell your husband.

moljam · 28/01/2008 14:33

whydididoit you are not stupid .you did a silly thing.we all do silly things at some point.dont feel bad.

lou33 · 28/01/2008 14:33

it sounds like you had a lot to drink before you left, then went to the pub and had brandy, so the combination of mixing the drinks has had a bad effect on you

people do act out of character if they are not used to the effects of alcohol, and you could quite possibly just have had so much to drink you cant remember what happened

i would try hard to put it down to a badlylearned experience, and get yourself checked out for stds and pregnancy

would you recognise the guys again? have you seen them about before? if so it might be worth contacting them and asking if you used contraception

warthog · 28/01/2008 14:34

i've not heard that drink spiking is rare! apparently it's very common now - i think i saw it on dispatches?

i DO think it's worthwhile finding out if you were drugged.

YouKnowNothingOfTheCrunch · 28/01/2008 14:35

Just take it easy. You're head must be spinning with all the "what if"s and guilt and anger at yourself. We are all stupid. We all do dumb things. Just deal with what you can deal with first. Start with the MAP. That's all you need to do. Then take it from there to the next step. Sending large supportive thoughts your way.

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 14:35

(My local pub had a reputation for drink spiking - police tested something like 30 cases of alleged spiking and all were not spiked - 'twas just teenagers mixing drinks at the happy hour v. sad)

Original poster

whydididoit · 28/01/2008 14:37

Thank you for your thoughts am going to sort myself out - will be back later!

OP posts:

thebecster · 28/01/2008 14:39

You've implied that you were somehow to blame because you 'went into a pub' or 'were flirting with him'... IMO, if you are too drunk to walk home without needing help from the police then you're too drunk to consent to sex. So regardless of whether drink was spiked or not, in my opinion you did not consent because you weren't capable of it. I actually doubt that your drink was spiked because you said you have dim memories of having had sex, whereas with rohypnol you would have no memories at all. Of course rohypnol isn't the only thing someone could put in your drink... But sadly the rape conviction rate is ridiculously low, and I am not saying that you should be going down the police/prosecution route. But I do think that you need to talk to someone about what has happened to you. You can choose to tell your DH or not, (I think personally I'd choose 'not' until you've had time to process it and remember what really happened) but you should talk to a rape crisis counsellor in confidence about your experience, even if you feel that 'I wasn't raped because it was actually my fault'. I've never heard a rape story that didn't start with 'Well, it was actually all my fault because...'. Someone had sex with you when you didn't really want to have sex with them - that may or may not be rape depending on what your memory brings back over time, but you need to be supported in the meantime. So sorry. Take care.

warthog · 28/01/2008 14:42

spot on thebecster.

Pheebe · 28/01/2008 14:43

Stupid pious cow for suggesting we need to take personal responsibility for our own safety

Quite frankly up yours carne-whatever your name is. I was raped as a teenager, I got drunk, I was stupid I learnt the hard way and remember every hideous minute of the 15 hours he had me. By posting on an open forum the OP was asking for honest opinion, I gave it

morningpaper · 28/01/2008 14:44

yes agree becster

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