I live a life of luxury. How do I leave & start from scratch?

[Tiredofhavingitall]

I live abroad, in the sun with DP of 4 years, DD almost 1 and I’m 8 weeks pregnant.
I don’t work, we have a beautiful house with a pool and land, cleaners, a gardener, cars, and I have access to money whenever I need.
I am completely financially dependent on DP, who works from home, or anywhere he can get phone signal. He has an online company with a few staff that generates an income no matter how many hours he works each week.

DP has ptsd from multiple traumas throughout his life and as a result, alcohol is a big problem.
I’m not sure I can deal with his anger and drink binges any longer. He has tried professional help a number of times, but struggles to stick to anything. I’m exhausted, and I’m not sure I can deal with the fall out any longer.

How do I move back to the UK on my own with DD and start again? My family are supportive, but they don’t have the space or the money to help me out.
Are there charities etc who can offer help?

Do you have no money of your own at all? You say DP - are you married?

How long have you lived abroad? I'm not sure the NHS would cover your pregnancy if you've been out of the UK for a long time.
Do your children have British passports? I'm assuming you'd want to bring them with you? What are the laws in the country you're living in about taking children away from the other parent and moving to another country?

Well you're right that you need to leave, as growing up around a parent with unmanaged PTSD and an uncontrolled addiction will in no way be offset by the material benefits your DP can offer to his children.

However, you are unlikely to be able to move back to the UK, is the country you are in a signatory to the Hague Convention? If so, your DP can block any move out of the country. Do you think he would agree to you moving?

As you're not married, you presumably have no claim on any of your DP's assets, but it's worth consulting a local lawyer for advice, as this may vary by country. What assets do you own in your own right - cars, jewellery, anything like that?

Are you able to work in the country you're in?

“I'd be asking whether it's "fair" to have lived out of the UK for a long time, and presumably therefore not to have paid taxes in the UK, to then expect to come home with no money, 1 child plus a pregnancy, and to expect organisations like the NHS, Social Services etc to look after you.”

Ignore this, do what ever you’re legally entitled to that’s necessary for you and your kids to have the best possible life. I’d say the same thing to a woman arriving who’d never lived in the UK in her life. To each according to their need.

is there a reason you are not able to get a job and earn money - either there or in the uk?

You can come home and have the baby on the NHS if you intend to stay here permanently. You will immediately be domiciled in UK. I came home from Canada after a few years abroad and there was no issue for me. I haven't left the UK again in the intervening ten years so paid tax since to make it up!

A more immediate problem will be a lack of recourse to public funds you won't be entitled to housing benefit so will be unable to rock up and ask for help with housing or a place in a refuge. I think you need to squirrel away some funds/ assets. Jewellry, watches, cash.

Would he agree to you leaving the country? Honestly if he's aggressive I'd possibly come back for a visit then decide not to return.

Are you sure you want to have a second child in this situation? With one you could hit the ground running and get a job, find childcare, rent a flat with maybe 10K which is an expensive watch and some diamond earrings. You'll need a much more money if you were to have a second child as unlikely to find a job or get any kind of maternity benefits.

Move back to the UK and give your dh the option of checking in to the priory and drying out and if this doesn't work I would consider a divorce which will be much easier here.

I would think carefully about your pregnancy and continuing as you are already extremely vulnerable. Another baby will make this situation even worse. You still have options.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. I would do everything you can to leave before you have your second baby. One child is portable and quite straightforward in comparison to two.

I agree about not worrying whether things are fair, you just need to put yourself and your children first. I would give Women's Aid a call and ask for advice, or there maybe a local charity that can help English speakers if there’s a big British expat community where you are based. (I know in the country there are Polish charities for example).

I’d also speak to family and friends - telling people is hard but you need support. And try and squirrel away any spare money you can get your hands on. Maybe you could ask for money for some sort of health or beauty therapy and just pretend to go? If you have expensive jewellery or designer goods these can be resold.

Good luck, I don’t think all the luxury in the world makes up for being subject to the whims of an angry alcoholic, and it’s not up to you to fix him you know, he’s the only one who can do that and if he can’t break the circle for his children that’s on him, not you.

Typo, should read ‘in this country’

Book a holiday with your DP and child back to the U.K. Refuse to go home again, present as homeless to the council or if there is domestic abuse seek help from a woman’s refuge.

Should also have added, it would really help if you could do this before second DC was born. I hope you’re ok and safe in the mean time

Ignore this, do what ever you’re legally entitled to that’s necessary for you and your kids to have the best possible life. I’d say the same thing to a woman arriving who’d never lived in the UK in her life. To each according to their need

That's my point though - I'm not sure the OP will be entitled to much, having not lived in the UK for a long time.

Gosh you poor thing

I fled an abusive relationship with two small kids after my ex tried to murder me in bed

My move was relatively easy as we stayed in uk

Wishing you so much luck

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

I have access to money whenever I need.

Then* *use that money and come home!

Start stashing. Jewellery, vouchers, cash.

Also get some decent people around you

Start a hobby as a ruse to meet people and to get things done.

What are the child abduction rules like in the country you’re in? I live abroad and although we’re all Brits, I would not be able to just decamp the kids to the U.K. without DH’s agreement

Indeed the Hague Convention exists to stop this from happening. You would need to your DH's permission to leave the country with the children. You need to be very careful and get legal advice.

Please be aware that you won't pass the habitually resident test. Refuges are largely funded by housing benefit and the council will expect you to pay for emergency accomodation.

You only need to be back 3 months though before you can claim help.

I’m confused. You have access to all the money you need but then you’re requesting charity help?

just use the money to come home or am I missing something? Sounds like a crap life not a luxurious one.

I was in this exact situation. Had lived overseas for 25 years.

I pretended to my DH I wanted to move back with the kids for better schooling etc in the uk and we agreed that.

As soon as I left he emptied bank accounts and never again sent any money.
So don't worry about not being married in a way it is easier as you won't have the hassle of getting divorced like I did. And I still got no money so I never listen to people who say be married to protect yourself if someone is a bastard they are a bastard!!

I was in UK with 2 kids NO MONEY, no job no friends nothing.
My Dad lent me 6 months rent - so get that money somehow as nowhere will rent to you month by month with no job etc.
Then get a job or go on entitled.com website to see if you can get any benefits. I couldn't but you might be able to as you won't be able to work with a baby.

I am years on now and everything is fine but it isn't easy. But you will be OK and both my kids are great.

Good Luck xxx

How did you ever end up like this thinking this was okay

This

What’s changed in the last six weeks?

What country are you in?

Are you able to work there?

Do you get an allowance from your DP for shopping etc?