I live a life of luxury. How do I leave & start from scratch?

[Tiredofhavingitall]

I live abroad, in the sun with DP of 4 years, DD almost 1 and I’m 8 weeks pregnant.
I don’t work, we have a beautiful house with a pool and land, cleaners, a gardener, cars, and I have access to money whenever I need.
I am completely financially dependent on DP, who works from home, or anywhere he can get phone signal. He has an online company with a few staff that generates an income no matter how many hours he works each week.

DP has ptsd from multiple traumas throughout his life and as a result, alcohol is a big problem.
I’m not sure I can deal with his anger and drink binges any longer. He has tried professional help a number of times, but struggles to stick to anything. I’m exhausted, and I’m not sure I can deal with the fall out any longer.

How do I move back to the UK on my own with DD and start again? My family are supportive, but they don’t have the space or the money to help me out.
Are there charities etc who can offer help?

Interesting isn't it, that an asylum seeker can arrive here possibly pregnant, other children in tow, and gets all the help she needs, having never paid taxes in this country. Yet someone who originates from here struggles to obtain help just because she has been out of the country for some time.
Strikes me the Government (s) ought to get their priorities right.

Don' t be daft. Op is not a refugee or asylum seeker. She says she has access to all the money she wants.

www.redcross.org.uk/stories/migration-and-displacement/refugees-and-asylum-seekers/six-things-you-need-to-know-about-refugees-and-asylum-seekers

and I have access to money whenever I need.

So op can take the money for her return
Snd yes if she turns up
There is a duty to house her child

This is true. A friend of mine was trapped in an abusive marriage abroad . She was advised by a UK lawyer that she could not just leave and take the children with her . Her children were born abroad and her husband would have had the right to have them repatriated. He kept their passports to prevent her leaving without his knowledge.

I would get legal advice from a family lawyer.

Doesnt sound like they married, but does need to speak to a lawyer

after trying to have a discussion today, I asked for his permission to take DD to the uk. His response was ‘no problem’. Unless something really goes wrong, I don’t think he’ll go back on that decision.

with regards to money - I got told not to spend loads moving back. I will still get legal advice though.

Are you married?

Where was the older child born?

Is DP named on the birth cert if born in the UK?

I think you need to very seriously consider terminating your current pregnancy. I'm sorry, as that must be a very hard thing to hear.

I hear you when you say family don't have space etc but surely for a short time someone can help and put you up ?' You need
Legal advice ASAP .

I'd get back to the UK before the birth of the second child, if you're keeping it. Then that child is UK citizen I think? TBH it's an abusive relationship so I wouldn't give a fig about rules and would come back with the 1yr old, surely it's unlikely your alcoholic partner has that much of a bond with them, the addiction will always come first for him so I would take the chance he wouldn't fight you through the courts/police.

more immediate problem will be a lack of recourse to public funds you won't be entitled to housing benefit so will be unable to rock up and ask for help with housing or a place in a refuge.

Housing and housing benefit are two separate things. You can ask for assistance with housing/refuge, it's not awarded based on your ability to pay, but if you're given temporary or social housing you will have to find the money to pay for it or you'll be evicted.

If you can't get social housing (some areas are extremely high demand) you still might get temporary housing as homeless (which you'll have to pay for if no housing benefit), I'm not sure of the rules if coming from abroad but they probably have a duty to house the child and therefore you with it. Then you'll need to find 6 months rent plus deposit to offer to a private landlord to have any hope of someone renting to you without you having a job. Start saving and purchase assets you can bring with you.

I asked for his permission to take DD to the uk. His response was ‘no problem’

I'd go before he changes his mind.

You needn't spend loads moving back. Can you take enough for 6mths rent at least? Would that be "small change" to him if he's loaded? With children that small you only need a one bedroom or studio flat.

You can get furniture and clothing etc cheaply or free second hand. Homelessness charity might help you with basics.

Have you asked family for help? Even if you slept on the floor it'd be a start. Don't assume they won't help if you haven't asked and don't be afraid to tell them it's an abusive relationship you're in.

Are you flying back or do you have a car you can load up with possessions and drive back (if it's not too far)? Does your child have a passport?

Life is as complicated as you make it, on the whole.

You could get temporary work in the UK. I think there's some industries desperately needed workers at the moment, so you could get earning straight away. And look for a permanent job after baby is born if you can't get maternity pay. Would family or friends do childcare initially until you sorted out professional childcare? Even if they work daytimes maybe you could work evenings? It's worth asking. They might not mind, especially if your child is a good sleeper.

Hey OP you've had some good advice here (especially re checking carefully the legal situation with regards The Hague Convention and child abduction). I'm in an abusive marriage and have been advised not to return to the U.K. "on holiday" because I can be forced to return the kids to the EU country we live in now, where their father works, but is not a national of. I also know of a woman who did similar and lost custody of her kids as a result. Please be very, very careful on this. Verbal agreements aren't enough, I'd say, but definitely get good legal advice rather than listen to me!

As someone in a (different sort of) abusive relationship, if there's is way out, take it.

If it looks like it'll take some time to be able to do it, then perhaps a place like this could be good for your DP. It's in The Netherlands and has an English section. It specialises in addiction and trauma (the two often run in parallel). It's 6 week residential. Your DP could leave if he wanted, he can't be forced to go or stay, but maybe if would be easier to "stick to" if he was in a place, rather than weekly sessions, or similar? It may also help him to be around other people who are in a similar situation to him. www.u-center.eu/

To be clear, I don't think you should be accepting his treatment of you. It's only because I couldn't leave the country I'm in that I thought a Plan B may be helpful. I'm without a Plan B so know that it's bad not to have!

Good luck.

There is a charity that supports women affected by The Hague Convention. Speak to them. Might be useful to gather evidence of his alcoholism and it’s affect on his behaviour.

This. Book a spring 'holiday' in the UK to see family before the baby is born. That will get you home. Check out 2 bed flats near family and any other support network. What will it cost to live per month?

What did you do for a job before dcs? Start looking for opportunities in the UK. There is a skills shortage and WFH jobs are available.

Think about what you have to sell - jewellery etc.

Will her dad behave decently and pay CM for your DD? And for the new baby.

OP, I know others have said this, but please speak to a solicitor as it can be considered an abduction if you just bring your child back to the UK and not return.

Staying with him is hard, but leaving is also hard. I’d think carefully about which hard you are choosing. Couples counselling sounds easier to me 🤷‍♀️

Do you know why people seek asylum? It means there are reasons they can't return to that country. Often fear of death. And you don't think they should be helped? There is a difference between immigrants and asylum seekers.

But don't worry: the government's priorities appear to be much the same as yours when it comes to asylum seekers.

Seriously?? This woman is going through all of this and you are telling her to get rid of her baby?

In case you haven't read the thread, the OP is living with an alcoholic. A few rounds of couple's counselling is not going to wave a magic wand over the problem believe me.

I didn’t say it was. Addiction is a disease. Would you leave your husband if he was suffering from cancer? Surely couples therapy is at least worth trying? Raising a family as a single parent sounds harder to me than helping my husband through his lowest life point. Maybe he needs to go to rehab? Maybe he needs more support? Maybe abandoning him isn’t the answer? Therapy will help her have these discussions instead of running away from the problems. 🤷‍♀️

@Arghh1234 they are not married. How do you she hasn't tried & tried & tried some more? 🤷‍♀️
It'd be better for child 2 to be born in the Uk.

@Arghh1234

Nar…. There’s an element of choice in the road to addiction. You cannot compare it to cancer, quite insulting. My friend is waiting for a liver transplant but the alcoholics are a lower priority for one than her and rightly so.

You are all very ignorant about addiction and trauma.

Jesus, this post brings to life the phrase, ‘the most revolutionary thing a woman can do is believe she matters.’
This man has addictions and complex trauma. I don’t think you have any idea what this means and I would in no way recommend relationship therapy for this. And frankly, no therapist worth their salt should take on relationship counselling in this situation.

This man has serious issues that he needs to work on himself and which may never be resolvable.
OP leaving is not ‘abandoning him’ and the attitude underlying this, that women are secondary humans who should sacrifice themselves to support a man, is the one I reject absolutely.
Appears that a woman prioritizing herself by believing she matters enough to remove herself from a toxic, damaging situation is still revolutionary.

Yes. She's only 8 weeks, she should seriously consider it.

1. This man is an appalling father, definitely not the sort of person you should be having children with
2. She is about to go through a hugely stressful ordeal that will be incredibly difficult to manage. A pregnancy and newborn on top of that is a massive additional strain that could be avoided.
3. It doesn't sound like she'll have the finances or resources to take care of the child she already has, let alone another one.
4. A bomb is about to go off in her existing child's life - this is going to be scary and upsetting if not actually traumatic, and adding a baby into the mix will mean that the toddler gets less time and support, especially because OP would be a single parent.

Terminating the pregnancy would be the sensible thing to do in this situation for the above reasons and many more. OP gets to decide what she does with her body, and no one can change that, but not even considering terminating at this point would be foolish. Another child in this mess is in no one's best interests.