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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I live a life of luxury. How do I leave & start from scratch?

106 replies

Tiredofhavingitall · 27/10/2022 10:53

I live abroad, in the sun with DP of 4 years, DD almost 1 and I’m 8 weeks pregnant.
I don’t work, we have a beautiful house with a pool and land, cleaners, a gardener, cars, and I have access to money whenever I need.
I am completely financially dependent on DP, who works from home, or anywhere he can get phone signal. He has an online company with a few staff that generates an income no matter how many hours he works each week.

DP has ptsd from multiple traumas throughout his life and as a result, alcohol is a big problem.
I’m not sure I can deal with his anger and drink binges any longer. He has tried professional help a number of times, but struggles to stick to anything. I’m exhausted, and I’m not sure I can deal with the fall out any longer.

How do I move back to the UK on my own with DD and start again? My family are supportive, but they don’t have the space or the money to help me out.
Are there charities etc who can offer help?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 27/10/2022 14:16

FlakeySalt · 27/10/2022 14:11

What’s changed in the last six weeks?

Was there a previous post?

cestlavielife · 27/10/2022 14:42

Well yes
You hsve access to money you say whenevervyou wsnt as much as you want
So put a few thousand into a seprate bank avcount
20 k will cover you for a while rent in cheap area

Quietlazydays · 27/10/2022 15:50

Following…

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/10/2022 15:55

Is he going to agree to you moving back?

MingoDringo · 27/10/2022 16:18

I would give him an ultimatum.

Luckynumbereight · 27/10/2022 16:30

Do not continue with the pregnancy and start getting some cash together.

diddl · 27/10/2022 16:33

When Op say that she has access to money that's presumably to set the scene & that her OH isn't financially abusive.

Whether or not there's enough to take out a deposit & rent for enough months to set herself up is another matter.

Surely whether or not he has PR is important as to whether or not she can leave with her daughter?

Unless you are fleeing for your own safety Op I'm not really sure why others should pick up the tab!

FusionChefGeoff · 27/10/2022 16:36

On the emotional side, you can contact Al Anon to support you. They are a sister fellowship to the actual AA and will help you to understand how to handle things with your relationship.

Obviously, he should also look for local AA meetings (or online meetings) as that was the only thing that stopped me drinking.

Is he getting any kind of help / therapy for any of his issues?

Does he admit he has an alcohol problem or is it all "just you making such a big deal out of it"?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/10/2022 17:05

Gosh some of these responses are harsh.

OP is clearly in a difficult situation, don't let the fact that her DP has material wealth allow you to post unsupportive replies - this is not the place for it.

Wishing you all the best and hope it works out OP.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2022 17:12

Where do you live?

Quietlazydays · 27/10/2022 17:14

@Illstartexercisingtomorrow Agree, v harsh responses. Op is living abroad, away from her family and support network I assume. Also abroad here and it’s complete my different to having family nearby or even just being in the U.K., which provides so much support. Good luck, op, maybe start by trying to stash some money away if you have access to plenty and make a plan, or could you convince him that all of you should go back together? Is it a European country you are in?

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 17:15

Right if you can only get a certain amount of money that is a normal pattern for yourself, not to raise suspicion. You need to think of reasons to start spending, tell him you’re interested in golf and join a club, a private members club too. Anything with high annual fees.

Start “seeing” an expensive personal trainer, some charge £200 an hour so squirrel that away.

Say you’re getting some sort of plastic surgery or attending charity events and say you donated it.

Or buy art and tell him it was an investment and cost much more.

FreshCop · 27/10/2022 17:19

Also please come back to the UK and get all the support you can, don’t listen to the negative comments.

When dealing with a wealthy partner who can be vengeful it’s important to have a way to protect yourself, make sure different point of contacts have all your details and ensure safeguarding is in place.

People with money are dangerous once you’re on their bad side. Plus they’re capable of more harm than the average person.

Best of luck to you and start planning meticulously.

diddl · 27/10/2022 17:20

Is there a particular area you would want to move to?

Have you checked out the housing/job situation there to give an idea of how much money you might need to put by?

Eloise38 · 27/10/2022 18:09

FlakeySalt · 27/10/2022 14:11

What’s changed in the last six weeks?

Guess what - people still have sex in less than ideal relationships.

Turmerictolly · 27/10/2022 19:20

See a solicitor first with regard to your child's situation should you decide to leave.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 27/10/2022 19:25

If you have access to plenty of money can you transfer some to a UK bank account or a trusted relative? Or you could start buying gold —— rings, earrings, bracelets that you can sell later.
Check the legality of moving your dc out of the country you’re in. Is your DP named as the father on dc birth certificate?
As pp have said look into NHS provision for the birth of your baby as it’ll be very expensive if you have to go private.
From experience I’d say if your DP has a drink problem do not let him know your plans. Good luck.

MissAmbrosia · 27/10/2022 20:16

It is possible to move back to UK and claim benefits as a British person - easier if you can claim a link to the place that you live i.e. you grew up there/have family etc. But you really cannot mess with moving kids from their place of habitual residence. Please don't advise OP to just come back to UK without permission/legal advice. I live abroad and have several divorced friends who cannot move (without their kids) for this reason. Taking children out of the country without permission could lead to all sorts of shit.

MissAmbrosia · 27/10/2022 20:17

They never mention this stuff on A Place in the Sun. 😡

LadyInGreene · 27/10/2022 20:57

Ignore the cold heartless comments, you deserve every sympathy and help. 💐

Sending positive thoughts and good vibes your way, OP.

Please keep us updated with your progress, and post here as much as you want and get as much support as you need. 🤗

Mydoggosarethebest · 27/10/2022 21:10

Are you married?

PrawnMinister · 27/10/2022 21:14

Get legal advice

PurplePansy05 · 27/10/2022 21:15

Hmm... it's a 🍪 from me.

Mycatsgoldtooth · 27/10/2022 21:16

This is a pregnant woman fleeing a addicted angry partner, not a place for envy and judgment tbh. Good luck OP - please ignore the horrible comments. X

5128gap · 27/10/2022 21:18

Your life of luxury is irrelevant really. When it comes down to it, you're a woman trapped abroad with an unpredictable alcoholic who is making you miserable. The fact its a gilded cage is neither here nor there.
You need specialist advice from a UK based women's charity like women's aid who will be able to advise you on any help you may be entitled to when you get home.
I also agree with posters advising you to start squirelling away money while you can. I expect you will also have jewelry and expensive clothes, shoes, bags that you can bring with you and sell to tide you over.
Above all, know that however hard life is at first, you have decades ahead to build a better one. Few things are as soul destroying in the long run as living in a relationship like yours, so the only way is up.