I live a life of luxury. How do I leave & start from scratch?

[Tiredofhavingitall]

I live abroad, in the sun with DP of 4 years, DD almost 1 and I’m 8 weeks pregnant.
I don’t work, we have a beautiful house with a pool and land, cleaners, a gardener, cars, and I have access to money whenever I need.
I am completely financially dependent on DP, who works from home, or anywhere he can get phone signal. He has an online company with a few staff that generates an income no matter how many hours he works each week.

DP has ptsd from multiple traumas throughout his life and as a result, alcohol is a big problem.
I’m not sure I can deal with his anger and drink binges any longer. He has tried professional help a number of times, but struggles to stick to anything. I’m exhausted, and I’m not sure I can deal with the fall out any longer.

How do I move back to the UK on my own with DD and start again? My family are supportive, but they don’t have the space or the money to help me out.
Are there charities etc who can offer help?

Your life doesn’t sound luxurious. It sounds materialistic & awful. You need to rethink what matters to you.

I have name changed for this as it is outing. Please be careful and take legal advice.

I found myself in your position - abroad with DC and an alcoholic DP. I was advised by Women's Aid to return to the UK with my DC without DPs knowledge. I had to wait until he was away on business for more than 24 hours. I was told that he could stop me taking the DC out of the country if he found out I was leaving him.

I came back to the UK and got a Residence Order confirming that I could keep the DC in the UK. He then had to come to the UK to fight it and try to get access. The UK judge allowed him monthly supervised access only as he demonstrated all his agressive overbearing character traits in court, even threatening my female solicitor. It may have been a very different story if I had told him I was leaving whilst still in his country.

I believe the UK laws may have changed since I returned many years ago so please take legal advice, but don't tell your DP until you have done so and don't give him any reason to suspect you might leave. The best way to do it is to get his permission to return to the UK for a holiday with your DC but without your DP - eg. to visit a sick grandparent or similar? That way you have permission to travel and can get UK legal advice once you are here.

Please do not remove your child from the country without permission/legal advice.

I believe that the fact that the op has posted this is exactly that. Don’t you think?

@Tiredofhavingitall you need to get legal advice asap

Guessing you are ME or Asia and service background. You need to woman up and get home it won't change. You'll survive without the luxuries. Been there done that, as have many others. The lifestyle isn't worth a shit life.

🤣😉

This 👆
if you haven’t already then start stashing away assets like jewellery, tech, anything you can sell quickly for cash.
have a get out plan - know what airline fly from what airport to where in Uk ( eg Ryanair fly Malaga to Stanstead) then think about where you will go when yin get back to UK.

my very close friend has been living in Costa Del crime Sol on the run with her partner since the encrypted phone lines got exposed about 2 years ago and exposed him as a major player in the criminal underworld.

she hates living on the edge and since the move to Spain - & now the UAE ( no extradition agreements) she pawns all the jewellery etc and has started her own repatriation savings behind his back.

just be prepared and know that it might be shit at first but the end will be worth it

Op, because you have a child you need legal advice.

Have you decided you will continue with the pregnancy?

Why dont you just get a job?

Can't you simply withdraw money from the joint account and use that to escape?

Thank you for your replies, there’s some really helpful advice.
A teething baby has meant I haven’t had much chance to respond. I will do shortly.

If I were you I would terminate the pregnancy, start stashing money, reach out to your family to set up somewhere to stay back home and contact a lawyer about the legalities of removing your child from their father.

And get a job

@Dalaidramailama

Having access to money if she needs it probably involves an explanation of what the money is for. I'm assuming telling her partner the real reason she needs the money wouldn't go over very well.

I would contact womens aid here. I would take what you can financially and leave. I wouldn’t seek advice in that country. I feel you would need to leave for your safety. You know bringing children up with an alcoholic isn’t going to end well.

Sorry for the late replies. But I’m a lot less emotional today.
To answer a few questions - I’m in Europe, my daughter has an EU passport but is also entitled to a British one. Which I’m going to organise asap.

I’m not married - I’ve been married before and I’m not sure I want to marry again.
I worked in the UK for 20+ years, and for more than 15 years worked as a professional in the public sector.

I’ve no issue with going back to work in the uk - I’d just need to sort out safeguarding paperwork.
But I worry that childcare costs would be more than my income. I’m not sure how that works.
It’s the gap between moving back and the first paycheck that worries me.

I have access to money as I have cards for all of the accounts. But it’s not mine. I wouldn’t feel right about secretly hiding money from him. I also don’t like to spend too much on clothes, jewellery etc so I’m not sure I’d have much to sell.

When he’s sober and reasonable, I know he would discuss money and how much I would need to move. I wasn’t really thinking about his reasonable side when I posted. When he’s drunk it’s ‘his money’ and I’m a thief.

I do need legal advice about leaving the country - thank you to those who suggested that. I’ll find someone English speaking to advise me.

Thank you @happyhearts. That makes me feel like there is some hope.

Thank you for sharing that. Things could go two ways - he’ll likely be ok with my leaving and taking DD, but I think things could get a bit difficult when he realises I’m serious and not coming back.

Are you close with your family? Sorry but if they can't help in a potential emergency I would cut ties.

How dare he call you a thief. You're raising his child for nothing. What a greedy, materialistic man.

If you have access to money- take as much as you can before you get on that plane and run for it.

NHS eligibility won't be a problem.
Benefits should be OK although sometimes can take a little while to convince them you are habitually resident. Contrary to popular belief this isn't based on any time scale but mostly on an intent to settle which can take a little while to evidence to the DWP's satisfaction.
Do you have family in the UK who can help tide you over for 2-3 months until you get settled?
Of course, all this is dependent on you being able to take your DD from her place of residence which you will need to establish first if you don't want to risk being returned to where your DP is.

Childcare costs could be mostly covered by benefits.

You can get advice from Southall Black Sisters helpline. You do not have to be black. They are used to dealing with immigration issues, abuse and children in the mix. You need to know what your legal rights are first.

OP I used to specialise in Hague Convention cases when I practiced in London. I was on the Lord Chancellor's Panel (now the International Child Abduction and Contact Unit) and acted for the foreign governments' requests to return children who had been removed from/retained out of their countries of habitual residence. These cases are treated as inter-governmental requests.

I'm assuming as you say Europe that your country is a signatory.

You can't be forced to return yourself, but you can be forced to return your DC (so effectively you are forced to go too).

There are extremely narrow defences to being forced to return. Children's wishes (N/A here) and grave risk of serious psychological or physical harm (to the DC rather than you). You may have a runner with the latter defence.

Get legal advice from a specialist firm in London before you leave to tee up your defence. I did not work at this firm and have absolutely no personal interest in it, but I'd try Dawson Cornwell. The department was run for years by a lady (now sadly dead) called Ann Marie Hutchinson who was the forerunner in this field and a truly amazing woman. I understand that the firm remains very active in this field. This is a niche area of the law and it's crucial you have someone who is well versed in it.

You may also need to get advice in your local country about what would happen if you left and were forced to return. Would this adversely affect any application you then make for permission to remove the children? Would you be better off staying and seeking permission?

Only with advice in both jurisdictions can you make a fully informed decision.

I realise this is easier said than done and comes at a cost. However it sounds like you could squirrel away the money to do this relatively quickly.

www.reunite.org/
www.gov.uk/guidance/child-abduction-accredited-solicitors-referral-list
dawsoncornwell.com/en/what-we-do/children/child-abduction-and-custody-disputes.html

I see from the ICACU list (link above) that there are specialist firms country-wide, but in my day it was only London solicitors on the panel (and Dawson Cornwell were certainly the best of the best). The Reunite website recommends specialist solicitors in other jurisdictions.

If she's in a country like Australia then it doesn't matter - if you're in de facto relationship (living together) then you have the same rights as a wife.