Affair Recovery?

[Mrshoney43]

DP had an affair at work, found out via emails where they were discussing how crap our marriage was etc.
I took him back on the premise that affair was over and that he wanted us to be a happy family. Not really sure how that is considering he blames his unhappiness on me. He is still working with the OW although maintains no contact. I periodically check his work emails because we’ll of course I’m suspicious. Go on this evening to laptop and he’s password protected his emails.
Do I have the right to be suspicious or does he have the right to shut me out of his emails?

Get out. The most natural thing in the world is for you to be suspicious because you know he is not worthy of your trust… he didn’t even come clean - you found out.

leave him and you’ll look back in 5 years and think thank fuck I did that. There is no guarantee you’ll ever feel properly happy again if you don’t.

I believe in shitting or getting off the pot OP. He's broken your trust, doing your own head in by having to check up on him is no way to live.

There is no timeline to gaining trust back. This could be your life forever.

Yes, thought that.
I think him and the OW were in love. He told me he really liked her on DDay although of course he can’t remember that now.
They work in a corporate team although he says they never talk.

Honestly, if this is real, why would you bother? Just tell him to sling his hook. He hardly sounds filled with remorse

Do you really want to be someone who has to police her husband’s emails? If someone wants to be unfaithful, they will be unfaithful. If he told you he had strong feelings for the ow then I’m afraid your marriage is dead op.

No, you don’t have a right to monitor his emails.

Your husband isn’t worth this angst though

Okay - the email access I thought was reasonable after an affair at work but I can see why it could be viewed as obtrusive.

For it to work after that kind of betrayal he needs to be remorseful; and completely open with you, and patient. And it will take time. He needs to earn your trust back. Also blaming you for the affair isn’t great… I would consider if you really want to try and fix this, because he doesn’t sound like he’s doing everything he could be to help get over it

He has every right to password protect his work emails and you have no right to read them.
The trust has gone. You either have to accept that and find a way to rebuild your relationship post-affait, or end it.

Thanks for the different perspectives. When you’re in the storm of an affair and he’s going to work with the ex OW, you like me sometimes feel like you have to see emails as proof that nothing is happening but of course it’s not.

@Mrshoney43 your expectations of him after an affair are totally reasonable and absolutely standard to rebuild trust.

He is just not remorseful. You cannot do affair recovery without both of you being 100% willing. He blameshifts, you don't know the full extent of the affair, he still works with the AP AND has now locked his computer so you have no transparency.

You will not feel safe with this man. I'm sorry but I can't see that you can move forward here, you're in false reconciliation. If you haven't read 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair' it's fairly short and details what he should be doing, this will help you see how far short he is falling,

I'm sorry he's put you through all of this, you deserve better.

He didn’t even offer to move jobs? He’s almost definitely still seeing her and treating you like a total chump. You poor thing but he knows he can do what he likes and you’ll forgive him so of course he’s not going to stop.

Even if he still was still having an affair, he wouldn't be using emails as that is how you caught him last time. He would move onto messaging apps, making sure his phone had a passcode. Or even have a second phone.

No, no moving jobs and thinks I’m controlling him by asking him to move. Once went for an interview and before it shouted that he was ruining his life I assume at the mere prospect of changing jobs.

You either forgive him or you leave him.

I would never forgive, especially as he works closely with the OW

Not sure that I can forgive when I’m not even entirely sure it’s over. It was all very I have no regrets love at the end of the affair so I find it difficult to see how they have stopped.

Tangible evidence is no longer required. You've seen previously what he's been up to and what he said and done. You can't get out what may or may not be happening in his head or heart. Why would you wish to continue with someone who potentially is in love and attracted to someone else. It would be to tainted and soiled for me personally, all that checking over your shoulder is no longer a relationship.

Yes but when I say that I’m struggling with everything, he makes it out that I will be the one ending our marriage and that I shouldn’t apportion blame to him?!

It may well have ended, but sounds like your husband is reluctant to let go.

Even if you found evidence that the affair was ongoing, would you actually leave him? Infidelity in the first instance would be a deal breaker for me

@Mrshoney43 you need to get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life', seriously.

You know about his affair. The agency and choices that you had ripped from you while he was cheating has been given back to you. Don't squander that listening to his blame shifting, minimising bs.

I'd place money on the fact he's still cheating. If he isn't then he's clearly not showing you the consideration, compassion and empathy needed for reconciliation. In fact he's emotionally abusive.

He just sounds like an immature who can’t take responsibility for anything. He’s unhappiness is your fault so he shit on you and made a fool of you with someone else but if you leave him for it then that will be your fault.
honestly he didn’t respect or value you before he found out you are willing to put up with anything, so why would he now?
You deserve better, don’t get caught up in who ended it, it doesn’t matter what he makes the official line on that because you know and that’s enough.

The responsibility lands firmly at his feet the second he stuck his dick in her, your marriage was over.

well it was over the second he contemplated anything with her

Let her have him.

File for divorce, don't argue right or wrong.
You know he's wrong, and he does too, it doesn't matter about who he blames for the end of the marriage.

Why are you still listening to him ?
He is just an unreasonable man, stop trying to get him to see reason.

He knows what reason is and he is choosing to ignor you, maybe in years to come he may regret treating you so badly but presently he doesn't give a fuck.

You have few options, stay and allow him to screw your mental health and self esteem up, basically destroy you and dehumanise you or leave the marriage and never allow another person to openly hate you and expect you to take it.

Out of interest, why haven't you asked him to leave? Is your self esteem this low?

I haven’t asked him to leave because when I do express any discomfort, I am the one with the problem. He can’t get on with me