Affair Recovery?

[Mrshoney43]

DP had an affair at work, found out via emails where they were discussing how crap our marriage was etc.
I took him back on the premise that affair was over and that he wanted us to be a happy family. Not really sure how that is considering he blames his unhappiness on me. He is still working with the OW although maintains no contact. I periodically check his work emails because we’ll of course I’m suspicious. Go on this evening to laptop and he’s password protected his emails.
Do I have the right to be suspicious or does he have the right to shut me out of his emails?

@Mrshoney43 your updates are heart breaking.

I'm going to repeat what I said. Any kind of affair recovery involves the cheat moving heaven and earth to prove that they can be a safe partner. The trauma from infidelity takes 2-5 years to heal from. It's a long term commitment.

You cannot just forgive trauma away!

He is showing you how little he cares. He is playing the cheaters handbook to a tee, minimising, blame shifting, withholding o formation, still having contact with the AP and putting you through DARVO time and time again to get you to put up and shut up!

He is not safe for you!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, dday gave you back your personal agency, your right to sexual consent with full disclosure, your right to keep yourself safe. Do not squander it!

I believe reconciliation is possible but my advice to you would be get rid of this nasty man.

My husband had an affair. Similar circumstances; it was a woman he worked with etc. when I discovered his affair I was as broken as a person could be, I begged him to stay with me, to stay for the kids, that we could get past it. It was part panic; part not wanting the other woman to have him.

Anyway, he did stay. But it became very evident that he stayed not for me, but out of guilt and shame and not wanting to hurt the children. I endured 3 more years of hell, paranoia and mental torture before accepting that I could not force him to love me or to change.

Sending hugs op. It’s putting off the inevitable - but when you know, you know x

Don’t bring up their work related emails.
Looking at work emails is veering into ‘crazy’ territory. Save yourself later embarrassment and keep it to yourself. There are probably policies in place which say that his inbox should not be accessed by others- just don’t mention it.

This man is really awful. Why don’t you want to let this relationship go? It is already irretrievably broken. Don’t pretend you are doing this for your children, because they are not benefiting from your awful set up

DH sent me a message this morning saying he’s devastated at the thought of moving out and leaving our son. He doesn’t talk to me at home so this was the first form of communication in days. That’s it and I’ve known it all along that he doesn’t care about me. I can’t believe that this is a man who proposed to me, loved me and now this. I feel so worthless.

@Mrshoney43 going back to when they were talking to one another about your marriage - do you know exactly what was said about your marriage and about you?
Some bits you describe are familiar to me. So, the flowers. He's obviously thinking about you when he's not with you and wants to show you he loves you. Then when he sees you - he can't follow through and actually give them lovingly to you. Paradoxical, right?
Now, I have two theories relating to me in this scenario, one of which is that guilt is preventing him from communicating directly with you, or even looking you in the eye, thus causing marriage problems in itself.
Only hope that these problems aren't being relayed to the OW as this can be used to change the narrative, and it won't be in your favour, trust me.
Is there any way you and him could have a calm and composed conversation about this situation?

Gosh I feel for you. And I recognize so many of your uncertainties and questions.

In my own experience, unfortunately, I eventually accepted you can’t conduct an affair on someone who you care about and love.

I think, for some people, it is possible for them to conduct an affair and still love and care about their spouse.
I mean, I couldn't do that, but I've seen it happen, mainly by people who are very self-entitled.

op - as difficult as it seems right now, you need to take some control here.

at the moment, you still seem to be (understandably) paralysed by his words and actions not being aligned.

put the focus back on you, and your wants/needs.
make the decision yourself about what you want from this:

are you prepared to reconcile (provided he shows genuine remorse, and effort to regain your trust)?

or is this irrecoverable?

if it's reconciliation, you need to set out what you need from him to achieve this (and you need to be firm about what will happen if he cannot sustain what you need).

if not, then you need to be clear to him that the next steps for you both are about how to move on separately.

you need to do this very clearly and dispassionately, with no blame or anger (despite how you might understandably be feeling) - perhaps by text or email, so he cannot immediately shut you down, or gaslight you.

good luck

I'm so sorry Mrshoney43 that this is happening to you . I'm in a very similar situation. He had a long affair and will not show me his phone and has it locked with password . It's a horrible way to live . PM me if you'd like to chat .