Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair Recovery?

84 replies

Mrshoney43 · 25/10/2022 20:02

DP had an affair at work, found out via emails where they were discussing how crap our marriage was etc.
I took him back on the premise that affair was over and that he wanted us to be a happy family. Not really sure how that is considering he blames his unhappiness on me. He is still working with the OW although maintains no contact. I periodically check his work emails because we’ll of course I’m suspicious. Go on this evening to laptop and he’s password protected his emails.
Do I have the right to be suspicious or does he have the right to shut me out of his emails?

OP posts:
OldFan · 26/10/2022 15:24

What is this behaviour? Barely talks to me yet will buy me flowers but not actually give them to me. I have to ask are they for me? And then he will sort of grunt or shrug.

If I bring up anything to do with the affair, it is brought back to how unhappy he was with me. He will then not speak to me for days but text me asking an innocuous question about DCs and then say have a good day even though that morning he will have told me to my face that he doesn’t like me or I’m difficult etc.

It's forms of emotional abuse @Mrshoney43 . Verbal/psychological abuse with stonewalling and intermittent reinforcement. All designed to make you feel bad about yourself and insecure, so you put up with what he does and probably do what he wants.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/10/2022 15:30

I don't think having access to his emails is obtrusive.

DH regularly asks me to check his if he's nipped out with DS but hasn't shut down his machine or is waiting for something specific coming in. We both use each others phones most days too though I never bother looking at his emails or texts etc, more that the opportunity is there if I wanted to cos I'll use his to set a timer on for tea if it's the first to hand, or find a recipe or something. Oh I suppose I occasionally use his WhatsApp cos I might send myself some pics he's took of the children.

DisneyMillie · 26/10/2022 18:38

I think if he wanted to make it work he’d be fine with you accessing his emails for now - it’s pretty standard affair recovery stuff - total open access and openness.

I’ll go against MN policy and say I’m pretty happy with DH now (3 1/2 years after affair) but it took A LOT of work on his part, patience with me, total remorse and him moving jobs without hesitation even though it meant he had to take a lesser role.

He has to be willing and want to do that - if not I can’t see the point in staying - it’s not for you to be the one doing all the trying to make it work.

gamerchick · 26/10/2022 19:01

I don't think having access to his emails is obtrusive

Having access to his WORK emails is and I'm pretty sure there are few companies who would be happy about it.

Original poster
Mrshoney43 · 26/10/2022 19:17

He was cheating over his work emails so either way I’m not sure his company would be happy.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 26/10/2022 20:00

AlmostOver22 · 25/10/2022 20:05

Get out. The most natural thing in the world is for you to be suspicious because you know he is not worthy of your trust… he didn’t even come clean - you found out.

leave him and you’ll look back in 5 years and think thank fuck I did that. There is no guarantee you’ll ever feel properly happy again if you don’t.

This is just what I did 5 years ago for the same reason. Yes it was hard but staying in a marriage with non trust would have been harder for longer.

I doubt you’ll ever think of him or look at him in the same way again and I doubt he’ll
ever have the respect for you that you deserve x

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 26/10/2022 20:04

OP, this isn’t ok. He’s treating you really badly and this isn’t a healthy relationship.

Thewookiemustgo · 26/10/2022 21:03

It’s abuse, that’s what this behaviour is. Psychological abuse.

Darbs76 · 26/10/2022 21:05

Checking his emails isn’t right. Completely understand why you don’t trust him and he’s doing nothing to reassure you. He knows you’re checking emails so if he wanted to still cheat he would just find another method. I don’t think it’s right to be sitting there every night like you’d do checking a teenagers messages to ensure they aren’t putting themselves in any danger. He’s not 14. Sorry to see but sounds like the marriage is over as he’s making zero effort to help the marriage recover post affair

GoodnightJude1 · 26/10/2022 21:15

OP please don’t put yourself through it. I tried to cling on to a relationship with a pathetic excuse for a man that did the same to me….he’d disappear off in the evening (leaving me and our DC at home) saying he was just popping to the shop….2 hours later he’d come home.
For a year my whole life revolves around checking where he’d been, I’d check receipts to see what time he paid then work out exactly how long it took him to get home from each shop and if he’d have had time to meet anyone or call anyone. It was horrendous. All consuming. I had nothing left to give my DC emotionally.
Checking his emails won’t help, he was caught that way before. They don’t stop they just get more sneaky.
For your own sanity, end it 💐

MountainChalet · 26/10/2022 21:48

He sounds awful. Do you really want to continue being disrespected by him? I'm sorry but your marriage is doomed.

RandomnMe · 11/11/2022 18:13

if he’s password protected it’s likely that it’s so he can communicate with OW. In the absence of any proof from work upgrading security, it will be that. Sorry.

Maze76 · 11/11/2022 18:58

My husband did the same, initially I was willing to try and make it work- but he refused to delete her phone number and basically blames me. They continue working together, so I’m sure they are still doing something. it’s not nice and you deserve to treated with respect. Easy to say I know, but leave.

flutterbyfly · 11/11/2022 18:59

Why are you putting up with this?? He's been very clear: he doesn't respect or love you enough to cease contact even after he got caught.

There's no point trying to analyse his behaviour when it's so obviously abhorrent, all you can control is your own response.

Don't you deserve more?? What could possibly keep you with him??

Ofcourseshecan · 11/11/2022 19:04

Crazypaving22 · 25/10/2022 21:12

@Mrshoney43 you need to get yourself a copy of 'leave a cheater gain a life', seriously.

You know about his affair. The agency and choices that you had ripped from you while he was cheating has been given back to you. Don't squander that listening to his blame shifting, minimising bs.

I'd place money on the fact he's still cheating. If he isn't then he's clearly not showing you the consideration, compassion and empathy needed for reconciliation. In fact he's emotionally abusive.

100% this. He gaslights and insults you, he puts you down -- he sounds horrible to live with. And that's without even accepting that he probably is still cheating!

A year from now, if you've left him, you'll be settled in a new life, free of him. If
you haven't left him, you'll be trapped in the same miserable situation.

AnuSTart · 13/11/2022 09:55

He doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you. He treats you like shit and blames you for his actions.

This won't change. So you either accept this as your life and when you die know you've wasted your precious years with a twat.
Or you leave and find happiness.
It's not easy but at the same time it's as simple an equation as that.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 13/11/2022 10:06

Op You need to get rid of this pig and stop letting him make you feel like you are at fault here.

Mardyface · 13/11/2022 10:16

I don't understand why he didn't leave when the affair was revealed. He obviously has checked out emotionally. It doesn't matter whose fault it is if the marriage ends (it would be his though). It's about future happiness in this one short life we get.

True remorse and regret means he would do anything for you to feel ok and forgive him, so the emails thing is a quibble. HE should be wanting to show you because he wants you to feel good. HE should have changed jobs. HE should be treating you like a bloody diamond queen and doing everything in his power to make you trust him again.

He isn't. You can't control what he does but you can damn well control your own actions! Fuck 'im off!

moonfacebaby · 13/11/2022 10:24

This sounds like my exH. Very similar behaviour.

There is no saving your marriage - he is evidently not remorseful in the slightest.

Tell him to leave and file for divorce.

Original poster
Mrshoney43 · 14/11/2022 11:15

Thanks everyone for your support. It’s proving very difficult to get anything in terms of communication from my DH. He doesn’t speak to me for days although will say I don’t speak to him but what can I say. He then will tell me he’s going to move out but then will not move out and will not speak to me about it. It’s so heart wrenching as I thought this was a man who loved me.

OP posts:
Isittrueornot · 14/11/2022 11:18

So what if nothing is on the emails, how do you know he doesn’t have a secret second phone? You will always be on eggshells. Seriously, don’t bother, leave him.

Jackfash · 14/11/2022 16:40

What does your gut tell you OP?😢

Bollocks2that · 14/11/2022 16:44

MrMrsJones · 25/10/2022 21:03

You either forgive him or you leave him.

I would never forgive, especially as he works closely with the OW

^^This multiplied by a thousand

Original poster
Mrshoney43 · 14/11/2022 16:46

My gut tells me that he couldn’t care less about me and if it wasn’t for the children, he would be gone.
I got access to his emails today and saw that they have been in email communication. Looks like work related correspondence but still it has floored me.
I don’t even know how to bring it up!

OP posts:
crochetandacuppa · 14/11/2022 17:15

Affair recovery is possible but only if the person who had the affair stops all contact with the OW and takes responsibility and accountability for everything that happened. That means being honest and open, and letting you read his emails wherever and whenever you feel you need to. He should be doing absolutely everything to make you feel safe including individual counselling and couples counselling. If he’s not doing all of this then I can’t see how your marriage can survive.