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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair Recovery?

84 replies

Mrshoney43 · 25/10/2022 20:02

DP had an affair at work, found out via emails where they were discussing how crap our marriage was etc.
I took him back on the premise that affair was over and that he wanted us to be a happy family. Not really sure how that is considering he blames his unhappiness on me. He is still working with the OW although maintains no contact. I periodically check his work emails because we’ll of course I’m suspicious. Go on this evening to laptop and he’s password protected his emails.
Do I have the right to be suspicious or does he have the right to shut me out of his emails?

OP posts:

EVHead · 25/10/2022 22:05

It’s not up to him. It’s not for him to argue about your reasons - you can end a relationship for whatever reason you want. End it now.

ChocChipOwl · 25/10/2022 22:06

So what if you're the one with the problem? Of course you've got a problem - it's him

Stop being a doormat

sunshinerainstorm · 25/10/2022 22:14

He wouldn't put a password on his emails if he had nothing to hide. He's a cheat. RUN for the hills. Pick up your self respect at the door, you deserve so much more.

He had the affair & he should be expecting to be checked up on at every opportunity the trust is gone and he should be more than willing to allow you at any opportunity to check.

He's gaslighting you and he sounds fucking awful. Don't doubt yourself.

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 25/10/2022 23:29

Who gives a flying fuck what he believes or what he makes out to be true. Who cares.

This is no way to live! He is telling you to put up and shut up. Awful man. How could you ever trust him?
In your shoes, i can confidently say i would divorce.

B1rd · 26/10/2022 00:01

You dump his ass. Are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering when the next affair will come along?
You are worth so much more than this. Get rid and find someone who adores you.

Thewookiemustgo · 26/10/2022 00:05

OP this isn’t affair recovery or reconciliation or anything like it. He should be remorseful, shoulder all the blame (neither you nor the marriage forced him to cheat, lie and deceive, he should have discussed his issues and tried to resolve them or ended the marriage. He should be willing to do anything to make you feel safe again. Including giving you access to anything you wish. For a while, until he can prove himself trustworthy again, you should have full access to everything including finances. He had used his privacy and your trust to deceive you and has temporarily forfeited the right to privacy. If you end the marriage it will be because of his infidelity, not because of anything to do with you. This is all on him. I would not reconcile with this man, I’m afraid. He blames you for his appalling treatment of you, locks you out of his emails and wants to pin the potential ending of the marriage on you. He is still taking no responsibility, not remorseful, he is secretive and gaslighting the hell out of you.
I’m afraid he’s not a safe partner to reconcile with currently. Without a radical shift in his attitude and behaviour, without putting you first, he is still in the entitled selfish mode of those in affairs, sadly. He’s making it all about him and what he wants. If you want transparency you’re nosey, if you want him to move jobs away from his AP you’re controlling, if you can’t tolerate his abysmal behaviour then it’s your fault the marriage ends. Shameful things to say to you after what he’s done.
Does this sound like a man who is desperately sorry, trying with all his heart and soul to make you feel loved, safe, protected? Who is willing to admit everything he did and work hard to find out why and sort out his issues? Desperate to put you first even if it’s excruciatingly uncomfortable for him, and commit to the truth, openness and honesty from now on? He’s none of these things currently OP and getting through this is impossible without those things. Don’t waste your time trying with a secret keeper, no matter how hard life looks without him. It’s soul destroying. It will eat you alive once the initial shock wears off. If you are making any decisions based on fear, they will not serve you. If the answer to anything you try to decide is ‘because I’m afraid of the future’ then you are not helping yourself. Be brutally honest, OP, how long can you live wondering all the time what’s in those emails and what he’s up to at work? Reconciliation can’t happen with a man who rug sweeps and won’t reconcile. So sorry OP, it’s a total shit sandwich. X

MrMrsJones · 26/10/2022 00:09

Who's house is it?
Do you rent or own?

He had the affair, he broke up the marriage, don't let him put that on you, not one bit of it

Seasider2017 · 26/10/2022 00:12

When you found out and it all came to a head
if he wanted to stay with you, he should of been full of remorse asking forgiveness and begging you
if he showed none of this then it’s not you he wants (sorry)

do not let him turn his affair on you, he needs to take responsibility for his actions

He is still with you because he’s unsure of what’s next ?
is she married?
does she really want him? Does she want to leave her dh & kids?

Seasider2017 · 26/10/2022 00:14

Just this

ConcreteSnakes · 26/10/2022 00:17

Honestly, I don't think most people can get over an affair unless they are at peace with the idea that their spouse may be seeing someone else. When he tilts his phone away from you? You'll wonder if it's the OW. When he takes his phone with him to the bathroom? You'll wonder if he's on a dating site again. When he goes on a 'work weekend'? You'll wonder if he's up to something again. It's soul crushing and whatever self esteem you've had will be slowly chipped away with every 'is he or is he not'.

ViolinPin · 26/10/2022 02:22

I think there are too many variable to ever be certain about anything after an affair.

AlI I know is if you were in what you considered to be a safe, committed relationship then an affair and the attempted recovery will feel like hell on earth.

And if the adulterer does not recognise you are living in that hell on earth then it will never recover.

If they can't understand the pain, then you have to act accordingly.
Forgiveness is not limitless.

Sunflowergirl1 · 26/10/2022 07:35

@Mrshoney43
You do realise that in 5 years it will still be the same? Trust is gone.

My friend was similar but tried for the kids and thought it could be salvaged. It couldn't but took 5 years until she realised that every day she was still wondering what he was doing and that she couldn't go on. Left him. He was devastated as he thought they had worked it out.

She has now remarried and regrets wasting 5 years of her life on a cheat

Original poster

Mrshoney43 · 26/10/2022 10:12

Thanks for the advice. I’m so emotionally stunted that I haven’t even said about the password as all I will get is sneering and oh it’s always the same thing. It’s as if I’m the difficult one who just can’t seem to be happy.
Upon affair discovery, my partner continued for contact the OW for up to a month after.
He now says there is no contact.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2022 10:17

Why on earth are you clinging to this marriage? He doesn't respect you, he cheated on you, he blames you for everything, and he's in love with another woman. Give up already. This is such a waste of your time.

Theskyisfallingdown · 26/10/2022 10:32

Mrshoney43 · 25/10/2022 21:58

I haven’t asked him to leave because when I do express any discomfort, I am the one with the problem. He can’t get on with me

I don’t understand what this means. You are the one with a problem- you choose a man who cheats, lies, shouts and you and sneers at you. There’s no justification for even one of those, he’s not even worth one more conversation, the sooner you get divorced and STD tested, the sooner you can actually live your life.

Theskyisfallingdown · 26/10/2022 10:53

Imagine the peace and freedom your life will have when you remove this dirty, worthless man from it. Reach for that happiness, you only get one life

Original poster

Mrshoney43 · 26/10/2022 12:58

What is this behaviour? Barely talks to me yet will buy me flowers but not actually give them to me. I have to ask are they for me? And then he will sort of grunt or shrug.

If I bring up anything to do with the affair, it is brought back to how unhappy he was with me. He will then not speak to me for days but text me asking an innocuous question about DCs and then say have a good day even though that morning he will have told me to my face that he doesn’t like me or I’m difficult etc.

OP posts:

Laurdo · 26/10/2022 13:12

You need to get shot of him! He's cheated and is now gaslighting you. What an absolute POS!

Cheating is unforgivable in my book but if someone is truly sorry and wants to make the marriage work they'd do anything to make that happen including moving job, allowing access to phones and they'd completely take the blame on themselves. He's doing to opposite. He's not remorseful, he doesn't feel bad about how he's treated you and my guess if he's probably still doing it. He doesn't care about you in the slightest and you deserve far better.

I'd put money on there being other instances in your relationship where he's done something wrong then blamed you. He's a manipulative gaslighter.

Rockschooldropout · 26/10/2022 13:21

The only way a relationship can work after an affair is total transparency, no password protected phones or emails and he should have looked for another job.
my ex h had an affair at work , despite telling me it was over , they continued to work together , he refused to accept any responsibility for the affair and seemed to revel in seeing me slowly fall apart.. Despite his gaslighting and denials , when I finally walked out I discovered the affair had never ended and most of their colleagues had covered up for them . That was ten years ago and walking out was the best thing I ever did even though at the time it was terrifying with three young dependant dcs and no money

ViolinPin · 26/10/2022 13:25

Mrshoney43 · 26/10/2022 12:58

He believes you should love him unconditionally.

He wants you to foget about the hurt he has dished out to you, rug sweep it and not expect an apology or any kind of change with him.
He wants you to look at him with respect and love liked you used to, but he has blown it, he wants the undeserved adoration from you.

You know he needs to be punished and he will not accept punishment of any kind, he is showing you contempt.

This man will never change, you need to respect yourself and know you deserve better, because you do, anyone does and if you accept this de-humanising treatment you will destroy yourself.

You are a human being with as much right as anyone else on this planet to exist with someone who will treat you with kindness and consideration.

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

That's how you should be thinking, he's a nobody, with an evil soul.

Theskyisfallingdown · 26/10/2022 14:07

Believe him. He told you he does not like you. Ditch him, enjoy life.

Andypandy799 · 26/10/2022 14:08

@Mrshoney43 sorry but one day you will regret not leaving him sooner. I know it may seem like a hard thing to do with all the doubt and insecurities but one day you will find the strength. You deserve better

been and done it. · 26/10/2022 14:10

Mrshoney43 · 25/10/2022 20:56

Thanks for the different perspectives. When you’re in the storm of an affair and he’s going to work with the ex OW, you like me sometimes feel like you have to see emails as proof that nothing is happening but of course it’s not.

It goes against MN grain but without a doubt I'd be checking his phone and his emails - he cheated he's not entitled to any precious consideration in my opinion.

mymumis · 26/10/2022 14:19

My partner had an affair and I didn't end it until 5 years after, I regret not ending it at the time but I was so caught up in the 'hysterical bonding' phase and wanting to prove that it wasn't my fault.

Over the 5 years we stayed together we had periods of happiness but I always felt on edge, checked his phone regularly and I am ashamed to say I even monitored his location on find my iPhone. I was consumed with it, he never actually did anything wrong post affair but I could never get over it.

I am happily single now but I do wish I had just ended it at the time, it would have saved both of us a lot of heartbreak.

LoekMa · 26/10/2022 15:07

Sounds taxing. You haven't mentioned how you would support yourself if you LRB so I guess all this must be worth the stress/disrespect though, so I guess, keep going?

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