I’m seeing a different side to my boyfriend I don’t know what to do

[Pollywhirl]

Long post alert!!

I have been with my partner for a year and a half. Known him for about 3 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he’s 4 now.

Everything seemed great until recently. Little things that bothered me about my bf in the past started to really get to me, such as him always disagreeing with everything I say. By that I mean he seems to always be looking to have an argument or a discussion. I can never be right, if I say the sky is blue he will tell me it’s green and will list 1000000 reasons as to why he feels that’s right. It gets exhausting and hardly makes it easy to have a decent conversation. this also happens when it comes to how I’m raising my son, he has always something to say on how I should be doing this or that. That the way I’m doing prob won’t work and maybe I should do it another way (hope that makes sense). I am very into gentle parenting and allowing my child to express his emotions and feelings, this is a new learning experience for me too as I wasn’t raised that way and I want to raise my son differently than k was and he just doesn’t seem on board with it or understands it. To be honest he doesn’t make the effort to understand as he has to argue with me why it is ineffective and how my child is trying to manipulate me etc…

I just vented one day to him, saying “I wish I knew a way to help my son let out all of his frustrations and feelings out in a safe way” he told me “oh speaking of letting out emotions, I seen a video by Andrew Tate where he was speaking about people who are allowed to express their emotions become psychos”. I had enough at that point. And many other things too.

He also tried to take over the parenting when he’s over here and I notice my son will hide certain things from him because he will tell him off, I stop it immediately (the telling off).

And then my bf moans that I go against him making him feel like an idiot. Even though he’s always doing that to me.

I also started to see that he will say things to me and in a judgey tone of voice and then when I call him on it, he will say “that’s not how I said it that’s not what I meant, sorry you took it the wrong way”. But I am not crazy, I’ve been with people who did this and I know what it’s like. On one instance, my son went to grab my b00b (he does that as a comfort thing when we’re at home, specially when he’s sick and wanting to be close to me as he was breastfed until his 4th bday) and I don’t care that my son does it. He’s not doing it in public and it’s not like it’s all the time. My bf looked at me and said “oh wow, I thought you would’ve put an end to that after our holidays” - in a very disgusted and judging tone of voice.I had never said I would. I asked him about it later and he said he repeated what he said in a very friendly tone and he was just curious nothing else. He also likes to boast about how much money he spends on me to show me how much he loves me, example: he took me on a 2 night stay in England (we live in Ireland) and he kept telling me he just spent £700 on me that he hasn’t done that to anyone else that’s just how much he loves me etc and insists on telling me how much his gifts cost and how much he’s spent with me on Xmas bday etc he came over couple of weeks ago and brought me some vape bars and then got my son a few toys and a take away. He then started telling me he had already spent £100 that day because he got me and my son stuff plus the dinner. Just makes me feel embarrassed and cheap
then there are other things as well but just wanted to give the general idea of the situation.

I’m sorry for the long post and I am sorry if it doesn’t make sense but my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I haven’t seen him in 8 days and I can’t seem to properly speak to him as I am fed up
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Am I being an a**hole and making it a huge big deal? What do I do?

I got as far as the BF telling you your son is trying to manipulate you.

You need to end the relationship with this abuser.

You know what you need to do, you just sound reluctant to do it.

He is a negative influence on your 4 yr old.

Ditch him by phone tonight. Don't see him again. You owe him nothing.

Thank you everyone for the comments. It’s just really hard. It will be done, I still haven’t seen him and to me, I wouldn’t find it fair to do it not being face to face. As much as he is an *hole he was there for me through a very very distressing and difficult time, no questions asked. He always made me laugh and we would keep each other going. It’s so sad to see a relationship that SEEMED to have so much potential go down the drain. But I am also so glad that I have spotted these signs sooner rather than later. The reason why he was introduced to my child so early on is because I’ve known him for 3 years prior. I thought I knew him, and this really gets to me. I’m just glad to have this forum with so many supportive people. Thank you. It’s just hard when I have no one around me that I can talk to thank you for being my support network

Oh my gosh, any mention of Andrew Tate should have a woman running for the hills.

that alone OP.

Everyone saying this but honestly, at that time I had no idea who he was. Not that it makes it any better. After seeing some of the videos I was completely disgusted and it was when I knew deep down what I had to do

Agree.
Not giving you time to think is the action of someone who doesn't want you to see exactly who they are.

In person he may well tell you that "you are being silly and that I am not going to accept what you say and that we are not going to break up as we have too much of a good thing".

All this would just be further proof of a bully dominant man who is not someone you want near your child and life.

I’ve known him for 3 years prior. I thought I knew him, and this really gets to me.

Nobody knows an abuser like their victim.

He has not earned the right of you wanting to break up in what seems the best way for you. If you do it face to face he may well, at the very least, as Billy1966 says, talk you round. Make your decision, don't hang about, stick to your guns. You don't owe him anything and certainly not 'nice'!

Hugs to you.
You love him and your kids probably do to.
Which makes his betrayal just shattering

Well it’s finished. He told me he wasn’t willing to change so I ended it and that was it. Feel like crap, but I do know it was the right decision
thank you everyone

You've done the right thing @Pollywhirl . As you had such different ideas on parenting, the relationship didn't have a future. And his actively trying to discipline etc your son after 18 months was inappropriate, at least as it's in such a different way to how you want to parent.

Well done OP. Next time do not EVER invite or allow a boyfriend to parent your child. EVER.

How do I get over my break up when I know deep down I have done the right thing?

if you check my previous post, I was having issues with my ex. I broke up with him today, it wasn’t ugly. It was amicable. He told me he couldn’t change his argumentative side and it’s the way he is. I said we were done.
Please see my other post for context, but out of the 100 and something comments, they were all telling me to leave asap!
i never felt such pain after a break up in my life. I feel sick, I feel afraid and I feel like maybe I made a mistake. Does anyone have any tips on how to make this any easier I feel so lost

Take it a day at a time. You will have moments of doubt, that's pretty normal.
Keep busy, look after yourself and it will get easier.

Hugs to you.
I've no advice beyond enjoying your child and keeping busy. Take care x

It'll take time OP. All you have to do is wait it out I think (unless at some point you feel you need more help getting your head around it, but it's too early to say that probably, unless you're, like, currently suicidal or something.)

I got therapy to help me get over an ex, but I think it was three months later before I did that to help process the anger.

I've been on anti depressants at times after breakups.

But probably you won't need these things- spend time chatting to friends and stuff like that.

Thank you. I just had a little hope that after talking he could see what was going on, talk about the issues and come to an understanding. But for him to just turn around so casually and say he doesn’t think he can change that. It hurt so much, like he didn’t think enough of me to try and better himself and this relationship. I was willing to work on my stuff had he mentioned something. But I guess I’m more heartbroken over the fact that it was so easy for him. I have a feeling he’s prob got someone else already and now he can do whatever he wants

I’ve just come out of a relationship I’ve been in for 3 yrs which sounds very familiar, so you know what I’m going to say, waste no more time, as you know it’s exhausting he’s manipulating you, it’s not a healthy relationship, I held on and made excuses because I was scared of the alternative but although I still feel weird early days I know I’ve done the right thing for me and my son. Be strong you can do it xx

Put it this way, imagine how difficult it would be for you to end things if he begged, cajoled and made false promises. Breaking up with him is the right thing to do and he has made it easier for you to be able to live without constantly being undermined or worrying about your son. It hurts now in the thick of it, but the sooner its over the sooner you can both move on. I'm really sorry. You've been very strong and you will look back and feel proud of yourself for putting your son first.

Ahh I feel your pain I’m on day 3 and can’t eat, sleep feel afraid ect the only difference is I gave him an ultimatum and he didn’t choose me so I have to just get on with it, you know you have done the right thing no matter how rubbish you feel I just keep writing things down the bad things it’s bloody hard! Thinking of you! X

It’s shit when they don’t choose us, isn’t it? Really made me feel like this wasn’t anything to him. Like I wasn’t good enough for him to make an effort. I hope you feel better soon and thank you xx

I know, especially as he’s standing there saying he loves me to pieces 🤷‍♀️ oh well we have to remember it’s for the best and stay strong xx

It should be fairly obvious that you should put your child first, always, and not your romantic relationship. He sounds dreadful. Can't you see it??

I can. But right now all I can think of is the good times. Thinking if maybe I exaggerated things and made a big deal out of nothing. I know it might just because I’m heartbroken
everything that I said happened. But he was also good. Hit he walked away too easy I guess I have to ride this out and wait for the pain to pass