I’m seeing a different side to my boyfriend I don’t know what to do

[Pollywhirl]

Long post alert!!

I have been with my partner for a year and a half. Known him for about 3 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he’s 4 now.

Everything seemed great until recently. Little things that bothered me about my bf in the past started to really get to me, such as him always disagreeing with everything I say. By that I mean he seems to always be looking to have an argument or a discussion. I can never be right, if I say the sky is blue he will tell me it’s green and will list 1000000 reasons as to why he feels that’s right. It gets exhausting and hardly makes it easy to have a decent conversation. this also happens when it comes to how I’m raising my son, he has always something to say on how I should be doing this or that. That the way I’m doing prob won’t work and maybe I should do it another way (hope that makes sense). I am very into gentle parenting and allowing my child to express his emotions and feelings, this is a new learning experience for me too as I wasn’t raised that way and I want to raise my son differently than k was and he just doesn’t seem on board with it or understands it. To be honest he doesn’t make the effort to understand as he has to argue with me why it is ineffective and how my child is trying to manipulate me etc…

I just vented one day to him, saying “I wish I knew a way to help my son let out all of his frustrations and feelings out in a safe way” he told me “oh speaking of letting out emotions, I seen a video by Andrew Tate where he was speaking about people who are allowed to express their emotions become psychos”. I had enough at that point. And many other things too.

He also tried to take over the parenting when he’s over here and I notice my son will hide certain things from him because he will tell him off, I stop it immediately (the telling off).

And then my bf moans that I go against him making him feel like an idiot. Even though he’s always doing that to me.

I also started to see that he will say things to me and in a judgey tone of voice and then when I call him on it, he will say “that’s not how I said it that’s not what I meant, sorry you took it the wrong way”. But I am not crazy, I’ve been with people who did this and I know what it’s like. On one instance, my son went to grab my b00b (he does that as a comfort thing when we’re at home, specially when he’s sick and wanting to be close to me as he was breastfed until his 4th bday) and I don’t care that my son does it. He’s not doing it in public and it’s not like it’s all the time. My bf looked at me and said “oh wow, I thought you would’ve put an end to that after our holidays” - in a very disgusted and judging tone of voice.I had never said I would. I asked him about it later and he said he repeated what he said in a very friendly tone and he was just curious nothing else. He also likes to boast about how much money he spends on me to show me how much he loves me, example: he took me on a 2 night stay in England (we live in Ireland) and he kept telling me he just spent £700 on me that he hasn’t done that to anyone else that’s just how much he loves me etc and insists on telling me how much his gifts cost and how much he’s spent with me on Xmas bday etc he came over couple of weeks ago and brought me some vape bars and then got my son a few toys and a take away. He then started telling me he had already spent £100 that day because he got me and my son stuff plus the dinner. Just makes me feel embarrassed and cheap
then there are other things as well but just wanted to give the general idea of the situation.

I’m sorry for the long post and I am sorry if it doesn’t make sense but my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I haven’t seen him in 8 days and I can’t seem to properly speak to him as I am fed up
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Am I being an a**hole and making it a huge big deal? What do I do?

I just don’t know how to because I think he’s messed up my head a little kn a way that I now feel guilty.

This tells you all you need to know.

All you need to say is that it's been good but it is no longer working for you. Text is fine, just be absolutely clear

Be clear with him and at the first glimpse of any difficulty, block him on all channels. So glad you have your own place so he has no place in your life once you have broken it off.

Enjoy your life which will be so much better without him.

This

Your poor child having such an asshole in his life. Thank goodness he doesn't live with you. Call the police if he gives you grief. Please do the right thing for your child.

Single parenting is hard OP.
I've also been with my DP similar amount of time and my DD is similar age to your DS.
I'd leave my DP if he ever did this. Please don't allow your child to alter their behaviour around someone who actually treats you like shit (because he does, you must realise this). It'd actually really heartbreaking that your DD is hiding things because of him.

The moment your relationship negatively impacts your child, walk away. In fact run.

I personally haven't allowed any kind of relationship to develop between DP and DD because I just want to enjoy him as a partner and I don't want him to actively parent her. He is seen as mummy's partner and that's it. There's all the time in the world for it to slowly develop. However he knows he will be shown the door if he ever undermines me.

Never let anyone question your parenting. Please leave this horrible man.

Also. Just as a side note. The thing I realised about being a single mum and being in a new relationship is that support for your situation is something that is incredibly key to its succes. Little things like being able to vent if your child is being difficult, sad moments where you question your own decision making etc, need to be met with love and support and reassurance that you're doing an absolutely stellar job, as well as encouraging new or different ideas or advice if something you're trying isn't working. Unsolicited advice is an absolute no no. As is Unsolicited parenting

You already know the answer in your heart. He's not the one for you (or your son).

My friend is with someone like this and had a 2 year old when they got together. She keeps thinking things will get better but they'vegot progressively worse. She is now completely financially dependent on him and has three kids with him. She says she's trapped now.

Don't get to that point. He's gaslighting you. Don't put your kid through it. You think the kids wont get affected but they do, not matter how much you try to protect them.

You aren't obliged to stay with someone just because you once wanted to go out with them. You aren't obliged to stay with someone who forces his own style of 'parenting' on your child. You don't have to stick with someone who makes you unhappy, criticises, gaslights, makes you question yourself. Makes you feel guilty for having your own feelings and opinions.

In fact, the only right course of action, for you and especially for your son, is to leave.

Don't feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong. He's the one who's shown himself to be a poor partner. At best, you're just not compatible. Whichever way, why would you want to stay together? Leave him and be reclaim who you truly are, and be happy.

how my child is trying to manipulate me

This is projection, he is likely to try to manipulate you. It isn't "normal" for an adult to speak about a child in this way.

The gifts and telling you how much money he has spent on you is to make you feel beholden to him. It's working, you feel confused and that is the reason to leave. I know that he can be nice BUT the red flag is that he insists he is right and can't have constructive communication. It will only ever get worse.

Be pleased that you have spotted a toxic individual before living together. There is no shame in leaving a bad relationship. Learn from this and more on. A better man will be out there but take your time.

Thank you so much. It’s easy knowing what I have to do. It’s the doing… I will be doing it next time I see him.
im getting bombarded with texts, which have one word replies from me, which follows up with more questions. If I don’t reply, I get double or triple texts. I’ve no space to think. I will be doing the inevitable very soon I just need to be strong

I'd end it now, over text. Then I'd go NC. Doing it face-to-face will mean he'll try to change your mind. You don't owe this man anything. Why put off the inevitable and make it harder for yourself and your son?

He pulls you down and has ruined your self confidence and he is also a gaslighter.
LTB. You can do this and do it now before he makes you even smaller than you already feel.

RUN! What a misogynist.

This is good advice.

I also think his texting sound like a form of harassment and control. It's a way of him keeping you focussed on him even when he's not with you. He sounds relentless.

He is abusing you. It will get worse. You need to save yourself and your son from this man. The sooner, the better. He doesn't care about either of you, it is all about him. Just do it, quickly and dont overthink it, like ripping of a plaster. Let us know how you get on.

Step parenting is different though.

23 years a step parent

I stopped reading at the Andrew tate part. You need to get rid. He sounds toxic and potentially abusive.

I didn't read any further than him telling your -NOT HIS !!! son off , this won't turn out well dump him quick ,look after your son and yourself and don't put up with this type of thing again , better still stay single.

Ooh

You don't need to wait until you see him again. You don't live together, just tell him it's over on the phone and then it's done.

Yep ☝️

How is it meant to be? How does it work for you and your family? I’m trying to get a clear picture. I know that what he does isn’t right. He tells me he’s trying to be a part of our family and that always used to get me and I’d feel so bad for undermining him. But at the same time I felt like I had to.

This 🙏

This.

You're waiting longer to break up with someone who never ever lets you be 'right'... just so that you can do it face to face? Where's the logic in that?

He doesn't need to agree with it, it's not a joint decision.

You don't want someone toxic, argumentative and overwhelmingly likely to be sexist, in the life of your son.

Put your son first and just end the relationship.

This man isn't a step parent, it's not comparable.

Ideally when blending a family you would work out where you are and aren't compatible, and decide if the compromise needed on both sides is doable or not. Even then, when everyone has gone in with the best of intentions there can be massive issues.

Your boyfriend is already bossing you both around, stamping authority he has no rights to, imagine how much worse it would be if he moved in.