I’m seeing a different side to my boyfriend I don’t know what to do

[Pollywhirl]

Long post alert!!

I have been with my partner for a year and a half. Known him for about 3 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he’s 4 now.

Everything seemed great until recently. Little things that bothered me about my bf in the past started to really get to me, such as him always disagreeing with everything I say. By that I mean he seems to always be looking to have an argument or a discussion. I can never be right, if I say the sky is blue he will tell me it’s green and will list 1000000 reasons as to why he feels that’s right. It gets exhausting and hardly makes it easy to have a decent conversation. this also happens when it comes to how I’m raising my son, he has always something to say on how I should be doing this or that. That the way I’m doing prob won’t work and maybe I should do it another way (hope that makes sense). I am very into gentle parenting and allowing my child to express his emotions and feelings, this is a new learning experience for me too as I wasn’t raised that way and I want to raise my son differently than k was and he just doesn’t seem on board with it or understands it. To be honest he doesn’t make the effort to understand as he has to argue with me why it is ineffective and how my child is trying to manipulate me etc…

I just vented one day to him, saying “I wish I knew a way to help my son let out all of his frustrations and feelings out in a safe way” he told me “oh speaking of letting out emotions, I seen a video by Andrew Tate where he was speaking about people who are allowed to express their emotions become psychos”. I had enough at that point. And many other things too.

He also tried to take over the parenting when he’s over here and I notice my son will hide certain things from him because he will tell him off, I stop it immediately (the telling off).

And then my bf moans that I go against him making him feel like an idiot. Even though he’s always doing that to me.

I also started to see that he will say things to me and in a judgey tone of voice and then when I call him on it, he will say “that’s not how I said it that’s not what I meant, sorry you took it the wrong way”. But I am not crazy, I’ve been with people who did this and I know what it’s like. On one instance, my son went to grab my b00b (he does that as a comfort thing when we’re at home, specially when he’s sick and wanting to be close to me as he was breastfed until his 4th bday) and I don’t care that my son does it. He’s not doing it in public and it’s not like it’s all the time. My bf looked at me and said “oh wow, I thought you would’ve put an end to that after our holidays” - in a very disgusted and judging tone of voice.I had never said I would. I asked him about it later and he said he repeated what he said in a very friendly tone and he was just curious nothing else. He also likes to boast about how much money he spends on me to show me how much he loves me, example: he took me on a 2 night stay in England (we live in Ireland) and he kept telling me he just spent £700 on me that he hasn’t done that to anyone else that’s just how much he loves me etc and insists on telling me how much his gifts cost and how much he’s spent with me on Xmas bday etc he came over couple of weeks ago and brought me some vape bars and then got my son a few toys and a take away. He then started telling me he had already spent £100 that day because he got me and my son stuff plus the dinner. Just makes me feel embarrassed and cheap
then there are other things as well but just wanted to give the general idea of the situation.

I’m sorry for the long post and I am sorry if it doesn’t make sense but my head is a bit of a mess at the moment. I haven’t seen him in 8 days and I can’t seem to properly speak to him as I am fed up
I don’t know what I’m looking for. Am I being an a**hole and making it a huge big deal? What do I do?

Omg! Why are you still with him? Number one is your child right? Is this the healthiest environment for him? Is this the role model you want him to aspire to be? You know what needs to done that's why you've posted on here. Hopefully all this support helps you take the first step towards getting rid of this AH. Be strong. Stick to your guns. You can do it for your boy and for yourself! Good luck.

You're doing the right thing by LTB.
He criticises you continually, then denies it, nags your son and is argumentative. Nothing is worth staying in that relationship. It'll wear you down and leave you a depressed shadow of your former self.

You shouldn’t have brought this man into your child’s life so soon after starting to date. He shouldn’t be trying to parent your DC, this man is a boyfriend and not a nice one. Anyone who came into my home and caused my DC to start hiding things and arguing with me about every point would be gone. If you can’t do it for yourself do it for your poor son

You have different parenting styles, so it is impossible for him to be a stepfather to your son. That alone makes this relationship pointless.

Omg just dump him, now, over text. He is treating your son badly and that is all you need to consider. Get rid. Nothing is more important than the emotional welfare of your child. Nothing.

He doesn't deserve consideration or kindness. He's a prick. Dump him by text and block him. Job done
.

A platonic friendship and an intimate relationship are two different dynamics. You are not compatible with Mr ‘know it all’, what may have worked in your platonic relationship, does not work in your new dynamic. Your gut feelings about this man and his behaviour are spot on, you knew before posting what you needed to do. You just need to clear the being grateful to this man hurdle.

Back seat parenting is the easiest form of parenting.

Agree with PPs. Text him that it's over. No need to see him to do it. He'll just let loose a barrage of abuse towards you.

I stopped reading when you said he auotes Andrew Tate videos. This isn’t a man you want to settle with or allow into your son’s life. End it, firmly. You don’t need to apologise or explain.

quotes Andrew Tate

If it helps with motivating you to do the deed, imagine having a conversation with your son when he's 16, 18 etc. Wouldn't it be great to be able to say to him that you prioritised him and the lovely, gentle parenting dynamic you've built up and kicked that loser to the kerb? Hopefully you'll both be able to shake your heads and say 'man, what a tool he was' and get on with your lovely lives. Sounds like you're doing a better job without anyone else interfering anyway!!

Ditch him. He’s not right for you. He’s also not right as a step parent to your son. End the relationship.

This. And your son is schoolaged and shouldn't be grabbing your boob. Are you sure your gentle parenting is effective?

But definitely ditch him, your e not compatible.

You don't have to have a reason to finish a relationship, you don't have to explain to him why it's not working and he certainly doesn't have to agree with you. 'It's not working for me' is a good enough explanation and the only one you need to give. He can give you 10000s of reasons why it is working, but you just say 'I'm sure you're right dp, but I'm not happy and I'm putting a stop to this relationship' don't mention your son or your dp behaviour.

Tbh your dp doesn't seem to have matured passed the teenager stage, my dd used to do this as a way of growing up and finding her voice. She's 15 now and grown out if it.

Got as far as Andrew Tate...your bf is a very dangerous man. LTB get out

@Pollywhirl we never disciplined each other’s children. I mean if they were about to kill each other we would have. But discipline is really the role of the natural parent in birth families.

The best role for a step parent is that if mentor.

The ONLY way you'll get a clear head is to dump him and get as much space away from him as possible. Block him and disengage. Do it today. Now if possible.

You respond with "I don't like it when you bombard me with text messages. I don't like it when you treat me this way. I don't think it's a good environment for DS to be in. With that in mind, I am letting you know that I am ending our relationship. I wish you all the best with your life. Please don't contact me again. All the best, @Pollywhirl "

Or something to that effect.

You end it. You end it now. You end it for your mental wellbeing and the mental wellbeing of your DS.

If he shows up, you contact the police and explain that a man you were in a relationship with and that you ended that relationship, is now harassing you and you need them to do something.

In essence, you leave him and you block his number and him on social media. You make a clean break and you move on.

Dump and block, it'll feel like a weight lifted off your shoulders.

You asked about stepparenting and what it’s meant to be? All relationships are different so it’s about communicating and everyone being happy. My dc are a lot older than yours, and have autism so my parenting style is much gentle

Pressed post too soon. Was going to say my parenting style is much gentler than most peoples. I’ve said this many times before but dp’s role is ‘fun uncle’ and this was agreed at the start. I want my home to be happy and I think a man imposing his will would not make it happy. Dp is fine with that. If he has a problem we have a conversation about it to resolve it. It works for us. We don’t live together but I am hoping to in the next 12 months. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years and dp is happy with that pace as I had to focus on my dc.

I’ve no space to think.

That's intentional on his part.

You do not need to see him to break up with him. It would probably be safer if you didn't. I'd certainly recommend you have someone with you. Men like him don't take kindly to rejection, please do whatever you need to to keep yourself and your son safe.

I'm glad you've decided to finish this relationship.
Step parenting is a complex business! Some people are able to love their SC and be like a second Mum/Dad but in reality it's more often a case of they support their partners in parenting their children are kind and caring adults in their SC lives. There's also many people who find it hard and it's a struggle.
My best tip (as both a SC and a SM) - always put the kids first but be prepared to walk away if your owns needs are not being met too.
Good luck but don't be in a rush to introduce boyfriends to your child.

As if there was any doubt, and the fact that he's having a go at your child means his departure is long overdue.

It won't be easy but do you want to continue feeling this way?

Need to RTFT...good luck!