Boyfriend has financial links to ex still

[Kikibirdy]

My partner of 3 years - divorced but still has joint account with ex wife for (now young adult ) kids

also does things like pays for ex’a holiday fare when she goes away with kid/s

we don’t live together but he does want us to get married . The financial links to his ex make me want to run a mile tbh - am I being over cautious ?

i have two teenage sons and own my own house , work etc

It's hard because he will ALWAYS have financial ties to her b/c of the kids. Does he have his own accounts? If she sees ALL his money then I agree with you, but he's probably just not found it in himself to change it? I'd talk to him about how you feel. I feel like probably it's the way it was and he's just never changed it. Positive is, he sounds like he's trying to be involved with his kids, so that's good

He is probably enabling her to take a holiday that she otherwise could not afford. He will be doing it for his children. My H still has a joint account with his ex to pay for joint expenses for his children. He is showing responsibility.

Exactly this. My ex has offered to pay for me to go away with my DCs because he knows they’d like me to be there and I can’t afford it.

Oh yes has his own accounts too

Agreed. He sounds like a keeper to me.

Then he has an account he can use to move money to his ex. That sounds to me like he's trying to care for his kids and not a deadbeat.

Does he earn enough that he can comfortably afford it? If it's not impinging on your relationship and what you do with him, then let it be.
However, if you do ever get married/move in together, then I can see how it might bother you. Is it just a once a year thing? Is there more to it? How would you feel if he was paying towards his adult kids holiday rather than hers?

Yeah it doesn’t impinge on us at all now and yes he’s a great dad

I just haven’t heard of anyone having a joint account after they are divorced (in my RL circles )

That's kind of sad. If I separated when we had young kids, I'd have kept an account to send money in an emergency. I'd have paid for them to have holidays. I'd have done everything I could to make my kids lives better.

They aren’t young - they are 21 and 19

Assume they still live with mum and so she will still be spending money on them

No - one is at uni and one is post uni works and rents a flat share ! They are young adults

Does mum or your partner subsidise the uni student?

Think they both do yeah

i would disagree that you would always have joint finances due to children. I think it’s not only weird but rather precarious to have joint bank account with an ex partner.

with adult offspring if money needs to be sent it can be done electronically in minutes by bank transfer

if this person wants to move on with their life and form another relationship, then financial ties needed to be severed for good reason

Thing is, unless you have access to that account, you don't know what else he's spending money on for his ex. Why keep a joint account? These days it's easy to do one off transfers, to her for a holiday or to his adult kids. That would really bother me, if it ever go to the marriage/moving in stage.

Young adult needs defining. 15? 19?

With my ex, we still have a joint saving account which is going to be use for college fund as all child benefit goes into this account.

Looks like I’m in the minority here, but I wouldn’t say this is typical, and I definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with these financial links to their ex.
Neither of the children are young and one doesn’t even live at home!

My kids are 26 and 21 and I still fully support them, both are at uni. I think those situations can differ. If he has other accounts and most of his money is not in the account she can access, and the kids are still not independent, then I don't think this is the end of the world.

joint account aside- don’t get married - you have assets and children and you would handing over there inheritance to your BF. I never understand folks who remarry having already gone through the trauma of divorce and the financial wrangling that go with it

I have a joint account with my ex. It’s for things like the kid’s clothes, shoes, flights, dinner money, college trips etc. and I expect we’ll keep it until we don’t need it anymore. We both have equal access to it so if I’m out with the kids and we fancy a coffee it comes out of the joint account. He took them to Spain the the summer - joint account, trip to see my family this half term - joint account. We both pay in similar amounts - a percentage of our salaries - and it has worked really well for years. There’s no hassle or haggling over maintenance and the kids have everything the need. For big things like holidays we’ll have a chat about it (e.g. “Is it ok if I take to kids to see mum over half term?”) but it’s never usually a problem.

With a joint account, you're jointly and severally liable for any overdraft incurred ... I'd not want to be financially linked with someone I was no longer married to in that way.

With 'kids' that age (adults!) any money they needed could be transferred to them in minutes, it's not like they're 5 and 7. He can obviously do whatever he likes, but I'd not be marrying him, OP.

Do you mean the OP’s partner’s children? It’s right there in her posts.

One is 21, graduated uni, working and living in a flat share, the other is 19 and at uni.

I still have a joint account with my ex. More because we've never got round to switching it into my name than anything else. Very little goes through it though.