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Original poster

Boyfriend has financial links to ex still

85 replies

Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 01:11

My partner of 3 years - divorced but still has joint account with ex wife for (now young adult ) kids

also does things like pays for ex’a holiday fare when she goes away with kid/s

we don’t live together but he does want us to get married . The financial links to his ex make me want to run a mile tbh - am I being over cautious ?

i have two teenage sons and own my own house , work etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 10:51

BatshitCrazyWoman · 24/10/2022 07:37

With a joint account, you're jointly and severally liable for any overdraft incurred ... I'd not want to be financially linked with someone I was no longer married to in that way.

With 'kids' that age (adults!) any money they needed could be transferred to them in minutes, it's not like they're 5 and 7. He can obviously do whatever he likes, but I'd not be marrying him, OP.

This is my thinking tbh - seems a bit too close for comfort

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 24/10/2022 10:58

I actually think it’s very considerate of partner to be doing this, but obviously you need to talk further about this should you get to move in together. You would think that once the teenager finishes university and gets a job, he will not need to contribute anymore.

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/10/2022 12:21

I wouldn't be happy with that OP and I can't believe others saying it's ok.

The DCs are adults and should they require money from their Dad for whatever reason, they can approach him directly.

I wouldn't live with a man who was still financially tied to another woman when their joint DCs are adults.

But it does sound like this is a long standing arrangement and that he hasn't got round to making changes or is perhaps wary of disrupting the status quo. Is his XW likely to kick off if he cancels the arrangement?

Bookworm20 · 24/10/2022 15:41

THisbackwithavengeance · 24/10/2022 12:21

I wouldn't be happy with that OP and I can't believe others saying it's ok.

The DCs are adults and should they require money from their Dad for whatever reason, they can approach him directly.

I wouldn't live with a man who was still financially tied to another woman when their joint DCs are adults.

But it does sound like this is a long standing arrangement and that he hasn't got round to making changes or is perhaps wary of disrupting the status quo. Is his XW likely to kick off if he cancels the arrangement?

This. I could understand if the dc were actually children and he paid money into an account so its available for all those unpredictable things which crop up when you have kids.

But they are adults and one isn't even living at home. Surely they would come direct to their dad if they needed money for anything.

So yes, I'd find that setup a little odd. Definitely needs a proper explanation. And certainly an expiry date.

altmember · 24/10/2022 16:09

Completely unnecessary, it's just some kind of way to keep them tied together. Especially since the kids are now adults.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 16:09

Yeah ex would prob kick off if he changed it ..

I guess it’s also linked that she is very much still in the ‘wife’ role in eyes of his family (she has never met anyone else )

OP posts:
MomwasCasual · 24/10/2022 16:18

I absolutely would not marry a man who was still financially linked to someone else.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 16:55

Not sure how to broach it tbh

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 24/10/2022 17:36

It depends on the relationship. Me and ex get on great so help each other out with all sorts. It's good for the kids to see too.

knittingaddict · 24/10/2022 17:39

ThatAussieGuy · 24/10/2022 01:16

It's hard because he will ALWAYS have financial ties to her b/c of the kids. Does he have his own accounts? If she sees ALL his money then I agree with you, but he's probably just not found it in himself to change it? I'd talk to him about how you feel. I feel like probably it's the way it was and he's just never changed it. Positive is, he sounds like he's trying to be involved with his kids, so that's good

It's highly unusual to have joint accounts with your ex, even if there are children involved. It all sounds a bit messy and unresolved and I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

Jalepenojello · 24/10/2022 17:42

He’s sounds generous to the mother of his children - as long as they aren’t emotionally invested in each other I think it’s a good thing

knittingaddict · 24/10/2022 17:42

TheCurseOfBoris · 24/10/2022 01:56

Thing is, unless you have access to that account, you don't know what else he's spending money on for his ex. Why keep a joint account? These days it's easy to do one off transfers, to her for a holiday or to his adult kids. That would really bother me, if it ever go to the marriage/moving in stage.

I was going to say just this. As a family we are always transferring money between us - me, my husband and our two adult children. It takes seconds to send money to another account. There is really no need for a joint account of any kind.

Zofloraeverywhere · 24/10/2022 17:45

I’m another one who wouldn’t be at all happy with this. Divorce usually means that you cut financial links to your ex. If his ex runs up a big overdraft on the joint account, he would have to pay half of it!

LittleOwl153 · 24/10/2022 17:59

The payingnfor stuff I guess depends on what spare cash he has and what their relationship is like.

The formal financial ties of a joint bank account though- no. I would not have any formal financial ties (joint rent/house purchase/bank account etc) with anyone who already had these ties with someone else. It is too much of a financial risk to you. Get him to speak to the bank and see if there is some way it can be converted to something g without the links - similar to a club / business account I guess. If not it would need to be closed.

In terms of her still being 'the wife' I suspect you ha e bigger issues than a paid for holiday sadly...

BatshitCrazyWoman · 24/10/2022 18:55

Zofloraeverywhere · 24/10/2022 17:45

I’m another one who wouldn’t be at all happy with this. Divorce usually means that you cut financial links to your ex. If his ex runs up a big overdraft on the joint account, he would have to pay half of it!

My consent order expressly stated that the joint account I had with my about to be ex husband had to be closed.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 19:54

I presume they didn’t do a consent order as they did a diy online v amicable divorce ..

OP posts:
Zofloraeverywhere · 24/10/2022 21:12

So there is no financial agreement between them from a divorce lawyer? I definitely wouldn’t move in or marry this man!

Darbs76 · 24/10/2022 21:17

They both still have financial responsibility for one child still who is at Uni. I don’t see anything wrong with this. Makes it easier for joint expenses for kids

MacarenaMacarena · 24/10/2022 21:24

ivykaty44 · 24/10/2022 01:45

i would disagree that you would always have joint finances due to children. I think it’s not only weird but rather precarious to have joint bank account with an ex partner.

with adult offspring if money needs to be sent it can be done electronically in minutes by bank transfer

if this person wants to move on with their life and form another relationship, then financial ties needed to be severed for good reason

Not convinced every mum if a19 yo living as a single patent would agree... Much as a new partner would like her man to cut financial ties as a sign of commitment to her, if he's willing cut loose the 19 yo (or the mum housing and supporting him) what kind of person is he??

MrsKeats · 24/10/2022 21:27

So not a clean break divorce then.
I think that's a bizarre thing to do.

B1rd · 25/10/2022 00:26

I still have a joint account with my ex. He pays £100 into it, but doesn't need to, because he shares access 50% of the time. But our DD still requires food at school and clothes.
We still have 50% in each others houses too because our DD comes first.
I have absolutely no wish to get back with my ex despite our finances still being together 6 years later.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/10/2022 05:20

Darbs76 · 24/10/2022 21:17

They both still have financial responsibility for one child still who is at Uni. I don’t see anything wrong with this. Makes it easier for joint expenses for kids

Or he could do what the rest of us did, which was transfer money directly to the student.

As far as I'm aware, all divorces need to have a consent order (which may or not mention the joint account) so I'd be even more wary of marrying and joining my finances with him and his ex.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/10/2022 05:27

Have found this :

www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-a-financial-consent-order/#:~:text=So%20you%20don%27t%20have,break%2C%20protecting%20your%20future%20income.

You don't need to have one, but it's recommended. The examples they give are quite extreme 😂

And it's not about not supporting the uni student Hmm most of us managed that without still being financially linked to our exhs.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 07:23

B1rd · 25/10/2022 00:26

I still have a joint account with my ex. He pays £100 into it, but doesn't need to, because he shares access 50% of the time. But our DD still requires food at school and clothes.
We still have 50% in each others houses too because our DD comes first.
I have absolutely no wish to get back with my ex despite our finances still being together 6 years later.

can I ask why you have 50% in each other’s houses though?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 07:55

BatshitCrazyWoman · 25/10/2022 05:27

Have found this :

www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-a-financial-consent-order/#:~:text=So%20you%20don%27t%20have,break%2C%20protecting%20your%20future%20income.

You don't need to have one, but it's recommended. The examples they give are quite extreme 😂

And it's not about not supporting the uni student Hmm most of us managed that without still being financially linked to our exhs.

Thanks for the link - yeah they def didn’t get one of these when divorced

OP posts: