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Original poster

Boyfriend has financial links to ex still

85 replies

Kikibirdy · 24/10/2022 01:11

My partner of 3 years - divorced but still has joint account with ex wife for (now young adult ) kids

also does things like pays for ex’a holiday fare when she goes away with kid/s

we don’t live together but he does want us to get married . The financial links to his ex make me want to run a mile tbh - am I being over cautious ?

i have two teenage sons and own my own house , work etc

OP posts:
Achangeiscomeing · 25/10/2022 07:59

The same here my partner has a joint account still with Exw
I was not happy with it in the beginning!
I was with him when he went through the divorce and the financial settlement and it ended with a clean break but he had to pay her off and pay her maintenance for the DC they are over 18 now but both still at uni.

This account has no money in it .
I asked him why keep the account and he should break his ties with her but he said it was just easier for him to move the money as it was large amounts instead of going through the checking process with the bank so he just transfers the money into this account and (she swipes it ) straight away his own words that makes me laugh! So it's only used to deposit moneys

They are at loggerheads all the time ! as it was not a good divorce when he explained it to me it made sense it's only a bank account at the end of the day and it don't bother me as it has no affect on me and our finances together

When his youngest DC finishes uni I will be reminding him to close the account which I think will happen as there will be no need for this joint bank account anymore as there will be no more money he will have to pay her so it will come to a end which will annoy her!

RFPO77 · 25/10/2022 08:05

You have your own house and money and between you there's at least one divorce already, why get married at this point? It's just financial risk for you both and your kids so I wouldn't bother. Just live together.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 08:28

Achangeiscomeing · 25/10/2022 07:59

The same here my partner has a joint account still with Exw
I was not happy with it in the beginning!
I was with him when he went through the divorce and the financial settlement and it ended with a clean break but he had to pay her off and pay her maintenance for the DC they are over 18 now but both still at uni.

This account has no money in it .
I asked him why keep the account and he should break his ties with her but he said it was just easier for him to move the money as it was large amounts instead of going through the checking process with the bank so he just transfers the money into this account and (she swipes it ) straight away his own words that makes me laugh! So it's only used to deposit moneys

They are at loggerheads all the time ! as it was not a good divorce when he explained it to me it made sense it's only a bank account at the end of the day and it don't bother me as it has no affect on me and our finances together

When his youngest DC finishes uni I will be reminding him to close the account which I think will happen as there will be no need for this joint bank account anymore as there will be no more money he will have to pay her so it will come to a end which will annoy her!

Exactly ! I bet she’s single right ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 08:28

RFPO77 · 25/10/2022 08:05

You have your own house and money and between you there's at least one divorce already, why get married at this point? It's just financial risk for you both and your kids so I wouldn't bother. Just live together.

Yeah this is exactly what I am thinking now . Why get married !

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 25/10/2022 09:01

Those of you who think these joint accounts with an ex are OK.... you do realise that by having financial ties with someone (married or not) can mean you are financially liable for them and their debts...

So if you have a joint account with your partner... who has a joint account with their ex- spouse... and the ex-spouse has a joint account with their new partner, you could by an aggressive lender end up liable for the debts of the ex spouses new partner.... not something I would put myself in the position of!

RainbowsMoonbeams · 25/10/2022 09:15

At 19 and 21 years old, why can’t he set bank accounts up for them and help them out directly?

They are adults now.

user1471457751 · 25/10/2022 09:18

@LittleOwl153 no that won't happen, please don't make things up.

www.stepchange.org/debt-info/debt-collection/right-of-offset.aspx

user1471457751 · 25/10/2022 09:19

I'm not sure why mnhq have hidden my post (maybe I can't do links) but it was a link to Stepchange explaining the rules of offsetting debts from joint accounts. The situation described by @LittleOwl153 can't happen and its frustrating to read people post such nonsense.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 10:04

I think a big part of it is that she is single still - my partner would prob feel differently if she had a partner too..

OP posts:
Guessie · 25/10/2022 10:06

My mum and dad divorced when I was young. He met someone new but continued to pay the mortgage on my mum's house even though he signed it all over to her, just so we could continue to live in our childhood home and that she would have inheritance to give us, or could sell and downsize when we moved out. He also helped her buy a car. Respect to him!

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 10:56

altmember · 24/10/2022 16:09

Completely unnecessary, it's just some kind of way to keep them tied together. Especially since the kids are now adults.

Yeah I think this tbh!

OP posts:
Zofloraeverywhere · 25/10/2022 11:33

@Kikibirdy you definitely don’t need to answer any of these questions but these are things to consider before you move in with him:

Is your DP a high earner? Does he earn a lot more than his ex? Is she able to support herself financially? Did they jointly own a property? Is he still on the mortgage and/or paying towards her general household costs? What would happen if he lost his job or became ill? What would happen if his ex became ill? Do they have any debts, savings or pensions? Are his children both capable of living independently and having financial independence? Do you think she would support him financially if the situation was reversed?

I think he’s been very foolish by not getting a consent order. Everything you have said indicates that he and his ex haven’t fully moved on financially and emotionally from their split.

Achangeiscomeing · 25/10/2022 11:39

Exactly ! I bet she’s single right ?

Yep she is single.

If she had a partner I don't think he would have closed down the account something I will ask him out of interest.

He actually wishes she would get a partner !

Cactuslove · 25/10/2022 11:45

I still have a joint account with ex. He doesn't have a card or anything for it just neither of us have gotten round to taking his name off. Also have savings accounts for kids in joint names. I couldnt dislike my ex more though we are cordial for the kids. If he offered me extra money to go on holiday I'd take it. So ime it's means nothing.

potniatheron · 25/10/2022 12:39

OP, are you sure they're actually divorced?

BananaCocktails · 25/10/2022 12:45

His children are adults
it would annoy me if we were married
if we are not married then not my business
but if you marry him his finances should be tied with you not her
sounds like this is a casual thing from him unless it’s court ordered ? How often does he give her money ? Be more appropriate for him to give his children money soon as they are adults rather than his ex?
if there is no court order I’d have a conversation with him about how you expect to manage your finances in future if you do get married

Fushiadreams · 25/10/2022 12:49

In this I’d think you were the red flag and he should run. Is your issue jealousy or insecurity? Because having a joint account with an amicable ex to co parent is a great idea.

bravelittletiger · 25/10/2022 12:51

I'm surprised you see this as a negative and not a positive. Are you threatened by the children? If you're going to make it work long time I think you need to embrace his status as a father. He seems to be taking his role seriously and supporting both his ex and his children as much as he can.

theremustonlybeone · 25/10/2022 13:20

bravelittletiger I think OP has an issue with the 'joint' account not the children. If she were to marry this man if the account ends up massively overdrawn etc her DP would be liable so seems sensible to be concerned that he has a shared account with an ex.

Lostmyway86 · 25/10/2022 13:33

This is so weird. As a stepmother now I would have found this totally unnecessary and strange. They're adults! There's completely no need for it.

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 13:46

potniatheron · 25/10/2022 12:39

OP, are you sure they're actually divorced?

I did wonder this ! I mean he says he is and it went through a long process but who knows !

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 13:48

Not at all threatened by his kids -no - it’s him having a joint account with someone else that makes me wary

OP posts:
potniatheron · 25/10/2022 14:11

Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 13:46

I did wonder this ! I mean he says he is and it went through a long process but who knows !

Show quote history

It might be something you might just wanna check out. If you can do it in such a way where it doesn't come off like you don't trust him etc

Original poster
Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 14:22

potniatheron · 25/10/2022 14:11

It might be something you might just wanna check out. If you can do it in such a way where it doesn't come off like you don't trust him etc

Show quote history

How would that be possible either than asking him ?!

OP posts:
potniatheron · 25/10/2022 14:57

Kikibirdy · 25/10/2022 14:22

How would that be possible either than asking him ?!

Show quote history

I found this online: www.gov.uk/copy-decree-absolute-final-order

TBH the easiest way is to ask him but it's hard to do that wihtout it seeming like you don't trust him which might end up being more damaging

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