Don't agree with my friends parenting style. What to do?

[hesaysimterrible]

I have a good friend. She's very relaxed and blazé about things. Some may say she's a lazy mother (my DH does). She is 10 years older than me with 2 children. One 12 the same age as my son and the other is 18. My son and her son are very good friends, often spending days at each of our houses or having sleepovers.

But I don't agree with her parenting choices and I feel the effects they have on her children are also wearing on mine.

Example 1: she often leaves her son home alone for hours (for the past several years, not just since he's been 12). Sometimes her eldest is home upstairs on the 3rd floor, but never makes an appearance or spends time with the youngest to make sure he's ok. There have been numerous times when we have allowed our son to go to their house to play and the children were left home alone and we only found out about it after the fact.

Example 2: there is no regulation / monitoring of screens, iPads, phones, etc. The child has free reign to play whatever video games he wants for pretty much however long he wants. My son goes over to play and they spend the entire time on screens. My son knows he shouldn't be watching certain movies / tv programmes (he has quite bad anxiety) but often reports back to us saying how his friend has watched the whole series of Squid Games when it first came out and most recently watched the Jeffrey Dahlmer serial killer mini-series on Netflix. Both very gruesome and graphic. It makes me wonder what else he's watching!

Example 3: there's no enforcement of bedtimes. My son is in bed usually about 8:30, but sometimes at 9-10pm or later my sons phone which stays downstairs starts ringing with his friend calling or buzzing with late night messages. He's clearly not sleeping and is allowed to have the phone in the bedroom with him. In the summer our boys had a sleepover at her house and my son came home exhausted. It turns out that she tucked them in at 11:30 and went off to bed and slept solid the whole night while they stayed up on their phones and iPads until 3:30am!!! She got up and went to work the next morning and left cereal out for them when they woke up.

Example 4: she lets him come and go from the house when he likes. I was surprised to learn that at 8-9 he was leaving the house to ride / walk down a busy road about 10 mins away from home to go to the corner shop to get things.

Example 5: She always wants to do activities that require as little involvement from her as possible. Things like indoor / outdoor climbing which I view as a treat for my boy because it's often upwards of £25 per session. And that allows her to just sit there and have a coffee.

When she told me about the sleepover I was quite shocked because she was just so La Dee Da about the whole thing. When I said something along the lines of "oh gosh that's so late to be up gaming, she kind of laughed and said that maybe she should have checked to see if they had screens with them 🤦‍♀️ Then she brushed it off by saying oh but that's what being a kid and having sleepovers is all about.

I love her as a friend, our boys are great friends, but I don't agree with the way she just leaves her children to basically parent themselves. How do I approach this without offending her or ruining our friendship?

TBH you sound a bit judgemental. Who cares if they have more screen time than YOU agree with!

Do you both a favour and ditch her? I’ve done this before over suffering parenting styles - slightly different scenario though, she was a very intense ‘gentle parent’ and let her then 8yo get away with treating my DD, same age, like absolute crap while she sat and said nothing. Got to the point where I really felt her DD was bullying mine so I severed the friendship. If it affects your DS adversely I would do the same

As your children get older they will have more and more friends whose approach is different you yours and you will have less and less 'control' over it.

You can really only affect what goes on in your own home.

There is no approach you can take that will change her parenting choices. Outcomes could range from amusement to offence.

Her parenting sounds pretty similar to mine, but if your son is uncomfortable with their household rules then I’d course he shouldn’t go to his friend’s house.

You sound like a helicopter parent trying to control everything.

Your son is old enough to know how to say, no, i'd rather not watch this.

You'll never be able to protect him from everything so stop trying.
He has to learn things for himself.

The only thing I would mention to the friend is you'd rather your son not watch graphic violent shows/movies.

Good friends have to copy your parenting methods? Are you for real?
OP your options are
a) let your son go over or
b) don’t let your son go over
She’s a relaxed parent but you in no way get to ‘advise her’ or ‘chat to her’ about her parenting. You don’t need to be ‘comfortable’ with it, she does. Maybe she wouldn’t be ‘comfortable’ with your parenting style?
Basically this!! Can't imagine how that chat would go..... " mmm okays, thanks for the multiple sleepovers but here's the list DH and I have made of judging your parenting choices which we want you to change to suit us" 😆
Honestly judging her for sitting down and having a coffee while the son is at an activity!! How very dare she!! (Never been to a soft play op?)

It's not her parenting style that is the issue. It's just that it doesn't work for your son. If you do speak to her about it, approach it from your child's point of view. "DS's anxiety has got worse after watching XYZ. Can you make sure they don't watch anything horrible at yours, please." But I don't think you can say anything about them being left alone for a few hours or staying up late because that's not a problem for most 12-year-olds. Does he not want to go there any more? Or are you just worrying.

I really empathize with you and I think parents who are more similar to your friend will always defensively lambast others with more boundaries and expectations as "babying" and "helicoptering".

I have a 12yr old and feel exactly the same as you about such parents. No supervision, doing and watching whatever they want - I think its all too much too soon. Why would I want a 12yr old who acts like a 16yr old? I work with high-risk teens and personally I can see no real benefit but plenty of potential pitfalls.

We are really upfront with our kids that they are our responsibility and we will do what we think is in their best interest in terms of rules and values. We say no to sleepovers that are not at our place for those friends who watch Deadpool and spends all their waking hours playing violent video games. We tell our son to just tell people we are strict - no problem.

I wish my son could meet way more kids like yours who have parents who are involved and who we could trust to set the rules and tone but I've come to realize we are probably in the minority unfortunately.

Why are you letting your son go to hers?
Have the sleepovers at yours.

H t

Respecting the views of a friend or the needs of their child when you are in loco parentis is not the same as 'copying their parenting style'.

We are relaxed about sugary food. Am I going to be relaxed when the DC with Type 1 diabetes is over? No.

We sometimes put pictures of our DC on social media. My sibling doesn't use social media. Am I going to put pix of her DC on social media? No.

We are not religious. Am I going to go on about that to DC of friends and family with strongly held religious beliefs? No.

We don't let our DC watch/play stuff not rated for their age. Would I be cool with friends' parents letting them? No.

The only real issue we've ever had with this was in a house where an older brother is often left in loco parentis, so I could see where the OP was coming from on that (although not with the coffee...that's bonkers!)

I think the point about DC gradually becoming more independent is a good one, but I'm guessing a lot of the people posting here don't have SEN kids who are more impulsive, highly anxious and mature more slowly.

Sorry OP but you sound a bit OTT for a 12 year old.

PPs saying that the other mum isn't monitoring what they are watching: it's impossible with the Internet and mobile phones for any parent to monitor what their teens are watching. Even the man that goes round schools giving parents Internet advice talks for teens tells them it's not worth putting a lock on what they can access. They can always access it elsewhere- at school, on the school bus, at a friend's house etc. This is why our children need a thorough education in pornography and how damaging it is to all involved. Your son needs to learn to say that he doesn't like something and it makes him feel uncomfortable to watch eg the Dahmer film. You cannot protect him from the Internet. This is why I hate it but it's a reality. But overall, in my eyes, the other mum is fine and you are being stifling.

I fucking LOVE activities where I don’t have to be involved. In fact I’m happy to pay through the nose for a birthday party at an activity centre where the kids climb/paintball/archery and the food is all laid on because frankly I’m not a martyr and I’ve got my own interests too - and life is too short to have to endure the torture of the tofu-mum softly saying “Julian darling. Julian. Julian. It’s not nice to dig holes in people’s dining tables with your cake fork. Julian. Julian. “.

Hooverphobe

😂

If you were so concerned about your son then why would you repeatedly let him go round to her house? Let alone for sleepovers.

Agree.

Have a look at your own parenting choices because I really would judge you in this situation.

You know its wrong yet you continue to allow your child be over there unsupervised 🤷🏻‍♀️

if there was a gentle way I could mention in conversation that I was not necessarily comfortable with the children being at home all day on their own

Well, no there isn't. So you either don't let your son go over there 'all day' or you risk ending the friendship anyway.

Im not quite as relaxed as your friend, but I do tend that way. And I have friends who have more your style, and one thing I have noticed is that their children are always the anxious ones. Would I say anything about it, of course not. Short of actual neglect it really is not my place.

Kids need routine rules and structure. Your friend sounds lazy in her parenting. Kids need fun too but 12 is too young for serial killer film's imo. And I wldnt be happy if my 12 Yr old was on sleepover and left on screens not good for them

Why do you feel that you should be telling her how to parent?

Most of your examples suggest you treat your 12 year old like a much younger child. Presumably that’s because of your son’s neurodiversity.

It’s worth recognising that people will do things differently to you. Your approach isn’t as mainstream as you imagine. The following strike me in that way:

• Most people are likely to think 8.30 is very early for bedtime for a secondary school aged child.
• A 12 year old popping to the local shop before school to get something is not in the least unusual (I have often sent my son for something and he’s bumped into several friends also picking up milk or whatever while there).
• The sleepover is misnamed. Very little sleep is the norm. Having to tell them to shut up at 3am is part of the horror of hosting one.
• Being able to sit and drink coffee is what most people want out of taking their kids to activities. Their kid goes on the trampolines, they get to sit in the cafe. That’s part of the value of the whole thing.

Other stuff you’ve posted is more where your choices are to limit how and when your DS spends time with his friend. You know he won’t be supervised while there, including in the morning after sleeping there (because the 18 year old who is ostensibly in charge isn’t going to do what you think the adult in charge should be doing), so have sleepovers at yours only. That kind of thing.

Sounds okay to me. Their home sounds nice.

At 12 the majority of those things I don’t see an issue with.

No child ever sleeps at a sleepover. Expecting a year 7/8 to be in bed at 8.30 is very early.

Being home alone as long as not over night is also normal at that age. Most kids coming home from high school will have parents at work.

At 12 they are doing activities that don’t have parental input, in fact mine wouldn’t be going on play dates with parents they arrange their own activities with their friends and travel there with their friends.

The only thing I would have an issue with is what they are watching.

I think that what you are describing is pretty standard for a 12yo having a sleepover or staying at friends.
Even though my parenting is much closer to yours, I’ve always been aware that most parents aren’t and would be closer to your friend. I mean even when WE had some sleepover, I struggled to have the dcs asleep. I remember a time when they had decided to pull an all nighter (at 10yo!!). I ended up sitting at the top of the stairs shushing them as if they were 3yo. They fell asleep at about 2.00am. At another house it would probably have been 4.00am or later!

Let it go.
Your ds is well supported at home and has the opportunity to learn that not everyone does the same thing. And it’s ok. One night going to bed really late isn’t going to hurt him.
re this friend texting late. Not an issue. Phone is downstairs and on silent right?

Fwiw there are probably things you do that your friends and/or other parents find horrifying. My oldest dc is now at Uni and is discovering the wide variation of behaviour eg in the kitchen (do you wash chicken or vegetables before cooking it? Do you cook at all, portion sizes, cleaning standards etc etc). I think what you’ve describing is part of that same wide range of ‘ways of parenting’. The best is to ignore when he is there’d do what you will find is best at home.

I don’t see the issue either. 8.30pm is very early for a 12yr old to go to bed. Apart from cycling to the corner shop at 8 onwards I had similar rules, though the leaving alone was just when I was working. DS left school with top A levels and is at Uni now. Never needed to have strict rules, he self regulated and that’s been very easy for him to transition to Uni as he’s very self motivated. None of my kids have got square eyes from too much screen. Both very well behaved kids. It’s a different parenting style to yours. If you’re not comfortable with it then just don’t have your son go over, have the boy to your house if you want the friendship to continue. I don’t see anything dangerous there

As 95% of posters have said, YABU. There are lots and lots of different healthy parenting styles. Disagreeing with others choices does not make you parent of the year and them lazy! Some could paint you as lazy for not hosting the sleepovers and controlling the aspects you want to control. Your options are to let it continue, host them yourself, or stop the sleepovers entirely. You cannot tell her how to parent.

To one PP... Quite a difference between a parent of a child with diabetes asking someone to monitor their child's diet and the parent of a 12 year old asking someone to put their child to bed at half 8 and take all screens off everyone in the room!

I love when these threads don't necessarily go OPs way they drip feed the "well I'm not NT" 2 - 3 pages in! Every time...