Post affair - should I be worried?

[Applecrumble55]

Will try to be brief - discovered just over a year ago that DH was having an affair. Someone he met through work but not colleagues so he doesn’t now see her. Affair lasted just under a year from what I know.

When I found out, he ended it with her, but only after I said I wanted to work on the marriage. I was determined to keep my family together, have 3 DC. All primary school age. Couldn’t bear the thought of splitting up our family, and he insisted he wanted to make it work.

I suspected he had strong feelings for the OW, but he denied denied denied. Promised to go NC. Block her on all channels. Which he did. The last year has been hard but I thought we were in a (reasonably) good place. Functioning, anyway.

But now I’ve found out he’s unblocked her on social media and messaging apps, they’re friends on an activity app (this may have been pre-discovery tbh as didn’t know about this before), and also has photos of her (nothing sexual) in a secret folder on his phone, that he obviously isn’t aware I know of. I don’t know exactly when he did this. I can’t see any evidence of any contact, interaction or messages.

I haven’t confronted him yet, I’m still processing and deciding what to do. If it’s worth upsetting the apple cart when he hasn’t contacted her?

I don’t know if he intends to, if he’s hoping she’ll contact him? It’s been so long, but maybe he misses her. If it meant nothing I don’t see why he would have done this after this amount of time. I suspect she has probably moved on, so is this him trying to hold onto some fantasy? He doesn’t seem to be acting on any residual feelings. If there are any.

In many ways our marriage has gone back to how it was after the crisis and panic died down. Him working all hours. Very little intimacy (I’ve struggled on that side for obvious reasons).

But generally things are ok and so just don’t know if I can face blowing all this up again.

Should I be worried about this? I don’t know what to do. What to think. If I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Or if it is just storing up trouble for the future by ignoring this. If I ask him he’ll no doubt just minimise it or tell me what I want to hear. Also if he knows I know he will re-block and I’m interested to know if he tries to start anything up again or she gets in touch so I have more definitive proof, but don’t know if that’s silly. So I guess objective viewpoints appreciated!

Didn't you already post about him contacting her over the running app before?

What is it you want people to tell you? You chose to stay in a broken marrage because you have three young kids and know you qon't be able to make it on your own. No shame in admitting that.

Why is it possible for you to see one part of your situation so clearly (being overwhelmed with 3 kids as a single mom), yet you shut your eyes completely to the reality of the other side of your situation, namely that he's checked out, is playing for time and you two only pushed the inevitable a bit further down the line?

This is the first time I’ve posted so I think you might be thinking of someone else 😕

OP, have you thought of the possibility that there are messages, but he is smart enough to delete and remove all evidence? Why else unblock if it wasn't to message her? I don't think you get notifications if someone unblocks you, so unless she was really pinning for him and checking her apps weekly to catch a glimse of him she wouldn't have known any different?

These pictures you found can you see when they were taken by her and sent to him? (I think sometimes photos have options to see details like creation date etc)You can check if they are old ones or new ones.

@EarthSwallowMeWhole yes I considered that but then I also would have thought he would have been smart enough to re block afterwards if that were the case. She may not have noticed but maybe he was hoping she’d message. As you said, I can’t see any reason to unblock. Which is why I’m confused.
i haven’t checked time stamp on photos that’s a good point.
I thought I was done being the marriage police! I guess I’ll have to bring it up at some point.

Perhaps Op you are afraid to face it again? I know that I avoid my past traumas ☹️
I think it will be very hard for you to close your eyes on it. It would have been for me.
After what he did he should never make you feel uncomfortable about her, yet he kept her pictures... from the outside, to me, it looks like just a matter of time 💐
Its all down to you but are you sure you not going to regret your time if you prolong it?
It is hard to do it on your own I understand that. Do you have family, friend support?
When I was in my "moment" I reached out, I needed someone to keep me strong, therapy saved me.

From my experience most men will contact their OW after it is all off. They struggle to do without the rush of it. They use all kinds of excuses - she had no one to talk to, blah blah. I know one who was giving money to help her " get on her feet". This is how it seems to go until they are busted again. A man who lies to his wife for a year has some feelings for an OW.

I think that confronting it will be very difficult for you and I understand why you don't want to do it. I think turning a blind eye would be some how even harder. You will spend the rest of your life questioning it, yourself and everything. I don't see how you could find happiness this way.
If you discuss it with him and find out what's going on you will know where you stand. If you don't you will continue to doubt and question everything and it will eat away at you.

I really feel for you OP. It sounds like you've been through so much heart ache. Have you had any counciling?

@peanutbutterontoast7 yes I had therapy for a while after D-day. It did help. I know what he’ll say if I confront him. So part of me almost wants definitive proof of contact before so I will be set on what I want to do. If nothing has restarted I’ll just doubt myself and question if I’ve made a big deal over nothing when I thought we’d made progress. If that makes sense.

also has photos of her (nothing sexual) in a secret folder on his phone

That would worry me more than sexual ones. Sexual is a wank bank, disgusting but no feelings. Hidden non-sexual, that's love.

I think the fact he's kept pictures etc you either have to make peace with the fact he's not fully faithful and truthful in his relationship to you and just carry on being unhappy but practically comfortable or make the break and face harder times but have the chance to be happy in yourself and find someone that truly respects and values you. That's only a decision you can make.

Sadly this is a very good point. He’s not half so bothered as you are about keeping your marriage together. He values looking at her social media over your feelings of hurt and betrayal. He isn’t someone I could stay married to.

He checked out the first time he had an affair for a year op. You need to make a decision confront and leave or stay and be looking over your shoulder.

Honestly OP, I say this as someone who could be the OW in your description (eerily similar), the feelings don't just go away after a year. If they had strong feelings for one another (which a year long affair suggests?) then that hasn't been dealt with. Just blocked and ignored.

@Bananarama21 I know, and in a way I know it seems like a small thing but it makes me question everything he said after I found out, that I obviously wanted to believe, wanted to believe there weren’t feelings, wanted to believe he was genuinely remorseful, and now this has changed things. But I guess I would just feel more justified if he had actually contacted her, or could see that he had. This feels like a bit of a grey area. He might just be missing her now the panic has died down but he’ll get over it. In which case I don’t want to blow everything up again after the work we’ve done, and it’s been hard. Or It’s just wishful thinking on my part and he was never entirely truthful about what it was.

OP I think you need to take a big big step back and look at this situation as if it were happening to someone else. How would you advise someone in this situation, objectively?

You have 2 choices,
Lie to yourself and carry on, thus avoiding trauma right now but ultimately leading you down a miserable, suspicious path.
Or leave him. Any man who is shitty enough to have an affair in the first place would get the boot but to be given a second chance and yet still keep a secret folder of photos of his OW is the lowest of the low and tells you all you need to know about how much he values your marriage.

I'd be devastated. Contact or no contact, the photos would be enough.

Why live your life like this?

From an outside view.

Wanting to work on the marriage but the Intimacy isn't there is going to send him the same signals that felt like he justified an affair. (It doesn't)

Have you been to counselling?

I don't think he's messaged her but probably reminiscing.

Hugs op. X

I could write a book on this and put a large bet on it still going on. Of course he is in contact with her, just carried on but more discreetly. He knew you wanted to keep the marriage, no consequencesfor him, therefore no incentive to stop what ever he's told you!

Had 2 years of this and like you much to lose. It broke me, all the lies, all the gaslighting and all the policing. Dday x 4, Sadly in a worse financial situation and diagnosed with PTSD. Should have thrown him and his begging crocodile tears out on day 1.

Have a friend, her husband did same and he has just celebrated 20 years with affair partner. My friend has never been the same since.

You need the truth, to have your own agency and not be sexually and emotionally abused by an entitled OH.

@Mamato3boysand2dogs he will probably say the photos were there from before and never deleted them. If I confront him he’ll delete them to prove something to me no doubt but I’ll still be questioning myself.
it’s exhausting. It seems like a small thing after so long but it does make me want to throw in the towel. But you know how it is. They always make you doubt yourself.

But you know how it is. They always make you doubt yourself.

That is how they get away with it! He needs to be totally transparent, ready to put the work in to reassure you.

Realistically, I think you have a binary choice. You can end this stale-but-functioning marriage, or you can stay and accept that he’ll have a discreet sidepiece and live your life as best you can.

The problem with the latter is that he may leave you when the children are grown or when he can’t stand the deception any more, whichever is sooner. You will not have a say in the timetable. He might even stay. Can you deal with the uncertainty?

I was the ow. My affair partner keeps contacting me

I think, with the most gentle and respectful way I can say this as someone who tried to forgive an affair, once you become the marriage police it’s already over. The trust is gone. Is there any point In continuing? I tried, and we kept going for a few years with me giving it the old “we are stronger for it, he ultimately chose me”, but I should have left after it happened. Men who love you don’t do this. Men who respect you don’t keep doing it. 💐

I feel for you OP. Actions speak louder than words. His actions (the secret photo file and unblocking OW on app) doesn’t suggest him being committed to making your marriage work. More importantly it’s showing total disregard for you yet again.

How many chances are you willing to give him?

Hard truth to hear but once a cheat, always a cheat in my opinion. If I found out my husband cheated on me there is no way I could stay with him, kids or no kids. The trust is gone and relationship broken...

Yes it's not love.

Whether it's love with the ow is debatable.
If you are young enough I would seriously consider divorce.

I would say he's still in contact, it may die down, but the illicitness of it now has probably enhanced their feelings, do others know? did you reveal his affair to friends and family ?

If it is still a secret to others then he has not suffered consequences sufficiently.

Get her picture and put it on his profile pic on whatsapp, that should blow the lid on his lovely personna.

I'm quite vindictive 😤