Post affair - should I be worried?

[Applecrumble55]

Will try to be brief - discovered just over a year ago that DH was having an affair. Someone he met through work but not colleagues so he doesn’t now see her. Affair lasted just under a year from what I know.

When I found out, he ended it with her, but only after I said I wanted to work on the marriage. I was determined to keep my family together, have 3 DC. All primary school age. Couldn’t bear the thought of splitting up our family, and he insisted he wanted to make it work.

I suspected he had strong feelings for the OW, but he denied denied denied. Promised to go NC. Block her on all channels. Which he did. The last year has been hard but I thought we were in a (reasonably) good place. Functioning, anyway.

But now I’ve found out he’s unblocked her on social media and messaging apps, they’re friends on an activity app (this may have been pre-discovery tbh as didn’t know about this before), and also has photos of her (nothing sexual) in a secret folder on his phone, that he obviously isn’t aware I know of. I don’t know exactly when he did this. I can’t see any evidence of any contact, interaction or messages.

I haven’t confronted him yet, I’m still processing and deciding what to do. If it’s worth upsetting the apple cart when he hasn’t contacted her?

I don’t know if he intends to, if he’s hoping she’ll contact him? It’s been so long, but maybe he misses her. If it meant nothing I don’t see why he would have done this after this amount of time. I suspect she has probably moved on, so is this him trying to hold onto some fantasy? He doesn’t seem to be acting on any residual feelings. If there are any.

In many ways our marriage has gone back to how it was after the crisis and panic died down. Him working all hours. Very little intimacy (I’ve struggled on that side for obvious reasons).

But generally things are ok and so just don’t know if I can face blowing all this up again.

Should I be worried about this? I don’t know what to do. What to think. If I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Or if it is just storing up trouble for the future by ignoring this. If I ask him he’ll no doubt just minimise it or tell me what I want to hear. Also if he knows I know he will re-block and I’m interested to know if he tries to start anything up again or she gets in touch so I have more definitive proof, but don’t know if that’s silly. So I guess objective viewpoints appreciated!

He doesn’t really sound that invested in working on your marriage, having secret photos of his AP on his phone and unblocking her on SM highlight that perfectly. He unblocked her because they are either messaging each other, or he’s hoping she will reach out to him. These aren’t the actions of someone who is truly remorseful. I agree with a PP who said the inevitable has been delayed, nothing else.
You also said he only ended it with OW after you expressed a desire to work in your marriage. Did he not end it because you found out and he was desperate to win you back. You have 3 young children, you sound in turmoil. I think you need to look at all your options, unpleasant though they may be. Living with someone who isn’t fully invested in you and your marriage is soul destroying and although it’s a much used cliche but in this case it’s also true- you deserve much better

@Applecrumble55 your thread perfectly (if that's the right word) shows why betrayal is abusive and why people need to think about what they're actually doing when they enter into an affair.
You're questioning yourself, you're exhausting yourself, you're playing through all possible scenarios, your brain is preoccupied with what he might be doing. All the while, you have DC, and you're entitled to live a happy life, free from worrying about what he might or might not be doing.
I really feel for you. No amount of people telling you to concentrate on yourself will solve this. You want definitive answers, don't you?
The only thing you can do is to confront him. If you suspect he won't be honest then how do you know if he's actually being honest IYSWIM?
You're in an impossible position.
Do you have a trusted male relative or friend who you could ask to talk to him to see what's going on?

I think it’s time to be honest with yourself, even if it was going on again, would you actually leave. Or just take it again. You’re panicked it is, but if deep down you know you will stay then you’re thinking what’s the point?

a year long relationship is often an important one, it didn’t end naturally it ended as he wanted to keep the family unit there. Not because it didn’t work for them.

I think it’s time to be honest, think of worst case, even if he is, would you really leave?

@Anniefrenchfry if I knew they were definitely back in touch I would end it. If he is just missing her, that’s what I’m struggling with. I’m not naive enough to assume there were no feelings but it’s more he lied to the extent of those feelings maybe, and the reconciliation was based on lies.
This is why I’m partly tempted to wait and see if there is further proof of contact.
if he was in love with her I guess our marriage is unsalvageable but he would never admit to it.

Why would he never admit to being in love with her?
If you asked him and he said that he wasn't in love with her, how could you tell if he was speaking the truth or not?
Does he have any 'tells'?

Because if he was the that would’ve be the end of our marriage like I really don’t see any way back from that. But maybe it’s all just semantics.
he is a bad liar but very good at dodging questions and obfuscating. And also I wanted to believe he wasn’t at the time.
would make sense he did if he is still thinking of her after all this time.

It doesn't sound like your marriage is in a healthy state at the moment, even before you found the unblocking. You're right in the middle of this, it's your day to day life, so it must be so difficult to take a step back and decide what you want to do, for you and for your future. If you're not happy though, if he's not putting in the effort, if you're living with the worry of if or when he'll do this again, is it really worth keeping your marriage going?

Did you really BOTH work hard at repairing the marriage? It's only been a year and it sounds like it's all over for him when he should still be doing his utmost to make you feel loved and respected.

he has checked out OP, i would be getting my ducks in a row and taking control back in your life if I were you.

He will go at some point, he clearly loves her.

I also would never have forgiven him after the first time - hes having the best of both worlds here

You’re probably right 😞 seems to me like the photos aren’t recent - but probably saved from her social media before he blocked her originally when I found out.
still no evidence of any contact.

You know the answers.

that was hard to read...however i have zero tolerance to cheats ( my dad cheated on my mum and subsequently left her and us) He hasnt been honest, your scrabbling around for scraps. Him being back in touch with her would end it for you? However him cheating in the first place and you finding out should have led to him showing you absolute loyalty, was shameful and begged for forgiveness and allowed you free access to his phone and treated you like a queen

Even if he isn’t messaging her some of his thoughts and energy are being diverted from the marriage when he thinks about her, looks at her photos and social media.
OP you deserve a whole husband.

He said he wanted to stay together.

The absolute minimum he could do was not unblock her after having done so previously.

He couldn't even do the absolute minimum.

It's over I'm afraid OP, you deserve more than a half life worrying about what he's up to and unfortunately he not only broke your trust with the affair, he has reiterated how disloyal he is by unblocking her.

Ducks in a row time - you tried your best and he's fucked it all up, not you

I think if there is very little intimacy as you say then your marriage is in a very unstable place I'm not sure about the ow or what to do but i think you are being very unrealistic If you think you are in a good place because your husband will not see it this way. Having said that if my dh had an affair for a year I wouldn't want intimacy with him either !!

@monsteramunch yeah I totally get what you’re saying. On one hand it feels so minor but on other, so huge. It’s what it represents I guess.
and yes clearly even if it’s only in a small way, she is still on his mind. So I guess it’s only a matter of time before it escalates.
I spoke to a solicitor before so I know what my position is legally. I just could never press the button.

I have been on both sides my ex husband had an affair. I have also been the OW when I was single. I would never trust my ex husband again couldn't live like that. The man I had an affair with was a multiple cheater. His wife only knew about 1 previous affair. She puts up with it and he will no doubt fuck around again. She is depenent on him. You have to make your choice and live with it. It's not easy stay or go.

@Applecrumble55 do you want to spend the rest of your life policing this man and not being able to believe anything he says? Men who cheat are very adept at hiding it at times - I knew a guy who had photos of places he would allegedly be at and then send them to his wife to prove where he was when he wasn't!

The relationship was at least a year. Think back to the first year of your relationship with your H. It was full of fun, sex, etc etc. Imagine if it then ended when you didn’t want it too. That’s your H. It’s like teenage love. You don’t just forget it and go back to your sensible stable marriage. I’m sorry OP, I’ve been there, my EX h had an affair. When I found out he was like a love sick puppy it was pathetic. He cried and told me you can’t just stop loving someone. Eventually I kicked him out. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was making me ill. He thought he was in an opera. So OP really think about it do you think the relationship ended ?

He could very possibly still be seeing her;he managed it secretly for an entire year.He might have even stopped when you found out but has drifted back towards her.

I really feel for you OP

And while he (and maybe some other people) will say 'it's only unblocking, you can't end it for that' etc, the fact is that all he had to do to keep your trust was keep someone he had an affair with blocked.

He couldn't even do that.

The absolute bare minimum.

Which means he isn't trustworthy and being in a relationship with someone who isn't able to prioritise you over unblocking someone they've had an affair with, will drive you absolutely bonkers.

He'd rather stay with you and keep his options open when it comes to her (even if he didn't ever act on it again) than stay with you and decisively cut the cord with her for the sake of your relationship and mental wellbeing.

He isn't able or willing to do what he needs to do to salvage this relationship I'm afraid OP, sorry.

There are many more ways to be inventive of where you are, location changing apps, leaving one phone at one location and call forwarding to another, or your i watch.

Technology is contantly improving and changing, it's just not possible to monitor someone fully if they wish to lie.

The only protection you can give yourself is to stay away from the liar.
You do not want lies in your life, no one does.

The irony I've found though, is liars themselves hate liars and lies.
Funny that 🤔

Yes, hurts like fuckery this even if they don't admit it, seeing them skulking arround.

Don't worry though op, if you do dump him, it will bring thoughts of you into the forefront, especially if you take him to the cleaners.

That usually wakes them up from LaLa land.
I call it the age of enlightenment.

OP, you mentioned about not re-blocking her again after messaging. I'm not sure what platform you're referring to, but on some you can't instantly block and unblock and then reblock again. I think it varies but on some you have to wait 48 hours before being able to block someone again once you've unblocked them. So it's possible this might explain it?

Or, I think it's probably the fact that he thinks the worst of it has blown over and that you're unlikely to go delving into his settings unless you found messages on his phone first..... He's gotten complacent and feels secure again that you're not going to leave him.

As others have said, he's clearly got feelings for her - non-sexual photos are weirdly worse than revealing photos. He's either contacting her behind your back, planning on contacting her, or else just enjoying being able to look through her social media and pine, which he wouldn't be able to do if she was blocked....

What you do depends on how badly you want to stay together to help you manage your life on a practical level. As long as you have your eyes open, there's nothing wrong with staying if that helps you. Obviously, most of us would be screaming at you to leave, because he seems like a shit bag and you deserve so, so much more. But in reality, things are more complicated, and children, custody, finances, housing, childcare etc can all make it preferable to stay. Absolutely your call - but keep digging so you know exactly what the real state of play is so you can make an informed choice. I'm sorry this is all happening to you again after you'd tried to hard to make it work.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you - yep I know for some sites you have to wait for two days but things like WhatsApp you can reblock straight away.
the social media thing is strange even if he’s just using it to pine, if he has photos saved. Maybe he even wants her to notice. And yes I agree the non sexual photos are worse.
I guess it’s a case of better the devil you know, so hard to choose uncertainty by splitting up, but I guess staying together is just uncertainty of a different kind at this point!