Post affair - should I be worried?

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Will try to be brief - discovered just over a year ago that DH was having an affair. Someone he met through work but not colleagues so he doesn’t now see her. Affair lasted just under a year from what I know.

When I found out, he ended it with her, but only after I said I wanted to work on the marriage. I was determined to keep my family together, have 3 DC. All primary school age. Couldn’t bear the thought of splitting up our family, and he insisted he wanted to make it work.

I suspected he had strong feelings for the OW, but he denied denied denied. Promised to go NC. Block her on all channels. Which he did. The last year has been hard but I thought we were in a (reasonably) good place. Functioning, anyway.

But now I’ve found out he’s unblocked her on social media and messaging apps, they’re friends on an activity app (this may have been pre-discovery tbh as didn’t know about this before), and also has photos of her (nothing sexual) in a secret folder on his phone, that he obviously isn’t aware I know of. I don’t know exactly when he did this. I can’t see any evidence of any contact, interaction or messages.

I haven’t confronted him yet, I’m still processing and deciding what to do. If it’s worth upsetting the apple cart when he hasn’t contacted her?

I don’t know if he intends to, if he’s hoping she’ll contact him? It’s been so long, but maybe he misses her. If it meant nothing I don’t see why he would have done this after this amount of time. I suspect she has probably moved on, so is this him trying to hold onto some fantasy? He doesn’t seem to be acting on any residual feelings. If there are any.

In many ways our marriage has gone back to how it was after the crisis and panic died down. Him working all hours. Very little intimacy (I’ve struggled on that side for obvious reasons).

But generally things are ok and so just don’t know if I can face blowing all this up again.

Should I be worried about this? I don’t know what to do. What to think. If I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Or if it is just storing up trouble for the future by ignoring this. If I ask him he’ll no doubt just minimise it or tell me what I want to hear. Also if he knows I know he will re-block and I’m interested to know if he tries to start anything up again or she gets in touch so I have more definitive proof, but don’t know if that’s silly. So I guess objective viewpoints appreciated!

First of all, I would have left him, but I understand why you didn’t. Still, reading your post I have been thinking I would almost feel better if the photos he saved of her were of a sexual nature: that would mean he used them to pleasure himself, remember “good times”, and so on. Saved pictures of non sexual nature definitely suggest there were feelings in that affair, to me. As you say, hard to come back from that.

when you describe your current situation it doesn’t look like that you managed to reignite the feelings between you two (understandably), so I don’t know if the marriage has been saved or if it’s just running on fumes until your children are older. It looks like the latter, and whatever your decision may be, you probably should be prepared for the marriage to end.

@Nyna yes I think maybe initially there was this backlash or ‘I’m going to keep my family together whatever happens’ kind of crisis without stopping to think of what was there before is worth saving.
I almost think it would be worse for the kids when they’re older.

my ap used to block an unblock e on sm

So what’s your plan then?
You have been given lots of advice on this thread, but still seem to think he’s not in contact with the AP

From personal experience...my ex hubby carried on affair after we got back together...denied it and told me I was going crazy. Like you I wanted to keep family together so ignored all the signs. When I found out the truth asked him to leave. So much happier without him. You will survive with or without him but don't stay if you are unhappy. Xx

Remember he chose to marry you as you were the best catch. He chose to have kids. These were the things he was striving for to achieve in life. So when an immature man with kids has feelings, they are usually just in his pants. 99% of affairs amount up to a big huge nothing. They are a fantasy and not based in reality. The hot aspect of it fizzles out to a deadbeat boring moan.

I don't know but this whole thing of consequences is very immature to me. Ditching him to be happy etc, it's poorly thought out advice. In so doing we priorities our own happiness and not our children's. Is it in your interest to have your children spend time with a morally low scumbag? Because they would get to be taken away from you every second weekend to their evil morally low STI infested step-mummy, when their own mummy is a stunner and a clever girl. The next thing she may be after your teenage sons.

This is a poorly thought out crush that is only a crush because she tickles his ego. It's a bit of escapism, but I bet on attractiveness level you would punch just as high, or probably higher as he chose you out of everyone to marry AND have kids with.

Think. Wisdom. Insist on transparency, remind him his own life is of his own choosing. Comment on how other men seem to have it 'so together', how well focused they are on their family. Little men don't like the latter. It sends them into a spin. Say how you love these men's maturity, how attractive it is when they know what they want and they just go for it and invest into their future (ie kids, family). How well thought out that is.

And should it ever come to transpire that they have shared a few germs or bacteria per se, do remember to play it down and tell the OW that for men it's just physical. Yep, this one did wonders for me. The OW wrote back and told me how in love they were. Well, I replied that maybe in her geriatric emotional state she was taken for a full, but the proof is in the pudding, she wanted him all and for him it was just a bit of something and nothing. Yrs later we are still married, he has matured and snapped out of stupidity and tell you what, we have frank and honest conversations and a better marriage. Would I have ever wanted my emotionally intelligent kids to be spending time with evil step mummy. Nah ah ah. Never. Punish them for their daddy's thickness. No way. He's a super dad btw. He knows he has gone as low as you go. It's not magnificent, but then no marriage is, otherwise we would not be meeting each other on these forums.

Good luck:)

I’m so sorry op that you’re in such an awful position.

What work did he actually do to ‘win’ you back? Was it just blocking her? Did you discuss any issues you as a couple had before the affair? (I’m not blaming you by the way, there’s never an excuse for an affair, but some people might say communication had broken down or some other excuse)

If I can use an analogy it’s like when someone has a useless, lazy husband who does nothing around the house and no childcare. The marriage reaches crisis point, they go to counselling, he makes a few efforts to change the situation but a year later things have reverted to how they were.

At some point you need to make a decision and if things have been this bad for years it would be better for your mental health to just leave. You must be in a constant state of anxiety trying to guess his feelings and it’s not right that someone has an affair and you get to suffer the subsequent poor mental health. What has he done to address things and to reassure you and make you happy? It doesn’t sound like he’s done enough.

@stealthninjamum so I noticed a while ago. I still haven’t said anything. I can’t see any evidence of any communication and she was blocked again last time I checked on some things (not all). I don’t think they are seeing each other but it probably speaks volumes about his actual commitment to me and the marriage.

I think in all honesty he just doesn’t love me. Nearly a year on and he is still distracted, working all hours, feel like he is avoiding me. If I express concern or insecurity he says ‘he is staying’ so I shouldn’t be worried. But I guess the impression is it’s more a practical decision than out of love. Like a duty thing rather than true desire. He seems almost resentful of things at times but I don’t know if I’m just being hyper sensitive.

I don’t want to blow things up before Xmas and tbh I just don’t feel like I can cope with huge upheaval right now. But my gut feeling is this won’t get better and I’ll have to have a serious think over the next few months and get my head around potentially splitting up.

thanks for your support.

He is so arrogant telling you not to worry that he is staying. No thought or care as to your feelings or what you might want or need from him. Honestly I think you are better of without him but appreciate that is very easy for me to say.

Stay strong and remember your worth OP.

What an entitled shit he is.

Sounds like he is staying because of the kids and to keep the family together. Is that the way to live? Absolutely not.

He cheated, you will never trust him again, no matter how much you try to repair your marriage. People also want what they can't have. Even if he hasn't contacted her, he obviously misses her or longs for her. The fact that he has a secret folder with photos of her is very strange.

I appreciate that divorce is a huge thing, but you CAN go it alone. Your self-esteem will spiral if you stay with this man. Your kids deserve to have happy parents, even if it means they are not together.