Post affair - should I be worried?

[Applecrumble55]

Will try to be brief - discovered just over a year ago that DH was having an affair. Someone he met through work but not colleagues so he doesn’t now see her. Affair lasted just under a year from what I know.

When I found out, he ended it with her, but only after I said I wanted to work on the marriage. I was determined to keep my family together, have 3 DC. All primary school age. Couldn’t bear the thought of splitting up our family, and he insisted he wanted to make it work.

I suspected he had strong feelings for the OW, but he denied denied denied. Promised to go NC. Block her on all channels. Which he did. The last year has been hard but I thought we were in a (reasonably) good place. Functioning, anyway.

But now I’ve found out he’s unblocked her on social media and messaging apps, they’re friends on an activity app (this may have been pre-discovery tbh as didn’t know about this before), and also has photos of her (nothing sexual) in a secret folder on his phone, that he obviously isn’t aware I know of. I don’t know exactly when he did this. I can’t see any evidence of any contact, interaction or messages.

I haven’t confronted him yet, I’m still processing and deciding what to do. If it’s worth upsetting the apple cart when he hasn’t contacted her?

I don’t know if he intends to, if he’s hoping she’ll contact him? It’s been so long, but maybe he misses her. If it meant nothing I don’t see why he would have done this after this amount of time. I suspect she has probably moved on, so is this him trying to hold onto some fantasy? He doesn’t seem to be acting on any residual feelings. If there are any.

In many ways our marriage has gone back to how it was after the crisis and panic died down. Him working all hours. Very little intimacy (I’ve struggled on that side for obvious reasons).

But generally things are ok and so just don’t know if I can face blowing all this up again.

Should I be worried about this? I don’t know what to do. What to think. If I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Or if it is just storing up trouble for the future by ignoring this. If I ask him he’ll no doubt just minimise it or tell me what I want to hear. Also if he knows I know he will re-block and I’m interested to know if he tries to start anything up again or she gets in touch so I have more definitive proof, but don’t know if that’s silly. So I guess objective viewpoints appreciated!

@ViolinPin family yes, friends, no. Although they may suspect. We have a lot of mutual friends we’ve known for a long time and didn’t want to make them feel they had to take sides. Especially as we decided to work on it.

maybe he is just getting off on the thrill of having a ‘secret’ again even if no contact. Seems weird though.

Is it an iphone that he has?

Should I be worried about this?

Absolutely and this is the thing with cheaters, you'll always be concerned and worried because you'll never know what's going on you don't know about. They destroy your trust pretty much for life.
He's done it once now and got away with it because you let him. No repercussions for him. So no doubt he'll do it again.

As someone who's been there multiple times, it's not worth spending the rest of your life stressed about where he is, what he's doing when late from work or working away, who he's messaging etc.... I wasted my whole life letting my ex get away with it. My whole life. This last and final time happened about 18 years after the last one I knew about (no doubt there have been more I didn't). I should have left after the first time instead of trying to keep the family together. I never fully recovered from the first time he did it. Never fully trusted. And with good reason it seems but now I've wasted my whole life. I'll never trust another soul.

@PixelatedLunchbox yep, why?

I have a slightly different view to the other posters.

In order for affairs to happen the cheat often creates a star crossed lovers scenario, particularly when their normal moral code would not engage in cheating. The cognitive dissonance is real and the limerance and feel good chemicals make it almost addictive.

When they're found out, if regretful, they protect their sense of self by holding onto this false image of the affair. Moving from this state to remorse is HARD because hitting remorse involves really looking at what they have put their spouse/partner and family through, and really delving deep into why they behaved so appallingly (many would say abusively now). So many cheats stay at regretful.

It's selfish and entitled and what got them into the affair in the first place.

Reaching remorse involves work and there needs to be clear actions behind it. Transparency, open communication and zero contact with the AP (including holding onto momentoes/ SM accounts etc are key). Your husband is failing on these.

My husband and I are reconciled but it was not plain sailing and he was not remorseful for months after the affair. This is (I've since found out) more common than not, although it was painful at the time. I can recommend reading 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair' watching videos on affair recovery and reading reconciliation threads on the surviving infidelity form.

This will help you set clear boundaries for reconciliation moving forward IF that's what you choose to do after another massive betrayal on his part.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Interested in this as I was too .... just contacted me after 6 weeks

Op I was a OW but this was after I found out my partner was having an affair two wrongs don't make a right !!! But we couldn't get through it .. trust had gone

I think if it had been a shorter amount of time it might have been easier in a way. But a year later is a long time to be thinking of her still, if that’s what this is.

I agree, it is a LONG time to be stuck just feeling regretful but only you know how much you've both discussed the affair or whether you've rugswept in order to hold your family together, understandable but can lead to false reconciliation.

Recovery from affairs is so so hard, you've been through such a trauma. But everything you're writing makes me think he just doesn't get that, or doesn't want to get that.

The resources I've pointed you too will help you unpick all of this and give you the confidence to speak to your husband about it and find a way forward. Whatever that might be.

@Applecrumble55 did the affair last a year or finished a year ago ?

@brunettegal both!

Not sure I could stay I didn't ..... you will never forgive

Easy way to determine if he's communicating with her and deleting messages: check how much time he spends on various apps vs the number of messages in the apps. Under Settings, Screen time.

Maybe the folder of photos is old and he's forgotten about it. I'd delete it.

Oh mate. My heart bleeds for you. He's a twat.

I’m probably not the best person to reply to this, as after finding out about my STBXH’s affair, he was out of the house within 20 mins, but I do wonder how you are so convinced they haven’t been been texting/ WhatsApp etc??
He could block and unblock every day!

🙄

Curious as to why you are so convinced he's not in contact or seeing her still. Photos on phone suggest ongoing or unfinished business with OW.

I'm so sorry. Whole situation is shit. Do you rock the boat or not by saying anything dilemma. To keep quiet makes you feel your life is lacking authenticity and eats away at you (hence your post) but to try to discuss if he has gaslighted you into a false reconciliation opens the whole drama up again. However, if neither of you have reconciled enough to be able to discuss the affair openly, it suggests massive rug sweeping has gone on and that is merely putting a large plaster over a gaping wound....that is now festering.

I'm so sorry.

Not nice to put this

@Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit i mean I don’t know for sure if he has or not, but I would have thought if he’d been messaging her he would have at least had the presence of mind to then reblock, but then maybe he just forgot on this occasion.

I’m sorry op but your marriage doesn’t sound great anyway. Please think about yourself and if as the marriage stands it meets your needs.
You will have more peace getting rid of him. Do not sacrifice yourself for your children and the idea that it will ruin them if you separate. They will be ok. One I two marriages end in divorce. Start telling your family - it’s no way to live and really why do we put up with this shit.

🙄

@Seeinglightthroughallhisbullshit and yes I agree the photo thing is strange - I kind of think if he was seeing her he’d have less need for photos? Like to me this says ‘missing her’ and that feels pretty devastating to say the least.

How you describe your marriage now doesn’t sound great op. You say he’s working a lot and there’s no intimacy.
this doesn’t sound like a good situation for either of you. Couldn’t he be seeing her when he’s supposed to be working?
when did he see her before, what did you think he was doing when he was with her?

Yes, it could be he's become complacent, not assuming you will be bothered to look after a year or merely was expecting/ hoping for a speedy response from her. Do you have open access to his phone as in the passcode? You could look in deleted items. On FB messenger you can view when you blocked someone, same as Whats App if you put the tel number in. I'm not very savvy with iphone as an Android girl.

Caught mine with a car tracker and secret recorder in house as his iphone totally locked down. It was a relief to know tbh as felt I was going mad after he got better at hiding ongoing affair whilst gaslighting/stonewalling to max making me feel like you do about bringing topic up when his performance as perfect husband would have garnered an oscar. I certainly wanted to know my reality and didn't want to flog a dead horse for a minute longer.

For all those who claim breach of privacy etc etc. I would put to them that compromising a person's sexual health and their right to sexual consent with full disclosure or denying personal agency to make informed choices to live an authentic life is a far worse infringement.

Your marriage is already over. You're just delaying the inevitable.