Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Non-parents dating parents

117 replies

WhiteChocMocha · 17/10/2022 10:41

I don't really need advice as not much can be done, but maybe hear from someone who's been there and how they got through. Basically, due to schedules, me and my SO just don't get a lot of time together.

Seeing a single dad with a demanding job and primary age DC - he has 50/50 childcare but in reality does more like 60%. He's a very involved parent and has proper quality time with DC, which is something I really like about him. We both have full-on jobs - he works looong days and I'm away a lot with mine.

We aren't out to his DC and won't be for a while. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I don't think it's fair to come into a child's life without having decided there's a long-term future. For me, I can't decide that before having been with someone 1-2 years. His view is similar, we have talked about it openly.

With all that and other life commitments as well, we get max 2 mornings a week when we can potentially see each other. However, if I'm away for the week, or his DC is ill, or anything else, that week's out - and it happens quite often.

We're really happy when we're together, just smiling non-stop and talk every day, I've never felt so supported by a guy and he really cares about my mundane daily life. I really fancy him and want to see this out, we've known each other a while too.

It's just that with current schedules and life events, we've recently been seeing each other every 3 weeks. I've just found out that I won't see him for another 2 weeks now as I'm working away and... I'm just devastated, I miss him so much in between.

Inevitably because I'm not a parent, even when I stay busy etc, I have more time in my hands to miss him. When he's had a long day and he tells me about how he's feeling, I just wish I could be by his side. It's tough.

I'm guessing it's a common issue for parents that work full-time, probably even more so if both people have little ones. How have you gotten through those initial months/ years of dating when DCs and work have to come first and making time for a relationship is a big challenge?

OP posts:
zonky · 14/04/2023 13:48

Not shaming single mums or dads, just that your responsibility is towards your child/dren and yes that comes at a cost to your sex life..but I'm sure some of these posters will be back in few years complaining how their relationship broke down 🙄...

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:49

Lilithslove · 14/04/2023 13:48

The same could be said for the desire to have children....

Show quote history

Correct!

Blsp · 14/04/2023 13:53

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:48

Not shaming single mums or dads, just that your responsibility is towards your child/dren and yes that comes at a cost to your sex life..but I'm sure some of these posters will be back in few years complaining how their relationship broke down 🙄...

It's completely disingenuous of you to pretend it's all about sex life.

And actually, your responses throughout this entire thread are an attempt to shame single mothers for wanting a relationship.

Shapemyeyebrows · 14/04/2023 14:01

@WhiteChocMocha only you know what things are like in real life but from an outsiders view, it sounds like he likes having you there when he doesn’t have his kids and then is distant/absent when he has his kids. I get the vibe you are very much more invested in this than he is. He has someone he likes there to fill his time when he doesn’t have his kids who is willing to accept so little investment from him.

MaxTalk · 14/04/2023 14:01

Step parenting of course can work but it is no doubt trickier. A lot comes down to the attitudes of all, not least the kids...

Personally my kids come first above anyone and anything so if they aren't happy, I would forget it/dump my partner.

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 14:05

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:48

Not shaming single mums or dads, just that your responsibility is towards your child/dren and yes that comes at a cost to your sex life..but I'm sure some of these posters will be back in few years complaining how their relationship broke down 🙄...

What the relationship with the other parent? Or their subsequent relationship.

Relationships breaking down isn’t always a failing, it’s just part of life’s course. It doesn’t always have to negatively impact the kids…
what’s your point?

By your logic people just shouldn’t have kids?

do you have kids or are you just here on what is primarily a parenting site to remind people of their selfish decision to reproduce?

zonky · 14/04/2023 14:08

Blsp · 14/04/2023 13:53

It's completely disingenuous of you to pretend it's all about sex life.

And actually, your responses throughout this entire thread are an attempt to shame single mothers for wanting a relationship.

Show quote history

Not at all. It must have touched a nerve with you? Relationships when you have children involved who have already most likely gone through the trauma of the parents divorcing and are now subjected to more adults they didn't ask for in their life (literally in their home) is the point I was making.

zonky · 14/04/2023 14:10

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 14:05

What the relationship with the other parent? Or their subsequent relationship.

Relationships breaking down isn’t always a failing, it’s just part of life’s course. It doesn’t always have to negatively impact the kids…
what’s your point?

By your logic people just shouldn’t have kids?

do you have kids or are you just here on what is primarily a parenting site to remind people of their selfish decision to reproduce?

Show quote history

Subsequent relationships, I thought that was clear?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 14:15

zonky · 14/04/2023 14:10

Subsequent relationships, I thought that was clear?

Show quote history

Well no, as the only cause of blended families is broken ones.

ACynicalDad · 14/04/2023 14:15

I get walking into your parent's room and seeing a different partner each week would be bad, but if you've been together a few months I don't think that's a problem particularly if you weren't the other person that led to a break up. You need to check the relationship works but I also think you need to see if you fit in the family, even if you adore each other if the family doesn't work I think you need to step back, so get on with trying it all.

Blsp · 14/04/2023 14:18

zonky · 14/04/2023 14:08

Not at all. It must have touched a nerve with you? Relationships when you have children involved who have already most likely gone through the trauma of the parents divorcing and are now subjected to more adults they didn't ask for in their life (literally in their home) is the point I was making.

Show quote history

Yeah you have touched a nerve actually. You know fine well you've been attempting to shame. And someone who comes here with the intention of shaming mothers whose relationship with the father of their kids has broken down for whatever reason, is going to touch a nerve with me.

Single Mums only had the bad luck to have a child with someone who turned out not to be right for them. That's all. They are perfectly within their rights to want and pursue a loving, live in relationship, there is nothing wrong with that at all. It's a perfectly natural thing to want. And you are here trying to shame them for it.

zonky · 14/04/2023 14:20

Blsp · 14/04/2023 14:18

Yeah you have touched a nerve actually. You know fine well you've been attempting to shame. And someone who comes here with the intention of shaming mothers whose relationship with the father of their kids has broken down for whatever reason, is going to touch a nerve with me.

Single Mums only had the bad luck to have a child with someone who turned out not to be right for them. That's all. They are perfectly within their rights to want and pursue a loving, live in relationship, there is nothing wrong with that at all. It's a perfectly natural thing to want. And you are here trying to shame them for it.

Show quote history

Absolutely not. Wanting another live-in relationship is a risky business, wouldn't you agree? And again, since you can't guarantee that it will be loving, maybe take a lot of caution. That's all. Perfectly possible to have a relationship away from your children, but it takes work.

Heroicallyfound · 15/04/2023 21:23

@zonky by your argument you should break up with your partner so your children don’t get damaged by you having a sex life. You clearly can’t guarantee your partner isn’t going to change and become abusive 🙄

sladys · 15/04/2023 21:35

However, I know this man for years and years, and we’ve been ‘best friends’ for a lot of that time, including lots of in-person

How did you manage to spend lots of time together in-person before you got together but don't now?

Original poster
WhiteChocMocha · 27/04/2023 00:21

sladys · 15/04/2023 21:35

However, I know this man for years and years, and we’ve been ‘best friends’ for a lot of that time, including lots of in-person

How did you manage to spend lots of time together in-person before you got together but don't now?

@sladys We used to live in the same city and work in the same office building, take lunch together every day Mon-Fri for a long time.

What’s caused the disconnect is me moving to another city with job.

OP posts:
Whatwasthatshow · 19/02/2024 20:05

Did it work out @WhiteChocMocha ? X

Original poster
WhiteChocMocha · 19/02/2024 20:16

Whatwasthatshow · 19/02/2024 20:05

Did it work out @WhiteChocMocha ? X

Oh I’d forgotten about this old thread!

Yes funny enough it sort of did, thanks for asking 😊

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page