Non-parents dating parents

[WhiteChocMocha]

I don't really need advice as not much can be done, but maybe hear from someone who's been there and how they got through. Basically, due to schedules, me and my SO just don't get a lot of time together.

Seeing a single dad with a demanding job and primary age DC - he has 50/50 childcare but in reality does more like 60%. He's a very involved parent and has proper quality time with DC, which is something I really like about him. We both have full-on jobs - he works looong days and I'm away a lot with mine.

We aren't out to his DC and won't be for a while. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I don't think it's fair to come into a child's life without having decided there's a long-term future. For me, I can't decide that before having been with someone 1-2 years. His view is similar, we have talked about it openly.

With all that and other life commitments as well, we get max 2 mornings a week when we can potentially see each other. However, if I'm away for the week, or his DC is ill, or anything else, that week's out - and it happens quite often.

We're really happy when we're together, just smiling non-stop and talk every day, I've never felt so supported by a guy and he really cares about my mundane daily life. I really fancy him and want to see this out, we've known each other a while too.

It's just that with current schedules and life events, we've recently been seeing each other every 3 weeks. I've just found out that I won't see him for another 2 weeks now as I'm working away and... I'm just devastated, I miss him so much in between.

Inevitably because I'm not a parent, even when I stay busy etc, I have more time in my hands to miss him. When he's had a long day and he tells me about how he's feeling, I just wish I could be by his side. It's tough.

I'm guessing it's a common issue for parents that work full-time, probably even more so if both people have little ones. How have you gotten through those initial months/ years of dating when DCs and work have to come first and making time for a relationship is a big challenge?

Pretty fucking horrible thing to say. I wouldn't say it was especially true either.

All the best OP, I hope it all works out for you.

Hugs 🤗 I know it can be tough

Thanks for sticking up for me @Blsp. In life you make choices and having kids, your own or your DP’s, in your life means they’ll play a big part. Most people do it somehow so I don’t see why I’d collapse under the burden, especially if I’ve mulled over it (possibly far too long based on some of the comments 😂)

Mulling over it and having a visceral experience of something are two very different things. You ought to visit the site parenting board and see the reality of most step parenting. It's rather awful.

I'm a solo parent by choice so slightly different circumstances.

It's not just a question of time, although that is a big consideration, it's also about trying to envisage this person in my child 's life. Taking on another person is a risk, even though they may not be a "step parent" they may end up over time having some sort of influence over the the child. And if the relationship ends, the child may end up getting very distressed as they get used to and familiar with the other adult.

Where would the relationship be ultimately going? I wouldn't want to cohabit with someone while I'm raising my child as their home is their safe haven, and me having a romantic life is something they didn't ask for and to impose that on them is a risk.

It's difficult to see these fears in a visceral sense yes intellectually but not emotionally (I spent most of my adult life being childless) but now that I have my own, the idea of someone being in my home who they didn't ask to have in their home is worrisome.

A lot of people move partners in and some of these relationships work out some not - the step parenting board makes for an interesting read. As the childfree person if your relationship doesn't work out, you don't have to deal with the fall out of it for the children, you just walk away.. it's very different.

It's not the reality of most step parenting though is it. It's the reality of those people who need to write about it, vent and ask for advice online. It's a skewed view. The happy and content ones don't ask for advice online. And people who have had a hard situation they want to talk about won't be focusing on any of the good stuff.

I am a step parent, my sister is, i have loads of friends who are. No one i know in real life finds it anywhere near as difficult as that parenting board suggests.

I'm not saying there won't be hard moments, but we all have hard moments with our own kids too. There's a huge amount to gain though too.

I wouldn't even say that it's a sacrifice you can make if you really want him because i don't think that's true either. In my relationship, and I was already a parent when i met him, seeing him parent, talking about the kids, getting to know them, watching him nuture them and getting to have my own relationship with them has added to our relationship and how i feel about him, not taken away. Same as watching him build a relationship with my daughter.

Just because in real life you have had positive experiences of step parenting denying a real fact that step parenting also doesn't work out is not a balanced argument. Step parenting is a real risk to the child child/children and ultimately is a selfish decision on part of the parents. The child does not ask for strangers to be brought into their life. Many risks exist to the children which are well documented by evidence (can go on Barnardo's website).

Step parenting is a real risk to the child child/children and ultimately is a selfish decision on part of the parents. The child does not ask for strangers to be brought into their life.

Really bizarre view - do you have your own negative experience that’s colouring your views?

It’s also a risk to children to have parents who don’t have their emotional/relationship/community needs met. Isolated parents are a massive risk to children.

It isn’t one situation is better/worse than the other - parents/people can get things wrong for kids in any situation.

Just because there are situations where it turns out badly, does not mean that all or most are like that. I am a better parent when my other needs are met. Being single mum, whose ex rarely sees our daughter, with little in person social interaction is bad for me, bad for my mental health and therefore is not the right thing for my daughter either. I am a better parent now than I was when I was on my own and more isolated. 100%.

I do not but have seen plenty of real life examples where parents have moved partners in and caused a lot of havoc for the children who were left in the middle of their parent's selfish decisions. And one success story ("success"because there was a lot of comprises made).

So in order to avoid isolation you must blend families and move random people into your children's home? Isolation won't be cured by whoever the next partner is. In that case you need to work on your resilience, self esteem, and expand your support network. Not some random next bloke or woman.

Like I've said a lot of evidence is available from reputable sources about the risks to children from partners.

Oh what a surprise a non step-parent here talking on mumsnet about how step parenting is evil.

I don't get the big deal over casually meeting. I have lots of friends, male and female, who will come over. I didn't wait two years before they could come for dinner. My children would have no idea if they were a romantic partner, it's just dinner. There's a world apart from someone staying over, in daddy's bed, as a big presence, and the children seeing that... and having an hour in the park, sat on a bench having coffee. Why would they read anything in to that? Then if anything does progress, you're not a stranger or a big deal to be introduced too.

What will you do when your current relationship ends @Bao , since there is no knowing that it will, move on to the next bloke to "parent better"?

@zonky

However robust your self esteem is, we are still human - mammals - biologically wired for proximity to other humans and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to combine families. For as many families as something goes wrong and you hear about it, there are probably a handful of other families for whom it’s working out just fine. Children are pretty resilient and the presence of a second adult can be a very reassuring thing.

I say this as a widow who’s spent 7 years alone doing tonnes of inner work on self esteem and loneliness etc. Why should I be subjected to another decade alone just because my son isn’t grown up yet? He would be perfectly able to handle another adult on the scene because our bond is strong.

What’s your own situation? Are you a single/lone/widowed parent, or partnered?

I have zero intention if it ended. And what right do you have to judge me? Every step I have taken from leaving her father, to deciding I want a new partner, to choosing him carefully, progressing slowly has been carefully considered. Every last choice and decision I have made has been thought through fully, carefully and over time with a lot of self reflection and my decision that a strong, kind male role model who makes me happy and adds a lot to our family would be better for my daughter than being in a single parent family with a burned out Mum whose needs weren't being met is the right one, made with both my daughters needs and my own front and centre.

If we didn't work out, I may or may not make the same decision again. I can't possibly know right now. But you are not in a position to sit and judge. Why are you even here with no lived experience of what OP is asking? You sound nasty and you sound bitter.

When I first started seeing my partner he had his son 2 days during the week after school and every other weekend. This covered all his days off.

It was difficult as we both worked shifts with long hours. We'd see each other of an evening after he'd taken his son home or we'd plan our annual leave to make it work that way.

It actually worked really well for us because neither of us were particularly demanding. We started dating in the March and I met his son in the August. I was introduced as daddy's friend to start with so that there was no pressure.

I was very apprehensive about this as it was too soon in mho. But I love my stepson like my own and 2 years down the line we are living together and have our own child on the way.

We work really well as a little family unit and actually see each other less now that we live together due to our work schedules. But we both make sacrifices to ensure we also get quality time together

**I have zero intention of it ending

Throwing in my 2 cents. I have a 13 year old and a 9 year old. Exh has introduced them to both of the girl friends he has had, the first after seven months together and the second after two weeks (!). He broke up with gf1 two months after she met the kids.

Its not ideal, I don't love it, and my oldest is skeptical of how long it will last with gf 2. But what I will say is neither child has been damaged in anyway by meeting them both. Actually its been much better this time round as he has stayed involved with the kids as opposed to ditching them for his gf. From what the boys say gf 2 is nice, she gives them time on their own with their dad and he is a happier and better parent because he is in a happy relationship.

I don't think you can put a hard timeline on meeting his child, and if you are both serious about each other and he still has one on one time with his DC then honestly it might not be the worst thing to get to know dc.

And to answer this my youngest is def more optimistic about each gf 'daddy is so happy, they are so happy' and my oldest more skeptical. But they both seem to like her and neither has given him (or her) a hard time.

I'd never date a man with school aged children again.
18 months later and they still didn't know about me.
He was terrified of pissing off his ex so even though I'd never even met them I danced to her tune.
I found his dedication to them very attractive, but he wouldn't even ask if he could be flexible despite bending over backwards to accommodate her.
I'm perfectly happy to come second to his children. It's how it should be. I've been that kid.
I will not play second fiddle to an ex wife though, so I dumped him.

I’d be wary of not meeting the children for such a long time. If you want a future with this man you need to check his kids aren’t assholes and his parenting isn’t crap.

it’s not going to traumatise them to meet you at the park or a day out.

@WhiteChocMocha glad to see you're on a better path now in terms of time together. I was going to suggest seeing what you can do to adjust your working hours to make things work a bit better if that's an option e.g. compressed hours so you get an extra day off, switching shifts etc. Just to say my sense from your posts is that this relationship is definitely worth making the effort for and you both seem to be approaching the situation in the right way. Good luck! Definitely agree with a pp on a gentle intro to you though- casual dinner where you come along as Dad's friend, maybe a day out a few weeks later etc.

No disrespect but I think you're living in la la land. Hope it works out for you though really.

You may not, but he might. And that's the risk you take, since you cannot predict other people's behaviours. I can post my opinions it's s public forum. And I said what I did because that's how it comes across: you only parent better when you've got a bloke.

I am a good parent either way. I have the self awareness to realise I am happier when my needs are being met and that when I am happier, I am a better parent. I won't be shamed for realising that and saying it.

I never intended for my husband to be abusive and my marriage to end. I guess by your logic I should have thought more about how I couldn't control my husband's thoughts or actions and therefore shouldn't have married or had a child with him in the absence of a crystal ball?