Non-parents dating parents

[WhiteChocMocha]

I don't really need advice as not much can be done, but maybe hear from someone who's been there and how they got through. Basically, due to schedules, me and my SO just don't get a lot of time together.

Seeing a single dad with a demanding job and primary age DC - he has 50/50 childcare but in reality does more like 60%. He's a very involved parent and has proper quality time with DC, which is something I really like about him. We both have full-on jobs - he works looong days and I'm away a lot with mine.

We aren't out to his DC and won't be for a while. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I don't think it's fair to come into a child's life without having decided there's a long-term future. For me, I can't decide that before having been with someone 1-2 years. His view is similar, we have talked about it openly.

With all that and other life commitments as well, we get max 2 mornings a week when we can potentially see each other. However, if I'm away for the week, or his DC is ill, or anything else, that week's out - and it happens quite often.

We're really happy when we're together, just smiling non-stop and talk every day, I've never felt so supported by a guy and he really cares about my mundane daily life. I really fancy him and want to see this out, we've known each other a while too.

It's just that with current schedules and life events, we've recently been seeing each other every 3 weeks. I've just found out that I won't see him for another 2 weeks now as I'm working away and... I'm just devastated, I miss him so much in between.

Inevitably because I'm not a parent, even when I stay busy etc, I have more time in my hands to miss him. When he's had a long day and he tells me about how he's feeling, I just wish I could be by his side. It's tough.

I'm guessing it's a common issue for parents that work full-time, probably even more so if both people have little ones. How have you gotten through those initial months/ years of dating when DCs and work have to come first and making time for a relationship is a big challenge?

You are definitely overthinking, if you don't dip your toe in the water you'll never know.

A casual meal out with daddy's friend to introduce you, then you pop over for dinner one evening and leave before they go to bed, and slowly build up to staying overnight. I definitely agree that introducing you in a couple of years as a serious girlfriend, out of the blue, is much worse, what if you don't get along, wouldn't you rather find out now ?

@xfan I try to not concern myself with the ex too much but it's fine, not too close but also they help each other out with practical things etc.

"Do you ever feel like second best as his priority are clearly his children (as they should be)?"

I know I am second best 😃As harsh as it sounds. When a parent has children, they always come first. However, raising children isn't flowers and rainbows 24/7 and I like that he can talk to me about the joys and sorrows of it among other things, or switch dad-mode off for a few hours and have a bit of a break. He's a really fun person and I like that I make him smile and crack silly jokes.

Plus he is very invested in my life and very supportive, and remembers little things I said months or years ago.

Thin that as a single person dating a parent you've got to make peace with not being number one, and having to have more alone time initially, I do think that's just part and parcel.

@MrsMontyD "A casual meal out with daddy's friend to introduce you, then you pop over for dinner one evening and leave before they go to bed, and slowly build up to staying overnight. I definitely agree that introducing you in a couple of years as a serious girlfriend, out of the blue, is much worse, what if you don't get along, wouldn't you rather find out now ?"

Yes good point, I agree with you. I'd say maybe we'll go there after Christmas. I know he's not incredibly precious about us meeting, I'd just like to give it a few more months, and he's the dad so it should be him to suggest it.

I guess it's just that every relationship involving an adult with small children goes through that initial stage where your time together is quite limited. It's quite different to dating people without families who can meet you most free evenings, and you've really got to adjust.

@Tenbyfive Made me laugh 😂

I don't mind, do I need to start worrying about my skivvy skills too now? 😂

He's not quite like that though, we've both rushed into relationships in the past and want to figure out who we are as individuals before the skivvy contract!

It depends how old the children are, how well they adjust to other significant adults in their lives. You said "every relationship which involves an adult with small children view through that initial stage where your time together is limited", that limited time can go on for years though. And also, it can quickly change back to unavailable in order to accommodate children. He may not always want to sharing his time with his children with you, even though you may not see an issue with this.

It depends how old the children are, how well they adjust to other significant adults in their lives

Just in response to this, you don't go from being a stranger to a significant adult over night. I think issues can happen because people wait so long that by the time they are introduced 18 months into a relationship they have become very significant to their partners and they expect their child to understand and respect this when tp them they are a stranger. If you wait a long time for a casual meeting you will still need to get to know them slowly.

@Lilithslove @Goatbilly would you say some ages are easier than others? In my head I’m thinking younger kids will be more accepting and happy about it and 12+ a bit more spiky but maybe that’s a stereotype.

I imagine that it would be easier to meet them younger, although I actually prefer dsds now they are older as they are more fun and you can have a proper conversation with them. I think a lot of it comes down to personalities though. Some people just get on better than others!

I have come across articles that suggest age does matter quite a bit when it comes to kids and partners meeting. I think I read that 5-10 as the easiest age range for all involved. They are out of the high needs stage and before the more emotionally challenging stage of becoming a teenager.
My DH was introduced to DC when DC was 9 and it worked out really well (obviously as we are now married). I found it stressful tbh because I had fallen for my now DH( we already knew each other when we started dating) but if they didn’t get on it would of been over.
At the start it was tough because we barely saw each other due to work and life commitments as little as once a month. He worked most weekends and I worked weekdays. We did however start our relationship at a time where we were making changes to jobs/location anyway so what got us through was knowing we would be able to see more of each other after a few months.

Contrary to the belief on Mumsnet children do not get damaged simply by being causally introduced to new people. Yes it's important to not play families or allow children to attach and get integrated into your life as a couple etc but I would never wait a year to just meet someone's child. Especially if they are quite small and do not understand the whole dating process. I understand older kids might be more aware and you can't just pretend your girlfriend is just a friend.

The way he interacts with his child, his parenting style, his child's personality and how they respond to you are extremely important factors in deciding if you want to be with this man. After a 1-2 years majority of people are already attached and find it difficult to break up. All you have to do is go on step parenting board to see blending families can be very difficult and not everyone gets on with their stepchildren.

My friend was dating a lady with children recently and luckily he met them because it turned out he couldn't accept they dynamics in their family. (He doesn't have children of his own).

Now I would never encourage you to meet with his child on regular basis so it's not something that's going to resolve your busy schedule /lack of time.

Ideally I think people who don't have children yet are better off dating non-parents but then if you really like him and he's special then you could make it work :).

Thank you for your replies, it's just nice to be able to talk about this with someone. Most of my friends are non-parents dating other non-parents, or married parents, and at times I feel like I'm alone with this as they can't relate to this issue.

@Crunchingleaf "At the start it was tough because we barely saw each other due to work and life commitments as little as once a month. He worked most weekends and I worked weekdays."

Yup that's us. And like you, we know things would get better next year as some changes are happening, it's just getting through the next 3 months or so. Overall I accept this situation is temporary, but I'm guessing you may have felt a bit lonely/ sad at times during these months?

@Lili132 "All you have to do is go on step parenting board to see blending families can be very difficult and not everyone gets on with their stepchildren."

I know! I read on there sometimes and maybe that's why I'm making a big deal out of it. I am a glass half-full person and I'm just trying to get different perspectives, not just the one where everyone lived happily ever after.

"if you really like him and he's special then you could make it work :)"

As two people, I don't think a dating agency would put us together in a million years 😂 I have thought long and hard about if I really see myself in this particular relationship and guessing he has too. If it wasn't for this particular person, I wouldn't put myself through this situation.

A bit of an update here, hopefully someone will find it useful.

Relationship has certainly improved recently and I’m quite happy, he seems to be, too!

Find that as a non-parent dating a parent, school holidays are the hardest. He’s just so busy entertaining (he’s a very hands-on dad) that end of the day when he calls me he’s really worn out. And 2 weeks without him is hard for me. We have less contact and lose our regular daily routine, I miss him more and get more needy.

Looking back, we had a challenging Christmas and for a few days I just asked for some space as it was rough seeing everyone with the people they loved and missing him while elsewhere with my family.

So during school holidays or when kids are sick, that’s the hardest part where one needs a good dose of patience and understanding, and double down on hobbies and socialising. Regular ‘I miss you’ messages would probably just make him feel guilty so trying to stay away from phone!

I thought I'd reply from the other side.. I'm a full-time parent and have been for ten years (widowed at 36). I've met a guy who parents his kids 40% of the time. He mostly comes over once my DC are in bed. He met them early on due to my eldest being a detective and spotting my attempts at secrecy! After nearly 2 years, I've only recently seen what I think is the real him. He was able to make loads of effort initially, but hasn't maintained that now. As my DC get older, they go to bed later but still need a taxi driver available in the day, but DP and I do get out from time to time for a couple of hours in the day or evening. We can't cohabit for multiple reasons so he will be DP only for at least another 5 years.

It's great that your DP is a committed dad, but he will be for a very long time by the sounds of it. I'm the one here with virtually no time or headspace for DP and I do want to be in a relationship, but the kids always will and have to come first. Fortunately, he has a hobby that keeps him busy and I don't know how much he's bothered being on his own.

Don’t do it. I am a parent but my boyfriend is a single dad and it’s impossible and frustrating. Yeah it’s great when we do see each other, but not often

Basically your incompatible, he has a family life which is his main priority in life, you don't so have alot more free time on your hands and no restrictions on what and when you can do stuff. If he didn't have children then no doubt you would both be doing hobbies and days out together. Sorry to have to be so blunt but If you want to waste your time waiting around for weeks on end jsut to see him one morning then I'm afraid you will have little sympathy from anyone else when the enevertible happens a year or two down the line. You need to find someone who has the same sort of priorities in life as you do, same sort of free time no restrictions so you can go away on a wkend without having to worry about childcare or a night out. Would you be happy living together as a family in the future if his kids need to live with him full time for whatever reason? Family holidays? Family days out? Etc alot of people with out children would not want to so just simply walk away if they meet someone who allready has children due to the lifestyle in compatability issues.

I understand you like him but think about, this isn't really what you'd want out of a relationship and I think deep down you know it.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who makes you a priority and are able to do and plan things and plan a future together?

He likely is getting his sexual needs met and some companionship and it's all on his terms and there you are just waiting around for crumbs.

There really are many many compatible men out there you can have a real relationship with. He's not the one.

@emptythelitterbox @jimmyjammy001 Thanks for your replies.

I can see why you’d say that as at the moment we have very different lifestyles.

However, I’ll be honest, I’ve changed a lot last few years, and I want the ‘family life’ that would come with him in the long-term almost as much as I want him.

I know real-life step-parenting is much more challenging than people imagine. However, take even this week. A lot of our conversations have been about DC and the things they do, I’m very interested in that side of him. Rarely does a day go by without me asking about DC. Sometimes I see things for kids in shops and think ‘DC would probably love that’. I’m interested in his DC and would love to be a part of this life.

So yes, to reply to your comment, I do want to wake up next to him, spend holidays with him etc. And I’m excited for DC to be a part of it.

From that viewpoint I don’t think we’re incompatible. Think summer school holidays would be the time to have a few ‘soft’ meets with DC and move things forward.

I do miss him now and it gets hard sometimes but I’ve made my bed and known (and learned more along the way) what I’m getting into.

This sounds like a waste of your time. Do you have very low self-esteem? Are you not looking for a relationship, just occasional sex and texting?

If you don’t want children, why are you happy with his dominating your life? Have you met his friends and family? Why can you never spend evenings and weekends together on the 50% of the time he hasn’t got his children?

I think meeting the dc even in a friend capacity on days out is the only way forward here that way it can kind of progress in time to you visiting the house, having some time when dc are in bed then heading home to eventually staying over. That way it's gradual rather than a big shock when you appear as the new girlfriend. If that still won't work due to schedules I'd be questioning compatibility tbh

So you still haven't met his DC? I'm all for not rushing things but at the moment you are not seeing each other's full lives as his dc and him being a parent is a huge part of his.

My dp met my dc after 6 months - nothing major - just a fun activity together and we then built it up gradually. We still don't live together after 3.5 years but he is always around. If we were to break up then the dc might be a little sad but he isn't their dad - he is my boyfriend.

We couldn't have continued our relationship without him seeing me and my life as a whole and me seeing him around my dc.

It sounds as though your relationship is plodding along and hasn't moved on in the time you have been together (over 2 years?) and I'm not sure that would be enough for me, or my dp at this stage.

@Sunshineandflipflops Thanks for your reply.
Feel like maybe my OP lacks some crucial context. Hard to say how long we’ve been together at this stage, probably 6-8 months, certainly nowhere near 2 years. However, I know this man for years and years, and we’ve been ‘best friends’ for a lot of that time, including lots of in-person time every week before we started as a couple. So we know each other, warts and all. Just missing the ‘at home with DC’ aspect which I appreciate is quite a big one 😊
In my head I’ve decided that I’ll see what progress we make this year and would like a more normal routine to naturally develop. We’ve already developed a better routine where we’ve seen each other more lately, and things are headed in the right direction, slowly.

However, within 12 months or so I’d like us to move in together, or it’s indeed not really for me, as painful as it might end up being.

@Suzannargh Again, feels like my posts are lacking context – see above.
When I first posted in October, we were in the early stages of dating and time was an issue due to all the other commitments for us both. Have you ever dated a busy parent that works late into the night? It’s not like they’ll be sneaking you into the house their kids sleep in for a quick shag. Likewise, when you finish work at 7-8pm and have an early morning, will you be alert enough to have quality time with someone? All you want to do is collapse into bed. I work many weekends, and so does he, but we have now put days aside that are for us to spend time together.

We have a fair few common friends, I’ve met most of the significant people in his life.

And I’d be happy with his children dominating my life cos it’s the people that matter to him most. I’m in for all of him, not just the ‘dating’ bits, I just haven’t dived into wanting to play happy families with him from day 1. He‘s fine with my life being dominated by my work and encourages me to go after my goals, because he accepts me as I am, not just the bits on his tick list.

@Zanatdy Sounds like something I’d say!

However you continue this relationship. So clearly it brings positives into your life?

I called him my boyfriend but it’s pretty much over. Just isn’t working out.

Aww you sound so.... naïve... you'll soon be ground down by the children ruling your life and decision making. Good luck!

@xfan don’t most people with children in their live their lives dictated by children’s needs? Thought that was fairly standard.