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Original poster

Non-parents dating parents

117 replies

WhiteChocMocha · 17/10/2022 10:41

I don't really need advice as not much can be done, but maybe hear from someone who's been there and how they got through. Basically, due to schedules, me and my SO just don't get a lot of time together.

Seeing a single dad with a demanding job and primary age DC - he has 50/50 childcare but in reality does more like 60%. He's a very involved parent and has proper quality time with DC, which is something I really like about him. We both have full-on jobs - he works looong days and I'm away a lot with mine.

We aren't out to his DC and won't be for a while. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I don't think it's fair to come into a child's life without having decided there's a long-term future. For me, I can't decide that before having been with someone 1-2 years. His view is similar, we have talked about it openly.

With all that and other life commitments as well, we get max 2 mornings a week when we can potentially see each other. However, if I'm away for the week, or his DC is ill, or anything else, that week's out - and it happens quite often.

We're really happy when we're together, just smiling non-stop and talk every day, I've never felt so supported by a guy and he really cares about my mundane daily life. I really fancy him and want to see this out, we've known each other a while too.

It's just that with current schedules and life events, we've recently been seeing each other every 3 weeks. I've just found out that I won't see him for another 2 weeks now as I'm working away and... I'm just devastated, I miss him so much in between.

Inevitably because I'm not a parent, even when I stay busy etc, I have more time in my hands to miss him. When he's had a long day and he tells me about how he's feeling, I just wish I could be by his side. It's tough.

I'm guessing it's a common issue for parents that work full-time, probably even more so if both people have little ones. How have you gotten through those initial months/ years of dating when DCs and work have to come first and making time for a relationship is a big challenge?

OP posts:
zonky · 14/04/2023 11:14

Bao · 14/04/2023 11:05

I am a good parent either way. I have the self awareness to realise I am happier when my needs are being met and that when I am happier, I am a better parent. I won't be shamed for realising that and saying it.

I never intended for my husband to be abusive and my marriage to end. I guess by your logic I should have thought more about how I couldn't control my husband's thoughts or actions and therefore shouldn't have married or had a child with him in the absence of a crystal ball?

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No, but that shows you that people change and that your current bloke can also become abusive. You're clearly dependent on needing a romantic partner in your life - as you keep mentioning about your needs being met - and that seems to entail blending families as well. What would you do if your current man parents your child in a way in which you're uncomfortable?

Bao · 14/04/2023 11:21

zonky · 14/04/2023 11:14

No, but that shows you that people change and that your current bloke can also become abusive. You're clearly dependent on needing a romantic partner in your life - as you keep mentioning about your needs being met - and that seems to entail blending families as well. What would you do if your current man parents your child in a way in which you're uncomfortable?

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Do you think your own needs are being met? Sat on Mumsnet trying to pull someone else's life and personality apart? What do you think is missing from your life that you sit there feeling the need to be like you are?

Human beings are wired for connection, it's biology

There are zero certainties in life

Everything has a risk attached. If we never did anything because of that risk, we'd live sad, boring, unsatisfying lives indeed.

zonky · 14/04/2023 11:25

Bao · 14/04/2023 11:21

Do you think your own needs are being met? Sat on Mumsnet trying to pull someone else's life and personality apart? What do you think is missing from your life that you sit there feeling the need to be like you are?

Human beings are wired for connection, it's biology

There are zero certainties in life

Everything has a risk attached. If we never did anything because of that risk, we'd live sad, boring, unsatisfying lives indeed.

Show quote history

I'm good thanks, and in a happy relationship.

Just amazed how some women excuse themselves.

Yes human beings are wired for companionship , not necessarily romantic relationships that's a relatively recent phenomenon in our history.

Maybe you need to expand your social circle? Get a better job?

Lol, nice how you explain risks...and yes you seem to think you've got a good egg (for now) .. quite superficial.

Bao · 14/04/2023 11:28

zonky · 14/04/2023 11:25

I'm good thanks, and in a happy relationship.

Just amazed how some women excuse themselves.

Yes human beings are wired for companionship , not necessarily romantic relationships that's a relatively recent phenomenon in our history.

Maybe you need to expand your social circle? Get a better job?

Lol, nice how you explain risks...and yes you seem to think you've got a good egg (for now) .. quite superficial.

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Strange then that you seem to be so bitter isn't it. I'd have bet a lot on you being unhappy, and unhappy about other people's happiness where you've been unable to find it.

Let's hope your partner doesn't change and become awful to you, or finish with you. You never do know what someone else might do you know. Don't hang your hat on them staying the same.

zonky · 14/04/2023 11:31

Bao · 14/04/2023 11:28

Strange then that you seem to be so bitter isn't it. I'd have bet a lot on you being unhappy, and unhappy about other people's happiness where you've been unable to find it.

Let's hope your partner doesn't change and become awful to you, or finish with you. You never do know what someone else might do you know. Don't hang your hat on them staying the same.

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I'm perfectly happy being single too as had spent many years being single beforehand, so I'm not afraid for it to end. It's a good life lesson - rely on yourself. Nope happy for friends too.

worriedgasper · 14/04/2023 11:49

I would move on, as much as you like him this problem won't get better but worse. And then resentment will set in.

NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 11:51

@zonky by your logic noone should ever have children at all. After all, anyone can turn out to be abusive and there is always a risk that you'll split up with the child's other parent which is very distressing for the children.

It's just people's selfish desire to reproduce...

JMSA · 14/04/2023 11:54

I have children and therefore don't mind dating fellow parents.
However, if I was childfree then I really don't think I would.
You sound great OP, and I really respect your decision not to meet the children too soon. But you are never, ever going to come first. Not in the same way that you could prioritise him (if you so wished!).
Are you ok with that?

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:01

NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 11:51

@zonky by your logic noone should ever have children at all. After all, anyone can turn out to be abusive and there is always a risk that you'll split up with the child's other parent which is very distressing for the children.

It's just people's selfish desire to reproduce...

Well most people settle for each other as they realise that if they want children they need to take a chance on whoever they are with at the time. Lost of bad decisions as divorce rate is hovering around 50%.

I said parents need to think why they want/need a romantic partner (again) when they're still parenting children?? And wanting blended families? Are people afraid of being alone? Being a single parent is stigmatising? Need regular sex? Need financial back up?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 12:34

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:01

Well most people settle for each other as they realise that if they want children they need to take a chance on whoever they are with at the time. Lost of bad decisions as divorce rate is hovering around 50%.

I said parents need to think why they want/need a romantic partner (again) when they're still parenting children?? And wanting blended families? Are people afraid of being alone? Being a single parent is stigmatising? Need regular sex? Need financial back up?

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Simply isn’t it a fundamental need of a human to have sex and relationships? See Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:49

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 12:34

Simply isn’t it a fundamental need of a human to have sex and relationships? See Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Show quote history

At the expense of your children's well being by thrusting a random new bloke on the scene probably not.

Goatbilly · 14/04/2023 12:52

The issue is when the current relationship breaks down, who picks up the pieces? The existing parent and the children. Not the new partner. A new relationship is a risk and some don't want to take that risk until their children are well past the need to be patented and less likely to be affected in case of a relationship breakdown.

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 12:53

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:49

At the expense of your children's well being by thrusting a random new bloke on the scene probably not.

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You asked why people pursue a relationship. I provided an answer.

As a step parent I can tell you the most damaging thing to the children is the parents who spilt up in the first place and therefore have competing interests going forwards in terms of finances/free time/child care. The incoming step parent will a just another adjustment as a consequence of the spilt. It’s not the cause of the upset or distress to the kids.

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:56

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 12:53

You asked why people pursue a relationship. I provided an answer.

As a step parent I can tell you the most damaging thing to the children is the parents who spilt up in the first place and therefore have competing interests going forwards in terms of finances/free time/child care. The incoming step parent will a just another adjustment as a consequence of the spilt. It’s not the cause of the upset or distress to the kids.

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"just another adjustment". It can be a further, cause of distress and upset to their lives over which they had no choice or say.

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 13:02

zonky · 14/04/2023 12:56

"just another adjustment". It can be a further, cause of distress and upset to their lives over which they had no choice or say.

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i don’t disagree, but think the biggest issue is having kids with someone entirely unsuitable in the first place. There is already plenty wrong and the suggestion that everything would somehow be ok if those parents didn’t pursue a relationship is pretty naive. Parents that don’t consider the impact of a new relationship on their kids won’t be prioritising the children needs over their own in other areas. It will be one element of a repeating pattern of not
prioritising their children.

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:17

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 13:02

i don’t disagree, but think the biggest issue is having kids with someone entirely unsuitable in the first place. There is already plenty wrong and the suggestion that everything would somehow be ok if those parents didn’t pursue a relationship is pretty naive. Parents that don’t consider the impact of a new relationship on their kids won’t be prioritising the children needs over their own in other areas. It will be one element of a repeating pattern of not
prioritising their children.

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Maybe they were suitable and then became unsuitable, it happens all the time
You can't control the impact on the children no matter how much thinking and consideration you've done. They may tell you later what the impact is and felt they couldn't at the time. Partners can change and become problematic. And since you cannot guarantee it perhaps you need to think about why you want a romantic relationship (so badly).

NCMum79 · 14/04/2023 13:27

@zonky You keep saying random bloke...it's not like women are dragging fellas in off the street. And yes, many of us enjoy sexual and companionable relationships....that's not a 'recent' thing or a fad. It's how humans operate. If the kids are happy, what's your problem?

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 13:29

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:17

Maybe they were suitable and then became unsuitable, it happens all the time
You can't control the impact on the children no matter how much thinking and consideration you've done. They may tell you later what the impact is and felt they couldn't at the time. Partners can change and become problematic. And since you cannot guarantee it perhaps you need to think about why you want a romantic relationship (so badly).

Show quote history

The same is true of step parents. Likewise it might all start out well. Stepparents aren’t automatically bad for children just like actual parents aren’t.

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:36

NCMum79 · 14/04/2023 13:27

@zonky You keep saying random bloke...it's not like women are dragging fellas in off the street. And yes, many of us enjoy sexual and companionable relationships....that's not a 'recent' thing or a fad. It's how humans operate. If the kids are happy, what's your problem?

So do you prioritise your sexual needs over your children's well being? Because essentially that's one of the gaping benefits of having a live-in partner... they're happy untill or sonit seems until the relationship ends and then they're not....

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:37

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:36

So do you prioritise your sexual needs over your children's well being? Because essentially that's one of the gaping benefits of having a live-in partner... they're happy untill or sonit seems until the relationship ends and then they're not....

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No society has conditioned most people that they "need' a partner...god forbid someone is Single and not on the hunt for the next bloke to plug in the hole ....

Blsp · 14/04/2023 13:44

Just another way of shaming single Mums. It's normal and natural to want a seek a romantic relationship, but not if you're a single mum. If you're a single mum it is selfish and irresponsible.

Zonkys posts of course ignore completely that step parents can have a positive impact on a child. They assume the best that can happen is that no harm is caused. Not that a genuine, loving, value adding relationship might be formed that benefit your child for their entire lives.

NewNameNigel · 14/04/2023 13:46

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:17

Maybe they were suitable and then became unsuitable, it happens all the time
You can't control the impact on the children no matter how much thinking and consideration you've done. They may tell you later what the impact is and felt they couldn't at the time. Partners can change and become problematic. And since you cannot guarantee it perhaps you need to think about why you want a romantic relationship (so badly).

Show quote history

Exactly @zonky . Selfish people like you insist on reproducing with no guarantee that you will stay with your partner. Putting your own sexual desire and desire for a cute baby above any consideration for the suffering the chilfren might have in their life .

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:46

Blsp · 14/04/2023 13:44

Just another way of shaming single Mums. It's normal and natural to want a seek a romantic relationship, but not if you're a single mum. If you're a single mum it is selfish and irresponsible.

Zonkys posts of course ignore completely that step parents can have a positive impact on a child. They assume the best that can happen is that no harm is caused. Not that a genuine, loving, value adding relationship might be formed that benefit your child for their entire lives.

It isn't the only version and probably far and few between....but you can dream on!

Morningcoffeeview · 14/04/2023 13:47

Blsp · 14/04/2023 13:44

Just another way of shaming single Mums. It's normal and natural to want a seek a romantic relationship, but not if you're a single mum. If you're a single mum it is selfish and irresponsible.

Zonkys posts of course ignore completely that step parents can have a positive impact on a child. They assume the best that can happen is that no harm is caused. Not that a genuine, loving, value adding relationship might be formed that benefit your child for their entire lives.

Yes and I also think it’s pretty healthy for children to see positive relationships and thereby have healthy role models.

Lilithslove · 14/04/2023 13:48

zonky · 14/04/2023 13:37

No society has conditioned most people that they "need' a partner...god forbid someone is Single and not on the hunt for the next bloke to plug in the hole ....

Show quote history

The same could be said for the desire to have children....