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Original poster

Husband kissing someone else

91 replies

Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:05

I’m hoping you wise vipers can help me. Last night my husband got unusually drunk and various things came out (I was sober at the time) including the fact that he had kissed two different girls going back about 15-18 years (we’ve been together 23 years).

One was while we were in a LDR one on a drunken night out with mates.

Im just not really sure how I should feel or what I should do with the information. On the one hand I’m not that bothered, we got together young, for one we were in a LDR, things happen and it was a long time ago. We’ve since married and had kids.

But on the flip side I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be and I feel, well I don’t know how I feel tbh. Put out? A bit of a mug? I’d have been absolutely heart broken had I found out at the time and I have always 100% trusted him. I feel weird at the thought of him being intimate with anyone else even if it was so long ago.

He says it was nothing more than a snog but has alluded to there perhaps being other instances (we haven’t had a chance to talk about this all properly yet as he’s away this was all on the phone) but is adamant it was a snog nothing more and certainly not since we were married.

Im fucking annoyed he’s put this on my tbh - I didn’t need to know if it was so long ago. Unless there were more and my trust has been misplaced all these years. Any advice on what I do next with this information?

Things haven’t been brilliant with us recently which isn’t helping 😞

OP posts:
Colderthanever · 16/10/2022 11:08

Couldn’t be bothered by a drunken snob nearly two decades ago

Heavenknows22 · 16/10/2022 11:11

I don’t see the point in him telling you now. Why did he do that?

billy1966 · 16/10/2022 11:11

I would tell him get a grip with his drunken admissions 🙄.

I would be more pissed off that he can't hold his drink without coming out with rubbish.

Tell him clearly to cop on as your relationship at the moment could do without this additional bullshit.

stevalnamechanger · 16/10/2022 11:12

I would be cross that he even told me

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:13

Well I’m not really but then it doesn’t feel right to be totally ok about it either - I don’t know I guess it’s just the idea that what I always thought isn’t as it was and whether it’s the tip of an iceberg of more he hasn’t told me. That said I just don’t think he’s like that - in the sense of being someone to sleep with someone else behind my back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:14

I know like wtf - I really didn’t need to know after all this time!

OP posts:
Oodie29 · 16/10/2022 11:14

I'd wonder if there's more revelations to come out, to be honest.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:15

stevalnamechanger · 16/10/2022 11:12

I would be cross that he even told me

I am more pissed off about that than the idea of the snog!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:15

Oodie29 · 16/10/2022 11:14

I'd wonder if there's more revelations to come out, to be honest.

This is what worries me. What’s triggered it after all this time. I’ve seen him drunk on enough occasions where it hasn’t come out before

OP posts:
justdonttalk · 16/10/2022 11:16

Big deal.

dontputitthere · 16/10/2022 11:20

What? Why bring it up now. What else is he hiding from you

Also I know you said you were young etc. but he kissed someone when you'd been dating for 8 years. 8 years. That's a long time long to be with someone and then cheating on them

I would be thinking he's a very good liar if he's kept this from you all this time.

And also it wasn't a one off drunken stupid mistake that he's then tried to correct by not drinking again/being careful etc and been remorseful. he's done it again at least once.

Aconitum · 16/10/2022 11:26

Either he's trying to make you a bit jealous so you realise he's actually a catch and you will get on better or he's trying to make you a lot jealous so you throw him out then you are the bad guy.
Either way it's totally juvenile behaviour and needs calling out.
By the way to you and everyone else, a drunken or lonely snog is not cheating unless it's happening every week.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:38

Aconitum · 16/10/2022 11:26

Either he's trying to make you a bit jealous so you realise he's actually a catch and you will get on better or he's trying to make you a lot jealous so you throw him out then you are the bad guy.
Either way it's totally juvenile behaviour and needs calling out.
By the way to you and everyone else, a drunken or lonely snog is not cheating unless it's happening every week.

Yes I think this may be exactly it. I certainly wouldn’t be ending my marriage over a snog (certainly not one so long ago!) but I feel a bit put out by the whole thing. And I think you are right that it’s trying to make me jealous. He’ll be disappointed if that is the case as I didn’t really react to it at all - I was just trying to fact find while he was so talkative 😄

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 16/10/2022 12:17

I would be questioning why, now after all these years hes confessing to a drunken snog. Is he laying a path for further revelations?

GreyCarpet · 16/10/2022 12:26

I'm afraid I'd also be wondering if it were the tip of an, as yet, unspoken iceberg.

Did he tell you because it was so long ago be no longer thinks it's a threat to your marriage but wanted to get it off his chest? Not very sensitive but not really an issue.

Or have things happened since/more recently and so this is at the forefront of his mind?

Do you think he would be honest if you sat down to have a calm conversation with him about it?

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2022 12:28

He's got more to tell you.

bluedelphinium · 16/10/2022 12:38

I think a proper, in person conversation needs to happen. Full details. Why he's telling you now. How is he feeling about the marriage. Is it likely to happen again?He owes you that much.

Assuming it is just these few one off drunken snogs, I think would be hurt that it happened but would consider it in context and on balance. I would also let him know that if anything like that happens again then I wouldn't be as accepting at all.

Hmmreallythough · 16/10/2022 12:51

I think I'd be pissed off he'd told me too! But then I'd wonder why he'd chosen to do it now, after all this time... My concern would be that it could be a precursor to an admission about a bigger, more recent betrayal and he's using the older ones to gauge your reaction. 🤔
I have a terrible wandering mind though 😅
I hope you manage to have a proper, honest conversation soon and that things become clearer!

Herejustforthisone · 16/10/2022 13:39

Did something happen last night while he was out that prompted his drunken brain to offer up a semi-confession?

I wonder if he’s told you a bit of truth but. It all of it to realise the pressure valve on any guilt he had. But it’s weird to suddenly mention it after nearly two decades, so I’d assume something else has happened to prompt it.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 14:06

Given that when people admit things like this they usually underplay them, I would be furious and need to know more.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 14:07

Aquamarine1029 · 16/10/2022 12:28

He's got more to tell you.

Exactly.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 16:01

Well gut instinct was right. There is more.

He’s just called (in a different time zone so morning there). Him and his 2 mates paid for 3 hookers to come to their room and lap dance (apparently not for sex) Apparently nothing even happened as they demanded more money to actually strip. It was awkward and they left.

I am in shock. I think I’m going to throw up and can’t stop shivering.

What the fuck has happened here. This can’t be real. I can’t believe he would even tell me given how would I otherwise find out.

Who the fuck am I married to? I don’t know what to do I can’t tell anyone. Hookers??? This cannot be my life imploding here.

What the fuck do I do?

OP posts:
thisbathiscoldnow · 16/10/2022 16:03

He's drip feeding to see what you'll tolerate. There's always more.

Pack his bags

Cheminaufaules · 16/10/2022 16:07

It is shocking, OP, but this use of prostitutes is now becoming mainstream. So, I get your shock and disbelief, I really do, but you need to shift your mindset to realise that what he has done, countless other 'normal' 'family' men are doing across the land.
I am old enough to remember the days when it was sickening, when only dirty old men used prostitutes. Now it's almost glam, in the same way cocaine use has been glammed up.
Realising this societal shift is the first stage in your recovery, which will be long. I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. Become warrior.

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:11

I think you are married to someone going through a midlife-crisis whose friends are also in some delayed teenage phase. Adding alcohol to that - and we have this situation. Men in groups do weird and stupid things.

It is telling though that he seemed to feel
guilty and fessed up right away. At least partially - as no doubt it wasn’t easy.

Small comfort - but he didn’t have to - as you would not have found out.