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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kissing someone else

91 replies

Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:05

I’m hoping you wise vipers can help me. Last night my husband got unusually drunk and various things came out (I was sober at the time) including the fact that he had kissed two different girls going back about 15-18 years (we’ve been together 23 years).

One was while we were in a LDR one on a drunken night out with mates.

Im just not really sure how I should feel or what I should do with the information. On the one hand I’m not that bothered, we got together young, for one we were in a LDR, things happen and it was a long time ago. We’ve since married and had kids.

But on the flip side I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be and I feel, well I don’t know how I feel tbh. Put out? A bit of a mug? I’d have been absolutely heart broken had I found out at the time and I have always 100% trusted him. I feel weird at the thought of him being intimate with anyone else even if it was so long ago.

He says it was nothing more than a snog but has alluded to there perhaps being other instances (we haven’t had a chance to talk about this all properly yet as he’s away this was all on the phone) but is adamant it was a snog nothing more and certainly not since we were married.

Im fucking annoyed he’s put this on my tbh - I didn’t need to know if it was so long ago. Unless there were more and my trust has been misplaced all these years. Any advice on what I do next with this information?

Things haven’t been brilliant with us recently which isn’t helping 😞

OP posts:
ViolinPin · 16/10/2022 18:44

Who knows what his intentions are, to end the marriage or to instigate some kind of temperary split to test the waters with someone else, his recent revalations have not been spilled for any moral epiphany, I would lay money on it.

He probably may not know what he wants at this juncture, Ive seen men when getting in too deep with someone else , sabotage their own "getting away with it' with the wife, as though they need saving from a situation that's gone too far.

I'm sorry op, I do think there is more, as they say Cherchez la femme, things may beome clearer.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2022 18:46

Also, you hire strippers to strip. He hired hookers. Which is for an entirely different thing.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 17/10/2022 10:34

Just checking in to say thank you for all your words and support. I’ve barely slept and am now at work. I’ll see him tomorrow but I just feel tired and so numb still. Why aren’t I in floods of tears why do I feel nothing except sickness and sadness.

He also fessed up to snogging someone on a stag do when I was pregnant. It’s the one time in 20 years my spidey senses went off but I put it down to hormones.

He still swears he’s never done anything more than that with anyone but I’m sure there are more revelations to come.

The more I think about it the more I am sure he wants to put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage and this is the only way he can think to do it. We’ve been going through a difficult time but I always thought despite it all he really loved me and only me. How could I get it so wrong. Fuck.

I don’t know what to do next or how to handle this at all. I am too humiliated to tell anyone IRL but may talk to one very trusted and non judgemental friend tonight if I can. I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it to anyone really.

I keep visualising him going down in the lift to pick the escorts up from the hotel lobby weirdly. Supposedly his friends idea but he went to get them. He handed them his share of cash as they all did. Our fucking money. That actual transaction makes it even more real if that makes sense? At any point he could have said this is wrong and walked out.

When they refused to strip he tried to get some of his money back then thought better of it as he thought they might get beaten up. How fucking pathetic and embarrassing. Oh, and he tried to (or did) buy coke too. He’s never done drugs.

If this is a midlife crisis he’s going about it in style that’s for sure.

OP posts:
ViolinPin · 17/10/2022 11:15

Whilst you are busy organing your thoughts, dates, times, historical records, physically and mentally, he may be using this time to push ahead with plans that work to his advantage.

Protect yourself from the here and now, it's a diversion tactic.

TimeforZeroes · 17/10/2022 11:21

Even if that’s the whole truth (unlikely), who wants to be married to that guy? Urgh.

PragmaticWench · 17/10/2022 11:53

The planning of it is just grim. You can kind of understand someone snogging someone drunkenly, as a one off, but planning for hookers to turn up is no momentary impulse. Being willing to pay cash to see a stranger naked is also grim.

What a complete arsehole.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 17/10/2022 18:16

ViolinPin · 17/10/2022 11:15

Whilst you are busy organing your thoughts, dates, times, historical records, physically and mentally, he may be using this time to push ahead with plans that work to his advantage.

Protect yourself from the here and now, it's a diversion tactic.

What do you mean exactly - as in I should start getting my ducks in a row. What plans would work to his advantage? I don’t see a way back for us from this right now but not entirely sure what I should do.

OP posts:
bluedelphinium · 17/10/2022 21:42

Goodness no, I couldn't see a way back either, sorry. A drunken snog is one thing. Hiring sex workers is entirely another. Personally i would not believe it was 'just' for stripping.

think he's being tricky, revealing this bit by bit. It's not the way of someone wanting a clean slate. I would get everything in order quickly and discreetly.

Bookworm20 · 18/10/2022 10:44

Sorry you are going through this. But it sounds like he has been cheating the whole way through your relationship.
Yet another confession of a snog on a stag night. When you were pregnant ffs.
This alone would see me chucking his bags out the front door.
There will be much more to come, so try and prepare yourself.
Also, he has admitted he paid money for women to come to their room, and it wasn't for stripping. Perhaps they wanted more money to do strip first, before doing the deed they were actully paid for. Thats his way of telling you that. he has added some truth in there, but I bet he had sex with one of them.
His drunken confession of his previous kissing would have likely been done right after the women left, and his way of rubbing it in, after his ego has been massaged. For no other reason than to hurt you, for whatever reason.

Yes, I'd start getting your ducks in a row.

GreenManalishi · 18/10/2022 11:03

He's telling you because he wants you to know, and he will be expecting a certain reaction and outcome. His intention in imparting this information is not to improve your marriage.

Prior indiscretions and the current prostitutes and drugs confession is really him sending you a very clear message. I'm really sorry.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 18/10/2022 11:17

His behaviour - yuck! Yes he has done wrong. You deserve better.

The question is - why is he telling you?

Does telling make him feel 'open' and less guilty or is he intending to get some reaction from you?

You know him better than anyone else. What do you think he is up to?
Can you make use of this knowledge?

whistlingandwine · 18/10/2022 11:19

His behaviour is so damaging, causing so much damage to you, your mental health. Just your mention of you visualising him going to meet the prostitutes in the hotel lobby indicates your brain is in overdrive, trying to piece together this new and traumatic information. What on earth are you supposed to do with this new information? The rational side of you will be saying that you are way too good to stay with the sort of piece of shit who engages with prostitutes. But then there's the practicalities of life which get in the way.
Is he fucking stupid?

peanutbutterontoast7 · 18/10/2022 12:35

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry OP. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
It's bad enough the revelation from over a decade ago but now this.

If you're wondering what you do next ask your self two simple question.... can you ever trust him again? Can really you forgive and forget?
And keep asking yourself these questions. You don't deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. You deserve nothing but love and happiness.

ViolinPin · 18/10/2022 13:23

What do you mean exactly - as in I should start getting my ducks in a
row. What plans would work to his advantage? I don’t see a way back for
us from this right now but not entirely sure what I should do

Yes ducks in a row.
Amas financial information, instead of the emotional data of the marriage.

His actions of telling you is two fold, for you to end the marriage and also blindside you into utter agony and chaos so he can manipulate and divert your attention away from him ripping you off.

In no way, shape or form do these confessions help any marriage, he could exit the marriage without harming you so much, unless he's a sadist there is a reason he wants you on the floor as he walks away.

Very cruel, selfish and dishonourable.

Make a solicitor's appointment.

Billyjean1 · 18/10/2022 15:34

He’s cheated on you multiple times yet he thinks he’s done nothing wrong. OP time to get legal advice and get your ducks ina row.

Vapeyvapevape · 18/10/2022 15:38

Oodie29 · 16/10/2022 11:14

I'd wonder if there's more revelations to come out, to be honest.

Yep , I wonder if he's testing your reaction before he reveals other stuff.

Vapeyvapevape · 18/10/2022 15:42

Sorry should have read the thread .
sorry this has happened op .

SandyY2K · 18/10/2022 15:59

He wants out of the marriage, but is too gutless to straight up say it.

gyarados · 18/10/2022 16:02

why has he suddenly told you, has it happened again & the guilt has caused him to spill the beans?

momtoboys · 18/10/2022 16:08

If I were you I would laugh it off. It was years ago. You weren't married. If I am honest I had to explain a drunken snog with my ex to my soon to be husband while we were engaged. His response "Are you going to do it again?" I responded "No." He let it go and it has never happened again in the 25 years we have been married.

Lsquiggles · 18/10/2022 16:22

Oh what a pig, I'm so sorry

gyarados · 18/10/2022 16:37

well that escalated quickly - from a drunken song decades ago to paying for hookers ! I'd never trust him again & once that is gone then that's it for me.

When is back from his trip?

CantGetDecentNickname · 18/10/2022 17:12

How about presenting him with some of his belongings in a bag when he does walk in and telling him that you need some space in the light of his revelations. Having a deadpan expression and being polite but business-like and cold (not sobbing mess) so he can at least realise the seriousness of what he's done. I wouldn't bother to listen to any more explanations or whatever he wants to admit to next as you're not his emotional and guilt trip dumping ground. It's vile of him to want to hurt you like this by throwing a grenade into your marriage and I would treat him with the disgust he deserves. If he whines about where could he go, it isn't your problem, but let him know that everyone will know what he has done immediately if he insists on staying.

If you haven't already, consult a solicitor asap and make sure you have copies of all incomes and expenditures in your lives.

LynetteScavo · 18/10/2022 19:04

Well this has obviously been bothering him for a long time, and he's finally blurted it out. I'd say all those years ago he was a fool, he knows it and has been carrying the guilt ever since. He's basically a good man and or he would never have told you. I'd let him sweat for a bit, before you make you're next move. I take it you're not going to leave him, but knowledge is power and you most certainly now have the upper hand.

You're married to a fool. A good hearted fool who has lived with the guilt all these years.

dontputitthere · 18/10/2022 19:12

LynetteScavo · 18/10/2022 19:04

Well this has obviously been bothering him for a long time, and he's finally blurted it out. I'd say all those years ago he was a fool, he knows it and has been carrying the guilt ever since. He's basically a good man and or he would never have told you. I'd let him sweat for a bit, before you make you're next move. I take it you're not going to leave him, but knowledge is power and you most certainly now have the upper hand.

You're married to a fool. A good hearted fool who has lived with the guilt all these years.

Fucks sake @LynetteScavo read the whole thread!

Unless you're saying hiring prostitutes is the sign of a good man

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