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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband kissing someone else

91 replies

Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:05

I’m hoping you wise vipers can help me. Last night my husband got unusually drunk and various things came out (I was sober at the time) including the fact that he had kissed two different girls going back about 15-18 years (we’ve been together 23 years).

One was while we were in a LDR one on a drunken night out with mates.

Im just not really sure how I should feel or what I should do with the information. On the one hand I’m not that bothered, we got together young, for one we were in a LDR, things happen and it was a long time ago. We’ve since married and had kids.

But on the flip side I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be and I feel, well I don’t know how I feel tbh. Put out? A bit of a mug? I’d have been absolutely heart broken had I found out at the time and I have always 100% trusted him. I feel weird at the thought of him being intimate with anyone else even if it was so long ago.

He says it was nothing more than a snog but has alluded to there perhaps being other instances (we haven’t had a chance to talk about this all properly yet as he’s away this was all on the phone) but is adamant it was a snog nothing more and certainly not since we were married.

Im fucking annoyed he’s put this on my tbh - I didn’t need to know if it was so long ago. Unless there were more and my trust has been misplaced all these years. Any advice on what I do next with this information?

Things haven’t been brilliant with us recently which isn’t helping 😞

OP posts:
hugznotdrugz · 16/10/2022 16:11

He probably did it again last night tbh

Herejustforthisone · 16/10/2022 16:20

He’s dripping the truth to you. “Just for lap dances” will turn into “my mates fucked them, I didn’t…” and so on….

I’m so sorry. There’s many many more skeletons in this liar’s closet, I suspect.

Jaxinthebox · 16/10/2022 16:25

yuk, pack his bags, there is much more to this than he has said.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 16:26

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:11

I think you are married to someone going through a midlife-crisis whose friends are also in some delayed teenage phase. Adding alcohol to that - and we have this situation. Men in groups do weird and stupid things.

It is telling though that he seemed to feel
guilty and fessed up right away. At least partially - as no doubt it wasn’t easy.

Small comfort - but he didn’t have to - as you would not have found out.

So a mid life crisis that began many years ago? That's when he says the "kissing" happened.

Honestly why do some women come up with these lame excuses for bad behaviour?

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:35

@knittingaddict

Not excusing his behaviour at all.
Helping OP understand what is going on.

He and his mates did the stupid thing.

He felt guilty and called her trying to confess.
The situation brought back the past transgression and he felt it was a ‘lesser’ feel to fess up to. Even being very drunk he knew it was a big deal.

It’s up to OP to decide what she wants to do. Men do seem to be prone to doing stupid things when in a group and drunk.
If she chooses to stay - it is a good sign that he felt so guilty to not hide it.
In this situation, most men would just compartmentalise and move on, given that it won’t get back to their partners.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 16:38

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:35

@knittingaddict

Not excusing his behaviour at all.
Helping OP understand what is going on.

He and his mates did the stupid thing.

He felt guilty and called her trying to confess.
The situation brought back the past transgression and he felt it was a ‘lesser’ feel to fess up to. Even being very drunk he knew it was a big deal.

It’s up to OP to decide what she wants to do. Men do seem to be prone to doing stupid things when in a group and drunk.
If she chooses to stay - it is a good sign that he felt so guilty to not hide it.
In this situation, most men would just compartmentalise and move on, given that it won’t get back to their partners.

But he cheated 15 or so years ago and has cheated now. Sounds more like a pattern of behaviour than a mid life crisis.

Stravaig · 16/10/2022 16:40

Him and his 2 mates paid for 3 hookers to come to their room and lap dance (apparently not for sex) Apparently nothing even happened as they demanded more money to actually strip.

There's still more to come. He felt guilty enough to blurt out admissions about multiple ancient snogs. Which will be less serious than whatever he really has to confess. I'm sorry, OP.

knittingaddict · 16/10/2022 16:41

And guilty confessions aren't a good sign. He was drunkenly dumping his guilt on the op, which is a horrible thing to do.

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:42

@knittingaddict
If it were a pattern - he’d not be feeling so guilty as to come clean this way.

Hard to know anything about 15years ago. Even OP didn’t really get too worked up about that as they were young and long distance.

dontputitthere · 16/10/2022 16:45

MMmomDD · 16/10/2022 16:35

@knittingaddict

Not excusing his behaviour at all.
Helping OP understand what is going on.

He and his mates did the stupid thing.

He felt guilty and called her trying to confess.
The situation brought back the past transgression and he felt it was a ‘lesser’ feel to fess up to. Even being very drunk he knew it was a big deal.

It’s up to OP to decide what she wants to do. Men do seem to be prone to doing stupid things when in a group and drunk.
If she chooses to stay - it is a good sign that he felt so guilty to not hide it.
In this situation, most men would just compartmentalise and move on, given that it won’t get back to their partners.

What about the stuff that happened 18 years ago that he clearly didn't feel guilty about as he didn't confess to it?

Op may have different boundaries on what's cheating or not. That's not my call clearly. And I'm not judging!

My point was maybe drunken snogging a few months in to a relationship is passable. After eight years less so.

But once is a mistake. Twice not so much. And Hiring prostitutes is hardly a passing lapse in judgment.

I'm sorry op. It does sound like this has completely blindsided you. Do you have any real life support?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/10/2022 16:47

Cheminaufaules · 16/10/2022 16:07

It is shocking, OP, but this use of prostitutes is now becoming mainstream. So, I get your shock and disbelief, I really do, but you need to shift your mindset to realise that what he has done, countless other 'normal' 'family' men are doing across the land.
I am old enough to remember the days when it was sickening, when only dirty old men used prostitutes. Now it's almost glam, in the same way cocaine use has been glammed up.
Realising this societal shift is the first stage in your recovery, which will be long. I am so very sorry you are experiencing this. Become warrior.

What a load of old bollocks. I think you're living about 20 years behind the times. It being "almost glam" (which it never was, by the way), was a long time ago now. People are a bit more enlightened.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/10/2022 16:51

Stravaig · 16/10/2022 16:40

Him and his 2 mates paid for 3 hookers to come to their room and lap dance (apparently not for sex) Apparently nothing even happened as they demanded more money to actually strip.

There's still more to come. He felt guilty enough to blurt out admissions about multiple ancient snogs. Which will be less serious than whatever he really has to confess. I'm sorry, OP.

I think so too. Prepare yourself.

I'm also wondering if he is engineering an end to the marriage. You say it isn't in a great state as it is. He MUST know that what he's done isn't going to help that one bit. So why on earth is he telling you?

DucklingDaisy · 16/10/2022 16:51

I agree with people saying he’s testing the waters to see what you’ll accept, there’s almost certainly more than he‘d actually told you to the hooker story.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/10/2022 16:55

Also this: I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be

I've been with my husband 25 years. I have never had the urge to be unfaithful. Maybe it's worth exploring why you yourself haven't always wanted to be faithful. What would have prompted you to feel that way?

ViolinPin · 16/10/2022 16:59

Sounds like he's prepping you for pain.

The history is irrelavant, he's getting you to open your eye's to what's happening now.

billy1966 · 16/10/2022 17:01

Bloody hell.

That is shocking and premeditated.

So sorry OP.

I would be pretty revolted right now if I were you.

Please reach out for support from friends and family.

What a sleaze.

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 17:06

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/10/2022 16:51

I think so too. Prepare yourself.

I'm also wondering if he is engineering an end to the marriage. You say it isn't in a great state as it is. He MUST know that what he's done isn't going to help that one bit. So why on earth is he telling you?

Show quote history

This is something I am wondering too.

OP posts:
Tassen · 16/10/2022 17:06

WTF

What kind of married man hires hookers to come to their room???
He obviously has a problem with alcohol.

I really feel for you & I sincerely hope for the sake of your sanity that nothing else has happened.
However what's happened is enough for me to seriously be thinking of divorce as drunken snogs one thing but hookers. Has he got rocks in his head????

Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 17:07

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/10/2022 16:55

Also this: I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be

I've been with my husband 25 years. I have never had the urge to be unfaithful. Maybe it's worth exploring why you yourself haven't always wanted to be faithful. What would have prompted you to feel that way?

Not an urge to be unfaithful as such, more just a case of meeting the odd guy over the years (my younger years I just add) that I was quite attracted to. But I’ve never done anything even though I could have easily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 17:10

I’m posting on here as not in the head space to talk about it to anyone IRL. I feel quite numb now tbh. I won’t see him for a few days so I think my head is compartmentalising it. I think he feels like he can be honest as in his words ‘he’s done nothing wrong’

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/10/2022 17:15

What is not going well in your relationship right now? This context might explain some things.

At first glance, I would assume he is trying (consciously or subconsciously) to push you to end the marriage. I've seen this so many times.

MadeForThis · 16/10/2022 17:32

He has been tempted to stray now (or actually has) and drunken him is telling you about indescretions in the past instead of telling the truth.

He phoned hookers and waited for them to come to his room. I wouldn't care what he did with them. That would be enough.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/10/2022 17:39

Hiring prostitutes is hardly a passing lapse in judgment.

Quite. That's 0-60 which very very rarely happens.

And hiring human being in this way shows a dark, unpleasant side which I wouldn't want in a husband.

JestersTear · 16/10/2022 18:02

"in his words ‘he’s done nothing wrong’"

I find it hard to believe that he doesn't realise that ordering hookers to his room like takeaway isn't wrong. Just because they didn't give him and his mates a lap dance (allegedly) doesn't make it right. The intent was there...

I'm so sorry OP x

KarenPirie72 · 16/10/2022 18:16

I don't think this is a one-off, OP. Ordering a trio of hookers to a hotel room is a big step up from a drunken work outing to a strip club for a lap dance.

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