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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband kissing someone else

91 replies

Bluegrassgreenskies · 16/10/2022 11:05

I’m hoping you wise vipers can help me. Last night my husband got unusually drunk and various things came out (I was sober at the time) including the fact that he had kissed two different girls going back about 15-18 years (we’ve been together 23 years).

One was while we were in a LDR one on a drunken night out with mates.

Im just not really sure how I should feel or what I should do with the information. On the one hand I’m not that bothered, we got together young, for one we were in a LDR, things happen and it was a long time ago. We’ve since married and had kids.

But on the flip side I’ve always been very faithful even when I didn’t always want to be and I feel, well I don’t know how I feel tbh. Put out? A bit of a mug? I’d have been absolutely heart broken had I found out at the time and I have always 100% trusted him. I feel weird at the thought of him being intimate with anyone else even if it was so long ago.

He says it was nothing more than a snog but has alluded to there perhaps being other instances (we haven’t had a chance to talk about this all properly yet as he’s away this was all on the phone) but is adamant it was a snog nothing more and certainly not since we were married.

Im fucking annoyed he’s put this on my tbh - I didn’t need to know if it was so long ago. Unless there were more and my trust has been misplaced all these years. Any advice on what I do next with this information?

Things haven’t been brilliant with us recently which isn’t helping 😞

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 18/10/2022 19:50

@dontputitthere - I missed the OPs one post about the hookers - sorry, had read all of her other posts (I sometimes skim other responses because people (like me on this post) often just type crap.

Choconut · 18/10/2022 20:00

If he's done nothing wrong as he keeps saying, then why is he telling you all this? I'm sorry he's such a twat OP.

firstmummy2019 · 18/10/2022 20:21

Changed snog to one night stand and you are closer to the truth.

Littlepaws18 · 18/10/2022 20:41

LynetteScavo · 18/10/2022 19:04

Well this has obviously been bothering him for a long time, and he's finally blurted it out. I'd say all those years ago he was a fool, he knows it and has been carrying the guilt ever since. He's basically a good man and or he would never have told you. I'd let him sweat for a bit, before you make you're next move. I take it you're not going to leave him, but knowledge is power and you most certainly now have the upper hand.

You're married to a fool. A good hearted fool who has lived with the guilt all these years.

I am afraid to say I don't agree with this false hope. He told you because he thought if he told you about past discrepancies he would feel less guilt about what he did with the hookers. The first admission was forgivable but the more he blurts out the more it suggests a pattern. I'm a great believer in virtue ethics- it's not the action but the motivation for the action and what you do afterwards that counts. He kissed those girls because he could blank your existence out of his life for those moments. He chose to pay a hooker because he wanted a sexual thrill ( I bet you are only getting half the story here- who pays for a hooker takes her to a hotel and has no intention of have sex?!) then by his own admission it didn't work out, not because he got a conscience and realised how important you were in his life- but because they wanted more money! It's all happening at once he has had decades to process and you have had hours. But I don't see how, with his current mindset and attitude of I did nothing wrong means a.) he won't do it again b.) how you could ever trust him again and finally how you can more forward with this relationship. For me it would be over.

ViolinPin · 18/10/2022 21:39

How about presenting him with some of his belongings in a bag when he
does walk in and telling him that you need some space in the light of
his revelations. Having a deadpan expression and being polite but
business-like and cold (not sobbing mess) so he can at least realise the
seriousness of what he's done

This is exactly what he wants and I think op knows that.
An excuse to be thrown out, he tried the snog angle, not powerful enough, then the past prostitutes to get op to fume at him to get out.

The only thing he has not done is tell the truth about why he is confessing to these past 'mistakes' and that is because he is protecting someone, now.

His loyalties are lying elsewhere.

justdonttalk · 19/10/2022 16:30

peanutbutterontoast7 · 18/10/2022 12:35

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry OP. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.
It's bad enough the revelation from over a decade ago but now this.

If you're wondering what you do next ask your self two simple question.... can you ever trust him again? Can really you forgive and forget?
And keep asking yourself these questions. You don't deserve to be punished for the rest of your life. You deserve nothing but love and happiness.

Do you write for soap operas? My goodness, talk about over reacting.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 16:37

The strippers won't be the first or last time. Nor will the drugs.

peanutbutterontoast7 · 19/10/2022 16:39

@justdonttalk what actually is the purpose of your reply here? What are you adding to this conversation other then showing your own lack of understanding or empathy.

Someone who has found out their partner cheated but also hired strippers deserves all my understanding and empathy and if you don't like it then just scroll on!

Merra · 19/10/2022 18:00

OP have you not given him his matching orders by now.

ViolinPin · 19/10/2022 18:28

@justdonttalk

If I were you, I would take the advice of your own username 🙃

justdonttalk · 19/10/2022 20:04

Merra · 19/10/2022 18:00

OP have you not given him his matching orders by now.

I see you believe in cancel culture. You poor soul.

Merra · 19/10/2022 20:10

justdonttalk · 19/10/2022 20:04

I see you believe in cancel culture. You poor soul.

Show quote history

Sounds like your the poor soul if you condone cheating. Perhaps you need to raise your standards.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/10/2022 20:49

I see you believe in cancel culture. You poor soul.

More 'dumping sleazy men who hire sex workers' culture. I wish that was a culture.

monsteramunch · 19/10/2022 21:12

@justdonttalk

I see you believe in cancel culture. You poor soul.

It's not cancel culture to leave a man who pays for sex workers to visit his hotel room.

It's common sense.

Herejustforthisone · 19/10/2022 21:35

How about living up to your name @justdonttalk, yeah?

Lindengericht · 19/10/2022 22:52

@Bluegrassgreenskies are you ok?

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