Have any of you woken up to how bad your parents were?

[WakingUpDistress]

Having counselling atm for very unrelated things.

Im just realising how dysfunctional my family was. I mean I was well looked after, parents were supportive, only child. There is nothing that I would have said was unusual. My dad has been depressed like forever and my mum has always been anxious. But then who isn’t?

Im in my mid 50s and I’m slowly realising that actually things weren’t good.
My mum has always been emotionally unavailable. I was expected to be perfect as a child (even dreaming to have a sibling just so that it would be obvious I didn’t need to be that perfect iyswim). I was expected to be independent, to act more like an adult than a child. And I was. The number if times I have been praised for being so mature!
But when things got tricky there was no one. No one to tell me about periods and how to deal with them (was just handed a packet of pads). No one to tell me to brush my teeth. Or to have a shower everyday. No one to tell me about my grand father dying. But I was expected to somehow not cry or ask anything when he did. Instead I was told that I really needed to be mindful at how hard it was for my mum. I was 15yo.
My dad has always gone into rages. (Even more so nowadays). All brushed under the carpet because he had such a hard childhood and ‘you need to let it go’.
And the shame. The general feeling of shame and not being good enough. Always me not being good enough when things go wrong.

It surprises me at how much there is. How much I’ve ignored/not realised, probably because it was my normal. But I didn’t really realise how dysfunctional everything was even when I had my own dcs.

How could I not? Why did it take so long for me to realise?

Anyone else in a similar boat?

I did from a fairly early age and became more aware as I got older but so did my mum too and she apologised for a lot. So I am lucky in that respect.

one thing to keep in mind is that despite all that chances are they were doing their best with what they had, and I honestly dread to think what my grandparents were like as parents. It’s not an excuse, and some self awareness from any parent would be great!

I have no doubt that they did and are still doing their best.
On my dad side, both his parents were abusive and I wondered why he kept in touch with them (albeit LC).
In my mum side, I suspect there has been a lot if MH stuff going on. Again just realised that ALL siblings have had MH issues of their own…. So obvious and right in my face that I never made the link.

l just accept the fact that my parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had at the time. My Mum is the least maternal figure l know, she admits it herself, says she' s selfish etc, but l refuse to allow their parenting to affect my life, its up to me to heal from it, learn from it and do my best to be a better parent myself. l have a brilliant relationship with my two sons thats the main thing for me.

Yes me. I started to unravel, as I call it, about a year and a half ago at the age of 47 ish. Realised that my parents were a pair of fuckwits, my father (who was 26 years older than my mother) was one step above a paedophile and that I could have had a completely different life if someone had just had my back and loved me when I was a kid (also an only.) I'm having therapy now but I can't get my life back....

I could have written your post op, like looking into a mirror.

Have you read about parentification of a child?

that I could have had a completely different life if someone had just had my back and loved me when I was a kid (also an only.) I'm having therapy now but I can't get my life back....

Yes I think what I’m struggling with just now is how this has impacted my life so much so me ever realising it.

Im also struggling with the loneliness feeling, like if her motherly support (or lack of) has left a huge hole. Nit sure if I’m making sense there….

Yes terrible parents too....have been in and out of counseling for past 6 years. Took for me to have kids to realise how crap it was. I have also realised it explains quite a few dodgy relationships.
Good days and bad days but on the whole I can manage ok.

Be kind to yourself op. You have come out of this and still standing. Be proud of that .

@YouAreNotBatman yes I have come across it but probably need to learn/read more around it really.

Be kind to yourself op. You have come out of this and still standing. Be proud of that

Thank you @Dancingqueen90

You are making perfect sense. The emotional unavailability, the pressure to be perfect, the assumption that one has to act as a grownup whilst being subjected to all kinds of real life restrictions...

I think it's quite a common pattern, especially for people who grew up in the 60s and 70s, maybe 80s too. Probably even quite prevalent today.

I think an awful lot of people feel "damaged" in some way by their parents. I'm confident that in the vast majority of cases, the parents were doing what they thought was best at the time.

My advice is not to dwell on the past. You can't change it. It is what it is and you are who you are. None of us will ever know what sort of person we might have been had we had a different upbringing. Maybe we'd be exactly the same, maybe completely different, but it's pointless to speculate, as it only tends to make one inward-looking, I find.

I am reminded of this famous poem by Philip Larkin.

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself."

My childhood was difficult. Absent then dead father and a mentally unwell and unstable mother who died when I was 30. Honestly a relief I didn't have to put up with abuse from her for the rest of my adult life.
Some days I am absolutely devastated and angry I didn't have any parental support ever, some days I except it and am proud of the good person I've become despite of upbringing.

Some things I have found helpful which you should find with a quick Google:

• daughters of narcissistic mothers
• childhood trauma / ACEs
• Ted talk by Doctor Gabor Mate
• this book which is free on an Amazon Kindle Unlimited Trial (Kindle app available on any smartphone) If No One Was There For You by Dr Jennifer L Thomas

I've had a few rounds of talking therapy and CBT on the NHS which helped a bit at the time but I think I would need to shop around and find a private specialist in childhood trauma to really heal that way. The last NHS advisor I spoke to said "why would you want to dig all that up again." 🙄

This happened to me in my 30s with very similar set of issues although it was my mum who had the temper. But after a period of anger and counselling I have come back round to a place of acceptance.

It was a different era with different expectations on parents, there wasn't much focus on emotionally supporting children. My parents were born postwar and by their admission, people didn't talk about emotions because the horrors of war were too present. My mum probably shouldn't have been a mother, she didn't enjoy it and wasn't suited to it, but it wasn't so easy to opt out in those days, it was expected. There weren't brilliant alternatives for working class women like her. She has an eating disorder and poor mental health generally but she wouldn't dream of seeking support, women like her just didn't. My dad provided zero emotional support to her but then again that was also typical of men of his generation.

Keep going with counselling if you can and try to think about why your parents were the way they were, it doesn't mean making excuses for them but it may help you find a bit more peace.

I dont think I’m particularly ‘inward looking’ tbh.
I started counselling because I had issues dealing with a chronic illness that is badly affecting my life, my ability to be a mother, work and generally ‘be me’.

It’s because I looked at ways to deal with my illness that I realised how much hurdles I put in my own way. Because I can’t say NO. Because of the shame etc…

So yes I’d be the same. But understanding why and where this is coming for might help me find balance again. At least that’s my hope!

My childhood was very damaging.

My father was very abusive, and so was my sister.

For many years it appeared that "my Mum was the good one"

The truth I've woken up to realise is that this was only by comparison, and that she was abusive in other ways both in her own right and by failure to protect.

I have had to have a lot of counselling, but it does not resolve the feelings of injustice, you just have to live with.

I.l have a look at that book @Pepsipepsi

This is really interesting. I haven't experienced this myself, but with hindsight my late husband had a very dysfunctional rigid upbringing that really damaged him, and went on to damage our relationship and his relationship with his DDs. He never saw it, I have only come to see it after I had a lot of counselling to work through the damage he did and where it came from.

My own parents were pretty fabulous. I have also learned to see how lucky I was in that.

Totally get it........ If any concilation took me til nearly 60 for my eyes to be opened, spent majority of my life being 'the good daughter' AKA mug/doormat/people pleaser in attempt to feel loved by people that were incapable of anything but loving themselves! Not had counselling but stately homes thread helped a lot in unravelling it all in my head. 💐

it is what it is, family history, genealogy and sociology is past stories. but at some point you need to take responsibility for your own choices and i don't think therapy changes that or the steps you need to take going forward.
there are times i'm a people pleaser and i loath confrontation, but at 65 i need to take ownership of this, i left home at 17. i really can blame my mom and dad anymore. and yes they were strange parents.

@fallfallfall what I’m getting at isn’t blame, as in blaming them.
Its about understanding where it’s coming from so I can do something about it.

If it had been as simple as ‘taking responsibility/ownership’ I would have solved those issues years ago!

@pointythings its scary how behaviours you don’t even realise you have can be so damaging. I’ve been wondering a lot about the impact it has had on my dcs too.

I get that parents do their best but why do some parents become abusive however gently you broach the subject. Also why would we need social services and laws etc if thinking they did their best makes it all go away. I think it's one of those sayings that only makes sense if you're talking about just a dodgy hair cut etc. But race and emotional neglect are way way beyond that.

I found things harder the older I have got.

My own children getting older has also made me very reflective.

Sounds like my background, and it affects the rest of your life because those ways of being get programmed into your neural pathways that you can't just change by thinking / talking about them. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk is very good at explaining this. Some people manage to form strong and stable relationships in adulthood than can help with the emotional regulation others of us aren't so lucky.

I feel like, in my early 50s, I'm having to consciously think about how I put myself first and treat myself with the consideration that a good parent would have. I have been caught in the trap of prioritising the needs of my parents as they got older, as I have done all my life, and made myself ill in the process. There seem to be quite a lot of us that seem to hit this stuff again around menopause.

Rubbish. Most of us that feel like this were taking responsibility for things not of our doing when we were far too young to deal with it. In my case a terminally ill father, an eating disorder triggered by a genetic disease that had gone unnoticed by my parents and a sexually abusive next door neighbour, all while my mother swanned about maintaining she was overworked and stressed in her crappy admin job and leaving me to cook, do my own laundry, come home from school to feed my dad usually being raped by the neighbour on my way back to school etc. etc. And things got way, way worse after that. How much more responsibility would you have liked me to have taken?

@TheSnootiestFox yup been there and yes i can relate but it's in the past and you can't change it at all. what you can do is recognize it's part of your history and move forward.
you did the best you could at the time you survived! you take responsibility to make your life better.