Have any of you woken up to how bad your parents were?

[WakingUpDistress]

Having counselling atm for very unrelated things.

Im just realising how dysfunctional my family was. I mean I was well looked after, parents were supportive, only child. There is nothing that I would have said was unusual. My dad has been depressed like forever and my mum has always been anxious. But then who isn’t?

Im in my mid 50s and I’m slowly realising that actually things weren’t good.
My mum has always been emotionally unavailable. I was expected to be perfect as a child (even dreaming to have a sibling just so that it would be obvious I didn’t need to be that perfect iyswim). I was expected to be independent, to act more like an adult than a child. And I was. The number if times I have been praised for being so mature!
But when things got tricky there was no one. No one to tell me about periods and how to deal with them (was just handed a packet of pads). No one to tell me to brush my teeth. Or to have a shower everyday. No one to tell me about my grand father dying. But I was expected to somehow not cry or ask anything when he did. Instead I was told that I really needed to be mindful at how hard it was for my mum. I was 15yo.
My dad has always gone into rages. (Even more so nowadays). All brushed under the carpet because he had such a hard childhood and ‘you need to let it go’.
And the shame. The general feeling of shame and not being good enough. Always me not being good enough when things go wrong.

It surprises me at how much there is. How much I’ve ignored/not realised, probably because it was my normal. But I didn’t really realise how dysfunctional everything was even when I had my own dcs.

How could I not? Why did it take so long for me to realise?

Anyone else in a similar boat?

I understand. I was 47 before I really challenged my mum's behaviour to me.
On the one hand she has been generous, but yet, I'm not really a 3d person to her.
I am the part she wrote and I must respect her right to call be sensitive, paranoid, give me the silent treatment call me angry insane entitled..... all I wanted to do was tell her that she hurt me and have her acknowledge that. I was dreaming. She is unreachable.

honest question partially because of the way my mind works. but when you find yourself doing something you really don't want to; being sucked in by flattery, giving more than you have to give to prove your self worth, or being hurt by negative comments don't you go to bed at night and put two and two together and say oh my gosh, i'm trying to please my mom or oh my gosh i want a warm loving father figure or oh my i want a sister. isn't it obvious in your mind where the need and feelings come from? maybe not in the moment but 8 hours later?

Yet another one with absolutely no idea. If only life were that simple. Its more a case of looking at 30 years of poor decision making and realising in middle age when it's far too late, where your rationale comes from.

oh, if only it was that simple
Neglect in childhood leads to trauma that embeds negative beliefs that are as sold as reinforced concrete.
Why do you think people repeat crap relationships over and over and over again.
Because they believe they are worthless, pathetic pieces of shit and that's what they deserve.
That's what they're parents taught them.
To get out of that trauma they need to rage against those that damaged them.
It doesn't matter why they damaged them, what matters is that they did.

Your post really resonates with me OP.
It wasn't until having my own kids that I realised what a poor mother I had. She was never abusive, but she was emotionally distant, uninvolved and hyper critical. What's interesting is how she now thinks I mollycoddle my own kids, when all I do is treat them how any decent parent does.

The best realisation I ever had was when I was around 40 and realised it doesn't matter in the slightest what my mother thinks of me. She was unpleasable , so it was very liberating.

I went to a therapist because my mum was giving me the silent treatment AGAIN.
Therapy hasn't magicked everything right but it has helped me detach from how my mum treats me ( like the part she wrote).

This is so true. Every different stage my kids have reached me and DH have had moments where we're like I can't believe such and such happened to me when I was this age...and we couldn't imagine inflicting our childhoods on our kids.
We don't let our childhoods affect our lives now and we have always gone way out of our way to make sure we are nothing like our parents..., but it's always there.

@WakingUpDistress Yes, to your original post. It's far too long a story, but I could have written a lot of your post - the total lack of emotional support, the expectation of perfection, not being allowed to show any sort of negative or sad emotion...hell, even down to how my first period was dealt with! I'm also in my 50s and my sympathy for them has virtually disappeared...I was a child, they were they adult and their childhood struggles should have not been inflicted or handed down to me. So yes, I do blame them.

My mother, yes. My dad was lovely.
She was controlling and narcissistic and he was such a gentle, easy soul, he enabled her, albeit unwittingly.
She told me she hadn't wanted a girl when l was born. Didn't even have any girls names. My auntie chose my name.
Pathologically jealous of how close my dad and l were. When l was about eight or nine, my dad and l were going out to something (which she wouldn't even have liked) and she remarked "Go on, you two bugger off. Leave Cinderella here...."
Fed me horror stories about childbirth when l was a teenager. Told me not to have children 'because they're nothing but bother'. I'm an only child.
Criticised me constantly. When l had cystic acne as a teenager, she said "Well you don't take after me, I've never had a spot in my life."
Never once appreciated that l had a brain and opinions until my dad died, then asked me constantly what she should do. Then ignored anything l said.
Took my ex's side when l told her we were splitting up because l'm 'not easy to live with'. Even though she knew there'd been abuse and rape. Which he admitted to her. She still took his side.
When l told her we were splitting up, she said "is this because YOU don't want a family?"
No. That was because she told me such horror stories l was utterly terrified of giving birth. I used to have nightmares about being heavily pregnant. .
I could go on...

Me, no. They're pretty great actually. Dh? Hell yes. His dad's behaviour is awful and his mum is such an enabler it's not funny. The latest was them cancelling (by text) an arranged meet up then 3 days later emailing to say they never see us 🤔 Batshit. Dh is this >< close to telling them he's done.

Yes, wrote a post a couple of days ago and seem to be noticing it more the last few years and since my Dd was born…I often think there’s no way she’ll have the same upbringing and I take that from it all, I can only move on in a positive way with my Dd, but yes, it hurts and messes you up big time. So sorry 😞

Exactly this and I would go further. Everyone feels 'damaged' in some way by their parents.
Its like people who say they have experienced trauma. Absolutely you have. As has everyone else.
The vast vast vast majority of us are not particularly unusually traumatised or damaged. Its the human condition. I've done my very best with DS, he, as an adult has a great life and I still would do anything for him up to and including dying in his stead of course, like most parents.
God but listen to him talking to his friends and I might as well have branded him with a hot iron. Every child thinks their parents made significant mistakes.

Oh yes. Emotionally absent/neglectful, never told I was loved/valued. Took me a long time to realise why I sought love/attention when I was growing up. Dad regularly came home pissed, then mum’s school closed and she turned to drink, blaming my dad for it, because he was so regularly pissed. My friends thought my house was the party house, I was just horribly embarrassed by my parents. My sibling and I left and moved far away asap. My not so ‘d’m can’t understand why I don’t come home every five minutes.

HNRTFT….but I personally think that so many parents have not been perfect inc me and my parents.
Just be positive and not dwell on the past . Am guessing your parents behaved in a way that was acceptable/ normal for their generation and likewise for mine.

God, you sound fucking smug.

"It's the human condition". Fuck off. It's the inhumane condition to abuse or neglect your children.

Yeah, you stupid, needy sickos, it wasn't your parents fault that they abused you, it was for your own good that they humiliated, tortured and shamed you.
Now lay off the anti-depressants and smile, smile, smile :)

Oh yes. When I was a child I thought there was something off, other families just seemed different.
Then I realised everything they did was a front, a show put on for doctors, teachers, they even fooled social workers.
By 20s I’d realised they were toxic and by 30s I’d cut them off.
My mother wasn’t just unmaternal, she was downright weird.

oh and those annoying Ukrainian children complaining about being bombed to smithereens by poor old Vladimir, do they give any consideration to the horrible childhood he had!

That's absolutely not needed here.
I understand why you posted it, but try to appreciate that we are all allowed to feel pain and grief for personal situations.
Nobody is the appointed grief and trauma monitor.

@WakingUpDistress - yes to Gabor Mate.
My sister died from cancer, and there are absolutely trauma connections.
Check out Peter Crone.
That man has such an incredible view of these things.
You will cry, and you will feel understood.

There is so much I want to say.
I can relate to every single post , from every angle.
In respect I was lucky and know my parents loved me and I had an especially loving grandmother but there was dysfunctional stuff.
Maybe every one has a similar story of one degree or another.
We ALL have stuff.
We are allowed to looked at it and be angry BUT then we need to process it and move on.
If you don't you are just staying in victim mode - stuck - alternating between depression / anger / resentment

That where taking responsibility comes in.
And it's hard
It's easier to blame mom's drinking or dads bad temper, for all your problems, than rolling your sleeves up and doing the real hard work of working on your own mental health.
Yes it's scary, and you might fail - at first.
But you need to get right back up and keep going.
Your parent may have told you , you were shit, but that was then. (They were wrong by the way)
This is now.
You need to learn how to 'parent' yourself - and that means reprogramming your inner voice -

Therapy and CBT helped me do this.
Self help books.
Ted Talks
Positive self talk
Never put yourself down (self reflection but with kindness)
When I pass a mirror I say 'hello beautiful'
My go to affirmation is:
'I am Enough '
My parents did do their best - some of it was crap - but it was a different time in the 70's.

Both were war babies.
Kids got caned at school - that's abuse now.
Homophobia was rampant as was sexism., especially in the workplace.
Such a different time.
I vowed to do it different with my kids.
My parents are both dead now.
I have actually got to the point of forgiving them and moving passed it all.
I've taken the good bits - of which they were many , and let the rest go.
I think as children we think our parents are god like and can do no wrong.
Its hard to find out they are regular human being with the usual fault and flaws and this is when, we as children, I think, certainly in my case, turn round and think 'it can't be them, it must be me'
The light bulb moment comes when we realise that lie.

Are people blaming parents for their lives or reflecting the effect the parenting they received has had on their lives?

Im currently in therapy, as a PP said I didn’t go with the intention of my childhood being on the table.

But the truth is my hatred of myself, low self esteem, high need to succeed, people pleasing and inability to fully enjoy the amazing life I have (because I never thought I’d have this) stems from what I was taught.

For me personally I feel I’m 42 and need to get over myself but it just doesn’t work like that and my hatred of myself really fucked up the past few eventful (good and bad) months.

I don’t even feel animosity towards my parents, just pity for them and indifference on my part. It took a long time to get here but now I guess I’m dealing with the legacy.

And I suspect that’s what a lot of people here are saying.

Oh and to all struggling with the legacy of how you were parented, I hope you find peace.

There’s a lot of surprising gaslighting on here, ‘they did their best’ ffs, would we ever tell an abused wife that?

So why do some feel that way re the treatment of vulnerable children?

(I am at peace with my childhood and have firm boundaries in place with my parents. but I am slowly recognising the legacy it has had on me, how I treat myself and that’s what I’m trying to sort)

Yes, being forced to put your hand in a pan of boiling water is just the human condition, as is broken ribs, black eyes, being starved, being denied insulin. But hey, I just think my parents made mistakes, my bad.

I suspect the gaslighters will have adult children who come to realise they were abused, neglected and manipulated by their parents.

Yes absolutely can relate to this. It’s strange I’d always thought of my childhood as happy and contented but when I had my own baby PND hit me like a freight train and so much came to the surface that I had suppressed.

My parents absolutely did the best they could. Their chidhoods were abusive in places and littered with MH issues. I don’t judge them at all and totally acccept them the way they are and what they could offer me….but I’m also ok with acknowledging now that it wasn’t enough.

My emotional needs routinely haven’t been met adequately and as the eldest of 4 I’ve always had to suck it up and repress as there was always someone more needy than me. Even now when I went through my depression my parents couldn’t accept it fully or offer any meaningful support. I’ve never felt safe in my body or my life as I had to figure so much out on my own (my dad was a workaholic and mum had 4 kids with no support so was left to my own devices a lot).

I love my parents and understanding why I am the way I am has helped me a lot. I would say I feel less close to them now but more empathy for them.

Having kids is hard and even the most well meaning people can let their kids down.

My focus now with my daughter is to help her feel safe and to be emotionally available to the full spectrum of her emotions.

such an interesting thread OP thank you x