Have any of you woken up to how bad your parents were?

[WakingUpDistress]

Having counselling atm for very unrelated things.

Im just realising how dysfunctional my family was. I mean I was well looked after, parents were supportive, only child. There is nothing that I would have said was unusual. My dad has been depressed like forever and my mum has always been anxious. But then who isn’t?

Im in my mid 50s and I’m slowly realising that actually things weren’t good.
My mum has always been emotionally unavailable. I was expected to be perfect as a child (even dreaming to have a sibling just so that it would be obvious I didn’t need to be that perfect iyswim). I was expected to be independent, to act more like an adult than a child. And I was. The number if times I have been praised for being so mature!
But when things got tricky there was no one. No one to tell me about periods and how to deal with them (was just handed a packet of pads). No one to tell me to brush my teeth. Or to have a shower everyday. No one to tell me about my grand father dying. But I was expected to somehow not cry or ask anything when he did. Instead I was told that I really needed to be mindful at how hard it was for my mum. I was 15yo.
My dad has always gone into rages. (Even more so nowadays). All brushed under the carpet because he had such a hard childhood and ‘you need to let it go’.
And the shame. The general feeling of shame and not being good enough. Always me not being good enough when things go wrong.

It surprises me at how much there is. How much I’ve ignored/not realised, probably because it was my normal. But I didn’t really realise how dysfunctional everything was even when I had my own dcs.

How could I not? Why did it take so long for me to realise?

Anyone else in a similar boat?

I wish I had had that lightbulb moment after my first was born….

Does your counsellor do Inner Child work? That might unlock those buried emotions.

I can relate to so much of this.

I'm quite offended by the victim blaming posts. Bully for you that you had other protective factors which lessened the impact of fleeting abuse and harmful behaviours.

I never knew a day without fear until I left home. I genuinely thought I'd be murdered before I could escape.

I'm a fucked up mess as an adult.

I have multiple health problems, have been depressed for 30+ years and have been suicidal more times than I can count.

I have actually forgiven them. But that doesn't stop the lack of basic adult functioning I have. It's a half life.

It took me having my own kids to realise how crap my parents were. Narcissistic mother. Enabling emotionally absent weak father who even after they separated always took her side, never looked out for me. Also an only child. Regularly told how 'lucky' I was that they had chosen not to abort me.
Made to feel I was in the way as a teenager when both were actively enjoying new relationships. I overheard them fighting once, after they'd separated, over who wouldn't have me for the holidays cos neither wanted me around!
Left to my own devices as a teenager to the point where parents of my friends were concerned that I was neglected.
Then like a switch. As soon as I was an adult (I'm talking young adult, say 23), I was expected to be the doting attentive daughter. No support for me as a young mum. All about my mum's needs. Regularly pitting herself / her needs against my DC so that I would have to choose who to look after.
Took me until age 42 to fully realise just how selfish she was and that she was a narcissist. Daughters of narcissist mothers was an incredibly helpful website. She never ever apologised let alone acknowledged anything. Would just cry crocodile tears if I tried to discuss things from my childhood and said she couldn't remember, would say why was I being so horrible, somehow it was always about her and her needs. Yet fucked off on holiday when both my kids were due to be born. Etc etc
Used to tell people what a bad daughter I was. In the end I stopped trying cos she thought I was bad anyway!
Took me until I was late 40s to truly comprehend just how neglectful my upbringing had been when I was the named DSL on a safeguarding case which was uncannily similar to my upbringing. (I had to come off the case.)
So for those who say, it's just part of life. No, no it isn't.
I never managed to resolve things with my mum and my dad is completely emotionally stunted and unavailable. When my mum died, I was very angry initially but I wrote her a letter expressing everything I felt I had wanted to say to her but that she had never listened to, and I am now in a place of forgiveness. But it took her passing away, time and counselling to get there.

Does anyone’s sibling/siblings have a different memory to you. For example, my younger sister isn’t as messed up as me and missed out on lots of things and although she takes my side and is v supportive, she doesn’t seem to have the same sort of relationship issues as I do with my parents. They seem to act differently with her, she gives them much less, as in doesn’t try to please them, barely offers a cup of coffee when they come round (she’s just rubbish like that 🤣) whereas I cook meals and take them places etc and I’m the one who’s not good enough

Allweate - yes. While one sibling is totally aware of how abusive parent is and was, another sibling just glosses over and invalidates when we have shared memories 'oh you know what they're like' which is incredulous. Its not unusal for siblings to enable and defend. One of the hallmarks of a parent with a disordered personality is difficult sibling relationships. It hurts but I consider my friends my chosen siblings. There is a definite distance and while I was and do accept her different narrative it seems like mine is difficult for her to acknowledge hence she keeps me at a firm arms length. I imagine it's difficult for her too and I am more and more at peace about how things are as time moves on.

Yes.

My older brother has almost no memories at all of our childhood (and I find this quite sad, because we were close as children, but now it is a bit like talking to a stranger). My younger brother has quite openly said he doesn't believe our parents ever did anything bad, thinks it's all fine, etc. etc. I am never sure how much this is a coping strategy or how much he genuinely had a different experience.

I have two siblings

1. absolutely convinced that only THEY had a bad childhood and only THEY suffered. Refuses to acknowledge anyone else's experience. Generally a massive arsehole

2. I only got close to the other a decade ago, and was very surprised to find we had such common views. In general they are pragmatic about it, but far more scathing about it than me

siblings - I found this interesting

twitter.com/thefinefeminine/status/1581387530825773056?s=46&t=XGmqfa7JlrKdYBzjTLN7Yg

My DB would barely talk to my dad, he never called him dad he called him by his name. My dad was critical of both of us, but possibly him more so, my brother was good at football but in the end stopped playing, (even though my dad set up a whole village team for him!) because of my dad's attitude to him. My brother has been ill all of his life with constant vomiting, but the doctors have never really worked out what's caused it, I think it's trauma-related, possibly to do with his vagal nerve, but my brother isn't interested and just wants a medical explanation. We have similar memories but I think I had it worse in lots of ways because I was the oldest and so my parents relied on me in a way that they didn't rely on him, also I tried to be protective of him, and although my emotional regulation was really poor probably him having me there made a little bit of difference whereas I had no one. My brother is quite prickly about things, and although we sort of get on and share a sense of humour, our relationship does feel strained. Also I have done and am doing a lot of care for my parents, but he has done very little, so that also makes things awkward.

My Mum and brother had a much more volatile relationship growing up, I was much more frightened and anxious whereas he'd answer back and stand up to her. He left home earlier than me and had a family much earlier. Mum behaves very differently towards him - he rings her infrequently and she's always incredibly grateful because he's so 'busy' (he has a family and a job, so do I!) whereas I get berated if I don't phone regularly. On the few occasions in the last 15 years when we've all been together it's noticeable that the theatrical moaning and groaning she does doesn't happen if he's there. It's for my benefit!

She does have very antiquated views on the differing roles of sons and daughters(!). He also doesn't pick up on a lot of things whereas I seem to be primed to detect any slight mood change or nuance! Although I try to ignore those now and stop reacting to her.

My parents did their best. They were incredibly busy and I was left to my own devices and became quite isolated when I was young. This lead onto problems at school but I was so worried they’d be ashamed of me and stop loving me if they knew how I felt about it all that I kept it to myself and it all snowballed. I got branded “the problem” but was to embarrassed and ashamed to admit how distraught and unhappy I was at the relentless and cruel bullying I suffered my entire school life. To this day I have learnt to hold in my emotions within and can bury the most intense of feelings because I am ashamed to show emotion.

It’s backfired as my self-esteem is absolutely in the pits and now I can’t tackle my intense self loathing in the way I used to. It’s getting much harder as I get older.

It is so complicated, but I just don’t feel I can blame my parents.

I think it is a cop-out to say that this type of parents ''did their best''.

It is just basic childcare to make sure your kid is clean, learns about personal hygiene and is able to feel safe in the home.

@Cleotolstoy So true...my mother gets very vicious and nasty if we (myself, my two brothers) even dare to suggest our childhood was less than perfect.

Linked to that, @Allweatewasspaghettihoops , I'm 'lucky' that both my brothers - one older, one younger - both agree that our parents were shit and so was our childhood. My older brother has in fact gone more or less no contact with our mother because of it...and he was the 'golden child' growing up. Both myself and my younger brother are low contact with her...none of us have had children of our own.

He must have great insight to see things clearly when he is tge golden child.
My brother thinks we had a great childhood and that im mad.

I think 2ww trauma combined with zero understanding of mental health issues, plus a stiff upper lip attitude really did a number on that generation of parents, who then brought their kids up to be tough, just get on with things etc....

Now we're stuck with the fallout of that strange, aggressive style of parenting which just couldn't cope with any emotion.

Another useful book if your parents don't quite fit the 'narcissistic' category is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Explains the damage that emotional immaturity causes, and has some good suggestions on making peace with what has happened, and how to continue a relationship with those parents without being drawn into old patterns.

My DM grew up during WW2 somewhere that was badly bombed. After the main bombing she was then evacuated and went to seven different schools before she was 11 years old. You can see how all that would have caused trauma, but because she didn't have me until she was 36, it wasn't the experience of any of my contemporaries and my brother and I used to roll our eyes at any mention of the war, which they did mention a lot. My dad was too poor to be evacuated so he remained in the city whilst it was bombed, and I always felt more sorry for him, but I read research a lot later that showed that obviously as long as you weren't injured, the kids who stayed with their families had better emotional outcomes and those who were evacuated, obvious really. My mum is very anxious and over-plans for absolutely everything, she just says it's a sensible behaviour rather than anything that is problematic, but it's exhausting for living with somebody who feels that there is only one right way if only you can find it to stop bad things happening. Oh my dad side of the whole history of alcoholism, domestic violence, poverty, suicide, gambling and crime, so I can understand why my parents are like they are, but neither of them have really acknowledged that they have issues that have affected us.

Wow! reading the comments here I realise I was pretty lucky to have had adequate if not perfect parents. I think it’s not until you bring your kids up yourself you realise how difficult a job parenting is. You look back on your own upbringing and frankly I’m grateful for the things my parents did right and I’m not gonna blame them for the things I did wrong because I made a load of mistakes as a parent myself. I think today it’s fashionable to look back and blame everyone else but I think it’s better to be thankful that mum and dad stayed together and provided for us, etc. They were far from perfect but they did their best. Hope my kids say the same about me

@Kellie45 would you feel the same if the one thing your parents got wrong was decades of unconscious projection or invalidation? Or giving you the silent treatment when you tried to raise the fact that you were a 3d human being not the part they wrote.
My parents feel like you. They did everything right and I'm attacking them. I just wanted them to listen for five minutes. To see my perspective, no, to understand that my perspective is a thing.
It's easy to stand in judgement when your normal-not-perfect parents didn't invalidate you and erode you.

A lot of my friends are like me and have an imperfection of sorts. Lateness, flakiness, whatever, this is different.

I could forgive my parents a lot, even decades of projection but I couldn't overlook them attacking me when I raised it. Classic DARVO I now know.
Why have kids if you want to drive them to a therapist just to avoid a minute's self-reflection?

Also I wish my parents had split up because they have a very dysfunctional dynamic. My dad backs up mum no matter how illogical, controlling, silencing, cold, victim-beast she is being so it has been double dysfunction the whole way along.
It might have been good for my mother to have a partner who challenged her view of herself occasionally and my father might have become strong on his own. But they stayed to gether, feeling proud of that. Shaming me for not doing the same.
The dysfunction is horrible but you might as well ask a blind person to see purple as ask my parents to understand that my perspective exists outside of the context of how it hurts mum

I take the view that while I might not be able to help who I am and the way I was brought up, I can help what I am going to be. That is my responsibility. Why do you feel it so necessary to confront your parents?

@Kellie45 what @J0yful describes is an abusive upbringing. Why should parents not be called to account for abusive behaviour? There is a huge gulf between 'imperfect parents' and 'deeply abusive parents' and you seem unable to empathise with this.

So how do you think making your parents pay for the way they brought you up will do any good?

Yes, since becoming a parent even more so. I'm Mid-40's. I don't have time for therapy at the moment but someone posted on here a podcast series 'in-sight' and it's been really helpful

Thank you for this, I'm going to order it.