Have any of you woken up to how bad your parents were?

[WakingUpDistress]

Having counselling atm for very unrelated things.

Im just realising how dysfunctional my family was. I mean I was well looked after, parents were supportive, only child. There is nothing that I would have said was unusual. My dad has been depressed like forever and my mum has always been anxious. But then who isn’t?

Im in my mid 50s and I’m slowly realising that actually things weren’t good.
My mum has always been emotionally unavailable. I was expected to be perfect as a child (even dreaming to have a sibling just so that it would be obvious I didn’t need to be that perfect iyswim). I was expected to be independent, to act more like an adult than a child. And I was. The number if times I have been praised for being so mature!
But when things got tricky there was no one. No one to tell me about periods and how to deal with them (was just handed a packet of pads). No one to tell me to brush my teeth. Or to have a shower everyday. No one to tell me about my grand father dying. But I was expected to somehow not cry or ask anything when he did. Instead I was told that I really needed to be mindful at how hard it was for my mum. I was 15yo.
My dad has always gone into rages. (Even more so nowadays). All brushed under the carpet because he had such a hard childhood and ‘you need to let it go’.
And the shame. The general feeling of shame and not being good enough. Always me not being good enough when things go wrong.

It surprises me at how much there is. How much I’ve ignored/not realised, probably because it was my normal. But I didn’t really realise how dysfunctional everything was even when I had my own dcs.

How could I not? Why did it take so long for me to realise?

Anyone else in a similar boat?

I said as a teen I did not want to have children in case they turned out like me, although I did have them young.

Once I had children I understood how hard being a parent is and warmed towards my parents but got really fed up with my mother's criticism and lies to other family members. I did as I was told, did my mother's xmases sacrificing the family ones I wanted and slowly started seeing their mistakes and vowed not to repeat them.

The final straw was when a family member was staying with my parents and their children we extremely poorly behaved. All of a sudden, rather than being bitched about, I was being bitched to. My mum was saying what a good parent I was and how wonderfully behaved my children are, but it was too late. I no longer wanted her praise now I had it.

I despise my parents now and how they made my whole family, me included, think I was a terrible person. I have even started to suspect that my mother had a form of Munchausen's by proxy or whatever they call it now. So I'm also very distrustful of doctors!

Thinking about what might have been is the road to madness. We are where we are and coming to terms with a dysfunctional childhood and ensuring you can move past that to a point of acceptance from where you can begin to heal is moving forward.

My father was abusive my mother didn't protect me, and I left with a bag at 17. 40 years later and I've come to terms with it, but as pp said, it takes a lot of working through and it's never too late. It took me until my 30s before I developed self-esteem.

But that's exactly it, and I'm only a year and a half into that process, so telling me therapy doesn't help and I need to step up and take responsibility as per pp is not helpful. I will get there now I know what I'm dealing with, but just not yet 😉

People are human and have their own quirks, even if you don't make the same 'mistakes' parenting as your parents did (any extreme abuse aside), you will make what your children will deem to be just as terrible mistakes and will hold that against you in the future, so I say, let go of the judgement, recognise their shortcomings and don't be disappointed by them.

Well said. Unless parent were abusive then they were just doing the best they could with what they knew. Why do people these days look for someone else to blame for every issue in their lives?

Why do you think it’s all about blame @onlythreenow ?

Well said. Unless parent were abusive then they were just doing the best they could with what they knew. Why do people these days look for someone else to blame for every issue in their lives?

It's not about blame, it's about understanding what happened to us that has influenced our lives, a lot of it unconscious thoughts, attitudes and behaviours that aren't going to go away without inquiry.

Wow. Just wow........

Complete and utter bullshit post.

"the parents were doing what they thought was best at the time." - fuck that for a game of soldiers, learn to hate them with a violent passion, otherwise you'll end up blaming yourself which is probably what you've done your whole life.

"My advice is not to dwell on the past. You can't change it." - and how the fuck do you heal without looking at the past and feeling the anger and rage you couldn't feel as a child.
Read some Alice Miller books, get yourself a good trauma psychotherapist (please don't waste your time on CBT).

Years down the line, when you are healed you can consider what their motivations were, but for now you just need to take care of yourself and your inner child.

Your post really resonates with me.

I always thought I had a lovely childhood with parents who loved and cared for me.

If I examine it, my mother was emotionally unavailable. I was always clean and fed, she made our clothes and was a bit of an 'Earth type' but my mum never told me she loved me. I was also handed a box of tampax when I told her I'd got my first period. Then a few days later drawn a picture of how ovaries and periods worked. My dad was at work and very much a Disney dad, but he had a terrible temper, holes in doors and days out ruined by his temper. But everyone loved him, and still does. During my teenage days I was left to just 'get on with it' I was a wild child and a nightmare teenager, probably due to the fact that I was allowed to stay out all day and never really encouraged to spend time with them. My mum had an affair and left for 6 weeks, I was left with my dad who used me as a sounding board about how he was feeling. She came back and I didn't speak to her properly for years.

As an adult they've not had a great deal to do with me, when I told her I was pregnant, her first words were 'don't think mum looking after it' and have moved 6 hours away.

To the outside world they look like the perfect parents.

Wow that was cathartic

@onlythreenow perhaps you could explain what you mean by "extreme abuse", and why you have come onto a thread about being abused in childhood by parents.

As an adult they've not had a great deal to do with me, when I told her I was pregnant, her first words were 'don't think mum looking after it'

My DM said this! Though actually she's been a really good grandma, which has been quite a healing experience - sorry yours hasn't. The first thing she said though was "Who's is it?" (I was in a relationship at the time!)

Just realizing that I didn’t react as strongly as a few other posters to @onlythreenow post.

Then realised that the whole ‘Why do people these days look for someone else to blame for every issue in their lives?’ is what I’ve heard from my parents like forever…
A lot if a ‘if you don’t look, it doesn’t exist’ attitude that has caused many problems in the past.

@WizardOfUK , my mum’s reaction to me telling her I was getting married was:
‘good. Someone to look after you’
I still don’t understand why she thought I needed to be looked after!

My experience is slightly different in that I had a lot of resentment and anger towards my parents when I was a teen/early 20’s for various reasons. It’s only since having a child myself that I’ve really realised that parents are just normal people with messed up backgrounds, fears, worries, hopes and dreams like everyone else. It’s made me feel a lot more empathetic towards them because (in my case) they just tried their best with the information they had to date.

Obviously they didn’t get it right all the time but I probably won’t either with my son and I really hope he doesn’t look back on his childhood and need therapy for it.

However, some posters have clearly had terrible childhoods and I have nothing but sympathy for those that have opened up about their experiences on this thread.

Blame was really strong in my family, and still is, always looking for it to be someone's fault rather than it just being one of those things - my DM still comes out with various "Do you think you shouldn't have done that?" type questions when things haven't gone to plan. It's one of the things that makes me feel stabby! She really over-plans things and is obsessive over making the "right" decision, maybe partly from her childhood being bombed during WW2 where there really were life and death situations, but also my dad would get furious if anything went wrong, so probably to avoid his wrath too.

I hear you. I'm 41 and have the last couple of years realized the same. I cannot imagine letting my DC experience the same. It was a difficult situation and dm did the best she could.

Yes but only relatively recently.

Up until recently I remembered everything that went wrong during childhood as my fault. I now realise that things happened due to neglect; either genuine neglect (breaking things when left unsupervised at very young age) or neglect in upbringing (not knowing how to be a good friend).

However, I'm glad this has only just occurred to me recently. My sister has spent most of her life blaming our parents for her problems. I do now realise she's probably right but by being the victim it seemed to give her permission not to deal with the outcome so now in her 50s she's had a pretty poor life and still blames the parents.

In their defense both my parents had poor parents themselves, and my mother had deep, debilitating depression which was only recognised in her 50s whilst my father worked absolutely every hour to keep the wolf from the door.

They never really seemed to want children and probably shouldn't have had them. They do dote on the grandkids but we have to be very careful about what they are teaching them (selfishness, greed, casual hatred towards certain groups).

Neglectful and abusive parents don't suddenly stop when you're an adult, it will chance shape but it will still be painful and confusing. I know I would never tell someone in a romantic relationship with someone who can't love them or be interested in them to just accept it because no one is perfect. There's a great talk on Ted x about childhood ACE's and why many people chide those of us not to examine our childhoods. It scares people and I've found one of the biggest barriers for people is premptively knowing they may need to tackle ways they have harmed their own children if they start to heal their core wounds.

I am an only too with a tricky upbringing, with a mum who is very emotionally reliant on me. The thing you said about being perfect really hit home for me during covid when I could not see them and did not have to create the perfect Easter, perfect Mother’s Day, perfect birthdays, the relief that the pressure was not there was huge, I felt free. As there is only me they expect too much of me and I feel I always failing.

I can relate so much to your post. i never really realised my parents were like this until fairly recently. I think it was just my normal and didn’t know any different. Growing up my parents never showed any interest in school, they never asked how my day was, never asked how my exams went. They never chatted to me or showed any interest in what my interests were. They never congratulated me on exam results, finishing school, finishing college or uni. I can’t tell you of a time ever in childhood or adulthood where i remember either of my parents telling me they loved me.
I never spoke to my parents about boys, periods, friends… they never asked.
In the last few months I have went thru the most difficult period of my life. My whole life literally fell apart. Not once have either of my parents messaged/called me to check in and see how I am. To ask how I’m doing, if I need anything. I started a new job recently and they didn’t say congratulations, good luck, they didn’t ask how my first day/week went. I was devastated. I have my own dc and I keep thinking, if they went thru what I have I would be calling them every day, checking in to make sure they are ok and seeing if they need anything. I will be so excited for them if they go to college or uni, when they do their exams. I love to chat to them and find out how their day was. What their likes and dislikes are. What their dreams for the future are. My parents never did this. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t go without, I had food on the table, clothes etc but emotionally I was very much on my own.
Its been upsetting me recently a lot, especially the last few months, I’ve been very reflective and have seen things for what they are. I’m early 40’s by the way.
It sucks and you have my sympathy

Yes I have totally woken up to this this year although the realisation has been building in me for some time.

I can definitely relate to feeling a loneliness, feeling a deep sense of lack of love, feeling never good enough, feeling never spoken to of anything important etc. I do feel that I have missed out on something by not having a close parental relationship - especially with mum - that I have always craved.

However my mum's childhood was majorly abusive, she was beaten regularly by both of her parents and was completely broken herself and never sought any help which was common in those days. I know she loves me in her way from a distance. My mum has never hit me so I think she felt that was progress, compared to what she went through.

Of course, this has all led to a lack of love for myself and a constant search outside of myself for relationships to make me feel love, a susceptibility to love bombing and narcissists all of that. I can see that now. Love bombing is catnip to me because in the past it has made me feel the love I was craving so much.

But rather than be bitter towards my parents in what is probably the last decade of their lives, I have made some sort of a peace with how I was brought up. No it didn't meet my needs, yes I feel like an orphan a lot of the time but I have a completely different relationship with my kids and I would say i am a better mother because I know how it is to have a not so good one.

I have had to stand on my own two feet from an early age so am resilient, I am driven and hardworking. I love people a lot because I know how it feels to not feel love.

I am trying to change the intergenerational pattern basically. But I have decided to like and love myself from now on especially because I never had that and i can finally now say I feel I really do deserve it.

I agree with much that has been said and I know there are many that have had difficult childhoods.
However as a child in the 70s I do believe parents then did not have the knowledge parents might have today about things
To my mind parents then did not have knowledge of Nero diversity stranger danger paedophilia health and safety healthy eating the need to drink water and take it with you on days out the need for suncream the importance of schooling and showing interest in this the need at times to actually be a parent and spend time with their children
Its not excuses but Parents just d id the best they could at that time with the knowledge they had. it doesnt make it right and there was a lot of damage caused. However it was a completely different era and I am hopeful that parenting today has improved greatly
Sadly I believe to this day these parents were simply unaware of their lack.of parenting skills and the damage it could cause

Very similar to you, OP. It all started to unravel in my 30s when I looked around and realised people do have better/less weird? less difficult? don't know how best to describe this parents. Mine are similar to yours. Lots to discuss there. But anyway, getting married was an eye opener, then being pregnant and baby loss, then being pregnant successfully and becoming a mother myself. I hope I am not going to be like them, I am genuinely working hard not to be.

But yes, you're not alone. As children we often don't have any comparison and the lightbulb moment comes many years later.

Therapy shone a dazzlingly bright spotlight on my childhood (while I was busy thinking I was there for an entirely different issue). Once seen you cannot un-see it, though, which can be very difficult at times.

I'm the other way around. I used to think they were terrible but now think they were doing their best and sometimes failing.