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Original poster

Is this controlling/jealousy?

82 replies

canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:23

So this evening is one of many evenings where my partner has got annoyed due to dd’s sleeping habits. She gets out of bed a couple of times because she struggles to settle and because it’s Friday I let her stay up later and we’ve been having a cuddle, film and sweets etc.

Just now, we literally got into bed and she heard us laughing and obviously had a bit of fomo. She came in the bedroom and my partner went silent and was clearly unhappy because dd was asking to sleep in my room. He said “if she stays in here then I’m going home”.

Dd is 8 and as I say, this isn’t the first time he’s been unable to tolerate things like this. Before him it was just me and her, so even though we’ve been together 2 years this is still a big transition. I said that she won’t be, but did he have to react in that way?

I’ve also recently started a new job, and he asks at least once a week whether people (men) have been asking me anything. This is all because one of them made a crude comment in my first week there which I told him as I found it odd, and he’s been seething about it ever since. This morning he asked me again via text, and I was already late and rushing into work so didn’t get chance to reply. So obviously he took this the wrong way and he was very cold with me.

We can be so good sometimes but then other times it’s like this and I hate it.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 14/10/2022 22:28

I don’t think him saying that he doesn’t want your daughter to stay/sleep in the same room as you both is really that unreasonable, it would be odd if she did.

In terms of him asking about comments at work, does seem strange that he’s still asking about one particular incident, have you told him it’s nothing and asked him to drop it?

I don’t see these two things as connected.

Popvan · 14/10/2022 22:30

“if she stays in here then I’m going home”.
Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.

Hotandbothereds · 14/10/2022 22:33

Popvan · 14/10/2022 22:30

“if she stays in here then I’m going home”.
Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out.

It would be odd for the OPs boyfriend to sleep in a room if her daughter was there too though, surely?

whenwillthemadnessend · 14/10/2022 22:35

I'd be super pissed if my partner said that in front of my dd. Puts you in a impossible position.

I assume you don't live together if he can go home so he isn't a step dad. Just a boyfriend.

the work place jealousy is definitely not on either.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:40

Sometimes he’s great with dd but then other times he’s an arse and I feel as though he resents the fact that I my time isn’t solely on him. He’s said that he just wanted to relax and that we were trying to get to sleep which is not true at all. We’d literally just got into bed.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 14/10/2022 22:41

Why are you putting up with a relationship that you hate? Are you going to be one of those women who live their whole lives on the crumbs of their partner occasionally being good to them? Are you going to spend all your time twisting and turning and creeping about on eggshells to try to make the 'good' times happen?

Why are you attracted to a grown man who sulks at you? If your toddler did that you would laugh at them. Or are you becoming slowly addicted to trying to convince him How Good you are, and to showing him that you are Worthy and Trying Hard and Being Understanding.

Oh, and trying to understand Why. The answer to why he is a tosser is because he is a tosser, and tossers toss. That is what they do. You don't need to know any more than that.

Show him the door.

Guavafish1 · 14/10/2022 22:49

I don’t think your daughter should sleep in the same bed as your partner. If she wants to snuggle then best both sleep in her room.

He shouldn’t be off with you because of someone else’s comments. That behaviour is controlling but you need a proper conversation about it and you need to express how uncomfortable his behaviour around this subject makes you feel. He does seem unsupportive

Original poster
canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:49

It’s true that the good times are few and far between. We have a great weekend and then the next 3 can be average at best, and then we’ll have an argument over something ridiculous. I do find myself walking on eggshells to keep him happy and not trigger a certain response but I think I’m used to that from childhood. It’s just so tiring.

At what point do you say enough is enough?

OP posts:
YoSofi · 14/10/2022 22:49

Why are you with a man that sometimes resents your child?

hellosunshineagainxxx · 14/10/2022 22:52

Put you DD first and get rid of this man. Yes it is correct he should not want her in the bed and its understandable for him to maybe feel frustrated but he shouldn't be taking it out on you and her, that's just life with kids. The work stuff is weird too.

Catlover1970 · 14/10/2022 22:53

I think your boyfriend has a point… however,,the rest of the relationship sounds a bit shit tbh

crystalize · 14/10/2022 22:53

Yep jealous, insecure and controlling. Good you are now recognising it. Imagine how yr DD felt hearing him say that.

I had an ex who resented time I spent with my DS. He too was a sulky insecure twat. It lasted almost 2 years until I realised what he was doing. Thank god you don't live together.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:54

He strongly denies that he sometimes resents her, and I’m unsure whether it’s just me who’s fiercely protective of her. I guess I’m just so hyper aware of not letting a man come before her that sometimes I go too far the other way, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Loachworks · 14/10/2022 22:54

To me there's two issues. She shouldn't be asking to share a bed that you and your boyfriend are in, secondly if he does resent her you should be putting her first.

Shodan · 14/10/2022 22:56

I agree with him about your DD coming into the bedroom.

But the rest is definitely stuff you should dump him for though.

Haffiana · 14/10/2022 23:10

canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:54

He strongly denies that he sometimes resents her, and I’m unsure whether it’s just me who’s fiercely protective of her. I guess I’m just so hyper aware of not letting a man come before her that sometimes I go too far the other way, if that makes sense.

Stop asking him his opinion about his behaviour. Just stop that - it is you asking for reassurance and permission, and you wanting to believe him, and all of that will mess your head up. And frankly, what has his opinion about it got to do with anything?

Start asking yourself how YOU are feeling about it. You are a mother, and feeling protective is what you should be doing. Feeling repulsed by a grown man sulking is perfectly normal. Feeling anxious and wanting to make everything all right for a sulking adult man is not normal.

You don't have to fix it all for him you know, you just have to be honest about what you feel and give yourself permission to feel it.

Hotandbothereds · 15/10/2022 07:51

I don’t think he was wrong about not wanting your daughter sleeping in the same room as you both, surely you can see that would be inappropriate for your daughter?

But walking on eggshells around him and all the rest of it sounds miserable & enough reason to end the relationship anyway.

GroggyLegs · 15/10/2022 08:05

Never mind the issue with your daughter, the jealousy thing is enough on its own.
Texting you to get to to reassure him nobody's said anything inappropriate at work that week? Honestly, I'd be beyond pissed off with that insecure, controlling shit - it's so deeply unattractive.

I do find myself walking on eggshells to keep him happy and not trigger a certain response.

This is unhealthy & exhausting. You hate it.

Is this who you want to make a life with?

Original poster
canthinkofone · 15/10/2022 08:23

I love him and there are good points. But I think ultimately I know that this jealous/insecure behaviour will continue and probably only get worse. It really is unattractive and absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 15/10/2022 08:29

canthinkofone · 15/10/2022 08:23

I love him and there are good points. But I think ultimately I know that this jealous/insecure behaviour will continue and probably only get worse. It really is unattractive and absolutely ridiculous.

You don’t want to be living your life walking on eggshells forever, the relationship as a whole doesn’t sound like it’s making you happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 08:36

"I do find myself walking on eggshells to keep him happy and not trigger a certain response but I think I’m used to that from childhood".

So your childhood was pretty much similar then. Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for living in fear.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you about relationships?. Is this man really a continuation of how one or other parent behaved towards you here?. We tend to gravitate towards familiarity.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Do you love him or are you confusing that state with codependency?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. Do you really want to impart a similar sort of damaging shit to her as what was taught by your parents?. I would think not. End the relationship and be on your own; its better than being with a man who is also a piss poor example of a pseudo stepfather to your DD.

And what Haffiana wrote earlier.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 08:44

There are many red flags about this man, not least of all his incessant questioning re what men have been saying to you (he likely thinks you've been encouraging them) and he needs to be out of your life as a result. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

And when you are on your own consider therapy to address and unlearn all the crap you were told about you from childhood. Love your own self for a change and read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 15/10/2022 08:53

@AttilaTheMeerkat I guess the main thing I get out of the relationship is companionship. I have zero family and only 1 close friend, so he’s all I have besides my daughter obviously. I think there are definitely elements of codependency, which could be mistaken for love. I care for him and we do have good times. But I don’t know if that’s enough. I’m terrified of being alone forever, and if I end this relationship then I don’t know how I’d cope alone. That’s really sad isn’t it?

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 15/10/2022 08:59

He resents your DD and it will only get worse. Trust me I know from experience. I’d personally recommend you end things. Yes it is controlling re asking constantly about men at work etc. How would he react if you went out after work with colleagues? Would he get jealous and sulky

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/10/2022 09:01

He is frankly not much of a companion to you either. An animal would be a better companion!.

You would not be on your own if you left this relationship; you still have your child here and she also deserves to learn a better set of lessons on relationships from you. Better to be on your own too than to be as badly accompanied as you are now.

What's supposedly so awful about being on your own too?. You're lonely within this supposed relationship now because he cannot and actually will not give you what you need from it.