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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this controlling/jealousy?

82 replies

canthinkofone · 14/10/2022 22:23

So this evening is one of many evenings where my partner has got annoyed due to dd’s sleeping habits. She gets out of bed a couple of times because she struggles to settle and because it’s Friday I let her stay up later and we’ve been having a cuddle, film and sweets etc.

Just now, we literally got into bed and she heard us laughing and obviously had a bit of fomo. She came in the bedroom and my partner went silent and was clearly unhappy because dd was asking to sleep in my room. He said “if she stays in here then I’m going home”.

Dd is 8 and as I say, this isn’t the first time he’s been unable to tolerate things like this. Before him it was just me and her, so even though we’ve been together 2 years this is still a big transition. I said that she won’t be, but did he have to react in that way?

I’ve also recently started a new job, and he asks at least once a week whether people (men) have been asking me anything. This is all because one of them made a crude comment in my first week there which I told him as I found it odd, and he’s been seething about it ever since. This morning he asked me again via text, and I was already late and rushing into work so didn’t get chance to reply. So obviously he took this the wrong way and he was very cold with me.

We can be so good sometimes but then other times it’s like this and I hate it.

OP posts:
Hotandbothereds · 16/10/2022 09:12

canthinkofone · 15/10/2022 20:38

He's asking me whether I’ll tell him if anyone ever makes another jokey comment. I’ve said no because it’s completely irrelevant and not worth mentioning. So now I’m a liar and he won’t be with a liar 🤔

Take this as a great opportunity to call it all off, he’s absolutely controlling, possessive, and he’s isolated you from your friends.

Tell him yes, this is over!

The friends you’ve lost touch with, you could pick up with them again, you deserve better that this man and you’ve seen right through him now.

LovelyChicken · 16/10/2022 09:20

If you leave him - which you absolutely should - this doesn't mean you will be by yourself forever. You can re-build your friendships, find new ones, another relationship if you want. He is a nasty, abusive, controlling prick. There are people out there who are nice!

whenwillthemadnessend · 16/10/2022 09:30

Crikey. For your update I'd say it's worse than expected.

Please show your dd you are a strong women who can be alone. This man isn't worth it and it will get worse over time. You don't even live together yet.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 11:32

I have undoubtedly become codependent. The thought of ending it terrifies me but I know that this isn’t healthy. I’m just so sad that I’ve given this my all and it’s still not enough

OP posts:
Haffiana · 16/10/2022 12:16

canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 11:32

I have undoubtedly become codependent. The thought of ending it terrifies me but I know that this isn’t healthy. I’m just so sad that I’ve given this my all and it’s still not enough

The main part of your codependency is this exactly this effort of giving it your all - it is this that gives you a feeling that you are a good person. It is your 'reward', this feeling that you are a good partner who makes so, so many sacrifices.

The truth is that it utterly damages you and it also damages your partner in codependence. It keeps you in the codependent relationship.

When you finally step away, you will spend a period of time really craving that feeling about yourself as someone who endures all that hurt, who sacrifices. Like any addict, it will call you back really strongly and you will be in danger of allowing yourself to be persuaded by whatever nonsense your partner will come out with as to why you should be together. It won't be that he persuaded you, it won't be because you are lonely, it will be because you miss your fix, and you are afraid that you don't have any value if not as a giver of your all.

But this lasts only for a short time. The feeling of being free, of finding your true inner strength and self rather than the false sacrificing mask and role will be so worth it.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 14:50

He’s asking if I’ve spoke to people about this and I told him I’d spoken to a close friend. He said he gets the feeling that I’ve spoken to more people, and is now relentlessly questioning me as to who I’ve told and who knows about our relationship. this is not normal behaviour is it?

OP posts:
Haffiana · 16/10/2022 14:52

He is telling you "It is our little secret" OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2022 14:52

No it’s not normal behaviour at all. This man really wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Tsort · 16/10/2022 14:54

canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 14:50

He’s asking if I’ve spoke to people about this and I told him I’d spoken to a close friend. He said he gets the feeling that I’ve spoken to more people, and is now relentlessly questioning me as to who I’ve told and who knows about our relationship. this is not normal behaviour is it?

Stop tolerating this. You have agency in your life. You don’t need to be passive while an idiot treats you like this, you can refuse. Do so.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 15:12

Apparently I’m putting him down because I’m having a go at him for asking innocent questions

OP posts:
Mix56 · 16/10/2022 15:14

Sounds like he has linked to your cloud & is reading your mn.

Idyllicidealist · 16/10/2022 15:22

Normal relationships are not like this OP. You’re dp has no right to question you about your friends and colleagues because you’re not his possession and can speak to who you want.
My dh found my work chatter boring and vice versa.

dontputitthere · 16/10/2022 15:24

Jesus. None of this is normal

What do you want?

I don't think anyone here has said this is normal and that should put up with it

Do you not think the same? Don't you think you deserve more?

Yes to pp suggesting he's reading this somehow. Which makes it even more creepy and controlling

Asking22 · 16/10/2022 15:33

Please don't expose your daughter to this controlling twat. Is this a relationship you would want for her as an adult? You are setting expectations for her in the future to accept men (or women) to treat them like shit, because that's what she has learnt. You said yourself that you have learned behaviours from your own childhood, your daughter is not exempt. You can put a stop to that unhealthy cycle.

EVHead · 16/10/2022 15:43

FFS he’s horrible please please kick him into the long grass.

monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 16:28

I mean literally everyone has explained to you that his behaviour is not normal and is controlling.

Many of us have also explained the damage that is being done to your daughter by you being in this relationship.

But you keep just saying more stuff he's saying, rather than addressing people's posts or acknowledging that while you have a choice in this, your daughter doesn't so you need to put her first, by ending relationships that will stop her being the next female in your family's cycle to say the following:

I do find myself walking on eggshells to keep him happy and not trigger a certain response but I think I’m used to that from childhood. It’s just so tiring.

Do you want her to think it's normal to have to walk on eggshells and modify her behaviour to placate and appease unreasonable men? Do you want her to think it's normal to be emotionally exhausted by a relationship.

Staying to repeat this pattern is madness.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/10/2022 16:41

Mix56 · 16/10/2022 15:14

Sounds like he has linked to your cloud & is reading your mn.

That was my first thought too.

OP you're effectively only with him because you're worried you'll be lonely. But if you bin him off, and approach your former friends with honesty, they could be back in your life.

I'd also recommend checking out groups for co-dependency. Was one of your parents a drinker? (this often breeds co-dependency) If so Al-Anon are very good at working through the aftermath and unpicking childhood lessons, like walking on eggshells. And great friendships are born out of these meetings.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 16/10/2022 16:45

Those eggshells you are walking on are going to hurt your DD eventually. Send this man on his sulky way. I bet he has moved in with you and pays less than he should. Pack his bags and change the locks. You can get back with your friends - just tell them what he was like - I bet they will support you.

Original poster
canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 17:37

I’m only typing out what he’s saying to try and make sense of it because I feel like I’m losing my mind, and like I’m the one who’s in the wrong. I’m not dismissing any advice. I’m just really struggling right now

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 17:39

canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 17:37

I’m only typing out what he’s saying to try and make sense of it because I feel like I’m losing my mind, and like I’m the one who’s in the wrong. I’m not dismissing any advice. I’m just really struggling right now

What is the benefit to your daughter of you staying in this relationship, which you describe as having good times that are few and far between?

And does he live with you?

Original poster
canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 17:42

He doesn’t live with me, no.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/10/2022 17:45

That's good as it caused less issues re breaking up.

So the big question - what is the benefit to your daughter of you staying in this relationship, which you describe as having good times that are few and far between?

beonmywaythen · 16/10/2022 17:48

So many red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩

MrsMacnair · 16/10/2022 22:55

canthinkofone · 16/10/2022 14:50

He’s asking if I’ve spoke to people about this and I told him I’d spoken to a close friend. He said he gets the feeling that I’ve spoken to more people, and is now relentlessly questioning me as to who I’ve told and who knows about our relationship. this is not normal behaviour is it?

I may be well off the beaten track here, but are you sure he’s not tracking your online activity and has been reading what you’ve written here?
Its just that he seems utterly convinced that you are talking to more people and in a sense you are, just not in person.

But either way no this definitely isn’t normal behaviour.

Also In answer to your question, your enough is enough moment is now. This will only get worse not better!

MrsMacnair · 16/10/2022 23:00

Totally missed that @Mix56 mentioned the same thing.

This was was my first thought as soon as I read your message Op.