Is this controlling/jealousy?

[canthinkofone]

So this evening is one of many evenings where my partner has got annoyed due to dd’s sleeping habits. She gets out of bed a couple of times because she struggles to settle and because it’s Friday I let her stay up later and we’ve been having a cuddle, film and sweets etc.

Just now, we literally got into bed and she heard us laughing and obviously had a bit of fomo. She came in the bedroom and my partner went silent and was clearly unhappy because dd was asking to sleep in my room. He said “if she stays in here then I’m going home”.

Dd is 8 and as I say, this isn’t the first time he’s been unable to tolerate things like this. Before him it was just me and her, so even though we’ve been together 2 years this is still a big transition. I said that she won’t be, but did he have to react in that way?

I’ve also recently started a new job, and he asks at least once a week whether people (men) have been asking me anything. This is all because one of them made a crude comment in my first week there which I told him as I found it odd, and he’s been seething about it ever since. This morning he asked me again via text, and I was already late and rushing into work so didn’t get chance to reply. So obviously he took this the wrong way and he was very cold with me.

We can be so good sometimes but then other times it’s like this and I hate it.

Ages and ages ago

I don’t think an 8 year old should be sharing a bed with an unrelated man, but he shouldn’t have made that comment in front of her.

The rest though is very controlling and jealous. It will only get worse, you’ll find yourself being careful about what you tell him in case it sets him off, might start making your life smaller so that you don’t get questions etc. It’s no way to live.
When he asks about the men at work, what do you say? Have you ever told him to just pack it in?

The minute someone says they're walking on eggshells in a relationship I think it's time to leave

I had a vaguely similar guy. Narcissist. But basically was jealous of my kids. Any attention they got over him. Reminds me a bit of him

And the sulking and tantrums when he didn't get his way. Yuk. Anyway my first point still stands. Who wants to spend a relationship walking on eggshells?

OP I am a lone parent. I do understand the situation but you are comprising for companionship.

Honestly I would get rid, get back to the happy state of just you and your DD.

There is nothing wrong with feeling lonely at times but hear me out, let yourself feel it, go through it because believe me on the other side of that is being really comfortable in your own skin, your own company during those times your DD is asleep or away.

When you get there you realise there is no relationship worth compromising over, then you wait. You focus on your DD, your life, your career.

Is he possibly preventing you from meeting and socialising with new people and this is why you feel you need him for companionship?
If you end the relationship, rather than having to cope alone, I reckon it will open up your life to more possibilities and friendships.

He doesn’t directly prevent me from socialising and doing my own thing, but we’ve kinda fell into an unhealthy pattern where we only have each other and my circle has become much, much smaller since we’ve been together. I’m quite introverted anyway so this has sort of suited me but the prospect of not having him is what puts me off ending it.

I confronted him about his controlling ways today. He said that he doesn’t like people at work trying it on with me. I said that not one person had tried it on, and he said “well let’s hope it stays that way”. I said that I actively avoid situations that might involve flirty banter etc at work, because I know he’d be fuming. Then he went spiralling saying that I clearly went to be “involved” in stuff at work and was trying to get me to tell him what I wanted to be involved in. He’s now saying “it’s on you” with regards to how I interact with men at work, and that he’s not getting involved.

At what point do you say enough is enough?

Right now, OP.

His comment about DD was immature, almost like sibling rivalry, & threatening to flounce is never a sign of a cordial, respectful relationship.

His arsiness in interrogating you over unpleasant comments made to YOU prove how he sees the world as being all about him. The only thing he should be asking is "are you ok & what support do you need?"

The fact that he's made it about HIM shows his possessiveness, selfishness & unreasonableness. The fact that you can only manage 1 good weekend in 4 also tells you what you need to know doesn't it? Ditch the whining twat, & focus on you & DD. You will have much happier weekends without him.

Nah that reaction from him is utterly bizarre, he’s having a go at you about a fictional situation where hypothetically someone might try it on, and even if they did surely he should trust you that it wouldn’t matter anyway.

Hes turned you bringing up something you’re not happy with back on you, this isn’t your issue, it’s his.

I think you should really be considering whether theres a future in this relationship.

But if you didn't have him, you'd have time to break out of your unhealthy co-dependency & cultivate better, more healthy relationships. Friends & acquaintances to widen your circle - your fear of not coping without this jealous little man are unfounded. You managed before him & you will manage after.

You are much better off with good friends than a bad man.

FFS dump the tiresome manchild.

He is spoiling for a fight - & he sees you as property. Ugh - get rid.

End this. Get in contact with your old friends. Make new ones. You can’t keep dating an arsehole because you want a bit of company.

He’s actually asking me if I’ve been keeping other things from him because it’s easier that way 🤦🏻‍♀️

You’re not going to get any response that isn’t ‘leave him’.

So he’s effectively cut you off from a wider circle?

This is a huge concern, without him what you’d actually have is the opportunity to spend time with people who treat you better and you’d have nicer weekends with.

The more you say about him the worse it sounds :(

Yes, it is both controlling and jealousy. He resents the fact that you sometimes put your daughter's needs before him, and he doesn't like you being out at work where, God forbid, someone might try it on with you. What does he think you'd do anyway, jump straight in the stationery cupboard with them?

He has already isolated you, and you are now constantly treading on eggshells. He doesn't trust you and thinks you are keeping things from him so he doesn't get annoyed. Which of course you are doing, because you daren't tell him some things because it sets him off.

This is no way to live, is it? Please get rid of him. Dumping this loser doesn't mean you will be on your own forever, but it does mean you won't have to put up with his unpleasantness any more. There are nicer people out there.

Time to wave him a cheery bye bye.

He sounds immature and jealous. You walk on eggshells around him... time to end it.

He's asking me whether I’ll tell him if anyone ever makes another jokey comment. I’ve said no because it’s completely irrelevant and not worth mentioning. So now I’m a liar and he won’t be with a liar 🤔

Off he fucks then, OP.

Surely you're worth more than this?

And surely you would prefer your daughter to see a happy, strong, single mum rather than one in a relationship with a dickhead who thinks she's a liar, accused her of things, wants her to report back on any conversations with males etc etc?

Life's too short for such foolishness!

I don’t think he’s wrong for not wanting your dd in bed with you. It’s not his kid and to me it’s just uncomfortable with a kid in bed and I feel like bedtime with my partner is “our” time to connect.

my ex would let his dd get in bed with us and it was awkward and uncomfortable. Luckily it didn’t last long else I would’ve went back to my own house too.

Is he 12?

Actually scratch that. My kid's about that age and far more rational.

I think you know the answer to this one.

My dear Op, please listen to the very wise @AttilaTheMeerkat and @Haffiana.

I think this is the real question op. Been there. Done that. Wish I had shoved him out the door even quicker than I did once I realised x

I’ve been awake for a while, thinking. When we met, he took a real dislike to two of my friends because they were both worried that he wasn’t good for me - long story, but he went back to his ex briefly, before getting back together with me. Then the only friend I do have left, he instantly took a disliking to her partner because (in my opinion) he saw him as a threat. At first we’d go out on double dates and we were all joking around and I made a comment about liking a man with chest hair or something. He automatically took this to mean that I fancied my friends boyfriend and, ever since, he’s not had a good word to say about him.

He leaves me notes whenever he stays over, telling me how much he loves me and how perfect I am etc. I used to think this was sweet, ans that he adores me. But is this a way of controlling me too? I feel completely blindsided. If I can’t reply to a text immediately he doesn’t understand, and he’d literally message me all day every day if he could.