Stuck in sexless marriage and contemplating leaving

[sexless422]

I am currently in a sexless marriage with my husband of 16 years. Both in mid-40s. We have 2 DCs, a teen and a preteen. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where we no longer have it at all. The frequency of sex between us declined steadily from approximately mid-2017 . It went from once or twice a week, then every couple of weeks, then hardly ever before it stopped completely. The last time we had sex was in August 2020. I have not seen any signs of him cheating or anything like that, he just no longer has any interest in having sex with me. I have had many discussions with him regarding this, but he just deflects or dismisses my concerns. He also never responds to any efforts I make to initiate sex with him myself - and I have certainly tried.

I've persisted with the situation until now because I was holding out hope that things might change, but unfortunately they haven't. At this point, it feels like wishful thinking on my part to think the situation will improve. I don't think I can live the rest of my life without sex, yet he doesn't seem to have any problem with that. I've started fantasising about other men, and I've also been reading erotic literature online about married women having affairs, whilst imagining myself as being the female lead in these stories. Also, I was in a shop the other day and a man smiled at me. I was flattered and felt slightly giddy afterwards. The attention I got from him was honestly more than what I am receiving in my own marriage. This does not mean I am about to run off and have an affair myself, and I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I've started making notes on my phone about lifestyle adjustments I would have to make if I was to divorce DH. He earns more than me, but not by much. I am now weighing up if having to make such lifestyle adjustments would be a fair price to pay for me to actually have a sex life (or at least some semblance of one). Do you think being in a sexless marriage is grounds enough on its own to contemplate a divorce? Am I mad for considering it?

I think you have two options cheat and stay if everything else is ok and ur happy or leave. Just my opinion.
One things clear u need to feel wanted, loved, desired.... And ur not... Including Sex and ur not getting it.
Im so tired of hearing about men are the ones in sexless marriages and high drives but in reality i think the women who are mostly deprived.
Someone earlier said that if someone isn't willing to talk and discuss the issues/ work on whats wrong, how do they expect you to stay?
I had an ex partner, together ten years last 4 was pretty much sexless i begged for him to deal with any issues and resolve the problem... Nothing. I told him ull drive me to cheat and i didn't want to do that ... Nothing. I ended the relationship. Few years later we good friends and he's got his mojo back he just wanted something else deep down but couldn't tell me... So sad he was happy to waste my time yet knowing i was so depressed and down with the situation. I've dated a few people since, and so worried about ever being in that situation again that any sign of laziness in the bedroom department im gone. 🤣😭🤣

I couldn’t live like this. You deserve to be happy. For a lot of people that means a fulfilling sex life, that’s healthy, normal and not mad at all.

Often they just don’t rant sex with you but that reality is hard to face. So many men who don’t want sex with their wives then move on to a new relationship quickly. They just didn’t want to be the one to end it.

I think this is what men mean when they tell you... "we lost the spark" about their last relationship 😑

Absolutely it is. What they mean is “I lost the spark but was too gutless to do anything about it” meanwhile they drive you insane saying they do find you attractive it’s just they are stressed/lost their sex drive etc etc. the top and bottom of it is they don’t find you sexually attractive anymore.

In a similar situation myself, except for me it's coming up to four years with no sex. I am aware of websites frequented by people in sexless marriages. I've browsed them but, so far, I haven't actually registered. I am very tempted to do so however. I've also been on sites where men post racy photos of themselves to be 'rated' by women. I have looked at and admired quite a few of these men, but haven't tried to make contact with them - yet. It feels wrong to admit it, but if the opportunity arose for me to have an affair, I probably wouldn't be able to resist the temptation.

What actually stops you from registering? Try IE. Quality men (only reply to the ones who've paid, gets rid of the timewasters).
A lot of you just don't have the guts to do anything and would rather just moan about your dead bedroom. At least be honest with yourselves - you yourself could change things if you really wanted to, but you choose the status quo.

Very well said. I believe this 100%😒

Im so tired of hearing about men are the ones in sexless marriages and high drives but in reality i think the women who are mostly deprived.

not sure this is true at all, go and look at the dead bedroom subs on Reddit it’s much more balanced between the genders

Your entitled to your opinion you don't have to be sure about what im saying.
Who knows, maybe there's are men who are bored with their wives, not finding them attractive anymore.... Who knows???
Im just saying factually from my own personal experiences, and im 40 years old, its always been the men who have had the lower sex drive. The relationship i referred to in my pervious comment was the icing on the cake for me.

I second IE as a short/medium term solution while you are figuring out what you want to do. And/or if you want wait a bit for your kids to grow up.
Also - if the relationship is gold otherwise, and you don’t want to upset your family and change your lifestyle.

I know people will pounce on me and say that you should leave instead, etc.

But in reality divorce is difficult, it can be horrible. Lots of lives are affected. Kids do get affected and life post divorce isn’t some sort of happy walk in a park. I say it as a divorced person who doesn’t regret hers.
I am just realistic and open about how it actually feels.

So - all things considered - if it’s only just to have sex - I’d not go through divorce. But I think you are totally justified to be meeting you needs outside of marriage, given that your partner doesn’t want to.

@Ladymama12 , I’m not doubting your experiences at all, those are your lived experiences, just saying that if look at other forums that are more evenly gender balanced than this one you get a different (wider ? ) picture

I definitely think that is a good start.

That has hit home hard. My DP of 20+ years, always had a good sex life, but 3 years ago he had an EA, and since then sex has dwindled to around once every 3 weeks, mostly once a month. I have asked, begged, pleaded, cried and tried it on with him to be rejected every time, when i ask him he says he is not as fit as he used to be and it knackers him, or he is stressed from work, now i am thinking what you said is the right answer. Ouch.

Sexless here for nearly two years. As previous poster said, these comments hit home. I guess I'm just glad that there are other people out there going through the same thing. It's shit and soul destroying

Hmm. I’ve been on both sides of this - in my second marriage now. Personally I wouldn’t leave. Sex to me is the cherry on the cake but the cake itself is more important to me - the long term relationship with my dh and my dc - I have been a single parent and it’s not fun. I wouldn’t want to share my Christmases and special occasions again, or share potential grandchildren etc. It just makes life all sorts of complicated. For sex? No thanks. But then perhaps I’ve got a different view to most… dh and I always had a lot of sex but then we both developed chronic health issues, different ones but very debilitating. We’ve realised our marriage and love for each other is so much more than our sexual side. But we’re both on the same page. So I guess that’s a different situation to yourself. I just wonder how you’d feel if it suddenly became difficult for either of you to have sex. I wonder if the love for each other and your life together is still there.

My first dh went off sex and I felt really lonely and sad about it but then I was mid 20s then and it was more important to me than it is now aged 40 something. I can’t imagine throwing away the life I’ve built with dh now, and our potential future, because I wanted sex.

Stand in front of him say "I want hot sex what are my options?"

See how he reacts.
(Report back please)

At 50 for me it wasn’t just about no sex I just thought my sex life was over, it was no intimacy or cuddles that I could not stand so at 58 I left, with no real idea what the future was going to be. About 6 months after, a man I knew as an acquaintance asked me for a date, he had lost his wife a few months before, he hadn’t lost his sex drive though. I would never have believed how much difference a new man makes, my libido returned and after a few weeks I was between the sheets, 3 yrs on we’re still on honeymoon.

Sex is the only thing that makes a marriage different from a friendship Yanbu for wanting a divorce (or an affair)

Bollocks. You don't presumably have sex with your children or parents. Do you love them just as friends then?

But it's not 'just sex'. It's the intimacy, the shared physicality, the joining of two bodies and souls.

A previous poster recommended signing up on Illicit Encounters. I just did exactly that today. I am enjoying it so far. Whether it will lead to me having an affair remains to be seen. This certainly feels like a step in that direction however.

You can have emotional intimacy- and physical aspects if you wish- unlike any other intimacy you’d have with anyone else. Why does someone putting their penis in a vagina (or any other sexual act) automatically give you more intimacy? It’s fine if it’s important to you but it’s perfectly possible to be happy and intimate without sex. For lots of people it’s just not an important part of a long term relationship.

@pocketvenuss for me it isn’t just the sex (though that is a huge part, it’s very important to me and I’m not ashamed to admit that), it IS the intimacy too.

I’ve been doing a little experiment since this thread started, I stopped even attempting to initiate any hugs, my usual peck to say hello/goodness morning and saying I love you when leaving/going to bed/just wanting to.

So far he hasn’t even bloody noticed, and it appears the only time he says ‘I love you’ is just as an automatic response to me saying it.

Not sure what I expected. I guess at least an ‘Is everything ok?’ but I think I have my answer now. It’s the same heart rending conclusion others upthread have come to.

He doesn’t love me, he is just going through the motions as he can’t be bothered to start all over again.

He doesn’t fancy or want sex with me. Though if anything I’ve improved in appearance. Maybe he’s just bored. That hurts as the one who was always trying to spice things up in any way they want but just the way it is I guess!

And he just doesn’t care.

Now I have to decide if I can live with that or not. I think I already know the answer but the thought of a split family makes me hesitate, so I guess I am just as much of a coward as he is.

And I don’t want to have an affair. The thought is exciting because I am starving for affection right now, but I know couldn’t go any further than the fantasies in my head. Because I do genuinely love him.

Actually seeing it written down like that it is very clear what needs to happen. Separating is the only option left. I’m just telling myself that lots of children can do just fine if the parents can get on even when split. DH is very jealous (ironically) so I don’t think he will take it well at all, but better than if I’d had an affair and we split then at least.

God sorry for the essay! Turned in to narration on my inner thoughts this morning!

What a needlessly shitty response.