Stuck in sexless marriage and contemplating leaving

[sexless422]

I am currently in a sexless marriage with my husband of 16 years. Both in mid-40s. We have 2 DCs, a teen and a preteen. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where we no longer have it at all. The frequency of sex between us declined steadily from approximately mid-2017 . It went from once or twice a week, then every couple of weeks, then hardly ever before it stopped completely. The last time we had sex was in August 2020. I have not seen any signs of him cheating or anything like that, he just no longer has any interest in having sex with me. I have had many discussions with him regarding this, but he just deflects or dismisses my concerns. He also never responds to any efforts I make to initiate sex with him myself - and I have certainly tried.

I've persisted with the situation until now because I was holding out hope that things might change, but unfortunately they haven't. At this point, it feels like wishful thinking on my part to think the situation will improve. I don't think I can live the rest of my life without sex, yet he doesn't seem to have any problem with that. I've started fantasising about other men, and I've also been reading erotic literature online about married women having affairs, whilst imagining myself as being the female lead in these stories. Also, I was in a shop the other day and a man smiled at me. I was flattered and felt slightly giddy afterwards. The attention I got from him was honestly more than what I am receiving in my own marriage. This does not mean I am about to run off and have an affair myself, and I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I've started making notes on my phone about lifestyle adjustments I would have to make if I was to divorce DH. He earns more than me, but not by much. I am now weighing up if having to make such lifestyle adjustments would be a fair price to pay for me to actually have a sex life (or at least some semblance of one). Do you think being in a sexless marriage is grounds enough on its own to contemplate a divorce? Am I mad for considering it?

If he wanted to fix it, he would. Are you sure he's not indulging a fetish elsewhere/seeing someone?
Life is too short for this.

When you say fantasising about other men, in what context? X

She’s probably forgotten. It was a long time ago.

Fair point.
I feel for her x

Hello everyone. I am really looking for a direction here. I married out of peer pressure and parental pressure. At that time, I chose the man who had proposed to me just four months after meeting , because he threatened to break up if I didn't. My husband is from China and I am Indian. I had a lot of pressure from my parents to get married before turning 30 so I did. Now I am in a sexless loveless marriage and have a 5 year old adorable boy. I have tried very hard to form a warm loving relationship with my husband but he is very misogynistic and doesn’t pay any attention to me. We haven’t had sex or even a kiss/hug in the last 6 years. I asked him for a hug once and he just said no. We live under the same roof but have never even had a proper conversation let alone sharing any thoughts. He takes all the decision on his own and tells me to follow. If I ague, he asks me to go back to my country. My father-in-law is also very similar and doesn’t show any affection to anybody. My question is what should I do. The only reason that I am enduring this is my son. If I ever leave him, I will never get custody. Even visitation is not guaranteed. I can’t take my son back to my country either. Should I live like this forever so that I can be close to my son? It feels like I am just wasting my life away and have lost all my freedom and will to live.

I would also like to add that I am almost sure that he married me because it was impossible for him to marry a Chinese girl. He could never afford a bride price which is traditional in China. He also doesn’t give me any money. I earn online working from home and also take full care of my son and the household. I am just tired at this point.

So sorry you are going through this @Indiangirl88

Definitely do not continue like this. It's no life to live at all.

You should start your own thread on this and hopefully someone will give you sound advice as to what steps you can take. Good luck.

I have been living in a sexless marriage for thirty years. She is simply not interested (her words). We have been to therapy several times but it has stayed the same. She tells me she adores me but not sexually . I am a man of 64 , not bad for my age. I have simply run out of options. I do all the house work, cook and everything else. She has control over money and house hold bills as she tells me no else can do it properly. I have come to the conclusion that she is a control freak and controls my life. Now I am 64 I look back and quite frankly took my passion somewhere else. I now feel I am to old for anyone to look at me but I still have desires. My advice is look somewhere else instead of living in hope. Don't long for something that's probably never going to happen , don't wait until its late like I have.
Geoff.

I did something about mine. Affair and now saving up enough money to leave. You can’t force someone against their will, but you don’t have to stand for it either! Never getting married again!

Hi sorry to hear this your still young enough leave! I am currently in this situation. So it went like this he couldn't keep his hands off me swept me off my feet after we moved in sex declined almost at once. When it happens its amazing he says the same. But he suffers with delayed ejaculation which is frustrating and tiring for him but I've always been patient with this Things got worse I aaked he leave but then we took a couple of holidays together things improved and kept improving to the point i thought we cracked it for about 9 months then we got married abroad beautiful romantic wedding and 2 months after that it got worse than ever 3 month gaps 6 month gaps, as a woman feeling unattractive and unwanted by him has really taken its toll on my self esteem. Were currently separated hes seen gp and been referred to sex therapy we also have a couples therapist. Hes now buying a new House wants me to sell and move in says he loves me and really wants it to get better. I have told him I love him but I'm not ever going back to that ill give him a final chance with the therapist etc and see if they can help but thereafter im ending it permanently by divorce. I am so in love with him it breaks my heart but makes it so much worse to cope with lack of closeness. Sex is one thing but being in love and sex are quite another and i would be happy with ince or twice per week. Im a fit active 40 yr old i cant live like this for the rest of my life its soul destroying. What reason does your wife give for lack if interest? Ps my husband is a jerk in a lot of other ways too maybe he isn't the man i met maybe he just

In reply (sorry about delay) but my wife says she simply doesn't know. She tells me she loves me and I'm her soul mate, I think that hurts even more. If she said I hate you I could understand. We've just been away for a few nights away from daily life but she did not attempt to touch just rolled over and went to sleep. We were staying on a huge estate with B&B so just got up and wandered around for a bit. She did not even know I'd gone out . My wife days she would be devastated if I went with someone else but won't or can't do anything about it .