Stuck in sexless marriage and contemplating leaving

[sexless422]

I am currently in a sexless marriage with my husband of 16 years. Both in mid-40s. We have 2 DCs, a teen and a preteen. Our sex life has dwindled to the point where we no longer have it at all. The frequency of sex between us declined steadily from approximately mid-2017 . It went from once or twice a week, then every couple of weeks, then hardly ever before it stopped completely. The last time we had sex was in August 2020. I have not seen any signs of him cheating or anything like that, he just no longer has any interest in having sex with me. I have had many discussions with him regarding this, but he just deflects or dismisses my concerns. He also never responds to any efforts I make to initiate sex with him myself - and I have certainly tried.

I've persisted with the situation until now because I was holding out hope that things might change, but unfortunately they haven't. At this point, it feels like wishful thinking on my part to think the situation will improve. I don't think I can live the rest of my life without sex, yet he doesn't seem to have any problem with that. I've started fantasising about other men, and I've also been reading erotic literature online about married women having affairs, whilst imagining myself as being the female lead in these stories. Also, I was in a shop the other day and a man smiled at me. I was flattered and felt slightly giddy afterwards. The attention I got from him was honestly more than what I am receiving in my own marriage. This does not mean I am about to run off and have an affair myself, and I feel guilty for even thinking about it. I've started making notes on my phone about lifestyle adjustments I would have to make if I was to divorce DH. He earns more than me, but not by much. I am now weighing up if having to make such lifestyle adjustments would be a fair price to pay for me to actually have a sex life (or at least some semblance of one). Do you think being in a sexless marriage is grounds enough on its own to contemplate a divorce? Am I mad for considering it?

Hi everyone. I want to provide an update. I considered all my options and eventually decided to approach my husband about having an open marriage. I told him I could not go any longer without having sex. I asked if he would mind if I fulfilled my needs elsewhere. I said he was welcome to do the same. He said he would be ok with it as long as I was sensible and discreet about it. I was content with other areas of our marriage except for the lack of sex, and I wanted to explore every other option before asking for a divorce. I was also concerned about the impact on our kids.

After having this discussion with DH, I started using apps and websites which cater to married people looking for sex outside their marriage. These sites have been mentioned by previous posters, and I also received recommendations from other MNers about what sites to use. I met a man on one of these sites and have been meeting him for sex for about 2 months. I made it clear I only wanted sex. He is in a similar situation with his partner (they are sexless too) and understood fully. I don't regret my decision. I couldn't have stayed the way I was, being sexless for so long, as it was making me miserable.

Good for you OP.
You can still have that confuse security blanket of your home life, whilst satiating your urges and desires elsewhere.

My problem was resolved for me 4 weeks ago.
I was told to leave my home of of thirteen years, after a fourteen year relationship.
It was tea time and cold, and I was in the car with but a bag of belongings and no place to go.
With no money or job, because I had been her carer for ten years, I parked up in dark and freezing conditions, and contemplated my next move.
Luckily I ended up on a friend's floor that night.
As uncomfortable as it was, I was under a warm roof.
Then the next day I sat in the housing offices all day, to be told that I had been a victim of domestic mental abuse.
I couldn't see it myself but I am starting to see it now.
That night the housing put me up in an immigrant hotel.
I was scared and lonely but I had a warm roof over my head.
My brother, who I haven't spoken to in years, invited me into his and his partners home.
But that's not guaranteed anymore.
Four weeks on, I have gone from seeing my daughter every minute of every day to hardly at all.
I send her messages which get delivered, but she doesn't read them or respond to them.
She's in her own little bubble, and perfectly safe and comfortable at her home.
I can't force her to see me as if I do, it won't be a happy experience for her or me.
Plus she has SEND needs.
Four weeks on I am bidding on council properties, in a high band, and getting nowhere.
My mental health, PTSD, anxiety and depression is at its worst, and I am having a lot of suicidal thoughts.
If only I had the guts to carry them out.
It would solve all my worries.
The thought of going back to work after ten years, terrifies me, but go to to work I must.
I have applied for hundreds of jobs and gotten nowhere.
I don't want to take nights, rotating rota shifts, or weekends as that won't be good for me mentally, as I won't be left open to see my daughter, in case she wants to see me.
If I get a job, then I can save and get an overpriced private let until a one bed social housing property comes through.
I have been told by my brother that I have until the end of the month to find work,or I have to leave.
Which is fair enough as I have disrupted their quiet lives.
There were a lot of problems at home that contributed to me having to leave,but one major one was a friend of hers.
This friend said to me that if I ever needed to confide in someone, I could confide in them.
They had kept 4 years worth of messages, and distributed them throughout the family to all concerned.
I never got a chance to have my say, and everyone had made their mind up.
I know when we vent we say things that are not nice, but then to use everything I have said in confidence against me.
(I am actively pursuing a police arrest and conviction as they have threatened to ruin me more if they have heard I have blamed them).
No money, no job, no guaranteed place to stay, and no daughter.
Rebuilding my life at 47.
I have also found out who my friends are, which is pretty much zero.

I meant comfortable security blanket not confuse!
Stupid phone suggesting words.

Having an affair isn't the answer. No matter how many posters from the creepy affair thread, or those shilling for affair websites, pretend it is.
You need to be honest with yourself and your DH. Only you can decide if the need for intimacy and connection is more important or if there are other benefits to staying married.
Affairs just create a whole new slew of problems, hurt lots of people and give your DCs an even worse relationship template.

Good for you op, at some point though you will meet someone and fall in love and need to divorce.

You are living a half life x

I’m glad this is working for you but I suspect that this will be a short term answer. I don’t think it’s bad wanting to leave a marriage for lack of sex. It’s not just lack of sex, it’s the fact your husband / wife no longer finds you attractive or desirable and has basically friend zoned you. Now some couples are happy with this post kids, especially when young but most are not. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who didn’t find me desirable. It’s what a relationship is all about otherwise no difference to a good friend. Good luck, I hope it all works out one way or another but at least your DH knows you can’t just sit around in a sexless marriage.

Without wanting to put a spanner in the works, I think the sad reality is that a man who doesn't want to have sex, actually just doesn't want to have sex with you.

I've seen it, repeatedly, that a man will, after splitting up, meet someone who he is willing to make the change for. And we are sat here wondering WTF.

Actions always speak louder than words.

Op, how did you feel when your dh agreed to opening up the marriage? Hurt, relieved, angry?

Also, did this discussion prompt your dh to say why he didn’t want sex with you ?

Good luck with it all. It's a pragmatic solution when you don't want to leave. There are huge numbers of men and fairly large numbers of women on those sites, and a lot of them really don't want to bother leaving their marriages, or are waiting til the kids are fully grown. It can work well as a long term solution or you may find you decide to leave the marriage, or the apps, after a while.

Our whole relationship haven't never had much sex in it. It's werid cos I'm really fine with it ad I have never had a sex drive but I miss kissing. Our Child is still quite young but I think when she's away these feels might change however I'd never want to have another relationship in fear for having to have sex but I think if he had q new partner he would have sex with her

Interesting thread and glad theOP found a solution that is working for more - even if not long term it is better than the previous status quo.

Do not do this. I had the same duff advice off mn. He went ballistic & from then on it was all my fault. No sex life is enough to break a marriage. When you lose sex you often loose intimacy too. That is a killer.

I am at a cross roads. I am now in a sexless marriage. I have given up the regular discussions on the matter. Nothing I say makes any difference. I have asked for an open marriage twice to have my needs met elsewhere but he doesn't think this is a good idea. He once said it was because I'd gained some weight. So I lost 3 stone and realised it made no difference whatsoever. I cannot live like this. The pain and rejection is unbearable and I'm sure there's someone out there who would appreciate me. I will ask again to open the marriage or will have to leave. Gutted, as everything else in the relationship is great.

It is a nightmare.

I'm 6'2, I earn six figures, I can cook well and I love to chat, you'd think I'd be getting some but you'd be wrong.

I'm open to PM if you're in the same boat.

I’ve read all the thread here, everyone has made very valid comments.

I’m completely burnt out, I’ve tried everything to help my OH… tried talking, I initiate and I’m rejected every single time, it’s soul destroying, years and years in a sexless marriage too many actually that I’m ready to go, told him this too and he doesn’t care. I do believe he fell out of love and has pushed me to the point that I must go… he is the centre of the community and I know it would look worse for him if he left me (we have children), I have my own career (which I temporarily gave up to help him and care more for our family, he absolutely resented this and made me feel completely worthless. Now I’m back earning a good wage way more than him and he still makes me feel worthless, I do all the caring of the children after school m, weekends, holidays (he refuses to go on holidays for years). He goes in the morning doesn’t return till midnight probably 6/7 days a week, we don’t see him and if he happens to be home hes on the phone. We don’t exist in his world nor he in ours. Lack of sex, affection, kisses (I try to kiss and he closes his mouth every time for a 1 second peck). We don’t talk, I try… but I’m called every name under the sun (crier, dramatic… worse things, I do call him lazy and other worse things too).

I wish to have someone who appreciates me, wants to spend a little time with me… I’m so burnt out, and feel my mental health and wellbeing from lack of everything is affecting me badly.

A lot of our friendship groups know and see how he treats me even if we are out in public (odd time at shop or restaurant) the consequences I do get attention from men… probably seeing me as the pathetic little wifey so maybe easier I don’t really know (they are all so nice though and most are married but I just ignore or just cut messages short)… I’ve told him, sent him the messages I get and he couldn’t care less, wouldn’t stand up for me… I just want him to be a man, this is my wife, shes mine… I’ve told him I loved him for years and I don’t even get a smile never mind I love you too.

Anyway, I need to build my confidence and self esteem and end this once and for all… but love and hope makes it extremely difficult (I know it’s years and years, I should move on)!

I feel your pain. I hope you find happiness with someone who does show both affection and appreciation...

I got divorced for this reason. There was no intimacy at all and I felt I was walking on eggshells all the time. He was fine with it I wasn’t and whilst it isn’t everything there really isn’t a compromise as you are intimate or you’re not. I became so angry with him and with my life that I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m still single 4 years on and have no regrets on asking for a divorce. DD was 8 at the time and it was difficult for her and I had stayed for 3 years longer than I should because of her. Should’ve done it sooner.

It’s extremely daunting, I hope I can find strength to go and maybe someday I will have both affection & appreciation. Thank you

Yes, eggshells constantly, even if I ask could you try to be hone for 1 dinner this week! I’m am getting to that stage, extremely frustrated and growing more and more resentful. My youngest child will be 7 soon, in many ways I’ve been preparing them but they really want a proper family, beg me to try to fix him, it’s impossible to do and I hope they will forgive me for putting myself first if I choose to leave… in reality he left physically, emotionally… long ago, prior to my daughters birth to be honest.

Thank you for sharing, I do hope I can be like you and have no regrets. I wish you continued happiness.

I'm in the same position and don't know what to do.

My partner and me are both mid 30s, healthy, unstressed, no financial or family issues and don't even have kids to work around. Our sex life has gradually tailed off to the point where we've had sex twice in the last 7 months. We're still pretty physically affectionate which is good, but the first time that affection even hints at going somewhere sexual he shuts it down. Like, we'll be kissing (initiated by him as much as me), I'll get really into it and get a bit obviously horny and he will stop and usually say "Uh oh" or something similar and that's the end of it.

Fucking "Uh Oh". I'm sure you can all imagine how it feels to express that you're turned on by your partner and for that to be the response. How fucking crushing it is.

He's had the whole bank holiday weekend to faff around at home by himself and relax, yet when I've come back home and tried to get something going (I've flirtily complimented him a bunch, gone for some sexy kissing, sat in his fucking lap for a kiss etc) he's kissed me a bit and then decided he needs to go get up and get some water. He then goes back to playing FIFA.

I cried in the shower this morning. I feel like I'm repulsive, even though I know I'm not.

Please read this great article, When your husband won't have sex by the wonderful clinical psychologist Dr Psych Mom. @RedBeeWildflower @Rosecat22 your lives could be so much more full than this. As the article says, You only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to try and make it one that makes you feel happy, loved, fulfilled and secure.

Rosecat

Make this man your ex partner. He doesn’t want sex and has problems with intimacy for whatever reasons and that in no way reflects on you as a person. You deserve far more from life particularly in the event you want marriage and or children.

What seems to happen in some marriages is the wife in the early days limits and controls the sex, for numerous reasons, eg too tired looking after the children, touched out by nursing and cuddling the children, doesn’t need sex because she already has the children she wants, thinks her husband only wants her for sex,
husband is not doing enough of the things she wants, husband doesn’t listen to her so no rapport is created, avoids sex with her husband (without giving the real reasons) and so on, until the husband is trained to not want intimacy on any level, as the constant rejections have lowered his self esteem and made him feel unlovable.
Fast forward several years and now you reach the stage where the children no longer need that much attention, but the wife does because she is acutely aware of growing older and not being shown any attention by her husband, who, of course has been tamed and trained not to feel any attraction to her, this is the very stage where women diet, go to the gym and dress younger. The husband is confused because his wife is not sexual at all ( not for him any longer) this is the time of affairs and marriage break ups, or attempts to open the marriage, which rarely works ( for very obvious reasons) The now ex wife becomes very sexual, even in their 40’s 50’s and 60’s and find a new life of fun. The ex husband scratches his head and wonder’s why he has been in a sexless marriage for 30 years, well that’s what I did.

I was in a sexless marriage. One of many things that finished us off.