Would you support a partner through addiction?

[Stewi]

would it be a dealbreaker or if not at what point would it become a dealbreaker?

What was the trigger last night? I don't think I could keep supporting relapses.

I took a long time to type and had not seen the update.

multiple relapses and children.

Ovary up

You leave. Minimize the time your children spend with this man as much as possible. Yes, he may get visitation in a split even though he shouldn’t, but they will at least have time in a sane, healthy household where you can model what normal living looks like.

Hi

You have a child. They simply cannot live in the same home as a coke addict.

I'm speaking as someone with experience of addiction.

Addicts prioritise their addiction over all else.

It is never, ever the right decision to be in a relationship with an addict when you have a child, even if the child is theirs too.

Don't teach your child that being with an addict is acceptable.

Don't teach your child to modify their behaviour to appease an addict.

Don't teach your child that it's a woman's job to fix broken men.

You will teach them all these things if you stay with him.

And you'll be spending precious time and energy thinking about and trying to firefight his addictions. Time and energy you could be using for you and your child's future.

Maybe for first attempts to quit. If they relapsed, I like to think I'd make them leave for a while till they sorted themselves out.

I would have initially said it depends on the circumstances but having read your update @Stewi , no. Not for that. Not a second time after he's proved he has no desire or intention of quitting. It's time for him to go. You tried. He failed. The longer you stay with him the more that will reinforce that you think it's actually okay for him to do this and he will continue to make promises and break them. He has to do it for him. He has to want to do it, for himself. Currently, he doesn't want to quit, despite what he's telling you. He's always going to have these oopsidaisy moments and then you're back to square one.

So sorry, OP.

One of the reasons I left my alcoholic H was that I knew even if he was sober, I would ALWAYS be living in fear of relapses.

I’d never really be “safe”, no matter how many months or years had passed.

We didn’t have children which made it “easier”. He died aged 39.

I think you know deep down what you need to do. And I’m sorry.

👆🏻...this.

You're talking multiple relapses and a child involved. It's time to go. I gave mine too many chances.

Most use the victim card to their advantage, even if they get the substance abuse under control.

Thank you for posting the other side.

My now DH also stuck around and supported me. I'm 3 years sober and we're incredibly happy. In return he gets the absolute best of me.

I don't think there is any shame in admitting that you can't continue a relationship with an addict. Having a relationship with someone who has addiction issues is difficult, exhausting and all consuming.

You have to do what is right for you and your children. You can support from afar if this is something that you want to do/feel you can do.

I’m going to ask him to go, he has family that will let him stay.
Im finding it difficult to know what to say to the DC, eldest is a teenager (with a world of google at their fingertips) I don’t want them to become curious about drugs if thats talked about.
The trigger last night was stress, the stress was real but it doesn’t excuse it, I’ve dealt with things without drugs or alcohol!

Thank you for all your comments, I promise I am reading them all and it’s useful to gain different perspectives

I tried for a long, long time but called it quits this summer. I genuinely hadn't realised how mentally and physically exhausted I was until I had a bit of time and space for myself. I wouldn't do it again.

@ThisShitsBananas on the whole, by the time people post on here about their OH's addiction issues, it has usually been going on for years. There is often Buse involved - you were fortunate that there was not, you were fortunate that your husband was willing to make changes and admit there was a problem. The majority of us are not that lucky - please do not dismiss us as people who walked away from relationships easily. It's disrespectful.

Your teenager has been dealing with the addiction even if you think you have kept the children sheltered to date. You should be honest about the cause. This if the unglamorous side of substance use. Living near it is the best deterrence in the world.

No. Don't put your child through this. They don't deserve it.

Your children’s father is an addict, he needs to leave.

Yes, and I did. I would strongly advise against it and would never do so again.

That was my immediate reaction when I saw the question...

No. Would I have done so as a younger woman? Yes I would have and I would have undoubtedly consigned myself to a shit time.
At 47 now? No I bloody would fucking not.

I agree he needs to leave. Tough love is one of the main things you need to do if you are going to offer him support.

You don't have to though - you are 100% correct in what you say. The majority of us can deal with stress without addiction. I think for me it was different, gambling is easy to hide. The kids just thought he was sat playing on his phone.

I was friends with a family where the husband was addicted to drugs. Lovely family, nice house, good jobs etc. He was thousands upon thousands in debt due to his addiction. It came out 3 years ago and they are still together. The wife looks like she's aged 20 years, she's a shell of the person she was, doesn't smile anymore and very hard faced. It's her choice to stick with him but it doesn't look like a happy one.

Basically this.

If my DH developed addiction, I'd support him.

I dated someone once who was in recovery from drug addiction. He'd been in recovery for some years, he was honest about his addiction.
He relapsed 3 months into our relationship. I left.

Absolutely not. I tried to when I was young and stupid. Never again.