Would you support a partner through addiction?

[Stewi]

would it be a dealbreaker or if not at what point would it become a dealbreaker?

This is such a hard thing to do that I don’t think anyone should volunteer to put themselves in this position, as a friend possibly but as a partner never.

No.Especially if children were or could be involved.

I was bought up in a household where addiction to drugs/drink dominated my everyday.

I'm 50 now and still having therapy. You just end up feeling not good enough

I've done it, won't do it again, would advise anyone to run a mile, they'll never care as much about anything or anyone as do about the focus of their addiction. Alcohol, drugs, gambling.....just run, even recovered addicts, just don't, it's a lifelong struggle and despite not wanting to they bring such pain and anxiety to everyone they love 😔

Almost certainly not. Depends on a few factors, as others have said. But I would lean very strongly to 'no'.

Well, exactly. The being married part is a moot point, lm just not into addicts and their addictions. It’s usually ALL about them and very wearing. The last post l saw about addiction on here, then the women’s husband blamed his last gambling rampage on her. WTAF. It was clear he didn’t want to take an responsibility

I'm support them but they wouldn't be allowed in the home until they were established in recovery. I'm not subjecting my child to that.

Yes. I remember posting about my husband drinking too much and everyone on here told me to leave, I’ll end up being abused, my life will be miserable etc. so glad I didn’t listen. I supported my husband and he’s now a whole year alcohol free. Peoples relationships on here seem to be on such a very thin thread that such tiny things make them end their marriages. I find it bizarre.

Depends what 'support' means.

Tbh in my current situation (widowed, adult child at uni, boyfriend, living alone) no, I wouldn't. I went through enough with my late dh's illness and I dont think i have it in me to be that kind of partner any more. Mental illness and addiction don't just require physical and emotional help, you have to spend energy just to keep your own perspective of normality straight, and to step through how to acknowledge their reality without entering into it. It's exhausting in a particularly non-stop way.

No. Been there. My ex is an alcoholic. I didn't just leave him straight away like a previous poster seems to think. It was 10 long years of hell, thanks. Hardly a tiny thing ending my marriage! I regret not splitting sooner. I thought I couldn't go it alone, and then finally realised I'd been doing it all alone anyway.

I wouldn't do it again.

depends on the addiction

If they were willing to help themselves and follow the plan with xtra support then yes I would support them but if they were taking the piss and not taking it seriously and relapsing then no I wouldn’t.

myself and my children come first.

I’ve been through this and i wouldn’t help them unless they asked for help with finding rehabs/therapists etc it’s best to kick them out and let them either self destruct or decide to get help themselves , if kids are involved it is the most destructive thing for them to be around it’s awful not only for them but you aswell, the mental torture is awful I suffered ptsd for around a year. So yeah best thing I learned was to give them the boot and focus on myself and the kids wish I had done it much sooner I feel like all the mollycoddling makes them act in victim mode for far too long.

but even then, there is no way I would want to be in a relationship with them.

Highly functional just isn't enough for me.
As others have said, the focus of that person is always their addictive substance, and that will always be more important than you. Or the kids.

I could not/ do not want to be the second best to alcohol or pills etc

Presumably if one of your children became an addict you would support them?

It's very easy to say "nah, not for me, bin them off", and if it was a new relationship I hope people would actually do that. But if you have years or decades of loving someone behind you, and it's a new problem rather than one you've had to live with all that time - people aren't that disposable.

Of course they have to ideally admit to the problem and commit to healing themselves. And of course in cases of violence/abuse, the only thing to do is get out quickly.

I have an addict in my family, life has been difficult, he was supported , encouraged, taken to the addiction centre, accompanied to psychologists, searching woods at night to find them, followed the ambulance after the suicide attempt, sat by his bed in ICU for a month, I’ve had numerous holidays cut short or spoiled, done my damn hardest to support but it was all thrown back in my face when I wouldn’t do one thing. Never mind the 101 amazing things I have done.

so there is no need to preach to me, I’ve been there, done it, worn the t shirt and walked away with my head held high knowing I tried my best.

my mum did too and in the end she ended up in the hospital having had a stroke due to stress, so please I don’t need anyone preaching to me about how “disposable “ life is.

That question is unanswerable. It's like 'how long is a piece of string'.

Me too!
Hope you are both living your best life now!

It absolutely depends. If that person is adamant they won't need help then no. It's pointless.

If the person has reached that point of needing help and actually wanting - and I mean truly wanting - to recover then possibly.

But it really does depend. If the person was physically abusive then not a chance.

In my husbands case he was gambling as a way of dealing was past trauma and suicide of a parent. I left but if still supported him. We are currently figuring out wether we can save things but live separately.

I would like to point out though - when I say gambling, he was gambling every day as a way to deal with stress and grief. He wasn't spending all our money, we still had more than enough to save each month. The bills were all paid and food on the table. He isn't in debt and never borrowed money off anyone because of his gambling. If it had got to that point then I would of divorced him in a heartbeat.

It depends. For example, if they had an addiction to OTC codeine, yeah no problem. If they were addicted to getting pissed out of their mind, absolutely not.

It would really all depend on what the addiction was, what stage the addiction was at and where I was in my life.

I would like to think that I would support, at the very least from afar, but I honestly couldn't say hand on heart that I would. I've had a family member who was an addict and I really wouldn't want my children to be part of it unless in very established recovery.

Completely depends on the circumstances, the person, their treatment plan, their view of the situation, the impact on me and others to date, where they would be better going it alone, what the addiction, first time etc.

Off the top of my head, I cannot thing of anyone I know who truly recovered from addiction without a massive change in their circumstances.

I was the addict (alcoholic & gambling) so I would hope that someone would show faith in my ability to maintain healthy behaviours within a relationship.

Congratulations on your recovery. Many addicts are completely unable to maintain unhealthy behaviours in their relationships. It is perfectly reasonable for desperate partners to make the heartbreaking decision to walk away.

Many are, and many are not. It’s about faith & acceptance, I think.

I hit “post” too soon, sorry!
I wasn’t advocating that people stay in toxic relationships. Rather, it’s so multifaceted. For example, what about exercise addiction, or workaholics, or dietary restriction (bordering on anorexia)? They are kinds of addictions, too, but couples seem to live around them. It’s so hard to say. Today I am well, but who knows, tomorrow?

I found that when I left my DH, all my addictions went, too. Bring around him was stressful. On the other hand, I’m close with an old friend who has been drying out from his addictions to cocaine, codeine, alcohol and marijuana. It’s too early for me to tell if I would embark on a relationship (it is on offer) but o have faith in his recovery.