Would you support a partner through addiction?

[Stewi]

would it be a dealbreaker or if not at what point would it become a dealbreaker?

Sorry about the typos

I've been with DH for 25 years, so if he developed an addiction I would support him for as long as I felt I could.

If we split up I wouldn't get together with a new partner who had an addiction, as I don't owe them that kind of loyalty.

Interesting you mentioned workaholics. Gisele Bündchen is leaving her husband for this reason. Many people do not just put up with it

I tried. Myself and my eldest now have PTSD and the marriage broke down anyway.

I tried to do it once and it nearly destroyed me.

I would never ever do it again.

Exactly...

No. Not after already experiencing it with a family member. No way.

Thank you both. I hope you are both doing well. Such hard thing for anybody to understand without going through it. It feels supportive to know others have been there too.

I’m almost exactly a year out and doing so much better.
I look back at it like some kind of fever dream or madness.

It’s so easy to lose all sense of normality, boundaries and reason when with an addict. They can suck you into the frantic chaos of their world and it’s hard to see out of it. It’s like I lost all my senses during that time.

I’m not advising anyone to leave or to stay.

My advise is don’t keep it a secret or try and hide it. It needs to be fully out in the open.
Make sure you have a lot of support to keep yourself stable and not get lost in it all.
Don’t believe their words look at the the actions.
Don’t try put yourself between them and rock bottom if that’s where they are determined to go. In the end it hurts you both by prolonging the pain.

When I left and my ex hit rock bottom he got sober but by then it was too late for me.

Was replying to @Cantthinkofanewnameatm @MarryMeTomHardy

@gannett · Today 10:43

Presumably if one of your children became an addict you would support them?
My 42 year old son is an alcoholic and has been all his adult life. No attempt to encourage him or support him.to quit has worked. I currently have nothing to do with him as he Insists on self destruction and can be verbally abusive. He lives a chaotic life that I refuse to engage with.

Depends on the addiction.
Class A drugs - absolutely not, I have a child to consider and I don't want the police at my door. Gambling addiction, been there done that, didn't work - eventually got divorced.

I do think to an extent breaking an addiction has to come from the addict themselves

If children are involved categorically NO! Our home is a safe place, not a rehab centre.

If child was an addict, would it impact other child/children doing so?

If no children were in the equation:

Sex addiction NO
Drug addiction NO
Alcohol Depends on the circumstances (violence etc)
Gambling NO

If they brought the problem to me, confessed, then I'd give one chance. Obviously that would include them getting help and doing whatever was necessary. Any relapse and it would be over. If I discovered the problem and they'd tried to deny it or minimise it, it would be over. There's no point trying to talk someone into rehab. It's something people have to choose to do for themselves because they want to change, not because someone else has given them an ultimatum about it.

Depends on what the addiction is, if I had kids, what the back story is, how it's impacted the family. So many variables

If it was a newish partner and I discovered one day that they had an existing addiction to something like drugs or gambling, then I would probably leave.

If it was a long term partner/ husband who developed an addiction that had never previously been an issue, that would be different and I would be more likely to stay, as long as they'd been honest about it and were committed to getting help.

On balance, probably not. I have long been a people pleaser and have spent too long helping people to my own detriment. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to put myself and my happiness first for a change. In the case of addiction it’s important to say, ‘My happiness is more important to me than your happiness, and I will not try to make you happy when it makes me unhappy’ because you can bet your ass they’re not trying to make you happy. They’re thinking only of themselves.

I would stay with my partner if he was ill because I know he loves and respects me, but I would stay with an addict because he only loves and respects his addiction.

*wouldn’t ffs 🙄

Sorry was at work.

it’s drugs - cocaine.
being a bit vague as I don’t want anyone IRL to recognise but parter (long term), something in childhood that has had an impact on rest of life (not an excuse but don’t want to drip feed)
He used drugs recreationally when first met but only ever when out drinking and after having a baby this didn’t happen much, it really ramped up before our 2nd child was born, never violent, always used own money but very paranoid and would accuse me of things.
Would often spend evenings doing it and then sleep til late morning.
I was young and a bit naive, believed he would change. Asked him to go eventually and he did sort himself out, came back and things had been good for a few years,

Had a relapse after a family party last year, supported him through that and again has been good since….until last night.
I don’t know what to do

I’m so sorry to hear this, Stewi.
I understand the hallmarks of cocaine misuse, as I am supporting this old friend through withdrawal. It is complicated, isn’t it? I know there are charities which support caters, hope you can find help.

Carers

It depends on how the partner is addressing the issue. If it is addressed very early and aggressively with full responsibility, then possibly. Otherwise we will have to live separately while the partner gets better.

I have lived through life as a child of an addict. I will not subject my child to that life. I will not subject myself to that life.

if I ever find myself slipping into addiction, I want my spouse to make whatever decisions are necessary to prioritize our child, even if those decisions hurt me. Making those hard decisions is true love, not enabling or coddling the addict.

No
I have supported my child through addiction. I never stopped supporting her. It wasn't easy and effected the whole family but I would never have walked away from her.
Sometimes I used to wish it was DH then I would have walked away and never looked back.

Any sort of addiction would be a deal breaker for me now.