Have any of you married your "lover"?

[MoreSpamThanGlam]

What I mean is, have you been the other woman and he left and then you got married?

Or have you/are you the other woman?

AND - does this mean that you are a troll of the relationship type (marriage wrecker/evil queen).

"I just dont think anyone (unless they really are said bitch) sets out to have affair with married man. I just think friendships can develope - and I also tried several times to end relationship and tbh i dont regret a thing. Bitch I must be - ho hum."

Me too

Anna - that wasn't actually the question I asked. I asked whether you would feel the same if it was your DD that was the child of divorcing parents, where one parent had been conducting an affair.

NKF - yes, and you go on and on and on about suffering - is that not finger pointing and stigmatising?

What about all the children whose parents fought and made their lives a misery and who neglected their children because they were so miserable in their relationships and who are then able, because they are in a new and happy relationship, to learn to become much better parents?

Well said@Zippi

Anna, I think you want to believe that childen are fine with divorce. And if I were in your position I would probably want the same.

And to make it clear, the choice is not between living in a bad relationship, the choice is about how to end that bad relationship.

The choice is not between staying and leaving but between leaving due to a failed marriage, or leaving because the grass is greener...

I am sure most women (and men) who have been the 'other' person in a relationship give a lot of thought to the pain they may cause and very seldom is it done without a great deal of soul searching and difficulty.

Yes, of course, soapbox - if I separated from my partner my very first concern would be to find another partner and to make a stable home environment for my daughter. What other course of action could I possibly reasonably take? She wouldn't be better off in a single parent family - she'd be better off in a home with a loving and supportive couple.

Very true@soapbox

NKF, I think that's quite a patronising thing to say to Anna. Many second marriages do work. My mum and stepdad have been together for 20 years (my parents marriage fell apart after 9 yrs). I know scores of people who rub along alright in step families. And scores of people who have very bad relationships with their married parents. And vice versa on both accounts.

You are over simplifying things.

But how does one get in that position in the first place? There are any number of points in building a relationship with a married person, that should have any decent person shouting STOP!

Agree Anna - I have seen children suffer a great deal through parents in unhappy relationships, my own mother did. I have also seen children of divorced parents have very happy lives.

Anna - how would you end a relationship which you were tired of? Would you end it with an affair, or would you leave first and then find a new partner?

I think perhaps all of this boils down to individual perspectives on how one should treat another person we are in a relationship with. I happen to think that hurting someone who I love or have loved dearly, is too high a price to pay for an 'easy' exit. Other people perhaps feel differently.

Cardy - the choice is not between an unhappy relationship or not. If it is that unhappy END IT. But there is no need to do so by committing adultery.

Many people do 'shout STOP' many many times. If only life and people and emotions were as simple as that. If only people didn't make mistakes etc. etc.

NKF - children mostly are fine with divorce when outsiders aren't finger pointing and tut tutting and making their lives and the lives of their parents difficult - and when their parents don't feel that they have some kind of misguided duty to undermine one another but are able to move on and build a new and healthy life.

I know masses of children whose parents are divorced - on average they have no more difficulties in life than any other children.

Actually, I have a theory - the people who finger point the most at blended families are the ones who are clinging desperately to rocky marriages. Stigmatising blended families (and perceiving difficulties they don't have) is just a mechanism for making them feel better for not being brave enough to get out of their own sticky situations.

I don't think people make a concious decision 'I am not happy therefore I shall find someone else' that is over simplifying things. As somebody else said friendships develop. People often try and deny their feeling for the sake of saving someone from pain. Like I said life sometimes isn't that straight forward.

Cardy, I suppose I just cannot understand how it starts in the first place. At what point do you say, 'I'm really unhappy in my relationship so I'll make a play for the next attractive person that comes along.'

I can't imagine caring so little for someone that I could casually inflict that pain on them.

BTW, I'm no advocate of it all being the OW fault. The blame in my book attaches quite firmly to the person who is betraying their partner - the person who is trusted by that person not to do things that will hurt or harm them.

soapbox - at this point in my life I am absolutely not thinking about exit strategies. I have no idea.

I have always said that couples who are miserable should get divorced. Then down they road they should move on. But when there are children involved this all has to be done IN THE RIGHT WAY.

I don't think anyone on here is saying that people should stay in unhappy marriages.

I have a theory too Anna - those that dislike the concept of infedelity are those that do not possess the morals of an alley cat (wink in place of a tongue in cheek emotion).

I can only speak from my own experience of being the other woman.

My DH wasn't married (& no kids), but he was in a long term relationship, living together with a mortgage etc. We became friends, realised there was an attraction, stopped seeing each other as friends for a while, bumped into each other again at a party, the attraction was stronger than ever...He took me away for a weekend (we didn't sleep together - honestly - but it was 'cheating' in plain terms because he lied about where he was to his partner). We talked solidly for two days. We realised we wanted to be together. we started seeing each other several times a week, and started a sexual relationship. After a couple of months of this, neither of us could bear the guilt and the sneaking around and lies. DH was scared - yes, cowardly, I guess you could say - of what it would do to his partner. I was sick of being the other woman. He went home and told her (we had been having an affair for about 3 months I think). She already knew (had nosed into his email inbox read an email from him to me) and was biding her time, waiting to see if he would confess. It was a very difficult situation. She wasn't an angry, screaming, crying type. I think she just felt very let down and disappointed, as their relationship had been rocky for a while - she actually said to him, 'why didn't you just end it if you were unhappy?', which is a fair point, I guess. DH felt awful guilt for a long while. I was annoyed for letting myself get into the situation in the first place, but I didn't feel huge amounts of guilt. I was younger and more selfish then, though. I don't think I would repeat the situation - not in a million years. It worked out, though. Time eased a lot of stuff for everyone.

that should have said "down the road they should move on...DOWN THE ROAD.

I think it is sad that people need to be in a relationship to be happy.

MF - thank you for that - it was very open and honest of you to post that

Motherfunker,

would you have done the same if they had young kids?

Or would you have stayed out of the way until he split with his wife and the kids had adjusted (even if it took years). Of course if he was the right person for you and you are meant to be together waiting a while to see eachother shouldn't be a problem.

Good description MF. I think it could be a true description of the beginging of many affairs, mine included.

I don't think it is quite a premeditated as some people suggest.