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Original poster

Am I the loser magnet or overreacting

82 replies

Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:00

Been speaking to a guy less than a week a week from Online dating.

Tonight we are no longer talking and he’s blocked me.

some things are a bit of, such as him wanting/expecting a hug when we meet but others I’m just thinking is there a guy out there for me.

Im bad at communicating. I’ve done lots of Therapy but I did outline to this guy what I wanted. I really don’t like making a lot of decisions and want a man to be head of household. He was fine with that…. But now he’s sort of said I’ve got all these demands like a tick box etc… I suggested he perhaps had the same etc.

anyway, who cares, he’s blocked me.

any thing I can do as I seem to be attracting men who can’t communicate or don’t treat me well :(

OP posts:
Joopy · 10/10/2022 23:04

Why do you want a man to make decisions for you?

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 23:06

So you've been speaking less than a week and haven't met IRL yet but you've had discussions about how you like men to take charge of decision making and to be head of the household?

That sounds pretty intense and depending on what other preferences you've expressed or what questions you've asked, I can see how he's maybe got the impression you're doing a tick box exercise

Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:11

Joopy · 10/10/2022 23:04

Why do you want a man to make decisions for you?

I would prefer to be with a more dominant person…. As someone has to make the final decision, like they do at work. Nothing wrong with that. Lots of relationships are like this already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:11

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 23:06

So you've been speaking less than a week and haven't met IRL yet but you've had discussions about how you like men to take charge of decision making and to be head of the household?

That sounds pretty intense and depending on what other preferences you've expressed or what questions you've asked, I can see how he's maybe got the impression you're doing a tick box exercise

yea he was encouraging a lot of it and he’s it was getting intense etc. I’m just quite submissive and I want to make that clear at the start.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 23:11

If you spell out that you are a doormat, you are going to attract dodgy, controlling guys.
You can't hand over responsibility to some one else for your decisions , at least not till you know who they are, and even then it's risky. Why on earth would you do that within the first week of meeting someone? You are lucky that all he did was block you. It could have been way worse.

Newusernameaug · 10/10/2022 23:14

It reads like you’re a lamb walking up to slaughter houses asking them to take you 😳

Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:15

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 23:11

If you spell out that you are a doormat, you are going to attract dodgy, controlling guys.
You can't hand over responsibility to some one else for your decisions , at least not till you know who they are, and even then it's risky. Why on earth would you do that within the first week of meeting someone? You are lucky that all he did was block you. It could have been way worse.

im not a doormat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:15

I don’t want to be with a man who is unable to make a decision…. What’s wrong with that?

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 10/10/2022 23:19

Seems a lot within just a week of talking? I'm not surprised you got blocked. Seemed like instead of just chatting and getting 'vibes' of if they are the type of man for you, you put out your 'expectations'. Tbh, saying those sorts of things gives off gold digger vibes to me, expecting a man to be head of the house etc.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 10/10/2022 23:21

Try FetLife or your local BDSM group. And start with an open negotiation as equals, don’t just spring this on random vanillas! The dominant has to consent as well. 🤷‍♀️

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 23:23

In the first week of chatting before you've even met the chat should be light hearted and fun.

From what your said and his response that he feels like you are ticking boxes, I'm guessing it has felt more like an interrogation to see if he meets your needs/preferences

The deeper conversations come over time as you naturally get to know each other.

The alternative is to do what you're doing and use it as a filtering process to find a very specific type of individual to meet more niche preferences. This should be effective in filtering out anyone with different outlooks/tastes but then you can't complain when it doesn't work. it's been effective in filtering out those who are not like minded

Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:26

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 23:23

In the first week of chatting before you've even met the chat should be light hearted and fun.

From what your said and his response that he feels like you are ticking boxes, I'm guessing it has felt more like an interrogation to see if he meets your needs/preferences

The deeper conversations come over time as you naturally get to know each other.

The alternative is to do what you're doing and use it as a filtering process to find a very specific type of individual to meet more niche preferences. This should be effective in filtering out anyone with different outlooks/tastes but then you can't complain when it doesn't work. it's been effective in filtering out those who are not like minded

Yes true. I apologised etc.

maybe I’m just not emotionally mature for relationshipsv

OP posts:
Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:27

He just went of at me…. Which i didn’t like. Instead of just asking for clarity. that’s not normal?

OP posts:
EmilyBrontesaurus · 10/10/2022 23:30

Too intense for one week in. No need to discuss how you like your men or how you will or won't hug on the first date. Just do small talk and arrange a date if you want to (with the next one I mean)

Original poster
Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:44

EmilyBrontesaurus · 10/10/2022 23:30

Too intense for one week in. No need to discuss how you like your men or how you will or won't hug on the first date. Just do small talk and arrange a date if you want to (with the next one I mean)

Yes :( if only we just meet as agreed :( maybe I wouldn’t be here

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 00:12

there’s absolutely nothing wrong in being submissive and looking for a dominant man. Just make it very clear in your profile. And remember: submissive DOES NOT equal doormat. You probably scared this man of because you were very
upfront with your needs. Good riddance.Next one! 🤣

Original poster
Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 09:24

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 00:12

there’s absolutely nothing wrong in being submissive and looking for a dominant man. Just make it very clear in your profile. And remember: submissive DOES NOT equal doormat. You probably scared this man of because you were very
upfront with your needs. Good riddance.Next one! 🤣

thanks

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 11/10/2022 09:30

Way too much for someone you've not even met. Go on a date or two with someone, see how it goes, then have some sort of discussion.

RandomMusings7 · 11/10/2022 09:35

You can't really choose who you attract. However, you can finely tune your red flag detector to weed out the bad ones ASAP. Work on knowing what your standards are and on holding your boundaries firmly and ruthlessly.

OLD is full of losers and players. It just is. Takes time and effort to screen people out and it's terribly frustrating, but not hopeless.

I met my partner of 3 years on tinder and I know at least 2 married couples who started out that way.

baileys6904 · 11/10/2022 09:43

Think about it. If you are an abusive uncommunicative controlling arsehole looking for love, and a woman is chatting to you saying she likes to be submissive, you're gonna think all your Christmases have come at once. Perhaps why you've not had much luck so far.
Also Why would you not wait to see if he's an idiot before trusting him with your final says?
I get what you mean OP, I like being able to have someone to bounce ideas off and ultimately take a decision if I'm not able to or don't want to, but I haven't handed that power to just anyone, and certainly not someone I've never met.
Chill out, things will come naturally. The longer you talk, the more the dynamics will come out. Don't interview folk, just enjoy getting to meet new people

RandomMusings7 · 11/10/2022 09:48

Think about it. If you are an abusive uncommunicative controlling arsehole looking for love, and a woman is chatting to you saying she likes to be submissive, you're gonna think all your Christmases have come at once.

this x1000! It's ok to have this outlook, but for the love of God don't go advertising it! It's a magnet for abusive controlling misogynistic scum.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 11/10/2022 09:49

Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:15

I don’t want to be with a man who is unable to make a decision…. What’s wrong with that?

Yet you can't make one yourself!

RainyDaysareCarp · 11/10/2022 09:54

Why on earth would you get into this depth of discussion with someone you have never met and within one week?

Doingprettywellthanks · 11/10/2022 09:55

I really don’t like making a lot of decisions and want a man to be head of household

gross

Doingprettywellthanks · 11/10/2022 09:57

Do you have children op?