Page 2 | Am I the loser magnet or overreacting

Loserlacey · 2022-10-10T22:00:47+00:00

Been speaking to a guy less than a week a week from Online dating. Tonight we are no longer talking and he’s blocked me. some things are a bit of, such as him wanting/expecting a hug when we meet but others I’m just thinking is there a guy out there for me. Im bad at communicating. I’ve done lots of Therapy but I did outline to this guy what I wanted. I really don’t like making a lot of decisions and want a man to be head of household. He was fine with that…. But now he’s sort of said I’ve got all these demands like a tick box etc… I suggested he perhaps had the same etc. anyway, who cares, he’s blocked me. any thing I can do as I seem to be attracting men who can’t communicate or don’t treat me well :(

CatchersAndDreams · 11/10/2022 10:06

I think it's a bit odd that you don't want to make decisions. I had an indecisive partner once. It did my absolute head in and I think it's selfish.

How can you expect anyone to want to get to know you when you don't even know yourself?

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 10:35

What a bunch of harsh an awful responses FGS, the OP is a sub and is looking for a dominant man because that’s her thing, just as some men are looking for a dominant woman. She knows herself, what she wants and is going for it which is something that scares the hell out of some guys. She’s doing the right thing by weeding out her candidates on the phone. Why loose your time on two dates with a guy who turned out to be submissive or a total wuss? Just be clear and upfront. Being dominant doesn’t make a man a t-wat.

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 12:25

CatchersAndDreams · 11/10/2022 10:06

I think it's a bit odd that you don't want to make decisions. I had an indecisive partner once. It did my absolute head in and I think it's selfish.

How can you expect anyone to want to get to know you when you don't even know yourself?

I know myself.
i don’t need to have the level of control whereby everything needs to be discussed. People like making decisions, need that control. Others don’t.

OP posts:

Doingprettywellthanks · 11/10/2022 12:29

Op do you have children?

if so, please please avoid this kind of relationship

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 12:29

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 10:35

What a bunch of harsh an awful responses FGS, the OP is a sub and is looking for a dominant man because that’s her thing, just as some men are looking for a dominant woman. She knows herself, what she wants and is going for it which is something that scares the hell out of some guys. She’s doing the right thing by weeding out her candidates on the phone. Why loose your time on two dates with a guy who turned out to be submissive or a total wuss? Just be clear and upfront. Being dominant doesn’t make a man a t-wat.

Thank you.

OP posts:

frozendaisy · 11/10/2022 12:33

What decisions are you thinking need to be made by one dominant partner?

Because that is not how normal life works.

I mean who cooks dinner, or where to live, these are two very different decisions but both need to be made.

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 12:39

frozendaisy · 11/10/2022 12:33

What decisions are you thinking need to be made by one dominant partner?

Because that is not how normal life works.

I mean who cooks dinner, or where to live, these are two very different decisions but both need to be made.

I don’t need to define what I want, to my life, to you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 12:39

^because ultimately you will criticise

OP posts:

CatchersAndDreams · 11/10/2022 13:09

If you want a sub/dom relationship why are you not on sub/fom sites?

If that's your kink then that's your kink but if you're looking for someone without that kink (and it was other posters who said that was what you wanted) then you're probably not going to get far. Most people don't want a parental type of role in a relationship where they have to decide everything for the other person. Most people don't want someone else's mental load.

Watchkeys · 11/10/2022 13:19

Loserlacey · 10/10/2022 23:15

I don’t want to be with a man who is unable to make a decision…. What’s wrong with that?

He has made a decision.

And that's fine. It doesn't mean you're a 'loser magnet'. It doesn't mean you're anything, except someone he doesn't want a relationship with.

pinkpanel · 11/10/2022 13:45

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 10:35

What a bunch of harsh an awful responses FGS, the OP is a sub and is looking for a dominant man because that’s her thing, just as some men are looking for a dominant woman. She knows herself, what she wants and is going for it which is something that scares the hell out of some guys. She’s doing the right thing by weeding out her candidates on the phone. Why loose your time on two dates with a guy who turned out to be submissive or a total wuss? Just be clear and upfront. Being dominant doesn’t make a man a t-wat.

Nobody's disagreeing with this but she can hardly then complain when she weeds out those who are not on the same page as her.

Surely that's the whole point? If they're not compatible why is she upset he's decided not to meet her?

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 14:02

pinkpanel · 11/10/2022 13:45

Nobody's disagreeing with this but she can hardly then complain when she weeds out those who are not on the same page as her.

Surely that's the whole point? If they're not compatible why is she upset he's decided not to meet her?

Show quote history

Agree, many men don’t want to be dominant, others get scared of an assertive woman who knows what she wants and has no qualms in voicing it. OLD is a weeding process. She was not this mans cup of tea so it’s a good thing they both found out so early. I see no loss here. OP should clearly state in her profile she’s looking for a dominant man as to avoid subs, awkward conversations and wasted time. It will reduce her pool of “applicants “ for sure but those few who apply will be more suited.

CatchersAndDreams · 11/10/2022 14:20

She hasn't actually said she wants a sub/dom relationship. She might not like being told what to do when it comes to it 😂

Personally it feels to me OP doesn't want to be a grown up rather than wants to be a sub.

RandomMusings7 · 11/10/2022 14:22

She wants to be a 50s housewife, not a sex slave lol

forgotoldusername · 11/10/2022 14:23

OP, I thought Dom/sub and that stuff was sexual only (but I don't know not my cup of tea). A successful man wants a successful and assertive woman as this guy blocking you proves. Honestly you sound like a doormat and that would be very offputting to me (but I'm not a man). And going in with all these demands? He must have also thought that you don't want to work and want him to be the sole provider. Are you unemployed/ in a low paid/unskilled job (sorry for the assumptions here )?

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 14:58

forgotoldusername · 11/10/2022 14:23

OP, I thought Dom/sub and that stuff was sexual only (but I don't know not my cup of tea). A successful man wants a successful and assertive woman as this guy blocking you proves. Honestly you sound like a doormat and that would be very offputting to me (but I'm not a man). And going in with all these demands? He must have also thought that you don't want to work and want him to be the sole provider. Are you unemployed/ in a low paid/unskilled job (sorry for the assumptions here )?

@forgotoldusername A successful man wants a successful and assertive woman as this guy.

Boy oh boy you're wrong here. Successful men don't come in one mold fits all they come under different models, you'll get some who want the pretty trophy wife, others who want someone mature more assertive, my personally experienced is they look for a more "complacent" type. Also successful types tend to do "things their way" (because that's what got them successful in the first place) so they're usually on the dominant side. Plus this guy the OP got rid of we don't know nothing about, he could be successful or living on benefits on his mums basement.

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 15:41

forgotoldusername · 11/10/2022 14:23

OP, I thought Dom/sub and that stuff was sexual only (but I don't know not my cup of tea). A successful man wants a successful and assertive woman as this guy blocking you proves. Honestly you sound like a doormat and that would be very offputting to me (but I'm not a man). And going in with all these demands? He must have also thought that you don't want to work and want him to be the sole provider. Are you unemployed/ in a low paid/unskilled job (sorry for the assumptions here )?

you start of by saying you didn’t know it existed and then go on to make comments about something you don’t know anything about and call me names….

just re read and assess the irony

OP posts:

MsBucket · 11/10/2022 15:47

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 23:11

If you spell out that you are a doormat, you are going to attract dodgy, controlling guys.
You can't hand over responsibility to some one else for your decisions , at least not till you know who they are, and even then it's risky. Why on earth would you do that within the first week of meeting someone? You are lucky that all he did was block you. It could have been way worse.

Agreed. I think you need to continue with therapy OP and work on yourself more. Not to mention focusing on communication which you said that you were bad at.

Original poster

Loserlacey · 11/10/2022 15:51

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 14:58

@forgotoldusername A successful man wants a successful and assertive woman as this guy.

Boy oh boy you're wrong here. Successful men don't come in one mold fits all they come under different models, you'll get some who want the pretty trophy wife, others who want someone mature more assertive, my personally experienced is they look for a more "complacent" type. Also successful types tend to do "things their way" (because that's what got them successful in the first place) so they're usually on the dominant side. Plus this guy the OP got rid of we don't know nothing about, he could be successful or living on benefits on his mums basement.

Show quote history

Very true.
some people need that dominant role and don’t need to seek final approval from the other person for the decisions. I know this relationship will suit me… it’s just finding it.

OP posts:

DismantledKing · 11/10/2022 15:53

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 23:11

If you spell out that you are a doormat, you are going to attract dodgy, controlling guys.
You can't hand over responsibility to some one else for your decisions , at least not till you know who they are, and even then it's risky. Why on earth would you do that within the first week of meeting someone? You are lucky that all he did was block you. It could have been way worse.

This ☝️

Sandra1984 · 11/10/2022 16:03

“Doormat” doesn’t equal “submissive”. Where are posters taking this idea from? OP is being very assertive about her “needs and wants” and making it quite clear before meeting (which is having some men running in the opposite direction), she actually quite the total opposite of a doormat.

Octomore · 11/10/2022 16:05

pinkpanel · 10/10/2022 23:06

So you've been speaking less than a week and haven't met IRL yet but you've had discussions about how you like men to take charge of decision making and to be head of the household?

That sounds pretty intense and depending on what other preferences you've expressed or what questions you've asked, I can see how he's maybe got the impression you're doing a tick box exercise

Agreed. Intense bordering on batshit.

He's not a loser, he just has sensible boundaries and standards.

forgotoldusername · 11/10/2022 16:06

@Sandra1984 she even calls herself "loser" (her username). Sorry but OP does seem to have lots of insecurities and no I wouldn't call her "assertive". All the couples I know and my colleagues are married to real peers, both financially and academically. They would give the OP a very wide swerve and the more I read the more I'm convinced that OP is looking for a meal ticket. Unless she's incredibly beautiful that is unlikely to happen unfortunately for her

Octomore · 11/10/2022 16:06

Also successful types tend to do "things their way" (because that's what got them successful in the first place)

Not necessarily true. Some successful people are collaborative in their approach. The idea that success = dominance is a bit weird.

Octomore · 11/10/2022 16:11

DelphiniumBlue · 10/10/2022 23:11

If you spell out that you are a doormat, you are going to attract dodgy, controlling guys.
You can't hand over responsibility to some one else for your decisions , at least not till you know who they are, and even then it's risky. Why on earth would you do that within the first week of meeting someone? You are lucky that all he did was block you. It could have been way worse.

I also agree with this. The kind of men you'll attract this way are not going to be good ones.