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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another weekend checking my phone

107 replies

Icantdothistoday · 10/10/2022 09:00

I'm totally blindsided by a man who comes in and out of my life. He periodically ghosts me and then one of us contacts each other and the pattern starts again. He tells me he wants me in his life, I get my hopes up, we text for a few days and then nothing! He might text in a few weeks and like a lovesick puppy I run back and then we text for a couple of days and I think we are back on and then its all repeated again! I have ruined another weekend constantly checking my phone for a text and although I am desperate to text I know I will probably get a one sided reply such as "hope you are okay" that doesn't need me to reply! My mental health is shot, I feel like a reject and a sad old needy lady. I've tried everything to move on but I am so hurt and confused I just can't do it anymore. Why treat me so badly, he knows how I feel and always turns it round to his problems. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 10/10/2022 09:02

Block him

Smileeriley · 10/10/2022 09:05

You're doing it to yourself at this stage op. I say that kindly.

ChocChipOwl · 10/10/2022 09:06

Pick up your self respect from where you last popped it, and stop this whole nonsense now.

You're doing this to yourself right now. Stop trying to psychoanalyse him. Who cares? Just block him and move on

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/10/2022 09:09

Block him and get some counselling.

schwerl · 10/10/2022 09:10

Yeah, it’s not that easy to just drop someone when they have the ability to make you feel good. It’s like a drug. You’re addicted to the high of him!

You can get that feel good factor from elsewhere. It sounds like your confidence needs a shake up. Can you get your hair done, have a girls night out or do a Zumba class? Something a bit different?

It’s definitely time to ditch him, especially as he knows his you feel - it’s just cruel to keep you hanging. But you need to replace him with something that makes you feel good.

RandomMusings7 · 10/10/2022 09:11

Block everywhere. Then delete the number. Right now, no second guessing.

You are worth so much more. Yoy just have to ask for it and stop accepting such behaviour.

You can do it! 💐

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 10/10/2022 09:11

Do you ever actually meet?

No matter either way - block him and work on your boundaries and self respect (meant kindly!)

KangarooKenny · 10/10/2022 09:12

You are letting him dangle you on a string, when he jiggles it you come running.
Block him and free yourself.

Badbaddogagain · 10/10/2022 09:16

Delete the entire chat. Block his number everywhere then delete it so you can’t message him. You absolutely have to go cold turkey on this. It will be easier than you think

Dery · 10/10/2022 09:17

“Pick up your self respect from where you last popped it, and stop this whole nonsense now.

You're doing this to yourself right now. Stop trying to psychoanalyse him. Who cares? Just block him and move on”

This. It’s irrelevant why he does this. You’re asking “why” because you want some kind of explanation which softens his mistreatment of you. Which you can use as an excuse to keep going back. Your questions should be “what is he doing and how do you feel about it?”

The reality is that he does this because he can. He doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. He never will. He can’t give you what you want so stop looking to him for it.

You haven’t tried everything to move on - I know this because if you had, you would have moved on. The vast majority of us have had to deal with heartbreak - with caring for someone who doesn’t care for us or for whom we care more than they do for us. Big girls’ pants on, OP. Take yourself out of this situation. Stop the contact. Fill your life with some fun activities, meetings with friends etc. Start a new hobby. Put him behind you.

Original poster
Icantdothistoday · 10/10/2022 09:20

Yes we do meet and that's why I think we are back on because he seems so keen at the time but I'm not stupid enough to believe its only because he wants sex. I block him and then panic that I am the one in the wrong and what if he tries to contact me. I do know how stupid this all sounds. I am in my early fifties so should know better.

OP posts:
youlightupmyday · 10/10/2022 09:23

I had this, it took years. It is like a drug. Go cold turkey and be irritated at him behaving like a man child!

RandomMusings7 · 10/10/2022 09:24

Only one way to end this struggle. Have you blocked and deleted him yet?

Why are you choosing to victimise yourself by keeping him in your life? You are doinng this to yourself...

youlightupmyday · 10/10/2022 09:25

We are more vulnerable when we are older because of fewer options. He is not.the man you want in your life and will keep you from being open to meeting the right one

RosieCockle · 10/10/2022 09:25

Oh my, I thought you'd be in your 20s. Yeah, do yourself a favour and block him. Then relax.

Original poster
Icantdothistoday · 10/10/2022 09:31

@youlightupmyday definitely the vulnerability of age thing. Is it because I am not attractive anymore/too old? That's what goes through my head time and time again. Trying to be there for someone who really doesn't give a toss is so soul destroying.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/10/2022 09:38

Only you can put an end to this.

Badbaddogagain · 10/10/2022 09:39

It’s about him, not you. It’s because he is a dick. Erase him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2022 09:40

Drop the rope he holds out to you.

Do not try and be there for someone who does not give a toss about you.
Why would you do that to yourself?.

You're now in your 50s; what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Were you taught that your feelings were unimportant and or did not matter and or to put your own feelings dead last?. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works. These types of damaging lessons leave a marked impact on adulthood and relationships going forward.

He will further mess with your already poor mental health if you at all continue with this charade of a relationship. He targeted you deliberately to use so.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 10/10/2022 09:41

Why do you want to be there for an arse?

He doesnt care about you. You are a distraction. Sorry if that is harsh, but I'm sure you know it is true.

Block and move on. Best of luck.

JamSandle · 10/10/2022 09:43

For him it's a game.

Actions not words. Everything else is an illusion.

Aposterhasnoname · 10/10/2022 09:45

The reason he treats you this badly op is that you
let him. Stop letting him. Block him and move on, it really is that simple.

elephantseal · 10/10/2022 09:45

Just block him and forget about him!!

AuntieStella · 10/10/2022 09:45

Icantdothistoday · 10/10/2022 09:31

@youlightupmyday definitely the vulnerability of age thing. Is it because I am not attractive anymore/too old? That's what goes through my head time and time again. Trying to be there for someone who really doesn't give a toss is so soul destroying.

It's not because you are too old or not attractive enough.

It's because this one person isn't particularly attracted to you. That's because of who he is, not because of who you are.

Either accept fully that what you have is a penpal, or stop contact.

If you stay in touch with other hopes, all you're doing is putting your energy into a dead end. And there's better places for it to go to than that

babyorhouse · 10/10/2022 09:49

Please block him. I’ve been in a similar situation where my partner broke up with me but after a few weeks kept doing this to me. I finally blocked him and the relief and liberation I felt was unreal (alongside a tinge of sadness) OP please respect yourself enough to do the same Flowers

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