Year 7 son being racially and homophobically bullied in school

[ilovemyautumns]

After a difficult marriage, this summer i left my husband and took custody of my two children and upsticked and moved to another part of the country.

My son's a quiet type and I strong had reservations about this secondary school due to its reputation and with every other million thing i had to sort out with moving, family court i tried challenging this but they said theirs another school a long distance away.

Since my son's gone to this school and because he stands out as he's not from this area hes being picked on. Kids being kids pick on what's different and start calling him racial stuff and one of his uncle gave him a LGBT wristband which he wore to school. Big mistake ! the kids seized on this and to no end have been abusing him with homophobic words. He has made zero friends since starting in September and despite phone calls and meetings with the school teacher it feels like its being swept under the carpet as this school is literally called "Australia" in the area. Meaning like how Oz was a dump for criminals, all the kids who are expelled eventually end up in this school hence the analogy.

Some of the "sensible" kids are scared stiff of the bullies and don't speak out when witnessing things. My son says a police car always come to the school, fights all the time, the whole science class having to stay behind and be searched because someone stole the equipment, fire bells going off and using the toilet is like going into a torture cell.

Things have escalated where he is now being attacked. Last week of September as he was catching the bus and this was on a very busy high street he was jumped by the kids who knocked his glasses off and took his rucksack and threw it into the heavy traffic. His glasses smashed, phone screen smashed, clothes damaged (new uniform!) and books soaked through.

I have also started a new job and have to do the drop off for his sister too. I took time off (my boss is an arsh which is a story for another day) and the school secretary says the head of year is "busy" but i can "speak to her on the phone"

The head of year's response absolutely flabbergasted me! "Since it is out of school hours the school cannot do anything!"

luckily around that rush hour school time another parent (a lady from my street) she witnessed this and retrieved his bag and took my son to her home and called me. She said she'll back me in any action that's taken. I have a good mind to write to the governors but this same lady (whos lived in this area for yonks) laughed saying parents contact governors, MPs and Ofsted all the time about their kids issues but no action is taken. Its like a zoo! This is a huge contrast from his Primary.

Tomorrow is Monday and its another week of hell. I can't concentrate in my new job and my manager even said "put that phone away and use it during your designated break hours"
I'm going absolutely spare. I'm always feeling hot now, can't sleep since this has started and my son bless him is putting on a brave face.
He is very talented and did really well in Primary school and I feel where we are now he will be both academically and physically crushed! Their dad has still not been awarded custody BTW.

any tips I'm absolutely choking here

Yes! most certainly I did! i put this in an email and copied all HOY and the headteacher.I put dates and specific incidents that occured.

I mentioned factually what had happened and did'nt leave any words out. this included crude things that were almost accepted in the school. The law applies to everyone. My son says that this has even been said to him in earshot of staff members who just ignore and look away and pretend they are busy.

"hey white boy" and names that aren't his "hey john" along with homophobic words which i won't print here. It seems majority of the lessons are spent sorting out discipline rather than any teaching taking place. The problem is if the school did follow this up it would mean punishing like 50 plus people who would need to be identified because they will all deny and cover it up.

One ringleader starts it off and the sheeps follow that word. I mean for goodness sake they can't stop them vaping in the classrooms i mean this is tame for them.

I'm seeing one of my friends tomorrow. I know she took one of her children out of school because of problems being bullied. I'll ask her how she got started.

very true but you can't arrest like 50-100 kids in a school and lock them up whereas with adults the law operates differently. They can get sued, jailed and lose their jobs and mortgages.

Please just remove him and home-educate him. He is young to be left alone whilst you work (is there anyone who can check in on him) but I refused to believe that he is safer in school. There are so many things that he couuld do at home and form what you say, even if he did an hour of maths, english and science by himself, I can't imagine that he'd be learning less than what he will be in school.

If you home educate, you'll have someone from the LA as a contact and explain the situation. Put him on all waiting lists in and out of borough. Try redbridge andn waltham forest schools. All the secondary schools in redbridge are good (or at least OK) and they are all huge so there is turnover. Something will surely come up in the next year.

@ilovemyautumns yes true but I was thinking more about the fact that nobody, child or adult should be placed in an environment where they are bullied, at risk of long term emotional damage and also at risk of violent attacks. If nothing can be done about the environment or the perpetrators and no 100% guarantee he is safe and comfortable he needs to be removed permanently and right away.

How are his academics? If not too outing, what part of London are you located in?

Also he doesn’t need to shoulder any of this. He doesn’t need to be told to be strong… he has every right for this to feel awful, none of this is on him. He should see that he can walk away from abuse, not have to put up with it and be brave. He needs to be protected from this, the school can’t do it so you are going to have to. This isn’t going to make him stronger, it will have all sorts of repercussions and damaging effects. Remove him, home school and have time to find a better solution. It’s not ideal but nothing will be as bad as making him go back there.

Is there really nowhere in Essex on a trainline that’s cheaper than Newham? There’s 2 bed places for 800pcm in Southend and Colchester. 1 bed might be cheaper if you’re willing to have a sofa bed in the sitting room.

Could he not travel to a school here? Plenty of kids come from the East London boroughs to schools in the Brentwood area. Get on the waiting lists if you haven’t already.

In the meantime:
Refuse to send him into school but don’t offroll him.
Say you can’t send him in until his safety is guaranteed and make them send how they are going to achieve this in writing. In fact do everything in writing. Any calls take notes and send follow up emails detailing the conversation and any action points.
Log every incident including historic ones.
Escalate to Head, Safeguarding lead, governors and Ofsted.
Report to the police.

Get back in touch with the LA, say your son’s safety is at risk, keep pushing them. How far away was the other school? Could he still go there? LA would be responsible for transport (they won’t admit that but seeing as the school he attends can’t keep him safe so push for it and appeal).

It sounds an awful situation and I hope something is sorted for him. Short term online learning (lots of resources out there) won’t do him any harm and will keep him safe.

@ilovemyautumns

You said...

People mention homeschooling but wouldnt i need to be home with him? and also isn't that just a rubbish version of an education.

That is incredibly rude.

Also, do you seriously think the poor lad will be learning/retaining much in his current situation?

I would say find another school. My focus would be on finding a school that has a good reputation for pastoral care and where there is a good behaviour policy. Even if the results are lower than another school, that, in my opinion, is ok because if your son is happy he will achieve. In the mean time is there any way thst he and you could work from home?.u could tell the school u r worried about his safety and emotional well being. Good luck

OP.

I have read your thread and i am heartbroken for your and your son.

It`s awful that this school is being run as it is and there is no discipline. I thought my secondary school was bad growing up but what you have described is something else.

I know this may sound like a mad idea but have you considered moving to the Lincolnshire area. Growing up countless people i went to school with had moved from the London area.

It could be an escape for you and your son, unemployment is low also.

It is times like you describe that i feel that a more old fashioned approach should be taken towards punishment in school.

I`m not talking about the cane or anything like that but something like the troublemakers you describe that they are put through the rigger by some drill sergeant who basically knocks the sh!t out of them mentally.

I would think that something can be done about incidents that occur outside the school premises, particularly if the pupils are in uniform- bringing the school into disrepute

Homeschooling might be the immediate choice now so I'm trying that route. But even that has cons like i don't want him to be without friends and grow up to be socially awkward. Also homeschooling might be a naff version for instance who who will tutor him if he gets stuck. Also i remember in school its an interactive process i believe its called "inductive" or socratic learning. well he's not getting good socialisation where he is if he's being bullied, and the school sounds more like crowd control than at a point where Socrates deserves a mention. They're all washing their hands of it, making excuses, issuing threats of fines to shut you up or get you to leave. The path of least resistance wins in environments like this. I've been where you are and its intimidating and very isolating but your DS comes first and this is all happening at the expense of his safety and education, sometimes walking away rather than standing up for what's right is the best option.

Homeschooling is easy to start, just write to the school informing them that you will be educating otherwise. There are sample letters online. That's it, the school does the rest (supposedly). I posted elsewhere about websites with loads of advice and info on home ed, plus there are online groups, homeschool facebook groups, facebook selling groups with curriculum books, and as you're in London there will be learning groups meeting up and social groups of happy home ed DC - you are not alone although it seems that way at first.

Once you have him out of there it'll be easier to think straight, even look for work and a new start elsewhere. Right now you can't see the wood from the trees. You aren't tied anywhere for years, even if it feels like that right now. Try not to catastrophise, one step at a time.

Exactly, but I have suggested moving area because her child would have to use public transportation in the same area which also poses a risk.

Could you write to the local councillors and mp, as we live in a country that suppose to say no to homophobia abd racism. Maybe they might be able to do something about getting a better school.but I'd also think about moving to a different area. I doubt your son has nice memories of where you are right now.

I still cannot belive how awful this is.
OP do not worry about repercussions for Ds not going back to this school.
There wont be any, as the minute they even try and fine you, you then take it to the bloody papers and expose them.
These kids are the scum of the earth and will make your ds life a misery forever.
They actually call him "white boy"
Yeah can you imagine if kids were shouting out "hey black boy".🤔

Agree

Doesn't have to be strong.
Not normal for a kid to have to be exposed to this.
I'd be terrified even as an adult.

I know it`s leftfield idea and you can shoot me down and tbh i feel bad for suggesting this.

But have you thought about enrolling your son in a karate or similar class.

I know you shouldn't fight violence with violence but sometimes it the only thing knobheads like that understand.

@thistimeiknowitsforreal trouble is even Bruce Lee couldn’t take on that many bullies. Especially if he’s gonna have to start from scratch. Would take ages for him to feel like he could defend himself. Also it’s not just fists these days is it? Maybe something to do after he’s left the school to rebuild confidence if that’s what he wants but it’s not going to help this right now. He needs to be removed and not look back.

I know its a stupid idea and im sorry for suggesting it.

I come out with some crap sometimes.

I`m just trying to look at it from a different angle.

Like i said in my previous post, bullies/thugs like that should be sent to some army camp where they get the put through the rigger.

I would take him out and online school until there is a better solution. He must be petrified. I remember light teasing for me and I was too scared to do anything about it (one person now isn't even the typical bully type and I just accepted him hitting me with a ruler). However a real thug must be so intimidating and dangerous. You wouldn't put yourself in that position so it's unfair to make your child. Let him work at home and not have his confidence and self esteem shattered.

@thistimeiknowitsforreal no i wasn’t suggesting it was a stupid idea at all. I just home the OP takes him out of this situation for good

Your poor son. Would it be possible for him to live with any other family members? Grandparents etc . So that he could attend a safe school. Just until you could get yourself sorted?

I'm so sorry your DS is being bullied and abused.

This clearly is a trashy school full of the bottom of the barrel in society.
Pull him out and get away from there even if you have to rent the cheapest flat in a better school district.
If you can't move, still pull him out and home school until something else can be figured out. How is his sister getting along? Is she in the same school?

What drew you to that particular area when you decided to move?

After reading all through, also wondering if there is a grandparent he can stay with and go to school in a safe area?

Would you be willing to house share with another woman in a better neighbourhood?